Thanks so much for the warm welcome, Naughty Nibbler and Fie. Every time I come to this message board, I feel so overwhelmed by emotions... .it is so hard to know where to begin.
In answer to your questions:
I'm so sorry about the situation with your mother and FOO. Is her reason for blaming you that you made a call for emergency help, when she had her psychotic episode?
My siblings and I were in agreement that she needed help, but I was the first person to arrive at her house. My siblings and father were all part of the process of getting her help, but for whatever reason, she blames me for it. I feel like this a pattern--she always held me to a higher/different standard than she did for my brothers. Maybe because I am the only girl?
You say you have limited contact with my parents and my siblings. What form of contact do you have with them?
We usually see the entire family on holidays (or at funerals), although we have bucked the system a few times in the past several years and spent certain holidays on our own. We no longer attend family birthday parties nor do we invite any family to our birthday celebrations.
I have occasional phone or email contact with my siblings. It is sort of a sticky situation with my brothers--they can both be 'double agents.' What I mean by this is... .we were taught early on to report everything back to mother. I think all three of us were always seeking her approval/love by doing this. I no longer feel the need to do this. After her breakdown I felt a veil was lifted from my eyes and I clearly saw how I had been manipulated by her my entire life. However, I don't know that my brothers have made that realization yet. There have been several instances in the past few years where it has been obvious to me that my brothers reported something about my life or something I said back to Mom.
I realize now that my mother always pitted us siblings against each other. She never wanted us to communicate except through her. As an adult I would NEVER mention to her that I had spoken with one of my brothers, but lots of times she would ferret it out and express her disapproval. It was always very subtle (and people without BPD family members do not understand this) but that disapproval made me feel sick inside.
I'm glad that you son and husband are supportive. Are your in laws in the picture?
Unfortunately, my father-in-law passed away years before I started dating my husband. However, I was very fortunate to have my mother-in-law in my my life until a few years ago when she passed away. Although not perfect, she did show me what unconditional love was like. She was a wonderful mentor and 'mother' to me and we became very close.
Do you think you are still in the Remembering stage, or perhaps the Mourning stage?
Thank you for pointing me to the Survivor's Guide. I read through the stages and I think I have one foot in the Mourning stage, but also one foot still in the Remembering stage. I know that SHAME is a big part of this--I still feel a lot of shame. Shame for not being able to keep my house clean, shame for not following my dreams, shame for overeating, and shame for not being perfect. I feel like I am stuck in shame right now.
As for healthy coping skills? A few years ago I was journaling, working out and making healthy food choices. About 18 months ago I had a job change and a few months later my teenager ran away twice and was consequently diagnosed with anxiety and depression. Since then I've felt really derailed. Things are better now, but in the last few months my husband has had a major health crisis. He is in remission now, but again, I feel derailed. My main coping mechanism is comfort eating.
I am really glad to have gotten the courage to join this board. I am ready to move forward and am hoping that I can also be of help to others who are here.