Recovering

[Our abuse recovery guide]

It has been almost five years since my mother's psychotic episode. She was 69. I was 46. She was an inpatient in a psych ward for 2 weeks. I rejoiced at the time that she would finally get the help she needed and that maybe we could finally have a 'normal' mother/daughter relationship.

During the course of her therapy that followed, we discovered that she was most likely BPD with narcissistic tendencies. She went to therapy for 6 weeks only--she never accepted that she has any mental illness. Instead, she blamed me (and my Dad for going along with me) for overreacting to a little 'anxiety' that she had. In her mind, going to the pysch ward was a torture that I inflicted on her.

I have limited contact with my parents and my siblings. My father enables my mother completely (and is probably still paying for going along with my idea to get her help). She is in denial that she has any problems and he is in denial right along with her. He has told me that her psychosis could have been from Lyme disease--even though she has never been diagnosed with that. My family of origin is fractured.

On some level, I always knew that there was something very wrong with my mother, but no one in my family talked about it. We all believed mother's spin--everyone was out to get her. In 2012 when it was confirmed that she was mentally ill, I felt both vindicated and stunned. Suddenly my world had upended.

I've come a long way since then--reading all I could on the subject and learning how to set boundaries. I was also in therapy for 2 years. I quit because I felt that I had reached a plateau of sorts with my therapist. It was also costing me more than I could afford at the time. I sort of put my emotional recovery on hold.

My husband and son (age 18) are very supportive of me and I am so grateful to have them in my life. I mourn the loss of my FOO and sometimes feel like an orphan. My little family of three is all I have. I am in a lot of emotional pain that I still need to work through. I am looking for an online support group to help me through this process.

[SoftWhiteKat]

It has been almost five years since my mother's psychotic episode. She was 69. I was 46. She was an inpatient in a psych ward for 2 weeks. I rejoiced at the time that she would finally get the help she needed and that maybe we could finally have a 'normal' mother/daughter relationship.

During the course of her therapy that followed, we discovered that she was most likely BPD with narcissistic tendencies. She went to therapy for 6 weeks only--she never accepted that she has any mental illness. Instead, she blamed me (and my Dad for going along with me) for overreacting to a little 'anxiety' that she had. In her mind, going to the pysch ward was a torture that I inflicted on her.

I have limited contact with my parents and my siblings. My father enables my mother completely (and is probably still paying for going along with my idea to get her help). She is in denial that she has any problems and he is in denial right along with her. He has told me that her psychosis could have been from Lyme disease--even though she has never been diagnosed with that. My family of origin is fractured.

On some level, I always knew that there was something very wrong with my mother, but no one in my family talked about it. We all believed mother's spin--everyone was out to get her. In 2012 when it was confirmed that she was mentally ill, I felt both vindicated and stunned. Suddenly my world had upended.

I've come a long way since then--reading all I could on the subject and learning how to set boundaries. I was also in therapy for 2 years. I quit because I felt that I had reached a plateau of sorts with my therapist. It was also costing me more than I could afford at the time. I sort of put my emotional recovery on hold.

My husband and son (age 18) are very supportive of me and I am so grateful to have them in my life. I mourn the loss of my FOO and sometimes feel like an orphan. My little family of three is all I have. I am in a lot of emotional pain that I still need to work through. I am looking for an online support group to help me through this process.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome SoftWhiteKat:    
I'm so sorry about the situation with your mother and FOO.  Is her reason for blaming you that you made a call for emergency help, when she had her psychotic episode?

You say you have limited contact with my parents and my siblings.  What form of contact do you have with them? 

My husband and son (age 18) are very supportive of me and I am so grateful to have them in my life. I mourn the loss of my FOO and sometimes feel like an orphan. My little family of three is all I have. I am in a lot of emotional pain that I still need to work through. I am looking for an online support group to help me through this process.

I'm glad that you son and husband are supportive.  Are your in laws in the picture?

Sounds like you made some progress in therapy.  This is a good place to continue your work on healing.  There are others here who can relate to what you are going through. The Survivor's guide in the right hand margin can be helpful to work through.  Do you think you are still in the Remembering stage, or perhaps the Mourning stage?

Do you have some healthy things you use a coping skills?  Let us know how we can help you.

[Fie]

Hello SoftWhiteCat and welcome !

I like your nickname  :-)

I can relate to what you are feeling. I also don't have contact with my FOO. Sometimes I see my aunt, but that's it.
My mum is BPD, my dad is enabling and probably has narcissistic traits. His mum is BPD too.

My 2 sane grandparents, who I loved very much, passed away. I miss them a lot and I feel like an orphan.

Luckily I have a daughter, she's 8 and the light in my life.

Sometimes it gets lonely, I know  

So good of you that you want to work through your healing process. We are here to help !

[SoftWhiteKat]

Thanks so much for the warm welcome, Naughty Nibbler and Fie. Every time I come to this message board, I feel so overwhelmed by emotions... .it is so hard to know where to begin.

In answer to your questions:

I'm so sorry about the situation with your mother and FOO.  Is her reason for blaming you that you made a call for emergency help, when she had her psychotic episode?

My siblings and I were in agreement that she needed help, but I was the first person to arrive at her house. My siblings and father were all part of the process of getting her help, but for whatever reason, she blames me for it. I feel like this a pattern--she always held me to a higher/different standard than she did for my brothers. Maybe because I am the only girl?

You say you have limited contact with my parents and my siblings.  What form of contact do you have with them? 

We usually see the entire family on holidays (or at funerals), although we have bucked the system a few times in the past several years and spent certain holidays on our own. We no longer attend family birthday parties nor do we invite any family to our birthday celebrations.

I have occasional phone or email contact with my siblings. It is sort of a sticky situation with my brothers--they can both be 'double agents.' What I mean by this is... .we were taught early on to report everything back to mother. I think all three of us were always seeking her approval/love by doing this. I no longer feel the need to do this. After her breakdown I felt a veil was lifted from my eyes and I clearly saw how I had been manipulated by her my entire life. However, I don't know that my brothers have made that realization yet. There have been several instances in the past few years where it has been obvious to me that my brothers reported something about my life or something I said back to Mom.

I realize now that my mother always pitted us siblings against each other. She never wanted us to communicate except through her. As an adult I would NEVER mention to her that I had spoken with one of my brothers, but lots of times she would ferret it out and express her disapproval. It was always very subtle (and people without BPD family members do not understand this) but that disapproval made me feel sick inside.

I'm glad that you son and husband are supportive.  Are your in laws in the picture?

Unfortunately, my father-in-law passed away years before I started dating my husband. However, I was very fortunate to have my mother-in-law in my my life until a few years ago when she passed away. Although not perfect, she did show me what unconditional love was like. She was a wonderful mentor and 'mother' to me and we became very close.

Do you think you are still in the Remembering stage, or perhaps the Mourning stage?

Thank you for pointing me to the Survivor's Guide. I read through the stages and I think I have one foot in the Mourning stage, but also one foot still in the Remembering stage. I know that SHAME is a big part of this--I still feel a lot of shame. Shame for not being able to keep my house clean, shame for not following my dreams, shame for overeating, and shame for not being perfect. I feel like I am stuck in shame right now.

As for healthy coping skills? A few years ago I was journaling, working out and making healthy food choices. About 18 months ago I had a job change and a few months later my teenager ran away twice and was consequently diagnosed with anxiety and depression. Since then I've felt really derailed. Things are better now, but in the last few months my husband has had a major health crisis. He is in remission now, but again, I feel derailed. My main coping mechanism is comfort eating.

I am really glad to have gotten the courage to join this board. I am ready to move forward and am hoping that I can also be of help to others who are here.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey SoftWhiteKat:   
It's nice to have you participate in our community   

I'm sorry you lost both your FIL and MIL.  I'm glad that you MIL was such a positive influence.

Thank you for pointing me to the Survivor's Guide. I read through the stages and I think I have one foot in the Mourning stage, but also one foot still in the Remembering stage. I know that SHAME is a big part of this--I still feel a lot of shame. Shame for not being able to keep my house clean, shame for not following my dreams, shame for overeating, and shame for not being perfect. I feel like I am stuck in shame right now.

What dreams do you have?  Why do you feel you have to be perfect?  Perhaps because of criticism from your mom?  I'm hearing that you husband and son love you as you are.  They are the ones who matter in your life.

As for healthy coping skills? A few years ago I was journaling, working out and making healthy food choices. About 18 months ago I had a job change and a few months later my teenager ran away twice and was consequently diagnosed with anxiety and depression. Since then I've felt really derailed. Things are better now, but in the last few months my husband has had a major health crisis. He is in remission now, but again, I feel derailed. My main coping mechanism is comfort eating.

I'm so sorry that you have been through so much.  Have you tried some mindfulness practices or meditation?  They can be good to help manage stress.  Some of the guided meditations are easy to use and there are some for mindful eating.  It takes time to change behaviors. Generally, the best approach is to replace a bad behavior with a new healthy one. 

I feel like this a pattern--she always held me to a higher/different standard than she did for my brothers. Maybe because I am the only girl?

That may well be the case, even with more normal mothers.  I think with a BPD mother, it is apt to be exaggerated.  I've heard it mentioned that BPD moms can be in competition with their daughter and they feel better when they can belittle them.

It is sort of a sticky situation with my brothers--they can both be 'double agents.' What I mean by this is... .we were taught early on to report everything back to mother.  There have been several instances in the past few years where it has been obvious to me that my brothers reported something about my life or something I said back to Mom.

It might be helpful to read about the Karpman Drama Triangle at the link below.  At the end of the article, there is information about a healthy triangle.  Unfortunately, you will probably have to assume that your brothers won't change their behavior.  So they will likely continue to behave as double agents.
KARPMAN DRAMA TRIANGLE