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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: uBPDexgf told me she's pregnant  (Read 602 times)
redriver

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« on: March 17, 2017, 10:27:03 AM »

Hi, first post here, and I’m looking for some thought and guidance. I was dumped very suddenly almost a year ago after an 2.5 years relationship living together. I will be posting soon my entire story, but this is what’s going on right now. My EX GF who is not diagnosed, but shows MANY traits of the Waif BPD, broke up with me almost a year ago. She moved on with a new guy FAST, moved in with him a month after meeting him. She started posting on FB her undying love, and that he was the most amazing guy ever. Also on Pinterest about “Baby”(cribs, nurseries, and so on) almost as soon.

She got in touch with me a week ago to see who I was “doing”, then said she needed to tell me she was pregnant, and it was an “ops”. And “this was not planned”. I know it’s not, when she and I were still seeing each other (as friends), just after she met this new guy, I saw on her calendar that she was charting her ovulation cycle. I also noticed a shopping list or two that had “P Test” on it. Something tells me she trapped this new guy.

 Why do I wish in some weird messed up way that I was the father? And has any one had similar experiences, or have been trapped themselves.
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« Reply #1 on: March 17, 2017, 11:03:46 AM »

Dude, you seriously dodged a bullet. Be grateful this is NOT your baby, especially if she is BPD. Also, keep in mind if she is reaching out she may be wanting to cause DRAMA with this other guy (the baby daddy). Remember that drama? You don't need that in your life.

If she is reaching out to tell you she is preggers and is asking WHO you are doing... .Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)  

Remember, BPD is an attachment disorder. If she is TRULY pregnant, shyt just got real for her and she may be looking for an outlet, another person to triangulate with. Don't make yourself a part of that triangle.

I was in a same sex relationship with my ex. Way before I came into the picture my BPD ex was married to a man for about a year. She met him when she was pregnant with her "loser ex" baby. Before they married her ex husband wanted to raise this child, a child that wasn't his biological son, with her. From all accounts he was a real stand up guy. They were both in their early 20's at the time.

What my ex did was absolutely deplorable. While dating her soon to be husband she told this "loser ex" she was going to abort their child. This man who WASNT a loser but he was MARRIED begged her not to do that.

One day this guy comes home from work and my ex is sitting on the couch with his wife drinking tea. He probably shyt himself. She proceeds to tell the wife about their affair and break them up.

Keep in mind she is doing all this with a fiancée in the pipeline.

The father of the baby tries to re-kindle things with our ex and she convinces him to sign off on parental rights of the baby. She tells them they will get back together but she is not ready for a child.

As soon as he signs off she dumps his poor arse and puts this child up for adoption. (I am not making this up. I know it sounds like a soap opera).

She goes on to marry the guy who was waiting in the wings for her. During this time she gets pregnant again and out of spite aborts their child. He attempts suicide he is so devastated). Their marriage lasts a year and she eventually leaves him for women. The best part is my ex describes him as a selfish a-hole for trying to kill himself.
I was suicidal with her and can relate.

Reading this (what I just revealed to you) I feel like a moron for ever having dated someone with a 0 moral compass. She told me these things! I believe they are accurate with the exception of how shytty her exes are. I think they were hurt terribly. I felt SORRY for her when she told me she did all this to these people!
That I am ashamed of. I thought she needed help and I could help her. I should have ran away and helped MYSELF!

I know during our relationship she reached out to the adoptive parents of her son who is now in his 20's. She was promptly blocked on FB. Clearly, they are healthy enough people to know she is unsafe and has serious issues.

Please don't put yourself into this mess. You deserve better and no good can come from being her "rescuer". It looks like she might be reaching out to create that.

Not to quote Maury but: Be glad you are NOT the father. There is nothing to be jealous of here.

 
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« Reply #2 on: March 17, 2017, 11:13:00 AM »

hi redriver, and Welcome

i can imagine you are pretty shaken by this news. being dumped suddenly, and witnessing that loved one rush in to a new relationship really hurts, and then to hear all of this out of the blue must have brought a lot of that pain back to the surface.

when you say you wish you were the father, i dont think its weird or messed up, but it does sound like you feel conflicted.

it will help us to better support you as you share more of your story with us. how have you coped for the past year, since the breakup?
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
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« Reply #3 on: March 17, 2017, 11:39:15 AM »

Hi,

Thank you for your feed back. I did not handle this well at all. many nights wanting to end my life, I have never felt pain like this ever, and would never know one could feel pain this bad. Afrter we split, we were still "hooking up" in a sad way  thought as long as this was still going on, that I still had a chance. I had never heard of BPD until I was reading an artical about rebound relationships, and the Term Boarderline was used. I Wiki'ed it and WOW, I found a few other sites and began reading.

She was starting to meet this other guy she met online while we were living together. I did not think much of that, being as if she was still sleeping with me and lieing to him about it. But a week after she met the one she is with now, I was tossed like trash. That's when I started to really see the lies. When I leaned about BPD, I saw so many traits form my relationship with her form the start to the finish of it, and could see the new one moving at warp speed living together talking about getting married.

I did very and still do very much love her and find I blam myself for it not working, when I know I have my part, but she played hers to. Friends I talk to about all of this are just sick of hearing it, my family is not the most suportive of people. I walk around almost all the time feeling lost, and broken.
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« Reply #4 on: March 17, 2017, 11:45:33 AM »

i talked my friends and family to death. i suspect they mean well, but it can be difficult to know what to say or how to help. im glad you have found us (though im sorry for the circumstances that brought you here); we understand, and we are here to support you. additionally, have you seen a therapist to help you sort out? many members have found it invaluable in their recovery, and it sounds like much of this is still plaguing you.
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
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« Reply #5 on: March 17, 2017, 12:00:14 PM »

Hello,

I do see a person weekly to talk to, but it's not as good as talking to people that have been through it.

I was seeing a different counsellor when all the crazy was happening, and when I discovered the BPD thing, she just smiled at me and said “I’ve been thinking that since the beginning” I find the talk therapy helpful to get what I think and feel. 
What I find so hard is, is she BPD, or am I just thinking that. Or am I the crazy one.
She keeps getting in touch with me every 6 weeks or so, to so how things are, I don’t think she is ever really caring how I feel. When she contacted me last week and ask How I was, I said screw it, I told her I was sad, and that I regret many things. I did not want to bring up any borderline stuff, She seemed to happy that I was upset. A few days later I messaged her to see how her weekend was, when I suggested we keep in touch, but I wanted us to be friends and not just the “Hi how are you”  “I’m fine” kind of BS, that I wanted something a little open and honest. The message back was “I’m busy at work, and have tomes of stuff to do, Talk soon”  Made me think, she only want contact when she needs something or is lonely, but if I reach out its not of a “get lost” kind of feeling.
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« Reply #6 on: March 17, 2017, 12:12:48 PM »

im glad you are seeing a counselor and getting some talk therapy, it really helps.


What I find so hard is, is she BPD, or am I just thinking that. Or am I the crazy one.

this is a complicated question. the short answer is that none of us are professionals that can diagnose our exes, and that most of our exes are undiagnosed anyway. we can look at BPD traits and behaviors that impacted us and our relationship, just the same.

i encourage you to be gentle with yourself as far as labels like "crazy" go. but for those of us further down the road and healed from the pain, we tended to do so by slowly turning the focus to ourselves, what we could change, what was in our power to fix. by nature, these were loaded, immature, and messy relationships that we played a role in. that doesnt make a person crazy. it just means theres room for improvement, and when we put our energy there, we heal, and ideally we go on to have healthier relationships of all kinds.

as far as your relationship now, it sounds like you want a closer friendship, and she may not be capable of this, or may have a different goal. so long as youre wanting more, its likely to hurt.
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
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« Reply #7 on: March 17, 2017, 12:43:36 PM »

I do, I keep holding out hope that the relatioship with the new guy will go south, and that I can have her back. But then I start to think how could I? She was not a rage type, she lost her cool and stormed off, but never a rage. I miss the way I used to feel when I was with her, and I can't stop thinking that I could have that back. The reality and when logic sets in, I could never feel comfortabul again with her I would always be waiting for the other foot to drop.

I do always want to keep in touch with her, and know where she is and that everything in good. I have a 100% rescuing type personality, so I always think I coould come and save her. But after the conversation Friday when she saud she wanted to keep talking and stay in touch, I figured I'd test it out and see if it was a two way street, but it did not feel like it.

I did start to really think about the baby, and "if" she did trap him, and I can't say for certin, but if she did what does that say about her. No thought about this guys feelings, his life, his wants. And it did get me starting to think I might be the luckey one.

There times in out relationship that we were very open with each other and our past's, She did show me scars from when she was a teen and would cut herself, I felt she sharred some things with me she did not with others, and I still feel that way. So I don't know if reaching out to me is because she is scared, and needs to know that I'm there for her, or if she wanted to rub it in my face?
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« Reply #8 on: March 17, 2017, 12:54:31 PM »

if you want to revive the relationship (and there is no guarantee) i would peruse the Saving board; learn the tools, learn what it takes to be in these relationships.

I have a 100% rescuing type personality, so I always think I coould come and save her.

is there more to her, and your relationship with her, that draws you? think about it hard. what if she didnt appear in need of rescuing anymore?
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« Reply #9 on: March 17, 2017, 01:06:06 PM »

Redriver- you sound exactly the way I was cut up and devastated when my BPD dumped me all those years ago. A hurting empty shell of a person who would do anything to get them back so you can show them just how much you love them, if only they'd give you a second chance. I could be just like it was before (you know deep down it can't be).

With 15 years hindsight all I can say is what everyone else on here is saying - you dodged a bullet. Big time.

She's triangulating you with this other bloke. It's not working out there, so she's putting the feelers out to see if she can feed off your affections for a while until she can line someone else up.

Think of a child at Christmas getting a brand new toy. They'll play with that toy and it will be the favourite until next Christmas when the next new toy comes along. The old toy is tossed aside - it's last year's toy and the new toy is the favourite. Then the new toy breaks or the batteries run out. What's this? It's the old toy! Hey I remember this, this was fun for a while. Until Christmas comes around again and it's time for a new toy and you're discarded again.

Unfortunately that's the harsh truth. We're all just old discarded toys - we're part of their past. They're continually looking for the next new shiny thing. Right now her new toy is broken and she's found you at the bottom of the toy box.

Honestly you're best well out of the relationship and the associated drama. Read read read up on BPD and the types who are attracted to them (you) - it will arm you and help soothe the emotional pain you're currently dealing with.  
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« Reply #10 on: March 17, 2017, 01:21:20 PM »

While it hurts - consider yourself lucky.

If she was pregnant with your baby you'd have the push/pull with her in your life for the rest of your life and that is a hell you wouldn't want any part of.

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« Reply #11 on: March 17, 2017, 02:03:06 PM »

Very very true. I"m still in shock how fast I was tossed,a nd how fast I was repalced. It briings up ALL of my self esteam issues, and trust me I have a few. I found I second guess everything I think, do, feel, you name it. The thought that I have is " I had no clue", I knew nothing about BPD, the ralationship was for the most part great, I felt wanted and loved. I was married for 13 years befor I met her and was hell. She comes into my life and I feel like a breath of fresh air. I could see a bit of the push/pull now that I look back, and I could see now there were lies while I was with her, and so many after. I when I think about wanting her back, lots of that I think has to do with just wanting the pain to be gone, and to feel happy.
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« Reply #12 on: March 17, 2017, 02:12:04 PM »

I when I think about wanting her back, lots of that I think has to do with just wanting the pain to be gone, and to feel happy.

thats self aware of you, and its understandable. trouble is, she (and no one does but you) doesnt hold the key to your happiness. thats something we create within ourselves, and in the world we build around us.

most of us knew nothing of BPD. knowledge, now that we have it, is power, but it only goes so far; we tend to feel less alone, we are able to make sense of some of what we are most confused about, and it helps to depersonalize what were very hurtful behaviors.

are the long standing self esteem issues (youre not alone there either) something you are addressing in counselling? or in your life in general?
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« Reply #13 on: March 17, 2017, 02:27:23 PM »

"I"m still in shock how fast I was tossed,a nd how fast I was replaced"

Like everyone has said. Consider yourself lucky to be out. Run and Run as far as you can from her. It is easier said than done but in the long run you are better off. You will look back and thank yourself for staying away. We all have been through this and it really effing hurts.

If you ever think of going back you will be back here with a deeper wound. It is not worth the pain and the suffering she is putting you through. Block her and get therapy.

Good Luck.
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« Reply #14 on: March 17, 2017, 02:31:28 PM »

Hello,

I am addressing them in my sesions, and in my life. I very self awar of myself, and I try to be very introspective, now more thn ever.

For me there is this long standng thing in my head with her, and my time with her, and her new relationship, and it goes like that.

If her new relatiosnhip is sucssesful than I must have been teh failier, and I will have nothing but "would have, and should have's" for a long time. But if it falls flat, then I have this validation that I may not have been teh cause so to speak. If you talked to her it was my lack of wanting to get married, or have more kids. BTW I was happy to get remarried, and have more kids.

I know my thought is immiture and shallow, but that is how I feel.
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« Reply #15 on: March 17, 2017, 02:53:39 PM »

If her new relatiosnhip is sucssesful than I must have been teh failier, and I will have nothing but "would have, and should have's" for a long time. But if it falls flat, then I have this validation that I may not have been teh cause so to speak.

it is a line of thinking familiar to many of us, and it can keep us stuck in our detachment. i can imagine that the recent news you received would reopen these fears.

the answer of course, is not black and white. one person cant make a relationship succeed or fail - it cant be all you, and it cant be all her either.

one course from detaching from these wounds is accepting that. moving toward forgiving yourself for shortcomings and seeing the bigger picture. it likely wasnt about one event or disagreement. marriage and children cant save a relationship. was this relationship healthy for you?

her relationship will be "different". success is in the eye of the beholder, but really has no bearing on you or the relationship that you had. but you probably know that; to some extent, these fears are common to people with low self esteem. i had them myself, and its good that youre speaking candidly about it, it will help us better support you.
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« Reply #16 on: March 17, 2017, 03:15:23 PM »

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The relatioship was very healthy, did not really disagree, spent tones of time together. Took many day trips, joked around with each other. As for Sex that was always very good, I alsways felt listened to, and I know I was intune to her, she had a few downs while we were together. We talked lots, and we both felt very suported by each other.

Looking back now I see that she always agreed with me "Oh pick what ever movie you want, I'm good with anything" Asked may times, what she wanted to go or go, but 9 times out of 10 "I'm good with whatever". For the most part it felt very good and very real. looking back I can see some signes that I am more aware of.
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« Reply #17 on: March 17, 2017, 03:19:14 PM »

looking back I can see some signes that I am more aware of.

like what?
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« Reply #18 on: March 17, 2017, 03:36:41 PM »

A few weeks into meeting she told me that she had ADD/ADHD and bad depression, Her Ex was a monster of a guy, mean called her names, would let her eat, because she was a little bigger. Made me feel like I was her hero, because these statments always ended with "But I know you are not like that". She always agreeded with me were we went and what to watch. Everything that was wonrg in her life or past was alwalys someone elses falt, very much a "poor me" way of making you want to rescue her. She would get distant once in a while then I would push for what was wrong, then be told that she saw me look at another women, or she does not feel like I ever want to do anytihng she wants to do. But never really ever gave any sugestions. That I would make her feel judged about someting, or not as smart. Then she would start crying and would not let me talk to her. Then within the hour hse was apologizing, and saying she just "over reacted" and that "no has ever loved me like you".

Me learning about BPD now, and not then I see amny things that fit into the traits.
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