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Author Topic: 7 Months Mark...  (Read 333 times)
rosesarered777
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 154


« on: March 09, 2017, 08:31:11 PM »

Some days I feel a little lonely but it is true that eventually you recover from your BPD ex... .It just takes a very long time!

I couldn't help myself but to see that she has gained a serious amount of weight in that time from a profile picture. The urge to look at her photo is disappearing because I no longer live in the same city as her. If I had to estimate, she has easily gained 50 pounds! I don't know if that is because she has been a) happy with her new replacement b) not taking care of herself at all c) pretending that she is recovered from our marriage and dating someone new.

Personally, I would rather be with someone who makes me want to improve myself and not neglect my health but that's just me.

It has been a long road to get here. I can't say that I am happy that she has found someone who seems to be enabling her self-destructive behaviours but hope one day she is lucid and can see what she has lost because she couldn't handle her raging in public.

Are they truly happy if they have someone who enables self-destructive ways?
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joeramabeme
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: In process of divorcing
Posts: 995



« Reply #1 on: March 09, 2017, 09:21:24 PM »

Are they truly happy if they have someone who enables self-destructive ways?

Perhaps for awhile they "feel" happy.  Perhaps there is a weight lifted from their shoulders that they no longer are in the deep throws of fear and anxiety and can paint a picture about how it will be different this time.  But then again, how many people say; "I am having fun" and are actually miserable.  Looking happy and being happy are not the same thing. 

Obviously if she is gaining weight to the degree you mention there is something out of balance - a sign of discontent.  Perhaps the new person accepts that she is out of balance and perhaps they are both equally out of balance and so practice I won't talk about your problems if you dont talk about mine. 

It is impossible to accurately speculate about what anyone is feeling, I would even go as far to say many people have no idea what they are feeling because they are not in touch.  This would certainly be true of pwBPD. 

Suffice it to say, that if your ex has BP or BP traits that there is no change that has occurred over the last 6 months and unlikely ever.  It is a hard pill to swallow that what we experienced with these people was very likely mirrored personality traits and behaviors that they thought looked good and we took the bait.  So, with that in mind, who cares how she looks?  Really, it is likely more mirroring and what better place to practice that skill than in a profile.

How are you feeling?  Lonely?  Understandable.  As you say, it takes a long time and the road has many twists and turns.  Hope you keep posting.
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rosesarered777
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 154


« Reply #2 on: March 09, 2017, 09:47:59 PM »

Thank you for the reply.  It kind of confirms my suspicions, which sometimes I hate being able to assess and see for myself the reality of things. Never as nice as believing in a illusion!

Sometimes my posts may seem bitter -- I thought she was going to return after the usual 2-3 months and say she still loves me, but I am sure that her family and relatives becoming involved did not help. I am sure if she truly missed me, she could have defended me but instead she chose to 'become the new her' as she has attempted to do for years.

Once reality hit, losing my job because of work politics in October and the deep lost and loneliness, that is when things started to feel very dark. I did not have family in the same city as she did --- marrying her was supposed to be a way of us having our own family.  I will probably never understand why she told her family friend what I told her when we are married and some things should be resolved between husband and wife, not  escalated by fanning the flames. If she was upset, she should have told me, not made things even worse! It boggles my mind.

I really did want to cut my wrists. I had not seen family for months and then was working all through Christmas. Eventually, I saw my father near the end of my lease but that was when I was starting to break from the stresses of my job. I know people like to hyperbole but when you get PTSD from a past break up and start getting anxious because you feel like the law is on the side of the separated BPD, the world isn't a nice place like you thought as a naive teenager.

My best advice is to keep yourself occupied. I went to a lot of movies when I wasn't working and watched a lot of movies at home. Since my parents weren't around and my friends were sometimes unavailable to hangout at their place, pets are essential if you are recovering from a BPD split or, as in my case, a pending BPD divorce!

I would not have survived in that home alone and my pets kept my sanity together long enough for me to move away.

The saddest thing is, my female cat flipped the table over in October just after I'd lost my job and lost a leg. What did my separated BPD wife say when I said she could NOT have ALL of the furniture that she had no right to? Absolutely NOTHING. In my legal document, I noted she could not have the table because the female cat had flipped it onto her hind leg, crushing it entirely. The table was unsalvageable and my cat needed $1200 to pay for her amputation.

I have no doubt that I would have not made it without my cat and could have ended up in jail with the extreme stress and unfair circumstances that came to pass. I am very grateful to my pets pulling me through where my BPD wife could not.
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lovenature
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 731


« Reply #3 on: March 14, 2017, 05:01:55 PM »

Excerpt
Are they truly happy if they have someone who enables self-destructive ways?

No because the more someone enables them and gets closer to them, not setting boundaries and not going away when they push, the more their fear of engulfment is triggered and the harder they try to push you away. PWBPD have a core shame and hate for themselves that no one and nothing can change, only they can change how they truly feel about themselves.
Without years of therapy, the cycle always repeats.
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rosesarered777
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 154


« Reply #4 on: March 17, 2017, 03:24:16 PM »

So, with that in mind, who cares how she looks?  Really, it is likely more mirroring and what better place to practice that skill than in a profile.

How are you feeling?  Lonely?  Understandable.  As you say, it takes a long time and the road has many twists and turns.  Hope you keep posting.

Sorry for the previous rant. I am still missing her but surviving the day-to-day. I don't expect her to change and the fact she cannot accept she has caused this is very scary. She was trying to tell the police that I was violent before when she was the aggressor on previous occasions, but never in public like she was last summer. It is absolutely frightening that someone would devalue weeks in advance and then try to get them locked up into jail. As soon as I realized she had no proper Bipolar medication, I saw the devaluation happen shortly after within a week or two! I am one day half-expecting an apology like she did before, apologizing for the nonsense she has put me through but with how much her family enables her crazy ways, it may never come again.

She has, however, returned to me in secret in the past. As far as I know, she has not remained in contact with all of her previous ex's. A husband/ex-husband is someone you cannot truly forget though... .So I expect to hear something before summer is over.

Many of my friends agree that I am one of the most relaxed people that they have ever met. It is wild to think how much BPDs can distort the truth and manipulate the authorities.

I am busy looking for a job so that keeps me going lately. I don't feel the deep disappointment and loss as much as I did even 3 months ago. I am gradually accepting that she is seriously ill and needs help that no one will give her.
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