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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: finally a full week of NC and now bouquet of pink roses at work...  (Read 543 times)
Crushedbyac

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« on: March 17, 2017, 09:30:59 AM »

WTH? Im happily sitting in my office, just thinking about how nice the NC has been, and that Im feeling worlds better, so much less anxiety and this shows up?  And its not like I can tell the delivery person no.  All that is on the card is a hand written peace symbol.  I know its solely a manipulation to get me to break NC (even to say thanks), but what is with the peace symbol?  He has made me so crazy I cant even just think, oh thats nice and leave it at that.  I assume there is some derogatory read-between-the-lines kind of thing attached. And whats up with them being pink? Am I supposed to garner something from that? Im wondering is he being sarcastic? mocking me? (I always tell him I just want peace.)  Does he not think that I dont have peace with the NC?  I DO! So leave me the f- alone!  Im so mad.  Mad at him for making me this way and mad at myself for letting him do it and upset me. Mad that I cant do the proper thing and just say thanks like a normal person would do. 
3 steps forward, 2 steps back... .This sucks!   
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Pretty Woman
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The Greatest Love is the Love You Give Yourself


« Reply #1 on: March 17, 2017, 09:37:29 AM »

Take the flowers, the card and chuck it.

Seriously. Yes, he wants a reaction. The cryptic peace sign can mean several things. He wants you to respond and say "what is this for"?

Don't fall for it.

The other day my BPD friend who I have applied serious boundaries to, went and took herself off FB conversations, two years after the conversations ended. These were dead conversations. Everyone on the group thread now sees the old messages on the top of their message lists.

She's upset no one is currently talking to her and wants to show "look I am still here".

Don't fall for it.

You are NOT crazy. You've been subjected to and exposed to crazy-making behavior. Normality takes awhile to get used to after these relationships end.

My ex was the queen of sending flowers. One Valentine's Day after one of our breakups I had started dating someone else. I got flowers from two people at my job. How embarrassing. . One was the BPD ex. I was stupid back then and left a really great person to go back to the ex.

And now I am here.

Look at my posts. They go back to 2013.  The best thing is NC. It helps YOU heal, it's not for your ex. Your ex will survive. They always do.

 
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allienoah
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« Reply #2 on: March 17, 2017, 09:42:29 AM »

I agree to chuck the flowers or put them in a common room and move on. He definitely wants a reaction. My pwBPD did the same to me recently but I didn't have the strength to do that. I admire your being able to be angry as opposed to questioning yourself. I want to be in that frame of mind myself. Unfortunately you can't treat this like a normal situation and just say "thank you" as he will barge right into that opening. Hang in there!
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Naughty Nibbler
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« Reply #3 on: March 17, 2017, 11:00:49 AM »

One option to deal with the flowers is to drop them off at a nursing facility and ask them to give the flowers to a patient to brighten up someone's day. 
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caughtnreleased
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« Reply #4 on: March 17, 2017, 11:05:36 AM »

One option to deal with the flowers is to drop them off at a nursing facility and ask them to give the flowers to a patient to brighten up someone's day. 

Exactly. Turn this into a beautiful gift that will actually make someone happy Smiling (click to insert in post)
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The crumbs of love that you offer me, they're the crumbs I've left behind. - L. Cohen
Pretty Woman
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The Greatest Love is the Love You Give Yourself


« Reply #5 on: March 17, 2017, 11:09:59 AM »

Wow. I love that option. Please do that. Take these flowers and use them to bring joy to someone else. That's putting positivity out there!

Great idea!
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Crushedbyac

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« Reply #6 on: March 17, 2017, 11:16:00 AM »

yes, I was thinking I would give to my office mates to take home to their SOs or for themselves for the weekend at home.  Unfortunately though I keep ruminating that its going to make him really mad that I dont acknowledge.  Im still not going to, but I worry it will just lead to him showing up here and chastising me for being so rude to his "peace offering" and that "a kind person ('that you claim to be' would have at least said thanks." And it just proves I suck.  I dont really care that he gets mad about it, but I do worry about the potential effect and possible confrontation as a result of not acknowledging.  (Still not going to, just sharing the worry, hoping to give it less value by admitting it).
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« Reply #7 on: March 17, 2017, 11:21:26 AM »

it sounds like a "peace offering"  Being cool (click to insert in post)

he may not be happy/comfortable with where things stand. he may feel guilty. i wouldnt read more into it.

youre not obligated to respond or thank him, and if you need time distance and space, i wouldnt.
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
bunny4523
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« Reply #8 on: March 17, 2017, 11:31:07 AM »

Crushed,

I agree with alot of the posts here.  Don't even respond.  Take this bouquet of flowers as a way to pay forward the peace you have been experiencing.  Make someone's day or multiple people.  Hand out those roses one by one to random strangers... .smile and tell them you hope they have a great day.

Get what I am saying?  to small children you run into throughout the day... .

You feel violated or intruded on... .find a way to take your power back.

I got a gift card from my ex for christmas one year because we still work together... .I was going to by gifts for my friends/family with it.  Instead I found mugs that said "good morning handsome, good morning gorgeous" which is exactly what my husband and I refer to each other as.  I bought them.  My husband and I are fine with it, we feel like it is just a reminder of how glad we are to have found one another and that I made it out of that mess with the ex.  When I was leaving the ex, I could never have imagined finding my husband and being this happy... .it's just a constant reminder that you can come out of difficult situations. 

Bunny
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bunny4523
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« Reply #9 on: March 17, 2017, 11:34:16 AM »

 Unfortunately though I keep ruminating that its going to make him really mad that I dont acknowledge.  Im still not going to, but I worry it will just lead to him showing up here and chastising me for being so rude to his "peace offering" and that "a kind person ('that you claim to be' would have at least said thanks." And it just proves I suck.  I dont really care that he gets mad about it, but I do worry about the potential effect and possible confrontation as a result of not acknowledging.  (Still not going to, just sharing the worry, hoping to give it less value by admitting it).

no matter what you do, you will end up the bad guy... .if you're no contact and can't hear him saying it, does it really happen? ha ha... .   let him show up and chastise. Walk away.  One of the things I learned early on is to not plan my next move based on what I think my ex will do next.  Just do what is right for you by you and however he responds is his problem, not yours.
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caughtnreleased
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« Reply #10 on: March 17, 2017, 05:07:31 PM »

yes, I was thinking I would give to my office mates to take home to their SOs or for themselves for the weekend at home.  Unfortunately though I keep ruminating that its going to make him really mad that I dont acknowledge.  Im still not going to, but I worry it will just lead to him showing up here and chastising me for being so rude to his "peace offering" and that "a kind person ('that you claim to be' would have at least said thanks." And it just proves I suck.  I dont really care that he gets mad about it, but I do worry about the potential effect and possible confrontation as a result of not acknowledging.  (Still not going to, just sharing the worry, hoping to give it less value by admitting it).

Instead of considering yourself to be a "nice" person - why don't you consider yourself to be someone with strong boundaries with no more room for bull___ in your life. I've recently taken on this attitude - and am applying it - to start on my facebook wall.  Someone posted a picture of me and a friend goofing off in front of some erotic art. I thought it was totally inapropriate and deleted it as soon as I saw it. Before I would have felt guilty because the guy was just being nice. Today I think - he's a fool with no tact and obviously can't tell that what he's doing is inappropriate and it's my space to do with it what I want. Then yesterday, another sort of gross much older guy posted a comment about inviting me to his cottage. It's the second time he posts publicly on my wall about his wish to spend time with me. I don't even know him. It bothered me - may not have bothered others - but it did me. I promptly deleted the message, and he's been demoted to restricted settings where he can no longer post on my wall. Act for your own well being. See it as an example for others. Defending your well being means putting down boundaries and understanding that others aren't necessarily able to do it, or don't really care - so if you can, lead the way. Good luck. I understand the nagging guilt - keep working at it though and you'll realize that guilt rarely ever helps - and BPD people are GREAT at playing that card. Practice being firm for yourself in other areas maybe. It really helps your confidence.
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The crumbs of love that you offer me, they're the crumbs I've left behind. - L. Cohen
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