Confused and feeling anxious

[allienoah]

I need to ask a question...
How do you incorporate validating your pwBPd while not getting sucked into JADE-ing? Some of the most horrific battles I have had contained both and still to no avail. I try so hard to validate, I constantly say " I understand how you feel" and leave it at that. I don't add a "but". Yet he goes on and on to the point where I feel there is nothing else to do but justify, defend, explain why I feel differently and then finally give in to arguing. He is a verbal bully. And he demands reasons, then calls them "excuses" while calling me names. What always is demanded is that I do something to make him "less disappointed, less angry, less hurt". It is always my responsibility to solve the issue to his liking-translation-do what HE wants. In his world, if I understand his feelings, I am supposed to heal them. How do you handle this lovingly, while holding your ground and dignity?

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[Mutt]

Hi allienoah, 



I'm sorry to hear that. It has be difficult for you when you're managing your end of the r/s and he's not happy. I just want to start by saying that you're not responsible for how someone else feels A pwBPD feel more negative feelings that positive ones, and they don't have the ability to self sooth but it doesn't mean that you need to sooth him. Validation is a good tool because it makes someone else feel like they're heard. "I understand" is a good supportive statement but validation with how I understand it, is reading between the lines and putting it into words. For example, in your post I used empathy, how does it feel to be in your shoes, it has to be difficult when you're the one behind the wheel of the whole r/s? It's a lot for one person and there's a change of burning yourself out.

I think that not JADE'ing is a good goal, I speak for myself when I say this and results may vary but it took time and practive to unlearn my habits and learn new ones. Be patient with yourself and keep trying.

If my ex is convinced that the sky is red, well her reality is real to her, just like mine is to me, she suffers from a serious mental illness, she is who she is. So be it, if she thinks that it's red, I choose to not try to convince her that it's blue, I used to argue with her to try to see things my way but that's before I understand that she displays traits of BPD. Baiting was probably one of the things that took the longest for me to stop falling into the trap but when we don't JADE, it doesn't give her any wiggle room to start conflict or to perpetuate it, it starts with her and it ends with me. It took time and practive but she knows that if she tries to pick a fight she's going to be fighting with herself, she seldom tries to pick one.

Now with your situation, what worries is the name calling, I set a boundary with my ex that I will not tolerate name calling and if she does she will not get a response from me, it didn't happen overnight but eventually she got the picture after I kept defending my boundary and I stayed true to my words, she heard crickets if she called me names.

Just keep in mind that the tools may not always work, for example a pwBPD can't regulate their emotions like I said earlier, it takes a lot longer for them to return to baseline but if he's emotionally dysregulated and the tools don't work well at least you tried.

What's your boundary when he's verbally abusive?

[Skip]

I try so hard to validate, I constantly say " I understand how you feel" and leave it at that. I don't add a "but". Yet he goes on and on to the point where I feel there is nothing else to do but justify, defend, explain why I feel differently and then finally give in to arguing.

When your SO is dysregulating there is a period of no-reasoning and a period of returning to baseline - where communication is more possible.

Know this and recognize that your goal is to not to solve things at this time (its virtually impossible) - it is to not make it worse.

What stabilizes things in your house?

In mine, I get quiet, listen, repeat what the person says, express concern about getting things right... .and I ask for time to think about it.  If things get heated, I break the flow by going to the bath, walking the dog, getting something from the car, making a call I forgot to make.

See what I mean?

What can you do?

[allienoah]

I understand what you are saying in terms of validation. I see that just saying that I understand is not enough. Verbalizing how I am emphasizing with him would help. I will definitely work on that. A time out to regulate is something I have suggested over and over. I guess I need to keep physically removing myself from his presence when that starts, even when he tries to make me feel like I don't care enough for him to remain and sort it out.
I have started  expressing my intolerance of name calling by cutting the conversation off the minute he starts that. then when he calms down I point out that name calling is off the table. Of course he apologizes for that, with the reason that I made him so mad, I made him go to places of anger, I brought it out in him, on and on. Then the next time there is a fight, he does the same. round and round it goes. I guess I learned to tolerate name calling at an early age and it doesn't even really phase me as much as it should anymore. That's how beaten down  I feel

[Grey Kitty]

I point out that name calling is off the table. Of course he apologizes for that, with the reason that I made him so mad, I made him go to places of anger, I brought it out in him, on and on.

There is a fine line here.

He really was upset about something, he really was mad. It might have been triggered by you, it might not have; that doesn't really matter.

It is reasonable for him to talk to you about what he is upset about, whether it is something you did, or something on TV.

Once he goes to calling you names, he's crossed a line, and you enforce a boundary.

Later, when he calms down, and you talk about it with him, there is one more thing which crosses the same line... .

He talks about why (something you did) justifies calling you names. As soon as he ties those two together, time to enforce the same boundary, and end the conversation. (Or insist that the subject be closed right now.)

Does that make sense?

And if you validate, validate his real feelings--he WAS upset. Don't validate the invalid. Don't validate that he had any right or reason to call you names.