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Author Topic: The inner core is the real person  (Read 467 times)
bus boy
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« on: March 19, 2017, 12:52:52 PM »

When we are in a r/s what we see behind closed doors, I feel, is the real inner core of what makes that person tick. Many of us feel when our abuser discards us for someone new they flip a switch and change, they do but only long enough to reel in the new victim. This could take weeks, months even years but rest assured a leopard does not change its spots. It takes time but the replacement will see it and it also depends on how codependent or damaged in some way the replacement is. Some think they are being a kind soul to the abuser, helping them get over the horrible person they were married to. So often the replacements boundaries are being ran over and they don't see it. My Xw took every opportunity to say hurtful mean things, that's her real inner core, that makes her tick, they don't switch that off. She made fun of my occupation, always saying vile things about my trade and people in it, she hated my family, she hates her extend family, her coworkers are loosers, everyone was a drunk or a thief or both, no one was any good, loosers and the list goes on. You don't become that way overnight or you don't switch it off like that. They must pick people they can take advantage of and discard with ease. My poor replacement is quiet gullible, a good man but no boundaries so she walks all over them. He thinks he's being an A1 guy but he's being fooled, lied to. He is from the next county, very Acadian county and you guessed it, Frenchman are near the top of Xw's hit list of people she doesn't like. The abuser has an agenda for all there victims. And it's sadly a long drawn out process for the people closest to them, the ones that sooner or later but always will be witness to the true inner core of the BPD/ NPD abuser.
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infjEpic
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« Reply #1 on: March 22, 2017, 09:10:41 PM »

Lack a sense of self;
Lack a core personality;
Emotional volatility;
High impulsivity;
Lack of Object Constancy;


All of these characteristics may it very difficult to establish what their inner core is, if they have one.

Add Pathological Lying and Projection into the mix... .You come of what you have believed to have been an incredibly intense relationship, feeling that you never knew the real person - if there is one.
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bus boy
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« Reply #2 on: March 23, 2017, 06:36:17 AM »

Exactly, I never really knew Xw, she never shared. There was something very powerful about her I couldn't put my finger on. I told Xw when we were married that I didn't know her, I said I know your favorite colour, how you like your coffee, things like that but I told her I don't know you, she did not take that well, I hit a personality disordered nerve. I shared my life and past but hers was locked up tight. In a rural community you can't hide your past, if your great great grandfather stole a sheep, you can rest assured your family will always be known as the sheep thieves. So with Xw very sadly there was sexual abuse in Xw's family and I feel, weather she was abused or not, it is at the core of what makes her tick. When huge cracks started appearing in our marriage, me, knowing nothing of personality disorders or the affects of sexual abuse for that matter, Xw is very high functioning and together but emotionally she 5. I was pushing hard for us to attend marriage councelling, she was dead set against any councelling, said it was easier to leave, Xw mother even told me to stop pushing councelling and threatened me with violence, as did my Xw many times. Xw probably feels safer now bc she uses my replacement as a bully protector and he knows nothing of Xw family secrets. Xw can hide a lot and use me as the source of her problems and by the way my replacement acts towards me I know it's not normal and she if filling him up and by the way she acts, I'm totally discarded painted black, no reasonable coparenting communication what so ever, her behaviour indicates to me she has worked on her core, just changed gears on her manipulating techniques.
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Pretty Woman
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« Reply #3 on: March 23, 2017, 08:57:52 AM »

I truly believe there is no inner core. They completely lack identity. I think we see the "true" them when the mask drops. This usually occurs once we've had substantial exposure to their acting out behaviors. Once we see this side of them, once it is truly revealed seems to be when the devaluation begins.

I think part of what keeps me stuck is I am fascinated by all of this. By nature I am inquisitive and like to learn new things. After much exposure to my ex I was able to distinguish very distinct patterns. I pretty much knew when she was going to start to lose it and could tell where she was in her emotional state by her profile pic changes on FB. It got to the point I could pinpoint the exact week she'd actual contact me... .
without seeing her or speaking to her at all.

After extended NC I realize I knew nothing about my ex. I cannot tell you her favorite color, band, what her goals, hopes and dreams are.

Likely because she has none. 
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cubicinch
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« Reply #4 on: March 23, 2017, 09:48:24 AM »

the ,mention of close relatives and friends here, baring witness to their behaviour patterns. I was lucky, after 3 months of epic relationship, it came to a head where I needed to find out just what the f... .was going on, so I spoke candidly to her father and step mother, they very kindly felt empathy for me which she lacked of course, and filled me in on the repeat relationships and life in general that they had witnessed. To the point that even they have given up on her. I got closure and will be eternally grateful for their honesty. All this happened before I knew anything about how BPDs behave, but now I know, and you guys have backed it all up.
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Duped 1
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« Reply #5 on: March 23, 2017, 09:58:38 AM »

I truly believe there is no inner core. They completely lack identity. I think we see the "true" them when the mask drops. This usually occurs once we've had substantial exposure to their acting out behaviors. Once we see this side of them, once it is truly revealed seems to be when the devaluation begins.

I think part of what keeps me stuck is I am fascinated by all of this. By nature I am inquisitive and like to learn new things. After much exposure to my ex I was able to distinguish very distinct patterns. I pretty much knew when she was going to start to lose it and could tell where she was in her emotional state by her profile pic changes on FB. It got to the point I could pinpoint the exact week she'd actual contact me... .
without seeing her or speaking to her at all.

After extended NC I realize I knew nothing about my ex. I cannot tell you her favorite color, band, what her goals, hopes and dreams are.

Likely because she has none. 

Interesting PW and by the way you add an awful lot of value to these boards and I thank you for that.

The hopes and dreams of my exgf were all about finding the perfect man and being married again after being single for 11 years. This is her complete focus in life especially now that her kids are starting to leave the nest. She is absolutely terrified of being alone and is looking for the perfect "one to fill her damage, broken, abusive soul.
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bus boy
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« Reply #6 on: March 23, 2017, 10:13:34 AM »

Pretty woman, that's right, that's the point I was trying to make, when the mask drops that's the real person, I guess that's what I was trying to get across when I said inner core.
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bus boy
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« Reply #7 on: March 23, 2017, 10:15:53 AM »

cubicinch, I tried to talk to Xw father and sister but I was met with wrath, threats of violence and over all total ignorance.
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Pretty Woman
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« Reply #8 on: March 23, 2017, 11:43:20 AM »

I am sure they are not completely empty inside so there IS a core of some sort, the thing is this, their core is severely wounded.

It really is a sad disorder. I am not dismissing the crappy things my ex to me or to others, but the fact that she knows something is wrong and won't even attempt to get help because the people around her enable it and in some cases encourage and fuel her bad behaviors... .THAT is the real tragedy. The fact that as a little girl she was lost inside herself and learned to disassociate to survive the abuse in her family. THAT is the real tragedy.

However, it is not my place to try to fix or help her. She never asked me to and it was my ego, my own narcissism in thinking I could do this.

It is very easy after one of these relationships end to blame the other person. In most circumstances the other person reacted in a much more vicious almost "animalistic" manner so we want to make them out to be just that, an animal.

But we have CHOICE and we chose to stay. That is not our ex's fault. For whatever reason, we were willing to stick it out, try to stick the square peg in the round hole and make it work, sometimes 15, 20, 30 or more times which is NOT normal.  There comes a time we need to take responsibility for our own actions in this and work on what we can fix... .ourselves  . If I look back on every major relationship in my life there IS a pattern. It wasn't until this relationship I noticed it. That is the greatest gift this past relationship gave me.

I was cheated on and lied to in EVERY past "long term" romantic relationship and in all those relationships I was left for someone else. After awhile you get in a cycle, especially if you have been abandoned once. I truly believe we keep attracting the same types until WE make changes, until we erect boundaries we do not allow anyone and I mean ANYONE to break.

It's hard loving yourself when you've been left or treated poorly. You find yourself trying to gain approval from people who don't deserve that level of control over your life. You need to approve YOU first.

Any healthy person would have taken one look at our exes and ran the other way. All the red flags we were shown in the beginning yet we stayed and expected something else, they were showing us EXACTLY WHO THEY ARE.

I've cut a lot of people from my life the past year. MAJOR relationships in my life, some people who have been friends my entire life, some family members as well. Thing is this, these were all very damaging unhealthy relationships where I was put down and ostrasized in some cases.

Sometimes I throw myself a pity party. I feel lonely but then I realize maybe it's not loneliness, maybe it's the absence of drama which I began to see as the norm. That was a HUGE revelation for me.

I now choose to surround myself with happy and thriving people. My career has taken off and overall my life is nowhere near where it was two years ago. It took going through this to get here though and it's still a struggle sometimes. We all have our bad days.

That's why I always say "don't beat yourself up" for your feelings or if you reach out to your ex. We've all done it. We are all human and have our own core wounds we need to work on and that takes time and work. That is why it's so important to support others on these boards and be kind. We are all in different stages of healing here, but we are here and I think that shows we genuinely care enough about ourselves to want to get through this with the valuable resources available to us here.

I really am grateful for all of you here.

 

 
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marti644
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« Reply #9 on: March 23, 2017, 11:58:55 AM »

I am sure they are not completely empty inside so there IS a core of some sort, the thing is this, their core is severely wounded.

It really is a sad disorder. I am not dismissing the crappy things my ex to me or to others, but the fact that she knows something is wrong and won't even attempt to get help because the people around her enable it and in some cases encourage and fuel her bad behaviors... .THAT is the real tragedy. The fact that as a little girl she was lost inside herself and learned to disassociate to survive the abuse in her family. THAT is the real tragedy.

However, it is not my place to try to fix or help her. She never asked me to and it was my ego, my own narcissism in thinking I could do this.

It is very easy after one of these relationships end to blame the other person. In most circumstances the other person reacted in a much more vicious almost "animalistic" manner so we want to make them out to be just that, an animal.

But we have CHOICE and we chose to stay. That is not our ex's fault. For whatever reason, we were willing to stick it out, try to stick the square peg in the round hole and make it work, sometimes 15, 20, 30 or more times which is NOT normal.  There comes a time we need to take responsibility for our own actions in this and work on what we can fix... .ourselves  . If I look back on every major relationship in my life there IS a pattern. It wasn't until this relationship I noticed it. That is the greatest gift this past relationship gave me.

I was cheated on and lied to in EVERY past "long term" romantic relationship and in all those relationships I was left for someone else. After awhile you get in a cycle, especially if you have been abandoned once. I truly believe we keep attracting the same types until WE make changes, until we erect boundaries we do not allow anyone and I mean ANYONE to break.

It's hard loving yourself when you've been left or treated poorly. You find yourself trying to gain approval from people who don't deserve that level of control over your life. You need to approve YOU first.

Any healthy person would have taken one look at our exes and ran the other way. All the red flags we were shown in the beginning yet we stayed and expected something else, they were showing us EXACTLY WHO THEY ARE.

I've cut a lot of people from my life the past year. MAJOR relationships in my life, some people who have been friends my entire life, some family members as well. Thing is this, these were all very damaging unhealthy relationships where I was put down and ostrasized in some cases.

Sometimes I throw myself a pity party. I feel lonely but then I realize maybe it's not loneliness, maybe it's the absence of drama which I began to see as the norm. That was a HUGE revelation for me.

I now choose to surround myself with happy and thriving people. My career has taken off and overall my life is nowhere near where it was two years ago. It took going through this to get here though and it's still a struggle sometimes. We all have our bad days.

That's why I always say "don't beat yourself up" for your feelings or if you reach out to your ex. We've all done it. We are all human and have our own core wounds we need to work on and that takes time and work. That is why it's so important to support others on these boards and be kind. We are all in different stages of healing here, but we are here and I think that shows we genuinely care enough about ourselves to want to get through this with the valuable resources available to us here.

I really am grateful for all of you here.

 

 

Prettywoman. I don't have anything to say except  to say thank you. This is exactly the type of healing thought so needed.
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Pretty Woman
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The Greatest Love is the Love You Give Yourself


« Reply #10 on: March 23, 2017, 12:02:47 PM »

Anytime   I just see so much hope for all of us. We have the capacity to live our dreams and have amazing lives. Many of us do have great lives, we are just so focused on this one person being our entire world when they really aren't at all. Once we remove our focus and give ourselves closure we can focus on the things that DO make us happy. That's how we get closer to our goals. Our exes have moved on. We should too. Why are we depriving ourselves of being truly happy? We hold the power there, they don't. We give them our power.
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infjEpic
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« Reply #11 on: March 24, 2017, 06:15:20 AM »

the ,mention of close relatives and friends here, baring witness to their behaviour patterns. I was lucky, after 3 months of epic relationship, it came to a head where I needed to find out just what the f... .was going on, so I spoke candidly to her father and step mother, they very kindly felt empathy for me which she lacked of course, and filled me in on the repeat relationships and life in general that they had witnessed. To the point that even they have given up on her. I got closure and will be eternally grateful for their honesty. All this happened before I knew anything about how BPDs behave, but now I know, and you guys have backed it all up.

That's very interesting, Thanks for sharing.



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redriver

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« Reply #12 on: March 29, 2017, 09:04:57 AM »

I am sure they are not completely empty inside so there IS a core of some sort, the thing is this, their core is severely wounded.

It really is a sad disorder. I am not dismissing the crappy things my ex to me or to others, but the fact that she knows something is wrong and won't even attempt to get help because the people around her enable it and in some cases encourage and fuel her bad behaviors... .THAT is the real tragedy. The fact that as a little girl she was lost inside herself and learned to disassociate to survive the abuse in her family. THAT is the real tragedy.

However, it is not my place to try to fix or help her. She never asked me to and it was my ego, my own narcissism in thinking I could do this.

It is very easy after one of these relationships end to blame the other person. In most circumstances the other person reacted in a much more vicious almost "animalistic" manner so we want to make them out to be just that, an animal.

But we have CHOICE and we chose to stay. That is not our ex's fault. For whatever reason, we were willing to stick it out, try to stick the square peg in the round hole and make it work, sometimes 15, 20, 30 or more times which is NOT normal.  There comes a time we need to take responsibility for our own actions in this and work on what we can fix... .ourselves  . If I look back on every major relationship in my life there IS a pattern. It wasn't until this relationship I noticed it. That is the greatest gift this past relationship gave me.

I was cheated on and lied to in EVERY past "long term" romantic relationship and in all those relationships I was left for someone else. After awhile you get in a cycle, especially if you have been abandoned once. I truly believe we keep attracting the same types until WE make changes, until we erect boundaries we do not allow anyone and I mean ANYONE to break.

It's hard loving yourself when you've been left or treated poorly. You find yourself trying to gain approval from people who don't deserve that level of control over your life. You need to approve YOU first.

Any healthy person would have taken one look at our exes and ran the other way. All the red flags we were shown in the beginning yet we stayed and expected something else, they were showing us EXACTLY WHO THEY ARE.

I've cut a lot of people from my life the past year. MAJOR relationships in my life, some people who have been friends my entire life, some family members as well. Thing is this, these were all very damaging unhealthy relationships where I was put down and ostrasized in some cases.

Sometimes I throw myself a pity party. I feel lonely but then I realize maybe it's not loneliness, maybe it's the absence of drama which I began to see as the norm. That was a HUGE revelation for me.

I now choose to surround myself with happy and thriving people. My career has taken off and overall my life is nowhere near where it was two years ago. It took going through this to get here though and it's still a struggle sometimes. We all have our bad days.

That's why I always say "don't beat yourself up" for your feelings or if you reach out to your ex. We've all done it. We are all human and have our own core wounds we need to work on and that takes time and work. That is why it's so important to support others on these boards and be kind. We are all in different stages of healing here, but we are here and I think that shows we genuinely care enough about ourselves to want to get through this with the valuable resources available to us here.

I really am grateful for all of you here.

 

 
You are so right. You posted on a post I had made about my EX telling me she was expencing. My lack of self worth has always been at the core of all my issues. When I found my EX or she found me, it was like a breath of fresh air. And it felt that was until the day she changed and i saw a whole new person, adn her actions were like nothign I could have made up. But I sat back and tried to keep it all together, had I had any sense of self worth I would have tossed her out. I think many of us on here feel so bad and in such pain. It's like being in a hit and run, I would give anything to be back with my EX knowing all I know, but the reality is I so dono't want to feel this way anymore, that I think that she can take the pain away. I spend many many hours thinking of how it could be, know that I know so much about BPD that I in some way now could navigate all of this. But I know I can't. Mine was a quite boraderline always the good girl, telling about her morals, as I would watch her shop lift makeup, or change price stickers on things she wated to buy. We keep attracting people we want to help, on order for us to feeel some worth in ourselfs. We say we are giving people, but we give way to much. I can only speak about myself, but I know I'm willing to traid my self respect in order to help them, and therefore feel validated.
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troisette
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« Reply #13 on: March 29, 2017, 10:54:13 AM »

Thanks for your posts PrettyWoman: wise woman!
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