Advice or maybe to vent? I need help.

[Imsosad]

I'm still not sure if my Ex has BPD.  Here's the situation.  We have been on and off for 3 years.  She finds stupid reasons to leave, I got so mad once and retaliated against her for everything she's put me through which she now holds against me when she's mad.

Recently we started seeing each other, everything was mostly great until she started telling me what she thinks is wrong with me.  I got upset and stayed quiet which made it worse.  She ignored me for many hours no matter how many times I tried talking to her then I went home and tried texting her, she ignored me.  I tried again the next day to where she blocked me.  I flipped out and called from another phone too many times, crying and begging.  Eventually she emailed me and called me a predator, said I have an attachment disorder and said kids have better boundaries than me, said I was selfish then threatened me with a restraining order and that she sent the email to the police.  I emailed back saying I would leave her alone but before I left, I basically told her how hurtful she has been and reminded her that she is the one who keeps coming back into my life and  is confusing me.  I fell into a deep frustration and depression. 

Four days later she emailed saying how predictable I am (because I tried to move on and date which I couldn't, also went back to my home state to visit family), that I should surprise myself and try something different in my life when it comes to dealing with my emotions.  I waited to cool off before responding then explained that I can see how she feels I am predictable and I will explore that.  I was very kind in the email and explained that both of us have valid feelings and I respect hers.  I also said I was just very hurt by her strong accusations.  Several hours later she called and asked if she could come to my house.  After that we spent several days together.  Some days wonderful others full of criticism which I tried very hard not to take personal.  Yesterday she flipped on me again.  I was taking too long in the restroom and when I came out she snapped at me to go home.  I didn't even get to put my shoes on.  I ran out barefoot.  I messaged her later asking if she was upset.  She said no, just that she was tired and wanted to shower really bad.   

This relationship has been so overwhelming.  She'll go days calling and texting, being sweet then all of the sudden she won't respond to my messages for hours.  Sometimes days.  I don't know if she's dating someone else or just needs space.  I want to make this relationship work, but I don't know how to approach her.  I can't handle being ignored, accused and hurt anymore.  I don't know what to do to make this easier.   I have tried so many times to move on.  She dumps me, I give up after a month or so and try to meet new people then she comes back and accuses me of being untrustworthy because I still try to move on.  Why the hell does she come back if I am so horrible? And what can I do to make this relationship healthy?  Should I stop initiating contact?  For example, I text her every morning when I wake up to tell her hi and I care about her.  Do I back off?  Will that help?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

Let me welcome you here to the bpdfamily, and wish for you as much help and support as I have received.  There are a lot of parallels in what you wrote and what has been written by other members here, myself included, and this is a community where we help each other, so I'm sure if you keep posting and reading you will find it helpful.

I can relate to the being overwhelmed, confused, frustrated, and depression that you wrote about. It is a situation that would be hard for anyone. It takes a lot of personal strength to be in a relationship with a person who suffers from BPD. You have to define and maintain healthy Boundaries to protect yourself from being hurt. Maintaining your composure and communicating in a healthier manner will also serve you well. There are some basic tools in the sidebar to the right that will likely be a good place for you to start.

There is some good news in what you wrote however. She told you some things that are very useful, and probably very true. As I just mentioned, it takes a great deal of personal strength to be in one of these relationships, and she told you as much when she said that you'd surprise yourself if you tried something different in your life when it comes to dealing with your emotions.

Repeated attempts at contact show fear and weakness. It is a natural response to the situation though when we go through the cycle of idealization and devaluation. We miss the high that we get from the idealization phase. Our worlds feel like they have been vaporized and we want nothing more than to experience the good again.

But, weakness, clingyness, and neediness are unattractive qualities. When we pursue the other person more than they pursue us, we tell that person that they are in control of us and our lives. The object of our desire loses respect for us. This pretty much applies to any person, not just a person with BPD.

If you want a relationship with her, then perhaps, it's best to not try to date anyone else for a while. Use the time when she is quiet to work on yourself to make yourself a stronger, more attractive person.

Try not to worry about what she may or may not be doing and focus on yourself. You said that historically you over-pursue her. She told you that is predictable behavior. Stop being predictable. Change the dynamic and get a different outcome.

What are you doing for you and to make yourself a stronger, less predictable, and more interesting person?

I believe you will be greatly comforted by the support here and the fact that we really understand what you are going through. We've all been there to varying degrees. Take care of yourself. We will look out for future posts from you.