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Author Topic: Outing them.  (Read 539 times)
hurting300
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« on: March 19, 2017, 08:06:03 PM »

Should we out these people? My ex is getting all kinds of government assistance because she is pretending to be a single mom. I have the kid most of the time. She is literally telling people she escaped an abusive relationship and she is getting school money, food stamps, housing. I'm sick of my name being drug threw the mug. I'm not nor was I ever like that. The COURT concluded that. I'm so unbelievably mad. Should I call that place and tell that charity she is lying. Or would they even believe me?
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In the eye for an eye game, he who cares least, wins. I, for one. am never stepping into the ring with someone who is impulsive and doesn't think of the downstream consequences.
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« Reply #1 on: March 19, 2017, 08:19:11 PM »

I find that outing and saying anything related to the truth just makes you look like you're the crazy one.

So if anything, you would just be reaffirming the lie.

unless you had a lawyer saying on your behalf
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hurting300
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« Reply #2 on: March 19, 2017, 08:44:05 PM »

I find that outing and saying anything related to the truth just makes you look like you're the crazy one.

So if anything, you would just be reaffirming the lie.

unless you had a lawyer saying on your behalf
What upsets me is somewhere out there someone is a REAL single mom wanting college and actually needing help. And here she is stealing it.
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« Reply #3 on: March 19, 2017, 08:47:39 PM »

Hi Hurting

I would guess there is absolutely NO benefit to you in doing this other than the very temporary satisfaction that she is going to be up against the sh!t.  Moreover, if she maintains her benefits then you are going to be neck deep in that same pile and she will have you even more upset.

Do what you like but sounds like a pretty bad idea to me.

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« Reply #4 on: March 19, 2017, 09:24:58 PM »

I have to agree with the others.  I think if you try to out her she will somehow twist it into making you look crazy and it could portray her even more as a victim.

I think we are all very aware of their ability to distort reality in their favor.  Just be patient and hopefully karma will catch up to her.
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« Reply #5 on: March 19, 2017, 09:34:20 PM »

I'm not going to say anything. I'm just really angry over it. They are even sending her to New York for leadership training. I can not believe someone has the balls to straight up lie like that.
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« Reply #6 on: March 20, 2017, 03:05:41 AM »

I get the sense of injustice. I get wound up by the lies and double standards (not so much now). My ex wife is married to a guy that earns between 1/4 and 1/2 a million yet she has not paid one penny in maintenance. I on the other hand have paid generously even when I was unemployed. She told everyone including my children that I never paid anything.

I have been accused of domestic abuse to physically and mentally abusing my children. She has her cronies that buy into her pity party but it doesn't bother me anymore. Even if I outed her she would just start again from scratch with a new group. I would end up like a worn out super hero where every time I defeated a villain a new one would appear and it would start over again until I was the one worn out and defeated.

Best for your own sake to not let it get to you (easier said than done) and enjoy your life.
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hurting300
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« Reply #7 on: March 20, 2017, 04:15:29 AM »

Honestly it just hit me the wrong way today. I do enjoy life and honestly I feel better now. I was just venting.
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« Reply #8 on: March 20, 2017, 04:33:58 AM »

Well done Hurting, you got through it. When I have that anger at the injustice of it all or even the deep hurt I still feel I punch a pillow. Have exploded 2 so far, very messy, feathers everywhere and guess who has to clean up. It worked though.
Love from
Sadly x
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hurting300
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« Reply #9 on: March 20, 2017, 04:06:24 PM »

Well done Hurting, you got through it. When I have that anger at the injustice of it all or even the deep hurt I still feel I punch a pillow. Have exploded 2 so far, very messy, feathers everywhere and guess who has to clean up. It worked though.
Love from
Sadly x
I honestly feel sorry for her but at the same time I want to hurt her in the same way she hurt me. I just wanna wipe that smirk off her face by showing people proof she is a pathological liar.
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« Reply #10 on: March 20, 2017, 05:05:11 PM »

I honestly feel sorry for her but at the same time I want to hurt her in the same way she hurt me. I just wanna wipe that smirk off her face by showing people proof she is a pathological liar.

For some reason, this made me chuckle a bit. I guess it is because I have had that same thought a time or two.

One of the things that I have come to realize is that it is impossible to hurt ex in the same way that he hurt me. He would have to have genuine and authentic feelings for me to be able to hurt him like he has hurt me.

At the end of the relationship and during the time since I kicked him out, he has shown very little remorse or emotions. I have said a lot of really mean things to him hoping to get some kind of response from him. I was really wanting him to try to at least understand how much he hurt me and the kids. I just wanted to see something that meant that he loved his family and was sad about losing us.

He will acknowledge that he did what he did: "Yes, I said those things to other women. Yes, I went out with another woman while you were planning your grandma's funeral. Yes, I encouraged you to be with other men and then harassed you to give me intimate details." He can admit ALL of that stuff to ME with little or no emotion at all.

If I try to tell other people about it, I end up looking crazy. I end up looking like I am making stuff up because some of the stuff that happened is so unbelievably bizarre. And, he presents as such a good boy that goes to church and speaks so highly of me to some people. I sound bat crap crazy. Heck, there are times when I read what I wrote on this forum and think, "Oh my god, did that really happen?" I can't believe how big of a liar he is and how much he hides behind his good boy act. What is worse is that I don't hide my quirks or annoyances. I don't pretend to be somebody I am not. That makes it very, very difficult for me to expose him or ever wipe that smirk off of his face.
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hopealways
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« Reply #11 on: March 20, 2017, 07:18:30 PM »

Generally speaking, I have no problem outing someone if it is based on something that is true.  There's nothing wrong with the truth.

However, I do wonder if the real reason we want to out them is that it actually breaks NC and makes us feel as though we are communicating with them, which is totally dysfunctional. That is why I think it is best to truly stay NC meaning no thoughts or actions or outing or anything.
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« Reply #12 on: March 22, 2017, 07:11:35 AM »

I think my ex always wanted me to out her on things.

I never have, however.

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« Reply #13 on: March 22, 2017, 07:27:26 AM »

I think its clear that there is no real point in outing them.

And as hopealways say, it's probably more about reengaging with them then actually 'helping' others. It's true that we will likely never be able to 'wipe the smirk' of the faces of our lying exes, and that on the outside it looks like they have won.

But these are deeply troubled and sick people who move from relationship to relationship, friendship to friendship, and family member to family member and their children over time. I am young(ish) now (31), so it looks like my 24 year-old, beautiful BPD-ex has one because I was discarded and replaced. But what will 30 or forty more years of her addictions, promiscuity and reckless behaviour bring her? Likely an early death, suicide, and more importantly a lifetime of being alone, regardless of what it seems like on the surface. Looking in the long-term there is no winning or losing for us. We can have healthy relationships, they cannot because most of them will never get help.

I just thank God we are all free of this. We can actually live real lives, we should forever be grateful for that regardless of how the short-term outcomes look.
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« Reply #14 on: March 22, 2017, 12:46:10 PM »

Don't do it. Please.

You are coming from a place of revenge and I can tell you from personal experience, nothing and I mean nothing good comes of it. You are inviting her to retaliate. Let me tell you, a BPD hell bent on ruining you will pull out no stops. They aren't worth it.

While I don't believe in Karma I do believe persons with issues eventually are their own undoing. She will eventually meet her match in the crazy department or slip up and do something that ruins her.

Don't be the contributing factor.

Listen, I am on the "other side" of this right now. I have a co-worker I used to be best friends with. We had a falling out over Christmas two years ago. She abruptly stopped talking to me, wouldn't even let me explain myself. Then, this person I have known for over eight years, drove to work for six months when she broke her ankle, attended all her kid's birthdays and family events, proceeded to slander me to my co-workers. Not only did she out me as a lesbian she ended up telling people about my surgery (gastric) which I had not disclosed to my department.

This was a close friend (or so I thought). I could have retaliated with worse but guess what? Guess who is stopping by my desk and asking to borrow a tape gun, trying to make conversation with me? Coming up with every excuse in the book to make small talk?

Yup.

And I am being very cordial. Imagine the looks on my co-workers faces when they walk by and see her laughing and telling me stories, me this person she talked very badly about and said some pretty horrible things.

She looks like a liar.

I didn't have to do a thing. Like I said, they will be their own undoing. Irrational behavior always creates a situation for them... .eventually. Revel in the fact you did not stoop to her level.

Please trust me on this one.
 
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Sadly
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« Reply #15 on: March 22, 2017, 01:12:39 PM »

Also, and I feel very strongly about this, they have to live with their own dark cold empty and very frightening space that is the inside of their very being. They would not choose to be this way, who would. Some function enough to recognise it and get help, some never can and so appear evil.  We inhabit their world for a period of time, live with the pain and confusion it brings, we can get OUT. I hurt for my ex partner as much as I hurt for me. If being this way and doing those things is what it takes for his survival then as deep as my grief is I understand and pity him. Ironically, that understanding and pity would enrage him but it's mine, not his, I own it and feel it. This is a terrible terrible mental illness and I pray they will find something to help it as much as I do for cancer or any other terminal illness that inflicts our society. I would not, could not out him. Sorry, this is just me.
Love from
Sadly xx
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« Reply #16 on: March 22, 2017, 09:12:12 PM »

Honestly it's not because I want to talk to her. The fact that she is giving me a bad name and stealing from people that could actually use the help is why I was angry.
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Sadly
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« Reply #17 on: March 23, 2017, 01:54:19 AM »

I know, am so sorry I got on my soap box, am in a weird place right now after accidentally seeing him. All these step forwards, sideways and backwards are hard are they not.
Love from
Sadly xx
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hurting300
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« Reply #18 on: March 23, 2017, 03:12:09 AM »

I know, am so sorry I got on my soap box, am in a weird place right now after accidentally seeing him. All these step forwards, sideways and backwards are hard are they not.
Love from
Sadly xx
Don't apologize, I value your opinion. It actually made me think about it. I'm sorry you're going through a bad time.
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« Reply #19 on: March 23, 2017, 04:01:06 AM »

Also, and I feel very strongly about this, they have to live with their own dark cold empty and very frightening space that is the inside of their very being. They would not choose to be this way, who would. Some function enough to recognise it and get help, some never can and so appear evil.  We inhabit their world for a period of time, live with the pain and confusion it brings, we can get OUT. I hurt for my ex partner as much as I hurt for me. If being this way and doing those things is what it takes for his survival then as deep as my grief is I understand and pity him. Ironically, that understanding and pity would enrage him but it's mine, not his, I own it and feel it. This is a terrible terrible mental illness and I pray they will find something to help it as much as I do for cancer or any other terminal illness that inflicts our society. I would not, could not out him. Sorry, this is just me.
Love from
Sadly xx

Sadly, this is beautifully said, don't be hard on yourself. People with BPD have had terrible things happen to them that make them the way they are. And as we heal its important to develop sympathy for them. It's the key to full detachment I believe.

My BPD-ex told me of her trauma - she was raped by her uncle at a young age and when she tried to run away once she fell off a second story balcony and broke both her legs. Her family, for cultural reasons (and the fact that I think her mother and father are disordered too), does not talk about family issues so it was never made public and her uncle was never put to justice. The official story is she tried to commit suicide.

I cannot judge her for her actions in many ways, who knows how this trauma effected her brain and her ability to cope with life. The fact that she told me about her most intimate details and how committed our relationship was at the end is the reason she felt engulfed and had to leave  probably (although she had been cheating and preparing to leave the entire time as is typical with the disordered).

What I do know is that I can't ever help her. I am not equipped to deal with her trauma, only a professional therapist could.  There is no way for me to really get through to her logically. Just beating my head against the wall would be the only basic result. And 'outing' someone who is this mentally ill is cruel, its like pushing a blind man into the gutter for being blind. And it also makes us no better then them and their actions in my opinion. Best to leave them, build a better life, and hope for their sake they see that something is wrong and get help. As rescuers we tend to think we are the only one who can save them or others. People can only save themselves. So I start by saving myself!

Keep stepping hurting, each day is progress!
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« Reply #20 on: March 23, 2017, 05:09:12 AM »

Thanks Hurtin, I think I need to wean myself from the habit of apologising.
Also beautifully said Marti.
I need to come back. Today is a very bad sad painful one, not doing so well.
Love from Sadly xx
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« Reply #21 on: March 23, 2017, 09:09:43 AM »

Hurtin,
  The best way to fight slander is ignore it. If you act like it's absolutely ridiculous and dismiss it, people will eventually stop listening to her BS.

There will be people who believe her. I can guarantee she has enablers and proxies that will stick up for her no matter what she says or does, but why do you need to prove yourself to people so gullible? That's almost like trying to change your BPD ex's mind.

I am going through this at work. My ex friend has said horrific things about me. Just this morning she stopped at my desk to say some terrible things about another co worker.

The insanity of it is this very person made some serious allegations against me that went to HR. A year later, she is completely friendless (for good reason) and trying to engage me after throwing me under the bus to my co-workers and management team.

When the bulk of the slandering was happening, I too was steaming inside. There were many times I wanted to throttle her. I wanted to tell her what an ashat she was and that she lost a good friend due to her stubbornness and ignorance. I will say, if it weren't for my BPD ex I wouldn't have realized this person was NEVER my friend and I actually don't owe her anything. I am letting her come to my desk and talk, but only because now, when all the people she slandered me to walk past she looks like a liar.

And she is.

I am not being vindictive. I am being business professional. Don't stoop to the level of your ex. If you hold your head high and dismiss the naysayers you will come out on top. I know it sucks and it hurts to be treated this way, by someone you cared about but now you need to take care of you. What she does is her business. You know the truth, you are living it. Reacting to her in any way, even by narcing on her behind her back is still giving her power over you.

You own it. Stay true to who you are and don't stoop to her tactics.
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« Reply #22 on: March 23, 2017, 10:01:59 AM »

Sadly-

I never looked at BPD as a terminal illness... .I like that description. It's a terminal illness that may never end her life (although she could be successful in a suicide attempt ultimately or gets killed from her reckless driving), but it is terminal in that she will never be cured and have any chance at a normal life or relationship... .those options are dead to her.

We as nons are not terminal. Being rid of them is like a new lease on life for us... .we are cured... .
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« Reply #23 on: March 26, 2017, 12:57:26 AM »

Hurtin,
  The best way to fight slander is ignore it. If you act like it's absolutely ridiculous and dismiss it, people will eventually stop listening to her BS.

There will be people who believe her. I can guarantee she has enablers and proxies that will stick up for her no matter what she says or does, but why do you need to prove yourself to people so gullible? That's almost like trying to change your BPD ex's mind.

I am going through this at work. My ex friend has said horrific things about me. Just this morning she stopped at my desk to say some terrible things about another co worker.

The insanity of it is this very person made some serious allegations against me that went to HR. A year later, she is completely friendless (for good reason) and trying to engage me after throwing me under the bus to my co-workers and management team.

When the bulk of the slandering was happening, I too was steaming inside. There were many times I wanted to throttle her. I wanted to tell her what an ashat she was and that she lost a good friend due to her stubbornness and ignorance. I will say, if it weren't for my BPD ex I wouldn't have realized this person was NEVER my friend and I actually don't owe her anything. I am letting her come to my desk and talk, but only because now, when all the people she slandered me to walk past she looks like a liar.

And she is.

I am not being vindictive. I am being business professional. Don't stoop to the level of your ex. If you hold your head high and dismiss the naysayers you will come out on top. I know it sucks and it hurts to be treated this way, by someone you cared about but now you need to take care of you. What she does is her business. You know the truth, you are living it. Reacting to her in any way, even by narcing on her behind her back is still giving her power over you.

You own it. Stay true to who you are and don't stoop to her tactics.

Although ignoring it is the best answer, I don't think people end up stop believing it.
From what I can tell, they'll keep going with the lie for a long time and people will continue to comfort them until the lie gets dull enough to where it's not part of everyday life.

For example, My ex said she was raped by her ex. I come to find out that is more than likely not true and is to the point of absurdity.

However, she literally played this card and even developed PHYSICAL symptoms of ptsd like behavior for years! Just to get me to feel sympathy.

She even to the last bits of our time together would still mention it every blue moon after years.


All-in-all. I think they milk false accusations til its dry, sadly.
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« Reply #24 on: March 28, 2017, 12:13:17 AM »

It's weird. We all can sit here and tell each other how WE messed up in the relationship. But can they? No they can not. Nothing was ever my exes fault with any of her past relationships. I had a falling out with one of her friends on Facebook. This girl added me and I had no clue they were buddies because we have each other blocked. But this 24 year old girl is extremely narcissistic to say the least. It's her birthday month and wow. She calls it the Queens birthday month talking about herself. She had professional pics made and probably over 1,000 selfies talking about her "national holiday". That's sad. She has a kid and barely post anything about his birthday but hers is a national holiday lmao? So she got really hateful on my Facebook and let me know who she was. She went on to tell me how she is better than me and how she makes so much more money than me. It pissed me off BAD. So I found out she has a criminal background and I posted her mugshot. She deactivated her Facebook but honestly she disrespected me in a bad way. I feel bad about it now.
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« Reply #25 on: March 28, 2017, 10:11:28 AM »

I feel bad about it now.

so what might you have done differently?
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« Reply #26 on: March 28, 2017, 09:17:19 PM »

so what might you have done differently?
I don't think what I did was wrong. I mean she's the one who was rude and honestly had no problem with what she was doing. But I should have blocked and ignored it.
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« Reply #27 on: March 29, 2017, 08:45:19 AM »

But I should have blocked and ignored it.

thats a mature way of dealing with difficult people  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #28 on: March 29, 2017, 09:07:09 AM »

I agree with most of the postings here about not engaging being the best strategy. Obviously we can't prevent BPD's from being who they are, or trying to convince anyone and everyone they are the one that is right. I have to laugh <sadly> thinking about my ex-- she and her chiro husband live in a $550K house, drive new mercedes sedans, just bought a mercedes winnebago, and she claims she needs child support. She is using the chiro business as a cover for her income, and honestly believes no one will ever catch her.

Yes, they are masterful liars. They also take advantage of the fact that most people really just don't care that much. ("My ex was an abusive controlling ogre." "Oh, you poor dear. Are you done checking out because I'd like to scan my groceries now... ." They need to tell everyone how unfair their life has been, and most people will passively listen-- which makes the BPD believe they are right. They are always looking to be invalidated so they can attack-- and when they don't get it they just assume they are right.

I do agree with hurting300 that there is a sense of justice that is not being served as we watch these abusive, bullying manipulators "get away with it." For myself, I am learning how to fight the good fight-- not engaging in things that don't matter, but standing up for the things that do. I wonder how other people feel about that-- for example when the BPD really does accuse you of child abuse and County Protective Services shows up at your door (and then walks away in sad recognition this is 'another one of those cases' of vindictive crazy ex's) you are forced to take action. I have read from many folks that a lot of the conflict with BPDs are nonsensical and steal your life energy away, but it does seem to me there are times when things do matter. Knowing how/when to fight for those I think is the key.
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hurting300
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1292



« Reply #29 on: March 29, 2017, 04:12:38 PM »

thats a mature way of dealing with difficult people  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
Yes but since when did defending your honor become irresponsible? And that's a serious question. I do respect and see what you're saying.
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In the eye for an eye game, he who cares least, wins. I, for one. am never stepping into the ring with someone who is impulsive and doesn't think of the downstream consequences.
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