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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: Unrealistic Expectations  (Read 418 times)
jonmnemonic
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
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« on: March 20, 2017, 03:10:05 PM »

Does anyone have experience with their BPD partner having unrealistic expectations?  I don't mean having expectations like them wanting you to call them every 5 minutes (unrealistic but physically possible).  I'm talking about them living in la la land and having expectations that are both unrealistic and impossible.  I get than anger and bitterness can come into play during the breakdown of a relationship but I also think some people with BPD live in a completely alternate reality that only makes sense to them.

My exBPDw is claiming I make significantly more money than I do (unrealistic) and is asking for alimony that is more than the amount she claims I make (impossible).  Now in all fairness she could just be really bad with math but I didn't get the impression she didn't know how to work a calculator.  Can anyone provide insight into what she might be thinking or trying to accomplish?
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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #1 on: March 20, 2017, 07:21:05 PM »

It is impossible to tell with certainty what another person might be thinking. I think a lot of times, things get complicated during the analysis. I tend to have a reason for everything I do. If somebody were to ask me why I am doing something, I usually have a good reason. With ex, he doesn't seem to have reasons for what he does. He goes with what he feels even if it is illogical. He has told me, "I don't know why I did it. It seemed like a good idea at the time."

I know my ex has unrealistic expectations of me. When I get upset because of all that I do, he seems pretty clueless. We have 4 kids together. He visits them but his visits are just that. He doesn't help with the child care at all. He will come over and help with little stuff but for the most part he has moved on and has been living his own life for the last year while I have juggled the bills, worked two jobs, and cared for 4 kids on my own. He does give me money but that is about it. He will try to talk to me or text me and act like I have nothing better to do than talk to him. He left the kids and I in a lurch and we have figured it out.

I have tried to analyze things from all angles to no avail. How could somebody NOT understand the amount of time and effort I put into what I do? How can he expect me to NOT be tired and be all smiles for him? It blows my mind. All I can chalk it up to is cluelessness and selfishness. And the fact that he lives in a dream world. Ex's reality is seriously broken. 

If it goes to court, you can show the courts how much you make and her claims will be shot down.
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Aesir
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« Reply #2 on: March 20, 2017, 08:12:46 PM »

My ex wanted a lot of things especially children and never did a thing to support what she wanted or fully commit. She expected me or her late mother to foot the bill on everything. When I personally wouldn't or couldn't she went into rages.  It was fully ok for her to sit back and let me do everything. More recently she wanted to be more independent mainly because of her own financial issues, not because she had seen the light. Trying and actually doing something isn't the same thing. She would make a display of trying to find a job thinking  it would somehow change my perspective after years of telling her she needed a work history to show potential employers.

She even found a way to blame me for her not getting jobs. What she wanted really amounted to a trap in my case. If she got pregnant she would not have worked (she didn't much before) I would have been on the hook for 18 years. She said she wouldn't have put me on child support but that didn't make sense. SHE would have had the power and I would have been helpless. The crazy thing is that she could NOT see it from my perspective and thought this arrangement would have been alright to purposely go into. Naïve.
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balletomane
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« Reply #3 on: March 21, 2017, 07:35:02 PM »

Hmm. I'm not sure. Most of the things that my ex demanded from me fall into the "highly unreasonable but technically possible" category. There was one exception that stands out in my mind. He expected me to make his suicidal thoughts and feelings stop if he turned to me for help - and he honestly seemed to believe that if I wasn't successful in making the thoughts ease off, I was hurting him deliberately and obviously wanted him to be dead.

He was more the opposite: he viewed lots of things I requested from him to be unreasonable, even though they were perfectly normal things. For example, I am physically disabled and I struggle with certain tasks in the kitchen, because of my poor co-ordination. Sometimes I need people to open tins or help me chop things when I'm cooking. Once I asked my ex to open a can for me while he was lying on his bed watching videos, and he was not only impatient, but angry. It would have taken him literally two seconds, but he refused to do it and ranted about how I need to learn to take charge of my life and I can't expect people to help me all the time (projection much?).
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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #4 on: March 21, 2017, 08:11:33 PM »

He was more the opposite: he viewed lots of things I requested from him to be unreasonable, even though they were perfectly normal things.

That was a huge one for me too. I would have to ask him to do things that I thought I shouldn't have to ask about. I am not talking about emotional stuff. I am talking about basic stuff like seeing a huge mess and cleaning it up or mowing the grass because it had gotten too tall. Or cleaning up his room when it became infested with bed bugs. I would have to ask him to do very basic things that I thought were really normal and he would get upset and tell me that I was nagging and being unreasonable. To top it off, other people would point out stuff that needs done around my house. I would make an excuse as to why I hadn't done it yet and they would say stuff like, "Um, why would you do that? Why can't he do that? What hasn't he done it?" I wouldn't have an answer because there was no good reason other than he couldn't be bothered by it. I guess he expected me to figure out how to get it all done. Or maybe if he ignored it long enough it would go away? I don't know.

I just know that the amount of stuff that he expected of me and expected me to be able to handle with a smile was way too much. There was really low point when I wasn't given a break at all. I would be soo tired from taking care of kids and trying to keep up with everything and I would ask him for help or a break or something and he would get snappy with me.
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« Reply #5 on: March 22, 2017, 05:29:15 AM »

1st ex- While in college, I was supposed to work full time and finish my undergrad in 2 1/2 years... .because she had a friend who did it in three (didn't work full time tho)  She didn't even come close to finishing herself in four years.  She ended up cheating and dumping me when she graduated.

2nd ex- wanted me to be a millionaire right out of school, graduated at the height of recession... .so no jobs.  Took my first and only fast food job post college.  She constantly compared me to her millionaire boss she worked for, telling me Imneed to be like him. She wanted more money from me constantly, said she deserved to stay home.  She cheated, possibly with him.  Eventually told me my loyalty wasn't as important to her as money.

3rd ex-i was working 50-60 hours of week doing pure manual labor.  She wanted to spend the weekends hiking/climbing mountains.  There were times I was so exhausted from the work week, I wanted to relax on my day off... .she couldn't care less.  Also wanted me to make boat loads of money to give her a stay at home mom vacation lifestyle... .but didn't want me working a lot so she's have somebody to hike/climb with on the weekends.

After those three women back to back to back... .I'm tired.  Im taking a time out, for a really, really, long time.   The only pressure and expectations I want to meet are my own.  God help the guys they ended up with.
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roberto516
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« Reply #6 on: March 22, 2017, 09:48:22 AM »

I definitely saw unrealistic expectations. But then I had to look at myself (which sucked) and realize I had unrealistic expectations. She couldn't talk about her feelings or wouldn't be able to respond right away to thoughts or feelings. And I would get upset and push if she didn't talk with me then and there. I was trying to force her to do something she wasn't capable of.

But in the beginning I had no expectations. I think when they start to push boundaries and make demands which (at least for me) I was willingly able to do there is something subconsciously that kicks in where I thought "Well if I am going to do these things for her then shouldn't she assist with my request and expectations?" It sucked to view that part about myself. But it will help in the next relationship... .if there is one .
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