BPD daughter in law... how do I best help my grandchildren?

[Depression = 72% of members]

As I read other mothers/grandmothers posts on this site, I realize I'm not alone. This is comforting and so so sad as well. What can I do to support my 3 year old granddaughter who is the light of my life? Our relationship is exceptionally close. My daughter in law seems to have a desire to allow the relationship because she loves her daughter and tries to be a good parent and sees the value of close grandparents.  And yet she has disallowed my husband and I to see her over the last year over after the (what seems to be normal and expected) blow ups. We all spent the last week in mexico together and another crisis arose... ."she only wants to be with you", "it hurts my feelings that she doesnt want to come home after staying at your house" "you spoil her" "she acts like a brat and is mean to me after shes been with you" " she doesnt want to spend time with my mom", etc. I told her how sorry I was and that I dont ever want to cause anyone to think I am trying to manipulate her or monopolize her daughter and that I would back off so they could spend more time together as a family.  How can I help my son to see his wife suffers from BPD? How can I protect my precious granddaughter? Is it best for my granddaughter that I remove myself so shes not getting punished for wanting to be with me? I need guidance please!

[grandma nikki]

As I read other mothers/grandmothers posts on this site, I realize I'm not alone. This is comforting and so so sad as well. What can I do to support my 3 year old granddaughter who is the light of my life? Our relationship is exceptionally close. My daughter in law seems to have a desire to allow the relationship because she loves her daughter and tries to be a good parent and sees the value of close grandparents.  And yet she has disallowed my husband and I to see her over the last year over after the (what seems to be normal and expected) blow ups. We all spent the last week in mexico together and another crisis arose... ."she only wants to be with you", "it hurts my feelings that she doesnt want to come home after staying at your house" "you spoil her" "she acts like a brat and is mean to me after shes been with you" " she doesnt want to spend time with my mom", etc. I told her how sorry I was and that I dont ever want to cause anyone to think I am trying to manipulate her or monopolize her daughter and that I would back off so they could spend more time together as a family.  How can I help my son to see his wife suffers from BPD? How can I protect my precious granddaughter? Is it best for my granddaughter that I remove myself so shes not getting punished for wanting to be with me? I need guidance please!

[ArleighBurke]

Stay in your daughter-in-law, sons and granddaughter's life. Please! If your daughter-in-law has BPD then your granddaughter will most likely be being raised in a non-validating home, which will greatly increase HER chances of being BPD.

For the granddaughter:
Educate her on her mothers BEHAVIOUR. 3 is quite young, so it's hard, but you can start. Tell her "mummy gets very upset sometimes", reassure her it's NOT her fault. Say "mummy is very worried alot". Say "mummy has very big emotions that she finds overwhelming/hard to handle". This *sounds* like you are making excuses for mum, which you kind of are. At this age, the daughter just needs to know that mum's behaviour is not the daughters fault. Make suer the daughter knows that she is allowed to leave if mum is raging (go to dad, go to a neighbour) - "to let mum calm down". But remember to instill respect. You are teaching your granddaughter how to manage HERSELF, which is empowering, but you can't disrespect the mum. When she is older, you can explain that mum is "highly anxious", "always worried". My daighter is 8 and she can recognise when BPD mum is having a bad day. My daighter told me recently when mum went raging that "mum is worried about X coming up, that's why she's stressed". So she can identify a rage, and knows it's not about her.

For the husband: tricky. I would suggest you focus on the behaviours, not the BPD diagnosis. For me, my wife is undiagnosed, but the techniques on this site help. So it doesn't really matter whether she's BPD or not - to enable me to work with her better, I use technqiues I've found here. Tell him that you've read stories here about similar behaviours, and it has helped you understand your daighter-in-law, and has helped you to know what she needs. Say these techniques can help you all work together.

[Notwendy]

Hi Grandma- I am a daughter of a mother with BPD. My mother disliked my father's family ( it was mutual for them ) and they were alientated from us kids when we were little. However, cute kids eventually grow into mouthy pre-teens and teens. They aren't so cute at that age. ( we love them anyway) but I tended to speak up to mom. School holidays and summers when we were home all day were a challenge for her. My father's FOO opened their doors and hearts to us. We loved the time we spent with them. I remained close to my father's family and so has the next generation. My kids are close to their cousins on that side. We are practically estranged from my mother's side of the family. They wanted little to do with us.


Is it best for my granddaughter that I remove myself so shes not getting punished for wanting to be with me?

No, it is not best for the child for you to remove yourself. She needs someone who is consistent, loving and a good role model for her in her life. However, you may need to navigate this gracefully. It would be impossible for me to quantify the good influence of my father's FOO on me- even a little bit goes a long way, and it just hasn't impacted me for the better but my children as well. As your grandchild gets older, she may stress her mother out, and so you can be a secure person for her.


How can I help my son to see his wife suffers from BPD?


I strongly suggest you keep your mouth shut about his wife. Not one word. Most likely everything you say to him will be reported to her. Learn about the drama triangle. People are closest when bonded against a common "enemy". He will get approval from her for reporting you to her. She will see herself as a victim. He will rescue her from you and the two of them will likely cut you off.

Why do I say this? It doesn't seem believable that your son would do this to his own mother. I didn't believe it either, but it happened to me. My mother listened in on every phone call I made to my father at home, read my e mails and letters. I thought I had a relationship with him but they were so enmeshed that they were one person. In his elder years, he got ill. I expressed concern for him. This cost me my relationship with him.

It was then that a relative on his side shared that after he married my mother, he rarely saw his mother. Sadly, his FOO didn't see us much when we were little. Although it was my mother who put my father in the position to choose between her, his own mother, and eventually his own daughter- it was my father who made this choice.

I had to accept that. Your son made this choice. IMHO the best thing you can do is step out of this. It is a mother's tendency to protect their child, no matter how old, but by doing so, you risk stepping on to the drama triangle with them. It was my instinct to help my father when he was old, but what I was really doing was stepping into the drama triangle as a rescuer, and that caused more drama.


How can I protect my precious granddaughter?

That is actually up to her parents. Of course, if you suspect abuse, call authorities to intervene. Be there for her if her parents need a break. You may find this happening as she gets older and demonstrates a mind of her own. She may also seek you out on her own as she gets older.

Learn about being non reactive to the drama of a BPD relationship. Learn the tools on this board for dealing with pwBPD. Be loving, supportive, and not emotionally reactive. Keep your door open for her.

[Fie]

Hello Grandma Nikki 

I have a mum who has BPD.
My maternal grandparents were my safeheaven as a kid. When my parents traveled together, I could go there. My grandma loved me and behaved normal.
After such long visits, you might be guessing it, I didn't want to go home. I did not recognize my parents one time, and I kept screaming in the car on the way home, that I wanted my grandma. My mum was very upset and I have heard this story time and time again during my childhood. It was all about my mum and she  behaved as if I should be feeling guilty about it all.

When I was about 10 my mum decided she was too jealous to keep allowing sleepovers at grandma's. She also let my father tell my grandma to not call me anymore, because it was too 'painful' for her.

I did not know it was my mum who forbid the sleepovers. I remember how I felt when my mum told me I could not go to my grandparents anymore. She told me it was because my grandparents were getting older and could not handle me anymore. I loved my grandma very much and I felt abandoned. That day the world got an even sadder place than it already was at that time. I felt lost and sad.

I never knew the truth about it all until some days before my grandma died, and she told me. I was 37 at that time, it was last summer.

Please for the sake of your grandchild, try to stay in her life.
I also want to echo what ArleighBurke said about being honest to your grandchild. I realize that this is very difficult. The father of my child probably has autism, and she used to ask a lot of questions about his behavior. She used to think it was her fault.
I tried to explain, in an age appropriate manner, that her dad has something 'not wired correctly in his brain', which makes him do (or not do) certain things, but that it was not her fault. And that he loved her. It sounded so harsh, but I just had to do that, for her sake. Since than, her anger and guilt has subsided, and their relationship has gotten better too. She just accepts that he's like that, and that it has nothing to do with her.

Let us know what you think, if you want !
xx