Welcome Beck3733: I'm so sorry for what you are going through. It's a lot to handle To lose your mom in the middle of all of this had to be devastating, I'm so sorry. My mom passed a couple of years ago. She entered the hospital and then spent the last 6 months of life between hospital stays and skilled nursing facilities. I can understand how difficult it must have been for you. Then to have the problems with your partner as well.
My emotions are such a mess and I just wonder if anybody has any validation or advice? I try to read the books but I can't stop my mind from thinking that I'm reading the opposing team's playbook, in a weird way. And, when my anxiety gets this high... .I almost can't function at all. It's like a self fulfilling prophecy.
People say to use the anxiety or pain to get busy and get done and move on but I shut down. I'm not a fighter.
I'm just not the person who he has made me out to be, but I don't feel like I can convince anybody of that and really, the only ones I care about are my kids.
What books are you reading? Do you have some healthy things you do to self-soothe? Perhaps some meditation, mindfulness, exercise, breathing exercise, etc. I struggle with anxiety myself, so I know how it can make things more difficult if it isn't tamed. I found a great free phone app for mindfulness and meditation. It can help to have some relaxation tools on your phone.
Are you still in therapy? Is your therapist helping you with ideas to curb your anxiety?
He called me screaming something incomprehensible about naked band director photos and told me he was leaving me forever.
Was the email exchange with the band leader just texting, or did it involve sexting? I'm thinking you are indicating it was his imagination going wild, but though I'd check my understanding.
And to this day, he is convinced that I am the one with Borderline. He then told me that he and his therapists had worked very hard and that his diagnosis of borderline had been "rescinded" but that he (and apparently his therapists) was convinced that I had diagnosed Borderline and that I was not getting the right therapy
It is common for pwBPD to project things onto their partner and say that the partner has BPD
We have mediation at the end of this month and I'm sitting here really too sad for words.
I miss our family and who I thought he was.
Do you have someone to offer you support, perhaps a family member or friend?
I'm thinking that you have a lawyer? One thing to expect is that your husband is using negotiation tactics. He is either asking for a lot more from you, or indicating he will agree to give you a lot less (depending on the situation). A high conflict person won't start with the offer he might be willing to settle with.
He has read the book Splitting and has caused the most high conflict divorce I could imagine.
If you haven't read the same book, you might want to do so. I believe you are referring to the book: "Splitting: Protecting yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or a Narcissist" by William A. ("Bill" Eddy, Esq. He, also has books entitled: "BIFF" and then one called "High Conflict People in Legal Disputes". His books are available in Kindle form.
You might be interested in an article on this website about the
BIFF RESPONSE My husband always had huge issues about his relationship with his father and he has used this to pull our son in so close and our son truly hates me and blames me for everything and doesn't even want a relationship with me and I can't even get him to tell me why. It's like I'm so evil I don't deserve an excuse.
Your partner has likely painted you black to your son, so your son blames you. Your son is 21, so I'm thinking he lives on his own. How about your daughter, where is she living?  :)oes she graduate high school this year?
He broke a door down once when I used a therapy technique to stop a conversation appropriately.
Do you remember what therapy technique it was?
It can be helpful for you to use certain communication skills. The two lessons below can be helpful for you to avoid arguments and drama. At the end of the article on the Karpman Drama Triangle, there is information about healthy communication triangles.
KARPMAN DRAMA TRIANGLEAVOIDING CIRCULAR ARGUMENTSWe have a Family Law, Divorce & Custody board here. If you have some specific legal questions, or want support for facing your mediation, you might want to make a post there.
If you click on the green words above, it will take you to an associated lesson. If you go to the wide green banner at the very top of the page, you will find additional lessons within the "tools menu". At the bottom of the Tools menu, there is a link to Workshop Section. Let us know how we can help further.