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Author Topic: No cheating, insane jealousy and random thoughts on NC  (Read 371 times)
Crushedbyac

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« on: March 20, 2017, 09:35:12 PM »

Feeling melancholy, pensive today. Noodling things past and also in context to all I have read here, where it makes some sense out of non sense, as much as it can,  I guess.  Still in infancy of committed NC (by me, just over a week) but think about him all the time.  Some,  just wondering how he is doing, but mostly, what is his frame of mind today? Is he in a bad place today and what could that mean for me,  should I be anticipating... .?  Anxiety is definately reduced but a blinking cell phone still has me taking a breath before checking.  I want to not think about it so much,  but I know it's a function of time.

I'm wondering about all I've read about cheating being almost a given.  As far as i know,  i don't believe he ever cheated. But he accused me alot, thinking about that now makes me start to question that belief, although I have reason to think it. For him it was although his attachment was beyond excessive.  Always wanted more and more (we didn't live together), no level of attention was enough and we were in constant contact,  so there was little un accounted for time from him.  And honestly from me,  but not if you asked him,  I was always "missing", which means I didn't respond to a text in less than 5 minutes, which means I'm with another man,  of course. His jealousy was insane. From demands that I not let Co workers in my office or go to lunch with them (I work with men, so kkind of impossible,  to the 20 year old cashier (I'm 50) at a random grocery store ("i saw that look,  did you f- him too". Fantastic leaps of connection to real, minute, and very unconnected details but he would stitch together the most awful accusations and lies, beyond imagination,  and I would ignorantly spend days trying to discuss with reason or "prove" it wasn't true (impossible in any way). In the end,  the jealousy and delusions were so bad there was nothing I did that wasnt 'suspicious", including using the bathroom or writing a grocery list.  It was horrible.  Anyway, I haven't read much on others where this occurs rather than cheating.  It seems like polar extremes,  but still the somehow the same, with the jealousy.

Another thing I have being thinking about was something I read about NC when it's related to a 'discard'. The writer stated (paraphrasing) that they were (understandably) hurt that the xBPD hadn't made any effort to check in on them;  that they struggled with the feeling,  actions, that after the past time together,  love they had shared,  that the xBPD could just stop caring. How could they do that if they had cared about them ever?   Well,  my thoughts have been similar,  but I'm the one that put NC in effect.  I think it must feel the same for my xBPD.  After all he apologized and sent flowers even,  so every thing must be Ok now.  How Could I just stop caring?  Besides it was mostly just 'her' (me) over reacting,  again. He doesn't see he did anything wrong or awful (it was beyond awful what caused NC). So in his mind,  I'm sure he is equally confused and hurt by the NC.  That makes me sad a bit,  because I don't like the idea of hurting anyone, especially when they aren't capable of 'getting it'. I don't wish anything bad for him, i still care, too much. I don't want him to be hurt,  just to leave me alone.   But,  I know the NC is necessary for me,  and that is what matters.

Sorry for rambling, thanks for the opportunity to think of loud!
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Crushedbyac

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« Reply #1 on: March 21, 2017, 08:25:11 PM »

so a week and a half NC (on my part).  On his end, flowers, a cryptic symbolized card and now an email (none responded to by me).  Couldnt help but see the stupid email in preview before deleting, and I did delete.  Really upsets me but mostly makes me very angry. "Miss you, things have changed".  Thats it.  Not even a sorry or any words of remorse or acceptance for the awful awful things he said and the way he behaved toward me. Does he honestly think that 2 cryptic messages are going make me say, "oh ok, Ill break the NC now... ."? Or that a week and a half is enough time to resolve that? Are you kidding me?  He just acts like it was a little tiff thats blown over?  And for all I know hes still likely under the assumption that his accusations are still accurate, since he didnt even mention that.  Especially since the email was attached to our last email exchange that included a THREAT about the false accusations! (just happened to simply use to respond... .ya right. I know its all part of the disorder package and I shouldnt and dont, really expect anything different, but I cant help still wanting it, some kind of recognition or apology, just a little.  Oh and all this after telling me "You will never hear from me again, unless you need me, Ill be here for you... ."     I want to respond, "Please, for the love of God, just leave me alone!", but Im not going to let him suck me back in, I cant. :'(
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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #2 on: March 21, 2017, 08:47:12 PM »

I'm wondering about all I've read about cheating being almost a given.

I don't think cheating with another person is a given. There are a lot of different ways a person can avoid intimacy without actually cheating. Long before things got to the point of actual cheating, he would bury himself in porn or his computer games or something else. I knew he wasn't cheating in those days. However, there were times when I felt like it would have been better if he had actually cheated because then I might have reason to feel the way I did. At the end of the day, he was avoiding intimacy with me (physical and emotional).

Excerpt
In the end,  the jealousy and delusions were so bad there was nothing I did that wasnt 'suspicious", including using the bathroom or writing a grocery list.  It was horrible.  Anyway, I haven't read much on others where this occurs rather than cheating.  It seems like polar extremes,  but still the somehow the same, with the jealousy.

At the end, ex had become very paranoid and very suspicious. The biggest mind mess was the fact that he did NOT get jealous over me being with other men. He encouraged it and wanted it to happen and would ask for details. No jealousy there at all. Let me talk on the phone to my mom and he would get weird. Let me try to have a private conversation with my kids and he would barge in and want to know what we were talking about. He couldn't hear us when we spoke directly to us yet he could hear us if we even breathed his name in the next room. It was the most bizarre thing ever to have him get jealous of my time with the kids or family or friends yet get excited over me being with another man. When I write that out, it makes me feel completely and utterly disgusted.

Excerpt
How could they do that if they had cared about them ever?  
----------
 How Could I just stop caring?

I know I was really hurt that ex didn't call to check on me or the kids after I kicked him out. I think he was so busy worrying about himself and licking his own wounds that he couldn't be bothered to check on us.

I didn't stop caring. I would ask the kids if they heard from their dad and if he was okay. I snuck around and called his mom to check on him a time or two. I know that I can't show him that I care. Not because I am trying to be mean or hurt him, but because I have to protect myself. When I show care or concern for him, he seems to see that as me still wanting him or something. I don't know what he is thinking or feeling and I have become tired of trying to guess. Sometimes, the most caring thing you can do is to let them figure things out for themselves. I know ex isn't going to figure out anything as long as he thinks he can still rely on me.
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Crushedbyac

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« Reply #3 on: March 21, 2017, 09:04:09 PM »

VOC, Im sorry for your pain.    and I agree, I cant let him rely on me, especially to be his punching bag just because Im the closest target.  I wasnt saying that I stopped caring, I havent. I was relating that is what he probably feels 'discarded' because he is not capable of seeing that it was his own doing that brought it all down.  I was trying to say (I guess poorly) that its likely the NC I am committed to makes him feel like the discarded one even though I gave him so, so many 'second chances' and recycles, but that is all forgotten, unappreciated.  Like I said, thinking out loud, trying to get thoughts straight and out of my head.  sometimes not fully successful, .
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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #4 on: March 21, 2017, 11:06:35 PM »

I was relating that is what he probably feels 'discarded' because he is not capable of seeing that it was his own doing that brought it all down.  I was trying to say (I guess poorly) that its likely the NC I am committed to makes him feel like the discarded one even though I gave him so, so many 'second chances' and recycles, but that is all forgotten, unappreciated.  Like I said, thinking out loud, trying to get thoughts straight and out of my head.  sometimes not fully successful, .

Your communication was fine.

I did ask myself the question of how I could stop caring because it felt to me like cutting him off was doing to him what he did to me. I was afraid of hurting him. I was afraid that he would feel rejected. I know how horrible it feels to be rejected and discarded. The pain of doing that to him was horrible for me. I realize that I was projecting how I would likely feel if the tables were turned. If somebody kicked me out like I kicked him out, I would be completely and utterly devastated. He was so devastated by being kicked out that he found the love of his life within a couple of weeks. (That didn't last long though.)

The truth as I see it now is that if he had truly cared about me or his kids he would have made a lot more effort and wouldn't have had to ask for so many second chances. He rejected me in a lot of ways over the years and I kept sticking around for more. I feel like ex is more surprised that I didn't back down when the final straw broke and I kicked him out. It is amazing how ex will sometimes say that he misses me and the kids like nothing ever happened. I feel like, if he was really hurting or had really changed, his behavior would be very, very different. It is ridiculous that he hasn't really done anything majorly different in the last year yet expects me to believe that he has somehow changed. That was a recurring theme over the years, "This time is different. I have really changed. I woke up." After so many times of that, the words become meaningless.

There are times when it feels impossible to get these thoughts out because none of it makes sense. When things do start to make sense, I will think of something else or read another perspective and start wondering again.
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Crushedbyac

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Posts: 45


« Reply #5 on: March 22, 2017, 07:40:38 AM »

Yes, well spoken.  I feel the same, that its just cruel and he doesnt understand at all, like a child wouldnt.  I dont want to hurt him, but I have to keep reminding myself that that Im taking care of me now, not the bottomless pit that he was in the end.  Im still learning about all of this, so him acting like each awful thing never happened or treating it like they were minor arguments is beyond baffling and frustrating when I think about it.  I wonder, do they really not know, or are they just pretending hoping I will go along?  <sigh>
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« Reply #6 on: March 22, 2017, 08:55:54 AM »

I ask myself the same question, do they really really believe things never really happened? Or some heartbreaking soul destroying things done and said were as you said " minor arguments. Is it their own part in it they don't remember or all of it.
So so confusing. When I eventually and ages ago told my partner rightly or wrongly that you was exhibiting traits of full blown BPD and to get treatment , did he secretly go and look it up? I wouldn't know and he's never mentioned it. Apparently I've got a screw loose somewhere ! Even when it's been really bad and I have said " well if I am all of those bad things why are you here with me"? I would usually get a reply on the lines of " I don't know, I ask myself the same question' by the way, what's for dinner" . Confusing and upsetting beyond comprehension.
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Never let someone be your priority whilst you remain their option
Crushedbyac

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« Reply #7 on: March 22, 2017, 09:15:20 AM »

My ex seems to have no problem "remembering" that I "was crazy and over-reacting", but never seemed to mention his part except vaguely apologizing.  He could, and often did recite things I said "to remind me how mean and ___y" i was, but if I asked about his part he would just bluster and say he already apologized (never really did) and that "this discussion is over!"  It was my conclusion that he actually didnt remember what he did or said in a rage, and of course he always denied it.  Was that lying or not remembering?  I think it may be harder to accept if its straight out lying, because that is purposeful and cruel, but I know I will probably never know which.
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