How to proceed?

[Downandout1]

After and exhaustive amount of research, I came across the idea of BPD and everything is really starting to click for me. In a sense, I almost feel validated. There had to be some explanation for the way I am being treated. I started questioning myself--am I really to blame? Am I the cause of all of her problems in life? Do I bring her down? I felt as though any objective third-party could look at the situation and confirm everything I've been thinking and feeling, but she's what I would consider to be high-functioning in the sense that every insult, mocking tone, and belittling conversation happens behind closed doors and nobody would believe that the things she says to me actually came out of her mouth. It's terrifying. The wrong tone, facial expression, and reaction from me can cause an outburst. Many times, things out or my control (and hers) will cause an issue and I have to bend over backwards to avoid a confrontation .

 I'm mentally fatigued and I don't know what to do. She threatens to break up (and has on a few occasions) whenever she goes off the rails. When this happens, I feel like I've been cold clocked and I don't know which way is up. I'm afraid that I've set the precedent that treating me this way is ok. I'm a natural conflict defuser, so I'm always doing what I can to appease her. I always admit blame and fault, even when I do not agree with it. My opinion doesn't matter. It's her way or the highway. I'm so incredibly tired of giving so much, and receiving so little in return. I'm  now feeling isolated from my family and friends because I'm so focused on making sure her needs come out on top. I made major sacrifices for this woman. I did it because I loved her so much. But I've been pushed to the brink. I don't know if I can do it anymore.

I want to make a last ditch effort to set some serious boundaries. Does anyone know how I can go about this delicately? I'm very confident that the threat of breakup and extremely hurtful (even unforgivable) beratement will begin shortly after I lay things out. Am I fighting a losing battle?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[daverisk]

I hear your pain and understand the mental fatigue and questioning your own sanity.  What I am coming to understand about setting boundaries is that the boundaries are for me and my own mental health rather than borders for my SO... .you'll find some good advice on this board from time to time... .not from me, I'm too new and still in pain from all this... .but there is good advice here... .welcome to the board... .good luck... .I'm here to listen... .

[Mutt]

Hi Downandout1, 



I'd like to join daverisk and welcome you to the family. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a difficult time. With third party in mind, it's a good idea to talk to others that are just like you to give you feedback that's more realistic then a pwBPD because it's mostly negative and unrealistic. I can relate with that mental fatigue and feeling I'm the only to blame for all of the issues in the r/s and I'm here to tell you that you're not to blame for all of the problems, a r/s takes two people, your pwBPD owns half, BPD is a persecution complex and a pwBPD blames others and the world for their problems, that's the nature of the disorder.

I'm  now feeling isolated from my family and friends because I'm so focused on making sure her needs come out on top.

You don't need to carry all of the weight on your shoulders, we're here to help. Spending time with family and friends is a good idea, part of it ties into getting realistic feedback, setting boundaries is a good idea, what did you have in mind? Is there conflict when you want to spend time with family and friends, you could start by setting a boundary there?

Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits

[mecalecalec]

you are not alone and I am with you.  My spouse has had me cut out my parents and brothers from my support group because she felt I turned them all against her (she doesn't understand that what she said to my dad was interpreted as a threat and made him upset).  so my support group is here. period.

does it get better? we get better but I have not seen where the spouse gets better. 

and I also try to own all of the difficulties in our marriage, but for me that is codependency.  I don't call the police when I should.  I go back when I know I shouldn't.  I agree to what I know to be wrong. 

I am so disappointed in myself!  why don't I have a backbone? why do I keep going back?

[abraxus]

I'll be brief on the sympathies, and go straight to the crux of matter, which is how to try and resolve things, and get them back on your terms.

I'll start by saying that this is just my opinion, based on my own experiences, and so make of it what you will, as no two people are the same, and so I have to generalise.

It seems that your problem is that you have set poor precedent, and now you need to reverse it. This is difficult, if not impossible, in any relationship. Think of it this way. If you're in a relationship with a regular girl, and she comes to find you too weak, appeasing or accommodating for her tastes, then she'll give things a go but, when it gets too much for her she'll leave. By then she's a formed an opinion about you that's never likely to change, and so you get no second chance.

Weirdly though, for certain bigger picture things, many BPD women have the memory of a guppy and so, whatever perception she may have about you now, can be completely reshaped if you do it right. The problem is that you have to flip the reset switch, and that's difficult to do in situ, without some kind of break or separation. If you try to set boundaries now, especially delicately, she may flip, or she may not believe you'll carry them through, as she knows you too well, and if you back down an inch then you're toast, and back to square one. The other problem is, that if you change overnight, she can then start wildly accusing you of suddenly turning into an unreasonable monster, as that is how it will seem to her.

Basically you need her to see you as a new man, and for her to accept those changes and start again with this new person, and that means giving her some distance from the old one. If you went through the idealisation stage, where she oncesaw you as the man of her dreams, then you have an edge, as that's what she once thought was possible, and so now you have to show it can be a reality.

At this point you have a couple of options, which really only you can decide, as you know her best. Option one is both the riskiest and the strongest, and is that you pre-empt the split and break up with her first; and option two is to calmly agree with her if she suggests it. At the very least either will surprise her, and will start to paint the picture of strength. I wouldn't go no contact but, as hard as it may seem, you need to let her come to you. If she does, then at that point you can set out your boundaries, but personally I wouldn't be overly delicate about it. Nor would I would be rude or demanding, just reasonable and assertive.

The upside is that you're getting a second bite at a cherry, and an opportunity to wipe the slate clean, that you simply wouldn't get with a regular woman. The downside is that if you can present yourself in a stronger light, then you'll have to maintain it forever, and never revert to your former self.

The last part is most important, as ultimately you may not want to do that, as it can be incredibly tedious if it's really not you. My guess is that you won't want to, or simply can't, and so the best option in the long run may be just to cut your losses.

[stayingsteady]

Hi Downandout1,

I'd like to join everyone in welcoming you to the family.  There are a lot of really good people here and a strong desire from each of us to help and support one another through difficult times.  Many of us have very similar experiences in one way or another.  When reading your entry, your statements resonated with me and my experiences.

My significant other is also very high functioning and operates "covertly" which lead me to the same type of thought patterns you have experienced.  I also made significant sacrifices and received little in return.  I also deeply love my significant other.

One of the things I had to come to terms with was the idea of "love".  We often misconstrue love as a feeling we receive, but I fully believe it's much more than that.  I believe love is a longing desire that the best overall outcome occurs for the one you care about.  Sometimes this means we have to deal with heartache or pain so the one we love may have a better opportunity to live a more fruitful life.  I think this may be true in this particular situation. 

It seems you understand boundaries are the way to go, but are extremely scared due to past experiences.  I have definitely been there and have felt the same way.  However, boundaries are the best way to go, and yes, they will increase the chance an escalated behavior will occur.  It may even result in a threatened or actual break up.

However, without the use of boundaries things will continually get worse.  This could eventually result in physical violence against you, protection orders against you, distortion campaigns against you, and etc... .  In addition, without someone in your significant other's life who's strong enough to take the risk, the one you love may never have a chance to truly live a fruitful life because she will continuously use these tactics (manipulation, push-pull, casting blame, berating statements) to feel safe and rely on them to provide her a better self image.

You also asked if there are ways this could be done delicately.  There definitely are.  Two of the best ways to do so are through reinforcement of good behavior and validation.  Both these concepts are explained on Lesson 2 "Tools: communication validation, and reinforcement of good behavior".  This at the side bar at the right.

I'm not sure how the relationship has affected you as a person to this point, but I do know mine had some significant effects on me.  It is taking time to identify all the distorted beliefs about myself I have needed to correct, but by finding these items I'm becoming a more complete person.  I wanted to share these items with you in hopes that you may identify with some of them early on which could allow for a quicker remedy:

1.  A distorted belief of fault.  In my particular situation, I had developed a belief that I was responsible, to some level of degree, for any action performed by my significant other.  I've come to realize that we are both independently responsible for our own actions.  For example, if I used the wrong tone of voice with my wife and she began yelling at me, we both had faults, but both were completely exclusive.  I was completely at fault for using the wrong tone and my wife was completely at fault for yelling at me.  I was not at fault for her yelling at me and she was not at fault for me using the wrong tone.

2.  A distorted belief that nothing I do is ever good enough.  This belief began establishing while I tried to continually improve myself to meet my wife's ever increasing requirements of what is "good enough".  Unfortunately, very few things were ever good enough, so I began questioning every thought or action I did throughout my days.  This eventually spilled over to my every day life and I began questioning every action I did not just with my wife, but with family, friends, and co-workers as well.  Once I identified this as the root cause as to why I questioned the "goodness" of every action, I was able to begin remedying it.

Hopefully some of this information can help you in some way or another.

Hoping for the best for you and for those you love,

- Staying Steady

[butterflylove]

I feel you. You're not alone.

[butterflylove]

you are not alone and I am with you.  My spouse has had me cut out my parents and brothers from my support group because she felt I turned them all against her (she doesn't understand that what she said to my dad was interpreted as a threat and made him upset).  so my support group is here. period.

does it get better? we get better but I have not seen where the spouse gets better. 

and I also try to own all of the difficulties in our marriage, but for me that is codependency.  I don't call the police when I should.  I go back when I know I shouldn't.  I agree to what I know to be wrong. 


I feel you. I should have called the police so many times, too, and also went back too many times.

I am so disappointed in myself!  why don't I have a backbone? why do I keep going back?