Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 19, 2024, 09:00:26 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
222
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Sympathy card  (Read 799 times)
IamGrey

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 39


« on: March 21, 2017, 04:42:38 PM »

I'm several months NC with my ex and found out her mother had sadly passed away some time ago. I'm now more ravaged with guilt than ever and wished I hadn't been told TBH, but I can't change that.

Now that I do know, I'm debating whether to post a simple sympathy card.  Her mom was very good to me and I felt awful blocking her and the rest of her family on social media.

Any other ex I would have done this without a second though - but here I am wanting to do the right thing and having no idea what that is?
Logged
Naughty Nibbler
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 1727



« Reply #1 on: March 21, 2017, 10:12:54 PM »

Why do you feel guilty?  It might be helpful to review the pros and cons of contacting your ex or her family.  Will it bring on a new round of detaching and wondering?

One option if you are thinking of her mother and know the cause of death or her favorite charity, is to make a memorial donation in her name.  You don't have to share it with the family, but it could be a way to pay your respect. 

Logged
Happy1
***
Offline Offline

Posts: 116


« Reply #2 on: March 22, 2017, 12:23:26 PM »

I did this about 15 yrs ago with my exuBPD. It did trigger a recycle attempt on her part. She'd send me xmas cards each of the two following years, which I never read and just threw in the trash. If it's over in your head, it's over. If you did care about her mother and you'd like for her to know that, there's nothing wrong or abnormal about sending your sympathies.

The question is, how do you feel about this person (the BPD)? If you feel you're still vulnerable to a recycle attempt, then I would say, ":)on't send anything."
Logged
alwayswrong4

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 23


« Reply #3 on: March 22, 2017, 12:58:20 PM »

i was in a similar situation with my ex. Her mom died a little over two months after we broke up. However she called me and everyone in my family. I offered my sympathy but it turned into arguing after just a few minutes of talking and i had to hang up on her.

If i were you i wouldnt call or text her. BPDs love to abuse people emotionally under the guise of sympathy. She'll use this situation to take an emotional dump on you. It's the perfect situation for her, she can abuse you and you're not allowed to stick up for yourself because she's the one who is hurting. She projected abandonment on me both times i talked to her after her mother died. Neither situations I initiated, it left me feeling like crap. I wish I had never answered her call when she reached out to tell me.
Logged
Dutched
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 494


« Reply #4 on: March 22, 2017, 05:43:29 PM »

As others replied.
Sending a card to ex could be a trigger.
Could be a green card to contact you.
Could cause you an emotional set back.

However I also understand that you valued contact with family of ex and in fact ended contact due to breaking up as a way to protect yourself.
So besides reluctance of the possible outcome (which is of course yours to decide) I see a person with values and empathy who wants to show sympathy for the great loss others experienced.

And with that is nothing wrong on the contrary.

A suggestion might be to sent a card to ‘the family’, not to ex, not to a specific person
Logged

For years someone I loved once gave me boxes full of darkness.
It made me sad, it made me cry.
It took me long to understand that these were the most wonderful gifts.
It was all she had to give
Rayban
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 502


« Reply #5 on: March 22, 2017, 07:48:40 PM »

I like the anonymous donation idea stated earlier.  Maybe a prayer for her?
Logged
hopealways
aka moving4ward
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 725


« Reply #6 on: March 22, 2017, 07:55:39 PM »

Any feeling you have for her mother are between you and her mother's spirit, so talk to the spirit, you don't need to publicize this all it does is validate you and trigger her.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!