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Author Topic: How come there is no closure?  (Read 473 times)
ShadowA
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« on: March 21, 2017, 05:26:11 PM »

it's been 3 months since we broke

2 months of no contact.


I've never gotten any word from her on anything regarding this. Only from others saying we were on-off. Then at another point saying i was a creep?


I figured 2 months later maybe she could give me some truth or perspective on things from her side. So I messaged her after 2 months asking her side, and if i'm being intrusive please let me know and I'll leave her alone. She came on a chat service we use to talk on . I was finally hoping for some closure for myself.  Well, I tried talking to her on it... .

-no response-.
-She signs off-

I was like okay, well maybe nerves at least she tried.
Told her that by e-mail.

-comes back on-
-1 hour later no replying-
-signs off-

?

Hmm weird. Well maybe she just needs some time and is nervous. I'm grateful she's at least trying...

*next day*

I'm deleted and blocked in more areas. She never even said a word to me, not even leave me alone or i was being intrusive.


Is this how BPD people are? Can't give any closure what so ever?
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hopealways
aka moving4ward
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #1 on: March 21, 2017, 05:31:06 PM »

NOPE they cannot.
Closure to the BPD is the ULTIMATE fear.
With closure it means they have lost you forever, it triggers their sense of abandonment.
Closure means also that they have to find a replacement, and that's not always easy.
So to answer your question no, they dread closure and avoid it even though they disappear.
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ShadowA
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #2 on: March 21, 2017, 05:33:27 PM »

NOPE they cannot.
Closure to the BPD is the ULTIMATE fear.
With closure it means they have lost you forever, it triggers their sense of abandonment.
Closure means also that they have to find a replacement, and that's not always easy.
So to answer your question no, they dread closure and avoid it even though they disappear.

Is blocking, deleting, changing phone numbers not closing off?
Or is it just a way to hurt me further?
I honestly don't understand why she herself directly can't say please leave me alone?
Or why she herself can't say, hey I just want something else?
Or anything?

I literally got nothing, I've known this chick since childhood and this is how she ends things. Zip, Nada, Nuffin.


I guess what I'm asking is. How come they can't give you any closure from their own words? Do they not see things as closing you off as closure themselves?

I guess what I'm saying is, it seems contradictory to not say anything on 'why' to help me with closure, but doing actions to cut me out completely
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roberto516
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« Reply #3 on: March 21, 2017, 05:35:11 PM »

Someone with those traits can't do it. They just aren't able. It seems so callous and mean, but in reality it's all they can do. Because they aren't in tune with their emotions or anything. And to verbalize those emotions would be impossible. I say it would be like trying to explain to a blind man what a color looks like. It's not possible. The closure comes from you. Just like when a loved one passes away. Many times there is no closure. But we learn to grow and cope. It's harder. Trust me I know. But it's the only choice we have.
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“Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart. The really great men must, I think, have great sadness on earth.”
hopealways
aka moving4ward
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« Reply #4 on: March 21, 2017, 05:35:41 PM »

Is blocking, deleting, changing phone numbers not closing off?
Or is it just a way to hurt me further?
I honestly don't understand why she herself directly can't say please leave me alone?
Or why she herself can't say, hey I just want something else?
Or anything?

I literally got nothing, I've known this chick since childhood and this is how she ends things. Zip, Nada, Nuffin.
They are emotionally arrested. Think of her as a 5 year old girl emotionally inside an adult body.
Don't try to think about it, it will get you nowhere.
They rarely say don't call me, and never mean it.
The BPD always wants a door open so they can come back whenever THEY NEED TO.
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ShadowA
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Posts: 123


« Reply #5 on: March 21, 2017, 05:42:15 PM »

They are emotionally arrested. Think of her as a 5 year old girl emotionally inside an adult body.
Don't try to think about it, it will get you nowhere.
They rarely say don't call me, and never mean it.
The BPD always wants a door open so they can come back whenever THEY NEED TO.

Seems like she is closing the doors more, no?
I guess I just don't understand.
I try too, but... .
Everything always seems contradictory and confusing.
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cubicinch
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« Reply #6 on: March 21, 2017, 05:48:23 PM »

I think you are just going to have to accept that the silence means closure to you; move on, put her behind you. They can't face up to things like this, so silence is the easiest option, and she is just keeping you hanging on to feed her need. Respect yourself and rise above it.
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bunny4523
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« Reply #7 on: March 21, 2017, 05:52:19 PM »


I guess what I'm asking is. How come they can't give you any closure from their own words?

I know it's hard to understand because our brains don't work the same.  They have a false sense of reality and explaining themselves would challenge this reality that they need to believe to survive.  The other piece I found was my ex didn't do anything to HURT me... .he did it to PROTECT himself.  He truely believed he was responding and protecting himself from a threat... .me.

My ex needs to believe I'm the bad guy.  I work with him so I actually see the different faces he wears.  I can see when he is struggling to believe the lies.  When he seems to start thinking that maybe I"m not so bad afterall, he goes bananas.  He loses it.  It's like it's dangerous for him.

I know it doesn't make sense... .it's not supposed to.  That is the nature of the disorder.  My advice to you is try not to question why she does what she does until after you have decided you don't want her anymore and are moving on.  Once you start healing and there is distance between you, maybe then you can start studying and answer some of those questions... .if you still feel like it.   I came to the conclusion that I would rather just keep moving forward, I didn't want to waste anymore energy thinking about what he was thinking.  

I still see him so I have to understand the disorder a little bit but for the most part... .keeping my distance from him results in the best outcome for all of those involved... .

Bunny
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ShadowA
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 123


« Reply #8 on: March 21, 2017, 05:59:10 PM »

I think you are just going to have to accept that the silence means closure to you; move on, put her behind you. They can't face up to things like this, so silence is the easiest option, and she is just keeping you hanging on to feed her need. Respect yourself and rise above it.

Well, yeah I'm forced that fact regardless.
Why did she even humor me to actually come on only to not say anything?
It just weirds me out how easily I'm discarded.
If i'm really such a bad guy, you would think they would at least say leave me alone right?
It's just bizarre behavior to me.

For some reason I can't get the image out of my head of a kid flushed with anxiety and nerves and running behind furniture. Knowing they did something bad but fearing to be scolded.
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cubicinch
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Posts: 148


« Reply #9 on: March 21, 2017, 06:07:57 PM »

my ex gfwBPD never did explain herself, why she no longer wanted me in her life... when I attempted to phone her to discuss where it was going, she just made more trouble and like it was my fault again, so I never got to hear, but she did send a text saying she would post on my personal belonging left at her house and then we were both free to date again and it would end communications. So just like that, I meant nothing to her, or so it would seem, but sending me messages about things like that, trying to hurt my feelings even more, digging for responses...   not normal behaviour. And she never has posted my item like she promised... again leaving the door open for me to fall into contacting again, proving to herself that she still has that little bit of power over me. I don't want it, she can keep it.
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ShadowA
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 123


« Reply #10 on: March 21, 2017, 08:15:50 PM »

screw it. BPD people are just a waste of time and energy.
I double downed on letting her know she needs help.

I'm done with this bullcrap.
I wasted too much time on it, fk it.
People with BPD is the worst.
I never want to deal with another person with BPD again.

It's the most volatile bullcrap I've ever been in.
I've NEVER Had a relationship as volatile as this.
It literally is like being in a relationship with a child.
There is no being adults about it.

It's so frustrating.
I don't even want to hear from her again.
I was hoping that all the time we had meant something, but nope!.
It's all just a big scam. fk her.
I don't need someone in my life who can't even give me closure.
She has issues and needs severe help.

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ShadowA
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 123


« Reply #11 on: March 21, 2017, 10:44:50 PM »

Got my closure.
It wasn't direct closure either.
Was through a friend of mine.

She says we haven't talked for years.
That I have a mental problem.
That she gave me closure years ago.

I literally have proof of her saying she loved me months ago.

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ShadowA
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 123


« Reply #12 on: March 21, 2017, 11:10:14 PM »

To go further in it.
She swapped positions of me and her.
Said I'm the one who always wanted more.
That we couldn't be friends because of that.


Btw, I'm the one who said platonic friend route is where we should go.

I hate BPD
I literally feel like i'm going crazy trying to understand her way of thinking.
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