Totally confused

[Confused cloud]

Hi everyone, I've been reading the boards for the past few months ever since I found out my now ex, has BPD. She was diagnosed during our relationship, although we had broken up and got back together before that diagnosis.

You are all probably very aware of what the relationship was like, as I have seen lots and lots of posts which are almost identical to what I have been experiencing.

I must admit prior to this stage I have allowed myself to be recycled. Each time surprisingly we lasted longer but the behaviours got worse. Like many of you I tried to understand what was happening but about 2 weeks ago we had a final argument which led to her finishing things with me.

I guess I am just here to ask questions and try and get my head around it all.

I won't bore you with unnecessary back story. Just the latest events.

We had been low contact, then she asked me not to contact her at all. She blocked me on Facebook but so far hasn't blocked my phone. Today I asked her via text if this was the usual bump, and if we would be working things out as before. It was at this point she became quite accusatory toward me. Infact some of it was almost is if it had been made up. She accused me of not caring, and scaring her and asked me not to reply. Then within 10 minutes she was ringing me.

I answered and she basically told me I had autism? That I couldn't understand people's feelings. That she had filed a police case against me and then had it dropped. She then rambled on for about 15 minutes, saying she was stronger than me and that the way I made her feel- no one had the right to do that. She then said something very strange she said how I was with you is not who I was or am and then almost immediately hung up. I tried to call back once but hung up before the answerphone kicked in. That was earlier this evening.

Sorry if not much has made sense as I am tired now. But this has totally thrown me and on top of everything has burnt my head out.

I just wondered is this normal, has anyone else experienced anything like this and have any advice? I'm thinking now is the time to just go nc. For myself.

Any advice, insight or support would be greatly appreciated as the whole set of messages and the call has really thrown me as there has been no mention about any of this before.

Thanks

[joeramabeme]

Hi Confused

Glad you posted.  Seems like you have been back and forth with a partner that has BPD traits.  Much of what you wrote her sounds familiar.

pwBPD often blame others for their own feelings.  It is a form of self-defense called projecting; what I see in myself that I don't like, I attribute as a trait of yours.  Another trait is to pull their partners close and then push them away; referred to as Push/Pull.  It is a fear of emotional abandonment that drives the behaviors and is sounds as if she has been doing both of these things with you.

Where are you emotionally at with all of these happenings now?  Have you decided to be NC or LC?  How long were you together?

[Confused cloud]

Thank you for your reply Joe,

 I am thankful to hear the things you have said because up until recently i felt no one understood what i was trying to say. She does have the disorder and i am unsure if even she really understands it or what the impact of that has been upon the relationship. Its almost as if she feels she has done no wrong and all fault lies with me.

I am not perfect and i have made mistakes, got angry at times, frustrated and done and said things that later i have felt bad about. I have always admitted when i have and yet its a one way street, there's no acceptance on her side of her contributions.

Emotionally i feel drained and semi detached, there's a part of me that wants to walk away and then there's a part that wants to stay. Simply because each time things have progressed a little further and gotten a little better before the storm.

We have been together just short of a year, lots of on and off- always instigated by her, with her coming back a few days or weeks later. The last break lasted 5 weeks, and the longest time without a break was 4 months and this was the last time.

As of now, the morning after the call, i havn't made any decisions about whether i want to be LC or NC. I have always told her i would be there for her and i can be. Its just i worry what will come next if i do make myself available as the latest revelations have spun me completely.

I worry that things will just become more accusatory and abusive, with more blame for things that aren't true. I guess right now that is my main concern.

Thanks 

[abraxus]

I've ended all my BPD relationships with LC, as this seems to cause the least drama.

I've mostly found them to get angry and abusive when I try NC, as it's a reaction to the loss of control they feel. As a result, the easiest way is to give them an illusion of control, as long as you're emotionally strong enough to handle it.

During LC, never ask her about reconciliation. She may be nice about it, but if she's feeling angry, she'll see it as an opportunity to kick you while you're down. Equally, don't openly tell her that you've moved on, as that could also trigger her. Instead just hint that the door is still open, and leave it to her to choose whether to walk through it.

It's not ideal, but seems to be the middle way that tends diffuse too much conflict. Certainty either way, in terms of you being all for it, or all against, gives her a target to rail against, but uncertainty and ambiguity keeps her a bit off balance and unable to allow her get you into her crosshairs. Be nice, be a friend, but don't be a pushover, and in my experience things are easier, and you can slowly fade out if you so choose.

[Confused cloud]

Abraxus i appreciate you taking the time to drop by,

I have told her before now that i would always be there if she needed me, and so far i have been able to uphold that. I go back to the things i enjoy and focus on my hobbies. I think i am emotionally strong enough to be there, although, and im sure you will appreciate this, there are times when the things she says or does knocks that. It is those times i seem to have self doubt, where it has not been present before.

This time things seem to have really taken a turn for the worse, i have never experienced her be this way before. So angry and accusing. With even the smallest of things being blown up, turned around and made huge.

From what Joe said i can see now that this is something she has to do in order to be able to deal with her emotions. As i have been and done none of the things she has accused me of. I even spoke to the police out of curiosity today and they had said there was a log, but that it had been closed due to the fact that there had been no issue, no threats, no breaches of the peace... .which was a relief because she was making out that i was a very disturbed person.

I take on board what you have said and i think they are very wise words. From now on i will just continue to enjoy my freedom and get along with my life. She knows where i am and if she wants to reach out can do, as she knows how to find me.

Again im sorry if im rambling, its just this has been so unusual to anything before and it feels good to be able to talk with like minded people who understand. It strengthens my resolve.

Thank you all again



 

[joeramabeme]

Hi Cloud

Glad you have got something from the discussions here.  Feel free to post whenever.

I have told her before now that i would always be there if she needed me, and so far i have been able to uphold that.

Just a quick note, many of us here are caretakers; we feel a sense of obligation to take care of others welfare at the expense of our own.  Though we rightfully feel proud of our integrity; in a relationship with a BPD, this can be a true liability as they will turn that integrity back on you to maintain a sense of control. 

So, just be mindful not to get immersed to the degree that you ignore your own needs.

Best

[Attic]

Sounds very familiar.  I am sorry you are going through this.  You will be ok.

You can be a great guy and still say no.  You said you would always be there for her, I get this. 

... .

But you may need to cut this woman out of your life.  In my experience I begin to feel healthy with more NC time.  I am quite sick when close to a BPD.