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Author Topic: BPD wife left me and the kids. Is there any hope?  (Read 483 times)
TNDad

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 17


« on: March 23, 2017, 05:26:43 AM »

First, I guess I have to say that she has undiagnosed. We've been to several therapists two of which have said that she most likely has it and they actually told me they could not help her because they were not qualified.
 The first 4-5 years of our marriage were an emotional train wreck back-and-forth. I was incredibly stressed out because of all the things that were "happening" to my wife.  Eventually I started reacting in anger because I just couldn't believe that all these things would happen to her and then ultimately she would threaten me to take kids etc. the anger has been her major issue with me but I have gotten help for that. I've never encountered a person that could lie the way that she does  I never knew that type of person existed.
 She left before and eventually came back and I moved across the country twice and now down to Tennessee all to start a new life. About four months after starting here she blamed me for not paying enough attention to her when I just started a brand-new job and wasn't making enough money so I was working extra hours and extra  days to see if this job would work out.  I ultimately ended up getting her a job there a different department.  After the first month she had slept with my boss and they were going to fire her. I asked her why she did it and she blamed me just like every other time that she did something and that started off the last 13 months of never getting off  I have her phone, the constant other guys and ultimately two weeks ago right before a family vacation she moved in with yet another guy.  Again, blaming me for getting angry at her for not doing anything around the house we had just moved and I had to spend every day of getting everything done because she wasn't doing anything while not working at home alone.  They not doing stuff was least of my worries it was why she wasn't getting stuff done because I knew that she was on her phone and barely taking care of the kids because of that as well.
 So, I don't know what to do now. It's been almost 9 years and I love her  dearly. My heart is completely broken now only because she has left but that she is just able to dismiss me because there's this new guy. She told him about our past and they both use things that happened 5+ years ago to justify what they're both doing right now.  They have already plan I getting married after less than 2 months of talking and have discussed in front of my children getting married after  only a few days of her moving out. I don't know what he has and this is an about this but obviously his behavior is wrong to considering he's making out with my wife, holding hands, and talking to my kids about them getting married within days of her moving out.
 I've tried to reason with her and and explain things are not really where they are but I've also told her that I cannot allow her to come back if she does not want help. I told her that I will go to therapy and I'll do whatever the therapist tells me to do if she agrees and commits to going to therapy and doing whatever the therapist tells her to do including medication to just a lot more therapy.  I also told her that I need an actual apology that is sincere and not one of the other apologies after a major event of I'm sorry but  it's your fault I did it.
 My daughter was sad the other day and I spoke to her and she told me she doesn't want her mother back because she doesn't trust that she'll do the right thing. Now, I spoke to her about her mother loving her and that she is her mother and that she's going to see her every day and she's told me that she understood that but she's hurt the family too many times  and she doesn't want her to live because I more. My oldest daughter is only 11.

I guess ultimately my question is, is there anyway to reason with her in order for her to go to therapy and listen to the therapist and to not cheat why she so obviously has over and over and over?  You had one really great year and it was actually when  she was pregnant with my last son who is now two  years old.  Everything was normal, we cared about each other and there is no issues with phones or talking to other Man or getting stuff done or doing things for each other. It was a normal marriage but then he was born and from two weeks after that on it's been constant.  I don't know if their marriage will last or not. Statistics say not but it almost seems like they're identical people with identical excuses identical reasoning for doing the horrible thing is they do and lying about it in order to justify it to other people.  I don't know what's wrong with me or why I would want this back but I love her  very much and I have worked so hard to keep this family together over the years to see it gone because one guy decided to buy her story and have a story of his own.
 I have four kids  ages 11, seven, four and two. I know the best thing for them is not to be mixed up in this in their daily lives because I've gotten calls from teachers that Homeworks not getting done, calls from teachers saying that   Their words are pulling on deaf years, Bill is not getting paid, money disappearing, kids being yelled that and told to do things that are for adults only have to do or too many chores for a young child to have to do. Is there anyway for me to make her realize that this family loves her but that she needs to get help?
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Mutt
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« Reply #1 on: March 23, 2017, 02:44:33 PM »

Hi TNDad, 

Welcome

I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry that you and the kids are going through a difficult time. I'm glad that you decided to join us, there is hope.

Is there anyway for me to make her realize that this family loves her but that she needs to get help?

I just want to say that I know exactly how that feels when your SO has an affair and blames you for it. My ex was seeing another man while we lived together and she said that she had said that she was leaving so that doesn't make it an affair. Enough about me though, we can't control what others do or don't do, we can only control two things our thoughts and feelings.

You have to be motivated to get help, if you're not motivated, you may go to the sessions and do some homework but ultimately you're not achieving your goal because you don't a goal, she has to want to help herself in order for her to get better. That's bad news good news, the good news is that change only requires one person, the person that has to change in a r/s with a pwBPD is the person that is more emotionally stable, that's you, now by changing with how you react to her choices and actions is where change happens, recall what I said about what you can control?

We can't tell you what to do, but where her to walk with you with the choices that you make, from what I gather from your post, you sound conflicted on the one hand you love her very much and on the other hand you're tired of the chaos. What do you think?
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ArleighBurke
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: was married - 15 yrs
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« Reply #2 on: March 23, 2017, 05:57:40 PM »

I guess ultimately my question is, is there anyway to reason with her... .
"BPD" and "reason with" do NOT go hand in hand.

BPDs are run by emotion. Reasoning is logical. No. You cannot reason with her.

As Mutt said, SHE needs to want to go to therepy if there is any hope of it working. But she is not willing to accept responsibility for her own actions, so I doubt she'll accept responsibility to get better.

I have 3 kids the same ages as your oldest 3. It's tough. I grapple each day with whether it's better for them for me to stay married or not - but my wife isn't cheating on me... .

Not to be bleak, but there is a strong chance that she will remain this way forever. IF she goes to therepy she may improve - but by how much? She certainly won't get magically all better.

You are quite OK to set your "conditions" on her coming back. Just be careful - she may attend therepy - but not be invested in it. So you really want your conditions to be clear and measureable. But if she's with someone else then I think she's making her intentions quite clear.

I know it's a painful time - for you and the kids. Try to create some stability. I take it she's currently living away?
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TNDad

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
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« Reply #3 on: March 23, 2017, 07:37:51 PM »

Ok, thank you for the quick responses. First thing is, yes I am very conflicted. I cannot keep going on  nor can I allow my kids to keep being affected by her chaos. I do love her dearly and I wish that she would just one day wake up and want to go to therapy and want to get better. However, I know that will not happen. If this new relationship doesn't  work out then there are a few possibilities. Either he will be blaming her or she'll be blaming him and she'll want to come back here or should I just find another guy to switch her emotions to.

 Also, my conditions are nonnegotiable. I took her back once after this and she was supposed to go get help etc. however that was very short-lived. If  i'm not with anybody by the time she wants to come back then I will consider it but based on a whole new set of terms. First off, I'll get her own apartment.  We can be friends and even be romantic and go out on dates and do all the things that a dating couple would do. However, I'll be going to therapy with her and she'll be going with me and will be going to marriage counseling for relationship counseling I guess.   I'm sure she'll be put on medication and I may too  but if she discontinues using it after the first month then there will be no more. My plan is to set up a life for us where I can monitor the situation to make sure she's going to follow  The guidelines before she moves back in with me and the kids. While I know that sounds harsh and wrong, it's been nine years of chaos and my daughter yesterday told me that she does not want her mother home because she knows she'll just do the same thing again. I will make  sure that doesn't happen.

 This is all on a timeframe though. She plans on getting married a few months  after what would've been our anniversary. If her new relationship continues for too long then I will eventually find someone myself. I guess the confliction comes with me wanting this to start tomorrow.  I get that it's all emotion-based and there is no reasoning with her because when she switches from one person to the other like she has it's like turning off the meet switch and turning on the him switch. There's nothing left and that's the part that hurts the most because of how much  sacrifice and work I have put into this relationship only to have her say screw it is your fault I'm leaving.  It's just hard to know where to go from here   
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TNDad

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« Reply #4 on: March 24, 2017, 12:26:05 AM »

What do these relationships do to people? Any normal person would have told her to leave after one incident, not 9 years of chaos and still hoping she decides therapy and comes home.

I completely locked my house. She is off the lease and everything she owns is out. For some reason, something told me to remove the key pad from the garage before I left. She called yesterday to tell me she came to check on the mail (not sure why she hasn't switched it yet) and that my garage door was open. I already had a friend check it. She asked why the keypad wasn't on there and I made up a reason so not to piss her off. However, the reason is she hasn't been able to hold a job for more than 3 months and she has stolen in the past to get money she wants. What her new future husband doesn't realize is I've paid for the majority of things she owns, she is high maintenance, and she'll come up with 100 excuses why she can't get a certain job or any job.

Why would I even consider letting her back... .again especially after I've been crushed even more this time around?
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Mutt
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« Reply #5 on: March 24, 2017, 08:59:05 PM »

Hi TNDad,

You've have a long history together, you have kids, a young family, there's probably a part of you that wants to repair the r/s to keep the family intact, you obviously care for her too, don't beat yourself up. Has she called you again? How are the kids?
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