She Texted Me...

[_Joy_]

Hello all!

I posted on here about a month ago because I was struggling with how people were trying to guilt me into talking to my BPD mother again. Back in November she said some incredibly hurtful things to me and I cut off contact. I am pregnant with my first child and I decided that I didn't want her to have a relationship with my child if she doesn't get help. I haven't heard from her in months until tonight. She's asking if she's going to get a relationship with my child. Does anyone have advice on how to effectively communicate to her that she needs to get help before she can get back in our lives? I feel the need to protect my child from her and I can't let her back in with how she currently behaves. Please let me know your thoughts. Thanks!

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi _Joy_:  

One possible way to answer is to use a group of "I" Statements, as a reply to her text.  Perhaps it would be best in an email.

First, check out the info. below to either get acquainted with or refresh your understanding of "I" Statement:

The 19-minute video at the link below is a helpful tutorial for using "I" Statements:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RDExNRJCUp0

The template and sample below could be helpful as well.

How To Use I-Statements:

Start by identifying how you feel: mad, sad, frustrated, etc.
I feel __________

State the reason you feel this way or what happened that led you to those feelings.
when __________

Try to identify the reason the person’s actions led to those feelings for you.
because __________

Let the person know what you want instead.
I would like __________ .

Example:
Your spouse snaps at you during dinner and it really hurt your feelings. Here’s an I-statement to use with this scenario:

I feel hurt when you snap at me like that because I worked hard to cook this nice dinner for us. I would like you to use nicer words and tone with me, and to know if something happened today that has led you to be in a bad mood.

Sample 1
I need interaction between us to be mutually respectful and supportive.  I am fearful to let anyone into my child's life, unless they demonstrate that they can consistently treat me with respect.  if I'm not treated with respect, then I have to assume that my child won't either.

Sample 2
I feel insulted when I'm called names.  It is disrespectful.  I don't have the power to stop anyone who participates in name calling, but I can choose to not associate with them.

What would you like to tell your mom?  Want to take a crack at your own "I" Statements?