Thanks a lot for the quick reply. I will definitely watch the video and go through the articles.
Recently read about validating/invalidating and really it opened my eyes and I do now understand how my responses were escalating the conflicts.
Based on what I have experienced there are 3 major triggers
1) when I "commit a mistake" unknowingly which affects him - these were very trivial things ... (since I do not have any of his relatives around I did not know some of his daily habits - which are quite specific - like he is very sensitive to smell - or very sensitive to the taste, even water or he likes things kept in a particular way... .does not like to throw anything away that is old like old bedsheet or a used T shirt. Asking him to throw it invokes responses like " when I become old you will throw me away) ... .he never ever told me abt this earlier so I did not know ... I discovered it the hard way...
So in initial few months of marriage I committed these mistakes as I was a newly wedded wife and wanted all new things in house and decorate/clean the house as much as possible so I made changes and "Changes are costly" as he always says.
another of his usual phrase is "you do not take care of me as a wife should"... .and of course he tests me a lot ... .
2) When communicating with him the only thing he was interested in listening to is something that is related to him. If I talk anything other than him like weather, politics ,relatives then it means I am not interested in him ... .and if we had a conversation then any reference to certain past childhood days, or comparison or any casual judgemental comment from me was like end of it ... .responses like "no point talking to you ... .you are like a TV reporter just analysing"... ."you are not involved in anything... .you do not do anything yourself and that's why you can comment this way... .
My problem doubles up because he does not have any relatives (cut off from them since long) and I have left my house/city and come to stay with him in another city - which is new to me . So I do not have any relatives or friends around to discuss or know about him.
He has systematically managed to cut me off by raising trust issues and so I do not talk much to anyone and have not made new friends ... .so initially When the conflicts happened I did not know how to handle and was frightened a lot ... .I feared him a lot... .
But I think I am brave and love him and I could understand that there is something not right with him but could not figure it out ... .searched a lot on web and then read about BPD and all makes a lot of sense to me now... .
3) rejection ... .any kind of rejection that happens with his friends or at work... .
I know its a uphill task and I have to rebuild the relationship ... .going to start with validating his feeling ... .and responding positively... .