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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Codependency in my still BPD wife's new fiancé  (Read 348 times)
TNDad

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 17


« on: March 24, 2017, 06:12:39 AM »

 Hello everyone. I know this may sound like a strange question but for me I just need to know the answer because I have worked so hard and sacrificed so much for this marriage and for my children.

 She started this relationship obviously while we are still married and has blamed me just about for everything. I'm not perfect and I know I've made mistakes.

My real question is that he seems to believe everything she is  saying and rather doesn't really care about what she's done in the past. I hate to say this about him because I'm not trying to be mean but he has definitely overachieved with my wife but he is the first person to buy her story.  You seem to be very codependent on her because now this will be his third marriage and hers. They both jumped into it after knowing each other for just over a month well at this point probably two months.  It's obvious that they were going to be codependent on each other because now they can go out together and sing karaoke together and do everything they want together and he can be less than a part-time dad his kids and my wife can be a part time mom to ours.

 If he is going to be this codependent on her asking her to marry him within a month of texting each other then what can I expect as far as how this relationship will go and if it will ever go up to the point where my kids get affected by it?

 I know there's no way for anyone to determine how long relationship will last but in a true codependent relationship where they both have decided to not care about each other's past and ignore anything that they've done, what kind relationship and my looking at in terms of how it affects my children? They've already talked about marriage and wedding plans and  been affectionate  in front of my children within days of her moving out. They seem to think that this is OK and as far as courts go there's really nothing I can do about it. I don't know if I'm going to expect her to self-destruct eventually years months for him to start caring or because he's so codependent that he won't care? 

I guess I'm asking so I know what to protect my kids from when she watches them while I'm at work only.  I won't lie and say that I don't love her because I do very much and I would never wish anyone to be unhappy. Is it possible that this codependent relationship will make her happy or is this something that might crash and burn eventually as well?
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Pretty Woman
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1683


The Greatest Love is the Love You Give Yourself


« Reply #1 on: March 24, 2017, 08:36:37 AM »

Hi TNDad,
   Speaking from my own experience, when I met my now ex she had told me terrible things about the person before me. She had said she was raped and had to file a protective order against this person.

None of them were true. But I didn't see this until long after I was dumped and replaced. I had the opportunity to speak to a few exes and very little of what she told me was true, overall most were lovely people.

I am in the same situation you are minus the children. I knew my replacement and had confided in her that my ex had cheated on me several times and left me for exes. I actually thought this person was a friend.

I pretty much told her everything she needed to know about my ex, right down to the BPD suspicions. Of course, I find out later my ex was already working on her and she took all of this as a sign we were over and went for it.

They've been together two years now, living together for one.

I never lived with my ex. It was rocky from month three and every three months she would cycle, pick a fight with me and leave. I don't remember spending any major holidays with her because holidays were a huge trigger and she would usually start an EPIC fight right before them, ruining my holiday and those who had invited me to things (I would end up not attending because I was a complete wreck over the breakup).

Will your ex and her new amore last? Who knows. People with weak boundaries, weaker than ours do tend to take more abuse and stay longer. Maybe this new person won't trigger her the same. All I know is if it happened once, or more than once it is likely to happen again. The time span may be different but I know in my ex's case, all of her exes had been cheated on (even the ones she lived with) and she would recycle them between each other. It seems like there are two she has gone back and forth between for years.

I too was slandered horribly. In your situation I suggest you don't slander mom or the new fiancee to the kids, just be the best dad you can be. Be there for them because they will need you. It's hard because you are dealing with the emotions of the end of your marriage and your ex getting engaged almost immediately, but when it comes to your kids... .they will see the truth in YOUR ACTIONS and how you carry yourself, especially with their mother. This will trump anything bad she says about you.

While I don't have children I can relate to this because my own mother is a BPD and my parents are divorced. My own mother slandered my father and I am actually closer to him today because of it. He never once said a bad word about my mother so in the end, it made no sense, the things she was saying.

Kids are smart. They will figure it out.

As for YOUR emotions, how are you doing? I suspect my ex is getting married (there have been some rumblings) which recently triggered me. What gets me through is remembering how terrible she was to me and how sad my life was for three years. I am at the point where I am happy if she is happy and not dragging others into her emotional tornado. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, even the person who betrayed me.
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TNDad

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 17


« Reply #2 on: March 24, 2017, 06:23:29 PM »

My kids have already figured most of it out with my oldest two already going through this before with her. They know right from wrong and don't want her back without major boundaries set and again they are only 11 and 7.

I guess I just feel liked I failed her because I got wrapped up in work and the kids and the house and didn't push therapy and making things right.

 Ultimately, I guess she gets to live the life that she wants with this guy because now she gets to be married but with more of a single life and have part-time responsibilities with the kids.

 Again, I know there's no way of telling how long relationship will last but I'm really kind of curious as far as codependency goes with relationships like this because they will be codependent on each other and him on her not caring about the past is just silly to me. Of course the passes the past, but what you don't want to happen is for the past repeat itself.  He doesn't care what this family is going through or that she's not here in the first major family vacation but I don't know what he saying to her or what he's doing with her or if it's just that she can live that lifestyle.

If he is truly codependent, what can I look for as far as the relationship goes as far as destructive behavior etc.? She has already lost a ton of weight and I would never tell her she's in anything but beautiful but she's getting down to her sick weight again.  Of course, there's no pointing anything like that out because that's a rational thought but I don't know if codependency and is just as horribly as this does or what but I hate the fact that she's not here with us because I have worked so hard to make this family work and just feel like I got thrown away like a piece of trash because something new popped up
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Mutt
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
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« Reply #3 on: March 25, 2017, 09:39:06 AM »

Hi TNDad,

I'm sorry taht you're going through. I can relate with your story, something similar happened to me. I'd suggest to not worry about the pathology of gtheir r/s for now and focus on you and the kids. I know that at a time like this, for you, is easier said then done.

We seperated several times in my marriage, I just thought we'd get back together again, my ex moved that time, with the kids. Three weeks after she moved out she came out with her boyfriend and she introduced him to the kids and he was sleeping over with my kids there! I'm guessing that you're probably pretty upset that you feel like there's no control over the situation and you're about what they're exposing the kids to.

I'd like to echo what both of you said about boundaries, it telegraphs that they both have poor boundaries, i'd like to add needy because they're not thinking of the impact of their choices and how it affects you and the kids. That being said, she is an adult and she has the right to make her own choices, good ones or bad ones. The kids are going to need someone to model, that's where you come in. I just wanted to add something else, after my ex crossed a boundary in our marriage, I couldn't follow her anymore because it went against my values, not only that I was worried about what I was going to teach my kids, if I took mom back after left him and she was sleeping with another man in a different house, if I took her back it telegraphed that it's OK for people to treat you like that and take them back, I didn't want them to find themselves in an abusive r/s because of how I was mentoring them. Lastly, trust, I understand that r/s's / marriages can be repaired after infidelity but I couldn't trust that she wasn't going to do it again. Infidelity is enough to dissolve a marriage, i'd be lying if it wasn't the opportunity that I was looking for to finally get divorced and put her behind me.

You have four kids, I have three of my own, it's a lot of work and a lot of stress, I threw myself into fitness to de stress and to empty my thoughts in the gym, plus you get in shape and you get buff! Anyways, that's just something that worked for me and others, i'd suggest that you find something that keeps you busy, do you have any hobbies? Are there groups for divorced men in your area? Finally do you have a T? A T will help you tremendously in a time like this.
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"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
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Posts: 191


« Reply #4 on: March 25, 2017, 10:10:19 AM »

Would echo the comments about not worrying about their relationship.

If you're really interested in the psychology, perhaps think about sources of interest that don't have a close personal connection to you. Invest in yourself and unpicking your role in all of this and leave them to what will almost certainly be an unhappy and drama filled life together. You deserve better than to think about that.
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