It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.

[Amanita]

I've been in a relationship with a person who was dealt a incredibly challenging hand from the moments of birth: very low birth weight, adopted, korean in a predominantly white community college town, bipolar disorder, voices the past 3 years, alcoholism, drug problems, cutting, suicide attempts, antipsychotics, rape, PTSD, periods of homelessness, loved ones - including me - who try to help but often only seem to make things worse... .

She's often says that she's a hard person to love. But loving her is incredibly easy. It's trying to figure out her behavior. Trying to know when I'm helping and when I'm enabling. Trying to get help for myself and help her when until 19 months ago I had no experience with bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder, or active detachment disorder. I've had to learn mostly through trial and error what she needs, what I need, what we need, to make this relationship work but I can't ask any of her therapists for advice, or her parents, or any of the people who could have insight into personality disorders and how I can help her and avoid hurting her... .

I do have those who have helped me. A few friends but mainly my mother. My mother is the most loving and understanding of people and she has been my rock. But like me she is also ignorant of personality disorders so I'm hoping to have a community that can support me and help me understand my unique situation. I need support for me emotionally when she is being self destructive or verbally abusive, I need help knowing when I'm triggering her especially when I may not find out that something bothered her until she blows up a month later... .I need help navigating that fuzzy line between helping someone and enabling one to continue destructive or unhealthy levels of dependency. I need people who have experienced and can empathize with the often daily bewildering behaviors which I have trouble understanding. As much as I don't know or understand about her I've tried to keep a few fundamental truths in mind when I'm feeling torn apart:

1. I know she loves me - I believe and feel it more than anyone I've ever been romantically involved with - and wants the best for me. The reverse is also true. I've never loved someone more and my love for her makes me question whether past love was actually love or something less than.

2. I'm not perfect and make mistakes and sometimes lose my cool, but when she's had an outburst it is almost never about me but about her.

3. The best times that I've had with her are who she wants to be. That our worst times are less her and more the disorders, she's out of control, and the real her is no longer in control. She can get better but and she wants to, but in being with her I'm accepting her as she is now and also excepting the possibility that she might never get better, might die tomorrow, and so try to enjoy the each moment and then let it go... .

4. That the good times are worth the bad.

One of the things I've been trying to do is to deal with my own problems. I love her and can't see ever giving up or abandoning her like she always assumes and as has happened so much in the past (she's an adoptee) but I decided that I have to seriously work on me if I wan't to be with her. I did a 10-day Vipassana silent meditation retreat as a way of identify thoughts and emotions and just observing them. The method is thousands of years old and is similar to the mindfulness practices used in DBT. Though I still sometimes argue with her, I know its helped keep me from reacting to my emotions. Anyone else practice Vipassana or other meditation?

Sorry if this is all a bit scatterbrained. Looking forward to finding and giving support on here.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JoeBPD81]

Welcome Amanita,

I can feel your anxiety on your post, or maybe it mirrors my own anxiety, as I have thought and experience similar things. Has she been diagnosed?

Trial and error tends to be very frustrating here, but it is true that observing and listening the person in question will give you powerful knowledge, to be better for her. Take your time to read and reflect on the first steps and lesson on the right of this page. With the best of intentions we do a lot of things wrong, so the most important thing is to stop that.

I got support here relating specific episodes that I didn't know how to handle. We all have our problems, so be patient. I got a bit impatient at first. The amount of info and post seems overwhelming, but you'll find support and wisdom and kindness where you least expect it.

It is great that she wants to get better and that she identifies herself with the good moments.

I think you need to call things by their names, and your 'truths' sound like positive visualizing/thinking that can be good, yet they are subjective. Truths are facts, and facts are what you can't argue with when you are down. Look for those positive facts, they are there. And they help. For example: ' She doesn't stay mad forever'. I'm sure she loves you, but there will be times that you would doubt that, because you feel so down and you'd feel you only make things worse for her. So you'll need something solid and indisputable. It pains me to tell you this, because I've been there, and I believed and wished love cured everything.

Also, if you are down, you need to have other sources of validation and motivation,not all coming from your relationship with her. Your own goals, hobbies, people... .when talking is not helping, you have to notice and take some distance and let her calm down and you charge your batteries. It can be half an hour, and that can avoid 5 hours of arguing. Your GF is special, and you're gonna need some special training, I believe you have the will and the insight to make it happen. So take one day at a time, and try to make it better than the day before, even if there are steps back, look always forward.

Good luck.