Communicating Values

[DaddyBear77]

Many here know the background of my relationship with uBPDw / uNPDw - severe financial problems, isolation from friends and family of origin, constant conflicts regarding parenting D3, constant bullying particularly in areas of strong disagreement.

I believe that one of the first steps to resolving these big issues is for me to clearly understand what MY values are.

I've decided to pick one or two areas from the above and write a simple statement around them:
Financial Problems: I believe in living life within our current means while meeting all the financial obligations I've created for myself. I also believe in limiting or eliminating the creation of new obligations (e.g., credit cards, loans) until such time as we (a) fully meet existing obligations, and (b) have the reasonable expectation that we will be able to meet the future obligation.

Family of Origin: I believe in strong family ties, and when ties are strained, I believe in putting in considerable effort to try and repair those ties. I believe that extended families can provide love, support, compassion, and also help in an overall sense of belonging which cannot be provided by any single relationship.


I'm still refining these statements, but once refined, I'm not sure what the next steps are? Do I attempt to communicate these to my pwBPD? Do I just use these as guideposts for my own next steps and not even bother attempting to have a discussion with my pwBPD?

Any guidance would be really helpful here.

DB

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[teapay]

These are good statements for guiding your thoughts, but more importantly your actions.  I make sure I understand and believe my values first, but once I’m confident that I do I will share with my W if I think I need to get them across.  I’ve learned to drive through or over any blow back I may get.

Two things I can mention regarding values.

1.   It is good to write them down to get them straight in your mind, but if they stay on the paper they don't mean much.  They really have to be your values and they need to be things that you actually VALUE---really VALUE.  They should not just be theoretical, but something you VALUE enough to fight for, to bloody and be bloodied for, because you probably will have to fight for them in a BPD relationship.

2.   Before the values you have highlighted, which might be immediate and important to you, I’ve found a couple of values which I give primacy to and from which others flow.  First, I’ve learned to value, to give primacy and to be true to my own life and self.  This means I am entitled to and have control have my own life, my own thoughts, needs, wants and beliefs and that I don’t have to change them for others if I don’t want.  It might require me to changes my circumstances, but not my values.  This is very freeing, releasing me from fear, obligation and guilt.  It also places me first and in the drivers seat of my life.  The truth is that I can’t be very effective to myself, my family or even my spouse, unless I take care of myself first.  This can be a scary value to some, though, if one thinks they are a bad person and would use the power released from that view of life to take advantage of others.  Second, I’ve come to value my own ability to reason rationally and reasonably, my own judgment and my good character.  This has also been very empowering and allows me to think and act through distortions and solve life problems that are consistent with my other values.  The longer I've stuck with these the happier I've become and the more I've been able to steer my life and family in the direction I want it to go.

[Grey Kitty]

One thing to think about is whether you can implement/live your values by taking actions yourself... .or whether you need agreement and cooperation from your wife.

When it comes to staying in contact with / spending time with your family, you do not need your wife to do anything at all. All you need to do is live your values.

You do need her cooperation if she is going to have a relationship with her family, or participate in times you and D3 are with your parents/family, so that is something that you will need to negotiate. You *shouldn't* need to negotiate to bring D3 along to spend time with your parents, but I'm guessing/remembering that she can and probably will make an issue with that.

I'd suggest you not negotiate or discuss your values with her beyond telling her that you will be acting in accordance with them. ("I will be seeing my parents this weekend" "I talk to my family regularly" etc.) She probably won't agree that you are "right" but she can't top you. You don't have to convince her to agree that you are "right", and it is a losing battle anyways.


If you and your wife have joint bank accounts and joint credit cards, you cooperation from her.

That said, if you make the majority of the household income, you have the option of putting that into an account in your name, and setting limits on spending with it.

If your household is going to live within your financial values, start by figuring out what parts you can do by yourself, and what parts you need your wife's cooperation for, before you start talking to her about budgets or values.