Where to start...

[Scarletstar]

I've been in a relationship with him for almost four years. He appeared at first to be everything a woman could want. I was a single mum with 2 boys, he was a single dad with 2 boys. He was handsome, funny, bright - and VERY interested in being with me.

The intensity of his feelings at the start was overwhelming. It almost seemed fake. He was 'in love' with me within a couple of dates. I remember him telling me that he loved me very quickly and, when I didn't say it back, he became quite cross with me. Asking me why I didn't say it back, didn't I feel it too? Did I care about him at all? Why didn't I love him then? All questions fired at me. With hindsight, that was the first red flag right there.

Soon after we got together he started self harming. He'd mentioned that it was something he used to do but like smoking, he didn't do anymore. I sat up until the early hours with him on numerous occasions holding his hands so that he wouldn't hit himself in the face. Reassuring him that he was a wonderful person.

Over the course of our relationship things have got progressively worse with suicide threats becoming common place. Usually the self harm and suicide threats would occur when we were having a disagreement. These disagreements could start with something as insignificant as where on a wall to hang a picture. If my opinion differs to his, I am called 'opinionated and a bully'. When I questioned how I was bullying him simply by stating my thoughts and pointed out how much he was over reacting, that was like a red rag to a bull. Suddenly the change would occur and I would end up being verbally abused, told he had never had an issue with anyone else, never argued in any previous relationship, never felt so suicidal as he had since he'd been with me... I was told over and over that how I spoke to him was patronising and like he was a piece of sh*t.

There has been a lot of stress - an unexpected pregnancy and consequently a new baby, I was also diagnosed with breast cancer... we've had a lot going on. We have continued to have a cyclical relationship where things are fine for a while but something (usually a small and relatively insignificant difference of opinion) will trigger things and he starts smashing himself in the face, screaming at me that I won't listen to him and he doesn't have a voice. Recently he said he was going to get a knife from the kitchen drawer and stab himsrlf with it. I had three children asleep upstairs. It was just too much and I asked him to leave.

Following a couple of days apart, we reconciled. Me promising to think more before I spoke to him and to take into account that he is just very sensitive. More sensitive than anyone is ever met before. I was aware that I was having to tiptoe around him and apologise profusely if my normal sense of humour escaped momentarily. I wasn't able even to ask him to move his muddy boots from the dining room for fear of starting a row. So I just did everything myself. We got along well during this time. Our physical relationship was never an issue but was even better during these past few months.

Our baby daughter was playing with his Apple Watch one morning as he was taking a shower. When I noticed she had it, I took it out of her hands. Glancing at it, I noticed some messages - and some photos included in these messages. Clearly he had asked a woman to send him photographs of herself 'between her legs'. She had willingly obliged and sent several photos. He had commented in reply that it was so sexy and wow, he was so turned on... this text exchange was at around 5.30 on a Monday afternoon. Right after he had called me and told me he was picking something up from the shop on his way home. He told me he loved me before he hung up.

Obviously I confronted him about it. The first thing he did was plead ignorance and looked at his phone, showing me there were no messages (obviously he'd deleted them from his phone but hadn't realised the whole exchange was downloaded onto his Apple Watch!). Once faced with the truth he didn't have anything to say for a while.

I had to get my boys to school and had to try to behave as normally as possible in front of them. He was just following me around the house looking like a rabbit that was caught in some headlights. Eventually we could talk. All he could say was it didn't mean anything, she was an ex from 20 years ago who had called him to say she'd found some old photos they'd sent each other back then. He hadn't actually seen her in person - she lived hours away. He said it was a bullsh*t ego thing, he didn't know why he'd done it, he regretted it and unless I forgave him and forgot about it he was going to take an overdose. He showed me a whole load of pills he had in his hand. He has a heart condition so has quite a pharmacy here. Drugs that slow your heart, sleeping tablets, anti sickness pills etc...

What was I supposed to do? I told him okay, I would forgive him and forget it. The trouble is I can't. It sat with me for a couple of days as he carried on as though nothing had happened. I got progressively more angry and felt like a complete idiot for allowing myself to be emotionally blackmailed. Eventually I had to bring it up. He did the obvious thing and started self harming and threatening suicide. I backed down again but made it clear I was not happy and that our relationship was not okay.

The next day he resigned from his job, completely breaking down in tears. They sent him to his doctor straight away who signed him off with depression and referred him to a psychiatrist. None of you will be surprised to hear that he has now been diagnosed as having Borderline a Personality Disorder. Alongside that he has Chronic low self esteem and Body Dysmorphia Disorder - all with co-occurring depression.

I have been told that I must be loving, understanding and fully supportive so that he can get better. I've been told that it can take a long time. The problem is, a part of me hates him. I hate what he's done. I hate that he has effectively cheated. I hate that I HAVE to forgive him, that I'm not allowed to shout and scream and throw him out because, well, he might kill himself mighten he?

He is having psychotherapy but hadn't even mentioned the infidelity to his therapist! He told me that it wasn't relevant... .I phoned and told her myself.

So here we are. In limbo. I can't look at him in the same way anymore. As an aside, he's sailed pretty close to the wind before with numerous flirtatious messages send via 'professional' networking site LinkedIn... telling women he'd been thinking about them all weekend and that he'd always thought they were really special etc... I have no idea if this was the first 'photo request' incident or if he's been doing things like this through the past four years. He says it's a one off - but then he would, wouldn't he? He's a liar.

So I'm stuck. I feel obliged to support and help him through his therapy but I am still so angry. He has no job now either so just sleeps and messes around on his iPad, telling me he's applying for jobs... it's irritating. He's not lifting a finger around the house, barely helping with his daughter, just moping around feeling sorry for himself, complaining that I'm not being very loving towards him. Smoking cannabis almost every day and disappearing off to sleep at his brothers house, apparently, whenever it suits him. Undoubtedly slagging me off while there.

I truly don't know what to do. Obviously I didn't want any of this to happen. I wanted my happily ever after with this man. I'm so upset and confused and hurt. I don't really have anyone to talk to about it all.

Utterly lost.

 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi Scarletstar, 



I'm glad that you decided to join us. You have a lot going on. You're in the right place, it helps to talk to others that can relate with you and offer you guidance and support. BPD books will say that a pwBPD need to have support when they're going through therapy, is he going to therapy. It also doesn't meant that you can't have your feelings about his behaviors. This is a place where you can share your thoughts and feelings, a place to vent without being judged or invalidated for your feelings. I'd pretty upset too if my SO was downplaying bad behavior, and trying to incite guilty feelings. I'm sorry that you're going through a difficult time

[gotbushels]

Hi Scarletstar 

I join Mutt in welcoming you here. Welcome!

You've got a lot going on. That's quite clear. There's a lot of children involved too. All taken together, that's a lot going on.

I think if we go one step at a time, things will go in a place you'd prefer it to go.

He was 'in love' with me within a couple of dates. ... .him telling me that he loved me very quickly and, when I didn't say it back, he became quite cross with me. Asking me why I didn't say it back, didn't I feel it too? Did I care about him at all? Why didn't I love him then? All questions fired at me. With hindsight, that was the first red flag right there.

I relate very strongly to this experience of yours. My ex's version to not getting what she wanted was 2-4 hours of dysregulation over a period of about 24 hours. Weapon of choice was a tantrum. She was going to leave town at one point. This too was very early in our relationship.

My experience is different because my ex wasn't "quite cross". She was extremely upset.

I now know there's much, much more that was going on in my time with of this situation, and I think it's true for yours too.

I encourage you to take things one step at a time. Things improved for me when I did these things, and I don't doubt they will for you too. 

Soon after we got together he started self harming. He'd mentioned that it was something he used to do but like smoking, he didn't do anymore. I sat up until the early hours with him on numerous occasions holding his hands so that he wouldn't hit himself in the face. Reassuring him that he was a wonderful person.

This strikes me as a very serious set of issues. I know others on here would read things and be daunted by the number of implied issues here. The point is not to scare you, but to share with you that I do think your situation is very serious and you'd do very well to act accordingly.

I very strongly encourage you to adjunct your time on here with a T or P. Not for treatment, but as a support tool. I unknowingly but strongly benefited from the support despite my first intentions being to get my ex into therapy. He pointed me in very key and helpful places.

I found I was playing closet-therapist in my relationship, when, if given a choice now, I probably would have decided strongly against it. Yes, I care about this person, yes there are reasons not to--but what you want to bring out is your ability to be lifted out of the foggy area of perceived obligation into a place of personal choice.

He is having psychotherapy but hadn't even mentioned the infidelity to his therapist! He told me that it wasn't relevant... .I phoned and told her myself.

Sometimes people withhold information from a T in order to allow presentation of an image that allows them to work. E.g., if they did something horrific, they may suppress the information from the deep judgment that they won't be good enough to talk to the T if they shared it. It's not your fault that he's not sharing information with a carer-figure.   

I hope you find peace.

[heartandwhole]

I truly don't know what to do. Obviously I didn't want any of this to happen. I wanted my happily ever after with this man. I'm so upset and confused and hurt. I don't really have anyone to talk to about it all.

Utterly lost.

Scarletstar, I'd like to join Mutt and gotbushels and welcome you to the community. I'm very sorry that things have become so difficult. Feeling lost, upset, and confused is so understandable. I can relate to your feelings.  

You've come to the right place for support. Members here understand what you are going though, and the site has resources that can help make things better in your relationship.

I realize this is a big blow and you need time to deal with your emotions. Please do take time to care for yourself and reach out to trusted friends and family for support, too.

Keep posting. We're here for you.

heartandwhole
 

[Naughty Nibbler]

I'd like to join the others and welcome you to the community.  I'm so sorry about everything you have to deal with right now. How old is your baby?  Is the mother of your partner's children in the picture?

There has been a lot of stress - an unexpected pregnancy and consequently a new baby, I was also diagnosed with breast cancer  

How are things going with your cancer treatment?  Are you getting the treatment you need and want?  

Battling cancer is definitely a time to minimize your stress.  Has your partner been supportive at all?  

You say you don't have anyone to talk to.  :)o you have any family that you could turn to for help?
Do you work, or has your unemployed partner been supporting everyone.

I have been told that I must be loving, understanding and fully supportive so that he can get better. I've been told that it can take a long time. The problem is, a part of me hates him. I hate what he's done. I hate that he has effectively cheated. I hate that I HAVE to forgive him, that I'm not allowed to shout and scream and throw him out because, well, he might kill himself mighten he?    

You aren't responsible for him getting better, he is.  There needs to be a balance of supporting with boundaries.  BOUNDARIES are for your own well being and protection.  They are for you to consistently enforce.  Your partner won't like them.  

The information below might be helpful for you to read.  It came from the website of a Domestic Abuse Support Organization, and specifically addresses how suicide threats can be used in such a way to be a form of abuse in a relationship.

When Your Partner Threatens Suicide
“I’ll kill myself if you leave me.”
It seems like a no-win situation. When someone you’re close to says something like this, it can feel like the world just stopped spinning.

People who have a mental illness, such as Borderline Personality Disorder, typically have a higher risk for suicide. Depression, a history of substance abuse, and other disorders carry risks as well. If your partner truly wishes to die and has a plan and intention to follow through, get immediate help. Call your local emergency number, or call a Suicide Hotline for your area.

But what if your partner regularly threatens suicide, particularly whenever you’re not doing something he or she wants you to do, or when you’re trying to leave the relationship? First, understand that this is a form of emotional abuse: your partner is trying to manipulate you by playing on your feelings of love and fear for them. You might get angry when this happens, but you also might feel like you have to give in to them in order to avoid a potential tragedy. When your partner makes these threats repeatedly, there are steps you can take to protect yourself and possibly help your partner as well.

Tell your partner you care about them, but stick to your boundaries. Giving in to threats over and over does not make a relationship healthy, and it only creates anger and resentment on your end. You could say something like, “You know I care about you very much, and I understand you’re upset right now, but I will not _____.”

Put the choice to live or die where it belongs – on your partner. You can’t be responsible for another person’s actions, no matter what – and this includes when your partner chooses to be abusive. An optional response is: “I think our relationship should be based on love and respect, not threats. I really care about you, but this is your choice and I can’t stop you from making it.”

If your partner often says they’re going to kill themselves when things aren’t going their way, they’re not showing you love – they’re likely trying to control your actions. If this is the case, consider the tips above and try to get help where you can. You might try talking to a counselor or other professional therapist, if that’s an option for you. But remember, you are not your partner’s counselor, and you can’t force your partner to get help if they don’t want to. They have to make that choice for themselves.

Please keep in mind that these tips may not be right for everyone; you know your own situation best. You may want to talk through these tips with someone at a Suicide Prevention or Domestic Abuse Hotline.

Remember that no matter what your partner says, you don’t have to prove anything. Even though they might be saying something like, “If you really loved me, you’d stop me from killing myself,” the real truth is that there are unhealthy patterns in your relationship. Until those unhealthy patterns are addressed, they will most likely continue no matter how many times you give in to your partner’s demands.

I would end up being verbally abused, told he had never had an issue with anyone else, never argued in any previous relationship, never felt so suicidal as he had since he'd been with me... I was told over and over that how I spoke to him was patronizing and like he was a piece of sh*t.

He is having psychotherapy but hadn't even mentioned the infidelity to his therapist! He told me that it wasn't relevant... .I phoned and told her myself.  

Are you able to get some therapy?  It could be helpful for you.  It will take a lot of hard work for your partner to change, and gain some degree of remission.  :)oes his therapist know about him using suicide threats to get what he wants?