Co-parent with a BPD (maybe) Ex

[BPDx]

I am in the process of getting divorced from a woman whom , at the very least, has some elements of BPD. We are co-parenting a child. I go to great lengths to buffer myself from her. I do not ask her about anything, we exchange our child in a neutral space. Yet, despite minimal interaction for the past 18 months, essentially only discussing things that directly related to our child, I am accused of being "controlling". This arises as a result of me asking for transparency and accountability from both of us regarding our child.

This is fairly frustrating. I spent years bottling up my frustrations arising from feeling manipulated and avoiding conflict. I spent two years unpacking this stuff in therapy. Regrettably, I have not yet figured out how to respond to these sorts of accusations with out getting mad. This in turn seems to then validate her opaque behavior. We are wrapping up our parenting documents our mediator seems to have sided with her " victim " act. The worst part is that I then mire myself in self doubt, wondering what kind of jerk I must be to have someone accuse me of such things.

Arg! I just want away from this person and to free myself of the shackles I put on myself trying to interact with her. I get so worried about how she will react, it can take me hours to write a simple email to her because I spend so much time trying to tune the message so she cannot read some kind of mal intent between the lines.

[bob88]

Like you, I am co-parenting with a maybe BPD.  Divorced 7 years ago (thank god!), it has been at times a struggle.  I will tell you that you cannot win - their skill at throwing a wrench into your carefully crafted machine of peace is beyond measure.  However, I have found that over the years you do start to grow some resistance to their evil, and it slowly becomes easier to resist them.

This very morning she contacted me about our child, and a pleasant exchange turned almost immediately into my "not being supportive".  I understand that now as meaning "you are not doing what I want", and I simple stopped responding to her text.  Ahhh, the pleasure of that moment!

If I have learned anything from this board, it is that limiting conversation, limiting contact, letting her take her shots and simply not caring anymore, are the best set of skills you can learn.  You will not out-think her manipulation, her conflict, her opaque behavior ... .but you can free yourself from her world.  See her as nothing more than an irritant, no different than a mosquito, and it will be a great burden from your shoulders.

Bob

[DepthTested]

 :check:It is virtually impossible to co-parent with a BPD. Attempting to work with a BPD triggers their instinct to manipulate and push buttons. This is why co-parenting is so difficult, the very nature of it requires cooperation.

You may need to learn the art of "parallel parenting." It can help you avoid triggering the BPD.

Also, communicating with them only through email is useful too. You may feel this is extreme, but if it keeps the peace, it's worth it. It worked wonders for me. It allowed me to not have my buttons pushed. I made a rule for myself that I would never respond to her emails before 48 hours. In the beginning, I wrote a reply to her email immediately, but didn't send it. Then, 48 hours later, I would rewrite the email. That helped me to see how differently I replied with time to think and calm down. I highly recommend the book "Splitting" by Bill Eddy. I also recommend his book "BIFF," which explains how to communicate with borderlines. (BIFF stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm.) It takes practice, but it will get better.

Take an assertive, not aggressive or passive" approach to her. Be direct. Keep it short. Emotional appeals feed their disorder. You cannot reason with a borderline. Don't waste your time trying. And don't try to make sense of what she does, it will never make sense in the long run. They say one thing, and do another. Don't listen to her words, watch what she does, that's much clearer indication of her real motives. Her words are designed to be deceptive.

Hang in there, borderlines are very difficult people, you don't want their chaos to become your chaos.

[bus boy]

Wow BPDx, I had to pinch my self to make sure I wasn't you. Coparenting in my experience is non existent. Fighting Xw in court or doing our parental impact was and is extremely difficult bc she will lie and her lies get believed. That's why I say you can't fix get anywhere when one party tells lies. I wish I could say more positive things, I'm in a bad way today anyway but in my personal experience of the past 10 years, Xw has been horrible and when I started pushing back and holding her to the court order a whole new level of personality disorder showed its ugly head. Wish I could be more positive, I'm sorry. But I will not lie either, the trip on the BPD coparenting train is usually a rough one. God bless you.