Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 08:48:43 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Survey: How do you compare?
Adult Children Sensitivity
67% are highly sensitive
Romantic Break-ups
73% have five or more recycles
Physical Hitting
66% of members were hit
Depression Test
61% of members are moderate-severe
108
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Feel like I'm going crazy  (Read 376 times)
Munequit

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 3


« on: March 27, 2017, 08:35:08 AM »

My mom has traits of BP and now that I'm an adult, instead of being overtly critical, she will trash me behind me and my family behind our backs. When confronted, she gets angry and denies it. My dad, on the other hand, refuses to engage and has been an enabler. I have not spoken to them in a month, because I can't participate in this craziness and feel I need distance to sort out what I want to do and learn how to set healthy boundaries. It has been hard, as my brother is trying to get me to forget about the whole thing. I feel he wants things to go back to normal. Sometimes I feel I'm going crazy because my parents' dysfunction is normal in my family and has extended to other members like my brother.
Logged
Naughty Nibbler
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 1727



« Reply #1 on: March 27, 2017, 04:58:29 PM »


Welcome Munequit:   
I'm so sorry you are having problems with your family.  I can hear you are very frustrated and no one wants to feel like they are crazy.   

Quote from: Munequit link
My mom has traits of BP and now that I'm an adult, instead of being overtly critical, she will trash me behind me and my family behind our backs. When confronted, she gets angry and denies it.

It can be counterproductive to confront someone with BPD or BPD traits.  The two lessons below can be helpful for you to avoid arguments and drama.  At the end of the article on the Karpman Drama Triangle, there is information about healthy communication triangles.

AVOIDING CIRCULAR ARGUMENTS

KARPMAN DRAMA TRIANGLE

Quote from: Munequit link
She will trash me and my family behind our backs. . . I have not spoken to them in a month, because I can't participate in this craziness and feel I need distance to sort out what I want to do and learn how to set healthy boundaries.   
 

You say your mom trashed you behind your back (and your family).  How did this get back to you?  Are you able to share some examples of what was said?

What are some things you want to set BOUNDARIES with?  (other than talking about you behind your back)

You can't change your parents.  The only thing you have control over is yourself and how you interact with them and how you react to them. There are a lot of skills lessons here that can be helpful for you.  Clicking on the "Green Words" that appear in this post will take you to some lessons.  Also, there is a "Tools" menu within the wide green band at the top of the page.  At the bottom of the "Tools" menu is a link to the entire Workshop Area.  The lesson on ":)on't Invalidate" is one on the menu that should be helpful.

Quote from: Munequit link
my parents' dysfunction is normal in my family and has extended to other members like my brother.

Are you able to share some examples of your brother's behavior (other than the wants you to forget about the dysfunction with your parents)

I look forward to hearing more of your story.   Being cool (click to insert in post)

Logged
Munequit

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 3


« Reply #2 on: March 27, 2017, 05:17:11 PM »

Thank you so much for the reply. I heard about my mom trashing me and my family from my sister.
Apparently, my mom has a lot issues with my husband. According to her: he is too old, has no class, has ___ed up older children, doesn't adapt to the family, etc. About me, she has said that I must have a problem because I married someone older, I have never known how to dress, etc. In front of us, she will be friendly, but behind our backs will go crazy with the criticism. Over Christmas, she attacked because my daughters are not baptized. I tried to tell she needs to respect difference, but she kept attacking. I have a very hard time dealing with her intolerance, moodiness and criticism. My dad takes the role of an enabler and excuses my mom's behavior, to the point he will deny ever hearing anything.
I would like to learn to have some distance and be able to not react to my mom's behavior. I would also like to let go of the fear I have of her. I feel like I's a child around her who can't stand up for herself.
My brother asks me every day if I have talked to my parents, when I'm planning on doing so, if I have spoken to my sister who he considers to be a trouble maker, if I don't think it is about time for me to call my parents, etc. I try to tell him I don't need his judgement and that I will call my parents when I feel ready, but he keeps pressuring me. I also need to put boundaries so my interactions with him don't revolve around my parents and the situation. I have also identified some behaviors in my brother that are similar to my mom's, such as a need to control, taking things personally, not accepting difference of opinion, aggressive and manipulative. This has made the situation even more difficult for me.
Logged
Naughty Nibbler
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 1727



« Reply #3 on: March 27, 2017, 08:02:03 PM »

Hey again Munequit:    

Quote from: Munequit
I heard about my mom trashing me and my family from my sister. . . My brother asks me every day if I have talked to my parents, when I'm planning on doing so, if I have spoken to my sister who he considers to be a trouble maker, if I don't think it is about time for me to call my parents, etc.

Sounds like you have a drama triangle with your sister and brother.  What do you think is behind your sister telling you the negative things your mom says?  Sounds like she might be getting something out of instigating disputes between you and your mother? You sister has some agenda, what do you think it is?

Things people say don't have power, unless you give it power.  

My parent would make comments about my sister, from time to time, but I never once considered repeating anything to my sister.  I had no doubt that from time to time, things were mentioned about me when I wasn't there.  I choose not to give those situations any power.  It really doesn't matter what someone says about me, as I'll never please everyone. To some degree, there is some talking behind most people's backs.  Someone doesn't like what you wore, your hair, spouse/boyfriend too old or too young (or too much or not enough of something).    There can always be something that doesn't match what they want something to be.

I've had a similar code in the work place.  Some people gossip and some people love to talk about someone behind their back and criticize.  I've never gone to someone and told them that so and so said this or that about them.  I've always thought that someone who does that is trying to instigate trouble or is just a gossip. There is nothing good to come from it, so I let it go without validating or repeating the comment.

Your sister may be playing the part of the prosecutor, but it sounds like your brother is playing the part of the rescuer.  How is your brother contacting you every day (call, text, email?).

Check out the link on the drama triangle and see if you agree on the roles:  You as the victim, your sister as the prosecutor (perhaps by proxy) and your brother as the rescuer?  

Life could be a lot simpler if you set boundaries with both siblings.  I'm thinking your sister needs to stop coming to you about things she hears your mom say.  If everyone has someone coming to them and telling them every negative things someone said about them, we'd all be fighting.

Your brother needs some boundaries as well. Sounds like you have tried to tell him you don't want to talk about when you might call your parents.  You need to enforce your boundary by terminating the conversation as soon as he brings up the topic.  i.e.  I need to let you go.  We can chat another time about something other than when I might call mom.  (then hang up).  It it's a text message or email, don't answer it.

Boundaries are no good without consistent enforcement.  What do you think about telling your sister that you don't want her to come to you and tattle about negative comments your mom makes?

Sounds like there are multiple issues with all family members.  Boundaries and communication skills can make things better.  Changes take time.  How you communicate can make a big difference. and not invalidating (and validating) can make things better.

Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!