Saying hello

[Friensha]

My son's girlfriend has been diagnosed with BPD, depression and anxiety. I took her in when she was 15 because her parents had chucked her out. Her mother has MS and claimed her daughter's behaviour was causing her so much stress it was making her MS worse. They called the police to get her evicted from the family home.

My son was 16 at the time and told me that if I wasn't prepared to shelter his new girlfriend they were going to run away and find somewhere else to stay or if not, live on the streets. I couldn't in all conscience allow two teenagers - especially a 15-year-old girl - to end up god-knows-where or possibly sleeping rough, so reluctantly I let her stay. I imagined it was a temporary arrangement because the crisis would be resolved, but fourteen years later she is still living with me.

I am 64 now. I retired at the age of 58 because my job was making me ill. I've been a 'single parent' to two people for the last 14 years.

My son is 30. He sometimes works and sometimes not. He is highly intelligent but he also has psychological problems, probably ADD or ADHD although he has never been diagnosed. When he was at school he was referred to the psychological support team three times and I resisted their attempts to label him and then probably medicate him - so perhaps it's my fault he now finds it so hard to conform and stick at a job. He suffers from bouts of mania followed by disappointment and then prolonged depression - it would not surprise me if he was diagnosed as bipolar.

His girlfriend's behaviour has deteriorated over time. She takes medication and is in contact with local 'Wellbeing' services but they don't appear to help too much. She has a permanent job but at the time of writing this, she has only worked for two weeks since the beginning of November. She has been off sick with depression.

Neither of them give me any money for board, or at least not regularly and it always provokes an argument when I broach the subject.  I don't buy all their food but I reckon it costs me £50 a week to keep them here and I'm on a pension which is way below the average wage - when they don't give me any money, the deficit has to come out of my life savings which are dwindling.

I have offered them cash to move out into a rented flat of their own but both of them have very poor 'credit ratings', no references to offer from previous landlords and are extremely unlikely to be accepted as tenants by any landlord. To be honest, even if they did manage to move out, I don't think they would be able to cope because their lives are too chaotic and always focused on their immediate, moment-to-moment well-being. They have frequent tumultuous rows, often based on money problems, and I suspect my son would be begging me to take him back within a couple of months.

I should add that my son's girlfriend has quite a serious cannabis habit which costs her at least £20 pounds a day. I don't have a 'moral' problem with that but yes, it stinks my house out, I could be prosecuted for it and it makes me angry that this is one of the reasons she can't contribute anything towards the cost of the household bills we should be sharing!

On the other hand, I know she is 'self medicating.' I'm very well-informed about mental health problems. I have a degree in Psychology and have maintained an active interest in the subject for my entire life. I also trained as a social worker and have worked with offenders, people with addictions, homeless people and also taught for eighteen years. The trouble is, none of that helps you to deal with and tolerate someone with mental health problems who you are obliged to live with 24/7.

I have no family. I have a few friends but I can't talk to them about my problems. I only meet them socially and it wouldn't be appropriate. I can't invite anyone round my house because of the cannabis smoking and the potential violent 'rows' so in those circumstances, you have to put your own social life on hold.

I feel completely trapped. I often feel like my only possible solution would be to sell my house and move away - as far away as possible.

I am in a constant state of anxiety because everything I do and everything I say is a potential 'trigger' for one of my son's girlfriend's meltdowns which involve her shouting abusively and screaming and dramatically sobbing so loud that neighbours or passers by call the police. That has happened at least half a dozen times. Twice the police have been on the verge of arresting my son for domestic violence and I have had to scream at his girlfriend to show herself to the police and prove she had not in fact been physically abused.

My son's girlfriend blames me for everything that is wrong in her life, but I'm not her jailor. She is free to return home or strike out on her own whenever she pleases, which would enormously please me. I've accepted that if the two of them ever did move out and make a success of it, that would be the last time I ever saw my son. There is no way she would allow him to have any contact with me.

I decided to join this support group because I need help. I need to find ways to cope. Of course I'd like to find better ways to support my son and his girlfriend. I care about both of them but it's like they are a a deux living in a 'bubble' which no-one else can penetrate. I've tried and failed. They impact on my life so much - negatively - and sometimes I just want to scream 'What about me? Am I worth nothing? Am I totally undeserving of a happy life?' At the moment, I regularly phone the Samaritans because they appear to be the only people who feel sympathetic to my situation, but that can't be right - I'm truly not suicidal - just very, very unhappy.

I apologise for the length of my post. If anyone reads it to the end, well thank you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mutt]

Hi Friensha,  



No worries. Don't apologize for the length you said so yourself that it wouldn't be appropriate to talk to friends and by the time you do reach people that you can talk to, there's a lot of us that has probably been going on for years, this forum is a place where you unload those thoughts and feelings without being invalidated. Each of us here have someone that is diagnosed with BPD or displays BPD and mental illnesses comorbid with BPD, doctors don't know why BPD is a mental illness that has to the comorbid mental illnesses attached to it.

‎When he was at school he was referred to the psychological support team three times and I resisted their attempts to label him and then probably medicate him - so perhaps it's my fault he now finds it so hard to conform and stick at a job.

Don't blame yourself, I talked about comorbidity and BPD, ADHD is one of them, BiP, anxiety, depression, PTSD, sometimes there are more then one personality disorder as well. The disorder is not your fault, maybe he could have been treated for ADHD but what about the other mental illnesses? He can also seek help for himself to get things under control, his behaviors is driven by the disorder, he doesn't have control over that but he has a responsibility to help himself in therapy.

He has to want to help himself, but right now there are incentives to help themselves from what you shared with us, there's no motivation because things are taken care of for him and her. Many of us, including me are fixers and helpers, a pwBPD have dependency issues, they should do things for themselves like adults do. You have a right to be happy and pwBPD will cause those around them to be anxious, have you tried telling them that there's no more room and board ( I know that you said you didn't pay for all of their food) and it would nudge them to find their own place, they have to stand on their own two feet, understandably there would be some backlash, what are their plans, they can't keep doing this forever. What do you think? ‎

[Friensha]

Thank you for your response Mutt.

Yes I have tried to get my son and girlfriend to establish an independent life together. I know it will be difficult for them, psychologically and emotionally, but it could be the making of them and unless they try, we will never know. I have offered them the financial help they might need but to be fair to them, the 'red tape' involved in acquiring rented accommodation is what defeats them rather than the lack of cash and then on top, there are problems within their relationship but - these are clearly related to their individual mental health issues. They love each other - I know they do - and that is why I would love to be able to help them.

They both 'failed' academically despite being highly intelligent. They jumped off the train - and society is very unforgiving of teenagers who make mistakes. My son hit puberty when he was 11. He started having sexual relationships when he was 14. He became 'alternative' and in his eyes, 'cool'. He got into dealing drugs (only cannabis) when he was 14. It earned him a lot of money and it got him popularity and attention. School didn't provide him with the challenge he needed or the rewards he found outside school. His father and I went through hell simply trying to contain him and keep him safe. We were literally, knowing what we did about the world of drugs, trying to ensure he didn't get killed or become hooked on hard drugs and die. His educational achievement became a secondary concern. When my son was 14 his school threatened to take me to court because of his non-attendance. If they had succeeded, I would have lost my job and then our house because it was my mortgage. I was the main breadwinner in the family. My only choice was to educate him at home, using tutors because I had to work full-time. This is why he got such poor qualifications despite being extremely able. One of his teachers during a parent-teacher meeting told me he would be the 'next Bill Gates'. Hah! How funny is that?

My son's girlfriend - who has the diagnosis of BPD - presents as someone who has very high self-esteem but I'm certain it's a mask. Her mother - who has MS - had two boys before she got her diagnosis and then was told that having any more children might exacerbate her condition. She got sterilized but then decided because she really wanted a daughter, she would adopt a female child. The adoption went ahead but almost as soon as she got the baby home, she found her sterilization had 'failed' and she was in fact pregnant again - with H. This pregnancy did indeed cause her physical problems but she was born healthy, just ten months younger than her adopted sister.

I think H's mother resented her intrusion into her life. It's understandable but I think H was raised in the shadow of her adopted sister, like she was an unwanted 'add-on'. Her adopted sister seems to have been a truly 'golden' child. I think I can understand how that might affect a person.

H tends to portray her parents as perfect people, and far more perfect than me. This is clearly not reality. They got the police to evict her from their home when she was 15. I do wonder if perhaps what she needs from me is to be a 'substitute' mother and actually care for her. I have tried but yes, only from a distance. She is not my daughter. I took her in because she was a lost 15-year-old and was my son's girlfriend. In all honesty, I don't want her living in my house. She has never reached out to me emotionally and I have always tried to maintain respect towards her and my son as adults - it's their life, not mine.

But perhaps I'm wrong.