Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
June 23, 2021, 03:23:53 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Depression = 72% of members
Take the test, read about the implications, and check out the remedies.
111
Pages: 1 2 [All]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: One moment I resent her, the next moment I miss her intensely - 1  (Read 3929 times)
FallenOne
Formerly Matt.S
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 321


« on: March 29, 2017, 01:50:24 PM »

I've really been stuck in this mindset lately where some days I resent her, know that I'm better off now, and that I truly didn't deserve what she did... .This mindset makes me feel better.

Then, other days, I suddenly start missing her and I feel guilt stricken and full of regret for the mistakes I made and my choice to break it off a year ago and move out (when she was inpatient mental health)... .This mindset makes me feel truly terrible and is hard to deal with. Usually thoughts of suicide creep up during these thoughts.

My friends and family are confused by this... I'm confused by this... Because, here I am one day, saying how much I dislike my ex and that I hope she feels guilty and I hope she's this and that, and I rant about her to my friends and family. Then I'm suddenly saying, to the same people, how much I miss her and want things to be okay, and wish that I could go back in time and be at a point when things were still good...

I question myself a lot... Am I the one who was mentally ill? Was I really abusive? Do I deserve to be on the receiving end of a vindictive revenge act because I broke up with someone when they needed me most?

The hospital thing is what really has me hurting... The guilt and regret from this choice is overwhelming to me... For anyone who doesn't know my story, exactly 1 year ago I broke up with my BPDex girlfriend of 4 years after she was admitted to inpatient mental health and moved out after we had been living together for a year. I visited her and did this in person. Three months later, I went crawling back to her after some recycle attempts from her over those 3 months... We were on and off all summer while she bounced back and forth between me and my replacement... In December, she discarded me and filed a PFA against me, and is now with my replacement. Just an update for anyone reading/responding to this who doesn't know my story.
Logged
once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 11767



« Reply #1 on: March 29, 2017, 03:43:19 PM »

i feel for you, FallenOne.

there is a middle ground here somewhere. mistakes were made on both sides. demonizing either party is not a path to healing.

work toward forgiving yourself. work toward forgiving her. peace with the pain and the guilt are on the other side. it will take time and effort. hang in there.

Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
FallenOne
Formerly Matt.S
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 321


« Reply #2 on: March 29, 2017, 04:12:41 PM »

work toward forgiving her.

I wanna forgive her, and in a lot of ways I already have... This is on her now... I just wish she would come down from whatever peak she is on and make some sort of peace offering. I don't even want an apology... I just want a neutral peace offering.
Logged
once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 11767



« Reply #3 on: March 29, 2017, 04:17:45 PM »

I just want a neutral peace offering.

i understand. i hope that it happens for you.
Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
g2outfitter
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 137


« Reply #4 on: March 29, 2017, 04:19:28 PM »

The emotions are tough to deal with.  Like you, I find myself missing my exBPD on some days and then completely relieved that she is not in my life on others.  I do struggle because I always assumed she would be a part of my life forever.  I had that thought in my head for the last three years.  Even when she left me for another, I still never gave up on us and in my mind envisioned us always getting back together.  We did get back together for another six months but she ended it again.  As a result, for the first time in three years I have come to the realization that she really is no longer in my life.  It is a pang that comes out of nowhere and shocks my system.

All I can say is this... .you have to get through this somehow.  I agree, that is MUCH easier said than done.  I am addicted to my exBPD as you are.

Below is a quote that I took from one of your previous posts on a different thread.  I suggest you write this down on a piece of paper and read to yourself every time you start having doubts about what you did.  I still wish I could be with my exBPD but I just can't - not the way she is!  I want better for myself, I want something stable.  You do to, and never doubt that.

All BPD relationships end... It doesn't matter if it's a week or 20 years. It doesn't matter what you do, or how you handle it. There was nothing you could have done. It's a battle where neither side wins.
Logged
abraxus
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 101


« Reply #5 on: March 29, 2017, 04:26:47 PM »

I wanna forgive her, and in a lot of ways I already have... This is on her now... I just wish she would come down from whatever peak she is on and make some sort of peace offering. I don't even want an apology... I just want a neutral peace offering.

That's potentially a downward spiral.

In effect it's "settling", much like those who say they'll take someone back after cheating. But the reality is it's hard to settle. If you get what you want, a neutral peace offering, then potentially you'll want more, as then it will seem more possible. And then you're back to square one.
Logged
g2outfitter
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 137


« Reply #6 on: March 29, 2017, 04:30:48 PM »

That's potentially a downward spiral.

In effect it's "settling", much like those who say they'll take someone back after cheating. But the reality is it's hard to settle. If you get what you want, a neutral peace offering, then potentially you'll want more, as then it will seem more possible. And then you're back to square one.

That's true.

I currently wish my exBPD would contact me again so I could get some sort of neutral peace offering (or self satisfaction)... .but I know damn well it will lead me to wanting more and the recycle begins.  And I can't have that.
Logged
FallenOne
Formerly Matt.S
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 321


« Reply #7 on: March 30, 2017, 01:21:14 PM »

Would a peace offering really lead to a recycle though?

Why would she just "jump ship" with my replacement just because I wanted a nod and a handshake?
Logged
g2outfitter
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 137


« Reply #8 on: March 30, 2017, 02:43:52 PM »

Would a peace offering really lead to a recycle though?

Why would she just "jump ship" with my replacement just because I wanted a nod and a handshake?

A peace offering wouldn't lead to a recycle - if you didn't want that.  I'm just saying that would be thin ice because what if she contacts you on a day that you are missing her, instead of a day in which you resent her?  Could you keep it at just a peace offering?

She won't jump ship because you want a nod and a handshake... .that is in reverse for BPD.  She would jump ship then get in touch with you to see about that nod and a handshake if she is interested.

I think it's best to remember this... .you couldn't control her actions when she was with you so you sure won't be able to control them now that she isn't.  If you go to her asking for a peace offering more than likely you will get no response or a negative response.  All you can do is wait to see if she ever contacts you again and if she does then you can take the opportunity to make peace if that's what you want.

I know what you're going through because I miss my exBPD more than anything and that is extremely frustrating because I know I can't be with her - it's toxic for me.  I have constant internal turmoil because I desperately want her to contact me, but pray like hell she doesn't .  Right now... .I don't trust myself.  I have enough willpower not to contact her but I don't trust that I have enough to ignore or turn down her advances.  Sux.
Logged
FallenOne
Formerly Matt.S
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 321


« Reply #9 on: March 31, 2017, 03:05:15 PM »

I'm asking this question from the perspective of the BPD initiating NC. My reason for that is I feel that when we (the non's) initiate NC, there are more desperate attempts at reconnecting from the BPD, since they need to do the breaking up and not be broken up with...

But have any of you who have had your BPD initiate the NC, never heard another peep from them again even years down the road?

Any cases where even a year or two later not a single text, phonecall, letter, or even anything subtle? Any cases where the BPD literally just dropped off the face of the Earth?
Logged
Sadly
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Very Single
Posts: 886



« Reply #10 on: March 31, 2017, 03:45:44 PM »

Are there any cases where they literally just dropped off the face of the earth?

Dunno but I wish mine would  Smiling (click to insert in post)
Logged

Never let someone be your priority whilst you remain their option
bus boy
******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 908


« Reply #11 on: March 31, 2017, 04:08:15 PM »

Nothing, just dirt and ignorance. Xw told me out of the blue I was never welcome in her house again, I saw her in the store one day, I said hi and she was her normal ignorant self. She never engages in any civil conversation what so ever in the past 2 years and before that it was a mish mash of sarcasm, feigned niceness and emotional belittling. She did come to me and tell me nobody wants me, she never wanted me, my son doesn't want me that everyone leaves my life bc no one wants me. That's pretty much it so with contact like that why would we want contact? But on the other side of this sick coin, I at this time am finding it extremely difficult dealing with the silent treatment.
Logged
Idsrvt2
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 281


« Reply #12 on: March 31, 2017, 05:22:54 PM »

i will be better to answer in a few months after our cooling off period protection orders are lifted.

mine is reclusive, so only contacts are online.  I know he would mention and online x and how he knew that she moved onto someonelse.  ( I assume at one time he kept tabs on her)

there really were no other xs so i have no clue how he is or what he may do one the PO is lifted.   He mostly just had a few one nite stand type of things.  and one X he said tried to stab him in the back of the head with scissors when he broke up with her ( i now see why)

but he has no one but his online world, no friends nothing... 6 years as a recluse.
Logged
cubicinch
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 148


« Reply #13 on: March 31, 2017, 05:45:23 PM »

my girlfriend asked by text for no further contact, about 5 -6 weeks ago. She'd also text to say we were both free to start dating again and she was planning her summer holiday without me, as though provoking a response. I just text her: okay, thanks. Nothing since. 
Logged
abused by bpd

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 11


« Reply #14 on: March 31, 2017, 07:16:21 PM »

The answer is ABSOLUTELY yes. When the BPD has exhausted all possibilities of manipulation and deceit and the non has uncovered 100% the truth and knows every last thing about the person, the game is finally over. When the non will no longer participate in any of the BPD games; recycling, paint it black, black or white, projection, the grand facade and cover up, no boundries, no compassion, no reciprication, etc. When the non has come to terms with all of this and calls out and confronts the BPD on all of it. Then the evil nightmare is finally over. The BPD is like a wild monkey trapped in a box. There is nothing left for the BPD to feed it's evil on. Then and only then, when the BPD is convinced everything has been found out and blocked, it will never be heard from again.
It then becomes time for the BPD to find another victim. Best of all, the non is finally free to become themselves again and have a real life. The biggest blessing a victim of BPD can ever have. To be free once and for all.
Logged
Huh?
****
Offline Offline

Posts: 327


« Reply #15 on: March 31, 2017, 07:58:21 PM »

First Cluster B relationship - She ended it 6 years ago.  Never heard from again.  I saw her last year at the gym for the first time... .I was running on the treadmill, she was running around the indoor track which passed 3 feet behind me.  She acted like I didn't even exist... .for dozens of laps until I was done with my run.  It was the weirdest feelimg ever... .like one of us was a ghost in some sort of alternate reality.

Most previous waif/hermit ex - haven't heard from her in 8 months since the day of the final split. I ended it after she pushed me away to the point where I was feeling only bitterness towards her and it became a one sided relationship on my part.  In the past short "breaks" we had, she would just continue doing all of our activities that we shared together... .with someone else.  Assume she's doing that now.
Logged
Huh?
****
Offline Offline

Posts: 327


« Reply #16 on: March 31, 2017, 08:02:51 PM »

The answer is ABSOLUTELY yes. When the BPD has exhausted all possibilities of manipulation and deceit and the non has uncovered 100% the truth and knows every last thing about the person, the game is finally over. When the non will no longer participate in any of the BPD games; recycling, paint it black, black or white, projection, the grand facade and cover up, no boundries, no compassion, no reciprication, etc. When the non has come to terms with all of this and calls out and confronts the BPD on all of it. Then the evil nightmare is finally over. The BPD is like a wild monkey trapped in a box. There is nothing left for the BPD to feed it's evil on. Then and only then, when the BPD is convinced everything has been found out and blocked, it will never be heard from again.
It then becomes time for the BPD to find another victim. Best of all, the non is finally free to become themselves again and have a real life. The biggest blessing a victim of BPD can ever have. To be free once and for all.


Pretty much this.  Spot on in my experience.
Logged
hopealways
aka moving4ward
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 725


« Reply #17 on: March 31, 2017, 08:10:45 PM »

It is true that if the non is the NC initiator there is a much greater chance for the BPD to want you back.
BUT when you have truly uncovered their lies an deceits, caught them red handed, it is also true that they will think twice before recycling because they just know it is going to be an inefficient use of their resources.
Logged
cubicinch
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 148


« Reply #18 on: April 01, 2017, 02:01:34 AM »

The answer is ABSOLUTELY yes. When the BPD has exhausted all possibilities of manipulation and deceit and the non has uncovered 100% the truth and knows every last thing about the person, the game is finally over. When the non will no longer participate in any of the BPD games; recycling, paint it black, black or white, projection, the grand facade and cover up, no boundries, no compassion, no reciprication, etc. When the non has come to terms with all of this and calls out and confronts the BPD on all of it. Then the evil nightmare is finally over. The BPD is like a wild monkey trapped in a box. There is nothing left for the BPD to feed it's evil on. Then and only then, when the BPD is convinced everything has been found out and blocked, it will never be heard from again.
It then becomes time for the BPD to find another victim. Best of all, the non is finally free to become themselves again and have a real life. The biggest blessing a victim of BPD can ever have. To be free once and for all.
only with my ex gf for about 4 months, but I found her out and started confronting her in that time. In my case, I agree, once I questioned what the hell was going on with her, she had nowhere to go with all the lies and behaviour but to disappear forever. Or so I hope.
Logged
FallenOne
Formerly Matt.S
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 321


« Reply #19 on: April 01, 2017, 11:26:21 PM »

How many more of you were glued to your BPD 24/7? Were you together so much that you had trouble living your own life and having your own friends, seeing your own family and such?

In the beginning, it was especially like this for me... And even more so when we lived together.

I've noticed that my BPDex and my replacement are together 24/7 and might as well be the same person. They're glued at the hip.

Is this usually how all BPD relationships are? Does this trigger fear of engulfment in them?
Logged
g2outfitter
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 137


« Reply #20 on: April 01, 2017, 11:36:19 PM »

Of course they are together 24/7... .just like the majority of BPD relationships.  Just like yours.  Just like mine was.  It's two fold, part of the idealization plan and partly because the BPD hates being alone.

My exBPD wasn't afraid of engulfment, she didn't want to spend a minute apart.  What ended our relationship was when I hit the other end of her spectrum and became devalued.

Nonetheless, I played the role of the puppet through the whole thing.  I was willing to give up family and friends for her - hell, I gave up my life for her.  I thought I was just being a great partner.  A healthy relationship doesn't require you to give up your life, to be a great partner.
Logged
FallenOne
Formerly Matt.S
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 321


« Reply #21 on: April 02, 2017, 12:10:30 AM »

Do you think the behaviors come out more and the devaluation process comes on faster when you live alone together with the BPD?

I feel like when I lived with my parents, and I would hang out there with my ex, she was more balanced out being around other people AND me... I feel like her behaviors came out a lot more when we lived together.

What do you think of this?
Logged
alwayswrong4

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 23


« Reply #22 on: April 02, 2017, 01:05:32 AM »

I wrote about this a month or so ago. When I started dating her we saw each other everyday and then she moved in after a month. From there she started working for me too. I own several businesses. We were together every single day other than maybe a week or two when she went out of state to visit family. She was next to me every single night for nearly two years. I loved it because I loved her and my parents have this type of relationship.

Now I'm left with everyone asking me where she is since for two years everywhere I went she did too
Logged
Aesir
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 187



« Reply #23 on: April 02, 2017, 01:12:18 AM »

I feel the same way. I resent her and the things that I allowed her to put me through but I miss her presence and talking to her too.
Logged
Sadly
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Very Single
Posts: 886



« Reply #24 on: April 02, 2017, 01:45:39 AM »

Yes, we were. In the beginning as is sometimes true in non BPD relationships we couldn't bear to be apart. The honeymoon period that most go through. We were the last things on each others minds before we slept and the first thing when we woke, our texts bore that out. For two years, we lived in either of our homes, holidays, you name it even though a lot of that was unhappy in so many ways, as you know, i kept hoping he would fall back in love with me but he had to know where I was every minute. I was rarely with friends and when I was he constantly texted me, how long will you be etc. If I was driving back from somewhere, constantly, whats your ETA, where are you now. If we were staying at his home and I had gone back to mine to clean, do laundry etc, constant texts, if I said 2 hours and was back in 2 hours 5 minutes there was serious sulks and disreugulation, sometimes black anger and verbal abuse I got worn out trying to rush my own bits of life to fit in with his/ours.
It was stressing, unhealthy and oppressive. Before we split up the last time I wrote this to him:

When I met you became my first thought on waking and the last before I slept. That has never changed, but then it was with joy and happiness, now and for a long time it has been with a sense of loss and sadness. You were my person and I loved you with all my heart.

He didn't reply.

Love from
Sadly x
Logged

Never let someone be your priority whilst you remain their option
marti644
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 312


« Reply #25 on: April 02, 2017, 03:32:25 AM »

We were glued to the hip five to six days a week. I never noticed till after the discard the passive aggressive ways she mentioned how I didn't want to see her for one day a week (so I could relax at home or go out with other friends). I just took it as signs of her love for me (which in her way it is love), not as a warning sign of abandonment issues.

What a complicated mess it is to date someone with BPD! I am not perfect and am a Rank 1 co-dependent but navigating through the disordered thought process is mind-boggling! Glad it's over.
Logged
WhoMe51
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 161


« Reply #26 on: April 02, 2017, 08:02:36 AM »

When I first met my exBPDgf, I had just came out of a marriage where there was no common interest.  My ex wife didn't enjoy anything that I did. And then I met my exBPD.  She was great.  She enjoyed everything that I did.  I couldn't believe I had gotten so lucky as to find someone like her.  We went to the gym together.  We went to the store together.  We did everything together.  It felt like a dream come true.  I didn't even take the time to think this isn't healthy.  It just felt right.  Especially after coming out of a loveless marriage. 

After 3 months we moved in together.  And for the next 2 years, things started dropping off.  I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong.  She started complaining more.  She stopped doing so much with me and we became like strangers.  I eventually moved out of my own house, but I still dated her.  As I look back and type this, what a mess.  But I couldn't let go.  I kept trying to get back to the honeymoon phase. 
Logged
Breathe066
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Posts: 78



« Reply #27 on: April 02, 2017, 08:56:16 AM »

Sadly, what you said-- " I got worn out trying to rush my own bits of life to fit in with his/ours"-- is the most eloquent description of my relationship with my BPD husband that I have ever encountered.
I would actually become anxious if an old acquaintance attempted to talk to me at the grocer because I knew any chat would hold me up for several minutes and that he would be counting the time until I got home. If I said I'd run into an acquaintance, that would open up a whole new world of seething anger and insecurity, regardless of the person's gender. Female friendships were not allowed just as much as male friendships were not because any relationship outside of ours, even my relationship with my child, made him feel edged-out and less important.
He was also, and actually continues to be, the last thing I think of when I sleep and the first I think of when I wake. I love him deeply and I miss him just as deeply. I know he couldn't help the insanity that our relationship was. I also know that I did not always react in the best way. But it wouldn't have mattered because I always reacted "wrong."
The togetherness was initially great and he excused the isolation by saying we needed to "honeymoon" as all lovers did. But we never progressed to the next stage of a mature relationship--the phase where one feels secure and comfortable and so can venture out in the world and make friends without it becoming the launch for a massive, violent set-to. I think that's why pwBPD have so many relationships: The first phase looks just like the first phase of anyone else's great romance, it's the second phase, the settling in and opening up to the world, that reveals the pwBPD's inability to exist in a peaceful relationship, their intense need for conflict in order to keep the non-BPD off balance so they can control them. By constantly introducing new drama, the pwBPD keeps their victim status fresh, renewing the non-BPD's role as "guilty party" and keeping them always in a state of penitence so they don't get any ideas about being on equal footing. My husband talked more about "parity" than I've ever heard in my life elsewhere, but what he meant by parity was actually talionic--any perceived infraction on my part would be met with devastating "equality."
The need to stick together like glue, I think, was motivated by his need to make damn sure there were no "threats"--as he perceived almost anyone as a threat to our relationship. It was smothering and oppressive. Oddly, he knew that and would talk about how we needed to get out more and have our own time, but in practice it never worked. If my picking up a loaf of the bread at the store could result in his enraged walking out and threat of divorce, I can only imagine what would have happened if I had actually gone to an event with a friend (if I had had any friends). It is equally true that he could not enjoy recreational time away from me because of his need to know what I was doing and who I might be with. He did try to get involved in hobbies, but he would leave gatherings early to hurry home to make sure I wasn't cheating. A thoroughly miserable way to live.
That controlling, smothering manner all makes sense in view of the pwBPD's terrifying insecurity, but it usually results in exactly the thing the pwBPD most fears--abandonment--because a healthy person won't stand for it. Even a co-dependent like me "got worn out" with it.
Logged
Tlw300300

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 13


« Reply #28 on: April 02, 2017, 09:08:13 AM »

I think is is very common. I never experienced the devaluation phase because I am always the one the gets engulfed and has to have space. That sends the BPD into terror. She believes this 24/7 is normal and if you don't want that you're not normal. We are on our third and final breakup in 3 years.
Logged
Sadly
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Very Single
Posts: 886



« Reply #29 on: April 02, 2017, 09:18:54 AM »

Breathe
and the rest of your post exactly describes the reality my life was with him too. I am quite a loner but have a couple of friends slightly older than me, a really lovely genuine couple and we think the world of each other. He met them, liked them I think despite I believe not wanting to and then ever after refused to join in with any meals out or get together's. Fortunately and despite the trouble it caused me I still managed to get with them though not as much as before I met him. This time last year when they called over to my house with birthday presents and their new puppies to show me he refused to come, he said, they are your friends not mine and then proceeded to bombard me with texts, like, are they still there, have they gone yet. So uncomfortable. At least yesterday when they came for an hour I had a nicer time without the pressure. Well, before his nasty texts started anyway.
Logged

Never let someone be your priority whilst you remain their option
once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 11767



« Reply #30 on: April 02, 2017, 10:08:04 AM »

spending a lot of time together is pretty common at the start of a relationship, or the honeymoon stage. from there, couples vary in how much time they like to spend together, and the kind of time they like to spend together.

as an introvert, for example, i love spending time with my partner, in lots of different ways. but i require space, privacy, time with friends and my hobbies, no matter how much i enjoy my partner.

a lot of our relationships ventured into what is called "enmeshment". enmeshment is unhealthy. its not all about spending too much time together - some couples spend a lot more time together than would be for me, and its fine for them. some couples fight a lot, but maintain a healthy and productive relationship.

enmeshment comes at the expense of the self. it may include neglecting friends or hobbies. it may include absorbing all of your partners issues, or over reliance and dependence on them with yours. it may be born out of insecure attachment style, fear of being alone, poor boundaries, etc.

dangers of enmeshment: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=174166.0
dealing with enmeshment and codependence: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111772.0



Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
marti644
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 312


« Reply #31 on: April 02, 2017, 10:14:35 AM »

 Absolutely! I knew something was wrong but didn't act when I started cancelling any other event to be with her, either because she made me feel so good, or I was worried about her being alone, or I wanted to make her stop being mad at me. Not healthy. It is so great to be finding myself again!
Logged
Breathe066
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Posts: 78



« Reply #32 on: April 02, 2017, 11:53:31 AM »

Sadly,
Sounds all too familiar. I lost every friend I had in the course of our relationship. Even friends I had since childhood. He still had his. I've always wondered how that works with pwBPD. How on earth do they manage to keep friends? His were all long distance or they were drinking buddies. Maybe that's how.
The best way I have found to deal with the peculiar, conflicted loneliness the pwBPD leaves behind is to hope for the best for the pwBPD and really, radically comfort and care for yourself. You don't have to hope for their best right away. Anger is perfectly acceptable and I definitely feel it right now. But even under my anger, I truly want him to to be healed and do better (I continue to harbor an irrational hope that he will seek the professional help he needs and we can reconcile).
I am also trying to reach out and make friends. In fact, I think I'm freaking out all the neighbors with my invites and impromptu conversations because I was never "allowed" to have anything to do with them when he was here.
Let me clarify that: It was never, ever the case that he didn't "allow" me to do things. What he would do is become enraged or "completely devastated" if I did things he didn't like, like visit a sibling, call a girlfriend, help a neighbor with a task like collecting mail during holiday. He didn't want me to have anything to do with anyone, but if he'd said ":)on't do that" he couldn't have continued to play the victim. By not saying "don't do it," he could maintain the victim role and get the added bonus of making me walk on eggshells because I didn't know what might set him off--over time, of course, I figured it out.
He once got upset because, he said, I seemed so happy and bouncy. I have never forgotten that. He believed I was happy because of someone else, so seeming happy was something I couldn't do without igniting his anxiety. When I finally said "I think you don't like it when I'm happy," which, believe me, took a lot of guts because anything that smacked of criticism was not tolerated, he became absolutely, destructively enraged.
I was never really sure why that or most of the other things that set him off earned his rage. It was always very hard for me to figure out exactly what enraged him. I still don't understand what it was that enraged him so much that he finally left for good. His explanations could be hard to follow.
I am off to do some things I enjoy now. I hope that you will do the same. Be strong, don't blame yourself. Love yourself with strong, protective, tolerant love.
Logged
Sadly
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Very Single
Posts: 886



« Reply #33 on: April 02, 2017, 12:04:22 PM »

Thanks Breathe
mine didn't have any friends. He had mates that he worked with but he didn't go out with them. He talked of past friends in his teenage years and things they got up to and he kept in contact with a few on Facebook but he didn't socialize or go out. He got drunk every night, admitted alcohol was a big problem. We used to go out to a couple of pubs when we first started seeing each other and had some great times but when the devaluation started that gradually stopped. He would get enraged that some guy was fancying me and I was encouraging it, they weren't and I wasn't. In another it was a girl that fancied me, she might have done but I didn't. It all got too exhausting so in the end we just didn't go. No friends, only me. So sad.
Enjoy your nice things 
Love from
Sadly x
Logged

Never let someone be your priority whilst you remain their option
Breathe066
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Posts: 78



« Reply #34 on: April 02, 2017, 02:18:41 PM »

Sadly,
Actually, that does sound spot on for my husband. Indeed, none of these "friends" was ever actually around. They were like your man's--distant, online, coworkers. He would complain that they weren't very responsive and I didn't know what to say except "people get busy." It was just me from pretty early on in the relationship. A very sad situation for both of us. My heart breaks for my sweet, lonely love. But he swears I'm the enemy right now, so I can't go near him. Even messaging that I've taken on the full burden of the building society bill so he can forego the halving is fraught with worry that he might react badly. If I stick a heart emoticon on it or ask "How are you doing?" I'm likely to get a "Like you give a f#ck!" which will be followed by rounds of texting about how everything is my fault. Ugh... .It hurts. But I am old enough to know it gets better.
I also doubt my ability to give the kind of validation a person with BPD requires. My usual "I get where you're coming from. Have you ever thought maybe... ." that works at work doesn't cut it at all with him.
I wonder if it would be different if you met your pwBPD in a group of friends originally.
Logged
Sadly
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Very Single
Posts: 886



« Reply #35 on: April 02, 2017, 02:41:07 PM »

Group of friends, No, I don't think it would to be honest. He would probably have been the same. Once he had a focus on you/me he would isolate us. At first it's like wow, they are so into us and only us, they make you feel like the one they have been looking for, special, don't want to share with anyone. That's the first hook, it was with me. I get the feeling if he had had friends eventually when the devaluing started it would be ok for him to go out with them, but not you/me. The same would not apply to any of our friends though. Don't know, might be wrong but it seems that way.
Logged

Never let someone be your priority whilst you remain their option
vortex of confusion
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3234



« Reply #36 on: April 02, 2017, 02:59:27 PM »

enmeshment comes at the expense of the self. it may include neglecting friends or hobbies. it may include absorbing all of your partners issues, or over reliance and dependence on them with yours. it may be born out of insecure attachment style, fear of being alone, poor boundaries, etc.

I don't think this can be emphasized enough.

It helps me to better understand why there were times when our togetherness was okay with me and then there were times when our togetherness felt suffocating. The times it felt suffocating were the times when I was putting him and his needs ahead of my own.

I think it is important for me to identify when and how it went from really enjoying his company to feeling like I was putting myself aside to take care of him. That, I think, is the key to figure out. If you look at glued to the hip 24/7 as some kind of huge red flag, then it might put a negative spin even on the good times. I have been wracking my brain trying to figure out why I didn't do more stuff on my own. I don't think he ever directly came out and said that I couldn't do things on my own. It was usually his disappointment or butthurt that stopped me from doing it. Even now that he has been out for a year, he gets this dejected look when he finds out stuff what the kids and I have done without him.

And then, there were times when he wouldn't say I couldn't do things on my own but what I would come home to would make me wish that I had just stayed home. I went on a mom's night out one time. (The first time I had been out by myself in over a year, maybe two, and he gives me a lecture about when to be home like I was some kind of party girl.) Needless to say, I didn't try that again. And then, there was the time when he got a job in another state and I wanted to stay behind with the kids so I could finish packing and doing stuff to get the house ready to sell. It made good sense for me to stay behind. He insisted that we go even though it meant living with his parents with 3 kids in a smallish house. I should have stood up to him and insisted that it would be okay if he went without us. I gave in because I could see the utter look of panic on his face at the thought of being separated from me and the kids.

He would play on my empathy and sympathy. I am a pushover and he knew it. He didn't have to say that I couldn't do things. He would just get pouty and I knew to back down. Is that on him or me? Either way, the net result was that I didn't get the space to be my own person apart from him.

Logged
GlitterBug
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 71


« Reply #37 on: April 02, 2017, 04:15:02 PM »

I'm asking this question from the perspective of the BPD initiating NC. My reason for that is I feel that when we (the non's) initiate NC, there are more desperate attempts at reconnecting from the BPD, since they need to do the breaking up and not be broken up with...

But have any of you who have had your BPD initiate the NC, never heard another peep from them again even years down the road?

Any cases where even a year or two later not a single text, phonecall, letter, or even anything subtle? Any cases where the BPD literally just dropped off the face of the Earth?

I am 3yrs NC which was enforced by the pwBPD and not a single call, text, email... .nothing.

The only contact I have had was third hand 2yrs ago- We had booked to go to a concert before it all went sour. She got her daughters father to text me asking for the £20 back for the ticket.

I was amazed as during our 20yr friendship, I spent much more than £20 cleaning up her financial messss; paying rent she had spent in the pub, buying college books so she could study for a better life (that didnt last), putting food in her fridges buying her cigarettes, buying nappies and clothes for her child... .I could go on and on.

But no, not a single piece of direct contact from her or any of the mutual friends she has managed to turn against me.

I got married recently and decided to re-join Facebook after a couple of years of absence, my surname is now different and it didn't occur to me to find her and block her as I figured she wouldn't know me now as my name has changed.

Turns out I was wrong, she must've seen a comment of mine on an old school friends post or something, because when I did search for her to block her (my hubby recommended I do it to safeguard myself), she had already found and blocked me.

Clearly she has no intention of coming back into my world and I am more than ok with that Smiling (click to insert in post)
Logged
wellwellwell
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 57



« Reply #38 on: April 02, 2017, 10:27:19 PM »

Passive / hermit BPDxw and barely a word since she screamed abuse at me on the phone six months ago and promptly blocked my (my!) number. Didn't find out until I needed some health coverage information a week or two later. Since then only one aggresive email but mostly limited admin. Not a typical case, and she was high functioning / invisible, but it does happen.
Logged
Infern0
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1520


« Reply #39 on: April 03, 2017, 05:47:14 AM »

In the past, times when she initiated NC she would go back on it within 2 weeks every time.

This most recent time it was me who initiated NC and i went pretty hardcore and blocked her on everything (however if she really wanted to break the NC there are plenty of ways so id say she didnt care too much) and its been apmost 7 months.

Although i did see her atound xmas time when she purposley walked VERY slowly past my workplace.

Overall though from all my research and also just common sense its incredibly likely we will all hear from them at some stage, but its best not to worry about it and just focus on what you can control, which is you.
Logged
Tottie

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 23


« Reply #40 on: April 03, 2017, 06:02:35 AM »

I dont know i blocked her
Logged
AustenJ
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 212



« Reply #41 on: April 03, 2017, 11:03:31 AM »

my diagnosed exBPDgf discarded me... .but we work together in a small organization so the chance of seeing her daily is always a possibility, which I think in some ways makes it easier for her to try and recycle me, even though she dumped me. Initially she really wanted us to remain as friends in the workplace, because I could always improve her mood when she struggled every day.

I avoid her totally now... .I'll take routes around her office; I ignore her completely in the hallways (she may still try to say good morning or hello, but I'm totally stone-faced to her and never acknowledge her); all of the men in the organization are my close friends, and they treat her coldly and shut down her attempts to flirt with them; I do not make eye contact with her in staff meetings, even though she will try so she can shoot me a sly smile or wink... .she is just an empty shell of a person and that is how I treat her... .she is a ghost from my past... .nothing more
Logged
Breathe066
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Posts: 78



« Reply #42 on: April 03, 2017, 11:27:58 AM »

Sadly,
I think you're right. My previous relationships tended to be with men who wouldn't have noticed if I had danced around naked with a rabid lemur on my head. The fact that my husband became hyper-focused and actually said he didn't want to share my company with anyone was staggeringly appealing to me. I was important to him! I mattered! I was his! He was mine! Happy, happy, joy, joy.
But it never lightened up. It got worse. Not sharing me soon morphed into feeling like I was being held hostage. We were enmeshed. I think he would've gone there regardless of the community of friends. In fact, my perception of his relationship with me and with the wives before me is that he needed a wife to provide a safe perch from which he could swoop into other relationships that gave him the risk factor he also needed.
His best friend, the person who originally told me he'd been diagnosed with BPD, told me upon my husband's first massive episode and first abandonment of me, "You're not going to like this, but I think he's just bored. He doesn't get bored like we do. His boredom makes him panic." And thus he creates drama and opportunities for risk-taking. What greater risk than risking losing me, the woman who loved and adored him and worked constantly to defend him from the consequences of his behavior?
Although I completely rejected what that friend said at the time--I thought the diagnosis bit was pure conjecture until it got corroborated by a family member--I have never forgotten that statement about his boredom being of a different sort and making him panic.
Logged
Breathe066
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Posts: 78



« Reply #43 on: April 03, 2017, 11:31:52 AM »

Vortex of Confusion,
This sentence of yours: "And then, there were times when he wouldn't say I couldn't do things on my own but what I would come home to would make me wish that I had just stayed home."
Wow. Yep. That's how he trained me. I was the lab rat in the maze. The hallways were all open. Eventually I learned which ones I couldn't go down because doing so would result in a nasty shock. Finally, I just stayed in my box and said "screw the cheese, the pain isn't worth it, I'll just starve."
Logged
Circle
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 517


« Reply #44 on: April 03, 2017, 11:48:55 AM »

"I was amazed as during our 20yr friendship, I spent much more than £20 cleaning up her financial messss; paying rent she had spent in the pub, buying college books so she could study for a better life (that didnt last), putting food in her fridges buying her cigarettes, buying nappies and clothes for her child... .I could go on and on."-GlitterBug

Same story here. Mine initiated no-contact about 6 months ago. Severing me from the family too. No contact; no concern about the effect on their kids. I agree with other's sentiments though. It does free you. I doubt I will hear back from them. Unless they need something. I'll get over it. And, I already have to some degree. It just takes time.
Logged
Breathe066
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Posts: 78



« Reply #45 on: April 03, 2017, 11:51:58 AM »

I understand. I am going through this too despite suffering terrible abuse and humiliation. It makes me feel worse to still care so much, to still miss him so much my stomach hurts. I'm not saying this would work for everyone, but one thing that I have found to be empowering is to re-read all his angry, abusive emails to me. I am so grateful I saved them. They have provided a reality check for me when my resolve is crumbling and I am giving into the painful memories of the good times and the sweetness. Just reading them puts me right back in those moments when I was terrified of him and feeling small and helpless.
That's actually why I like hearing his voice. I will be filled with regret that we have ended, absolutely sick and overwhelmed with the sadness of losing the good parts of him, and then I will call or he will call me and the sound of his voice, the cold, hard, sneering, angry snarl of it, is all I need to take a deep breath and thank every power in the universe for delivering me from that.
You absolutely did the right thing. You said very wisely and truly that all BPD relationships end and there is absolutely nothing you can do. I am a problem solver, so it's very hard for me to accept that I can't possibly do anything to fix him and put us back together. That's the hardest part. But I know it's true.
I wish you strength and peace and beautiful reasons for transcendant joy.
Logged
jambley
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 191



« Reply #46 on: April 04, 2017, 12:36:38 AM »

Mine initiated contact after 6 months, emotionally manipulated me to meet at the pub. Fortunately I was working so couldn't. I was then thanked for not meeting her because she had a great time without me. Selfish to the core.
Logged
FallenOne
Formerly Matt.S
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 321


« Reply #47 on: April 04, 2017, 05:09:25 AM »

My ex never said I couldn't do something. She never said I couldn't hang out with my friends. She never said I couldn't go to the bar. She never said I couldn't go see my parents.

Sometimes she would come with me. Those times were great... After a while she suddenly stopped, and always seemed to want to stay home. But, I still wanted to go do something, and found myself doing it by myself sometimes.

Even though she never said I couldn't go do something, she began acting differently as soon as I went and did something without her... Her mood changed... Usually some type of guilt tripping for doing whatever it is that I did... .EVEN THOUGH she said it was okay...

She said it was okay, but her change of mood, and the constant texting while I was out, and her sour mood upon my return, indicated that it was not okay.

Also, she indicated many times that she "hated being alone" or didn't want to be alone...

She could never explain to me why she didn't want to be alone or hated being alone though, and any attempt to explain it on her part was a confusing mess and I could never understand her reasoning for it until I began reading all of this stuff about BPD.

Logged
Breathe066
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Posts: 78



« Reply #48 on: April 04, 2017, 08:12:55 AM »

My husband would actually encourage me to go out on my own and then, sometimes, he would follow me. I think that only happened a couple of times (once he thought I had seen him and flat out confessed, the other time I did see him and asked what he was doing). Who knows? Could've been more. But what happened every single time was that he would ask me to send him a selfie when I was out. He texted quite a bit and when I said that I needed my time swimming laps to relax and would like to not have to get out of the pool to check my phone for texts every 5 minutes, he had a massive meltdown, said I was distancing myself, called an emergency counseling session, and then, in front of the counselor, claimed that I was "unilaterally changing the rules."
The other thing that would happen every single time I went out without him was that he would grill me, I mean it was a full-out interrogation: "Why aren't you talking about your (trip to the store, gym, meeting, walk with the dog, trip to the doctor, you name it)?" If I said what a normal person might say, "It was nice. Didn't see anybody I knew. Traffic sucked." He would claim I was being evasive and he wanted more details. ":)id you talk to anybody?" No, as I said, there was no one there I knew. "But did you talk to someone new?" Aside from when I checked in with the office staff? No. Why? "Why are you being defensive? I just want to know who you talked to! Why is this so hard? Why are you being defensive? Can't I just know what you did today? I told you what I did!"
And yes, he did tell what he did. He went on and on about drama on his job every day, for hours, and if it appeared that my attention was wandering, then it was cause for him to believe that I didn't care about him. I learned early on that interrupting him was a very serious offense that could actually result in him yelling, screaming, and leaving.
I was married to an infant, basically. I think my husband was pretty far up on the BPD scale in terms of emotional regulation, sounds like your girlfriend wasn't as bad, but still definitely had some anxiety that resulted in limiting your ability to enjoy your own time or even just have your own time.   
Logged
FSTL
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 191


« Reply #49 on: April 04, 2017, 08:55:22 AM »

Mine initiated contact after 6 months, emotionally manipulated me to meet at the pub. Fortunately I was working so couldn't. I was then thanked for not meeting her because she had a great time without me. Selfish to the core.

I made the mistake of having a drink with mine last week after she hinted she wanted a drink and then later (unfortunately I had a few drinks by this stage) she directly asked to meet for a drink. Big mistake.

NC initiated by her would be great as it would save me from having to be her emotional and financial crutch, but we still work together and have some affairs to unwind. We had a month of non contact in February and I felt so much better at the end, only to backslide after she came back from holidays.
Logged
FSTL
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 191


« Reply #50 on: April 04, 2017, 09:01:08 AM »

"I avoid her totally now... .I'll take routes around her office; I ignore her completely in the hallways (she may still try to say good morning or hello, but I'm totally stone-faced to her and never acknowledge her); all of the men in the organization are my close friends, and they treat her coldly and shut down her attempts to flirt with them; I do not make eye contact with her in staff meetings, even though she will try so she can shoot me a sly smile or wink... .she is just an empty shell of a person and that is how I treat her... .she is a ghost from my past... .nothing more"

I am really struggling with this at the moment. I think mine wanted to be friends to ease her conscience and maintain an attachment. She reaches out (almost without fail) once a week on some BS work or semi-social issue (although was a lot more last week). Then almost makes a point of pushing me away... .

Even though she ignored me when I broke things off with her and was very hostile (along the lines you have done), I just can't do it and would be concerned about how she might react as a result.

Spoke to my T about it today, and just decided to take a lot longer to respond to her and perhaps bore her so that I become less interesting as a source of emotional soothing for her.
Logged
JRT
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1809


« Reply #51 on: April 04, 2017, 10:49:11 AM »

I'm asking this question from the perspective of the BPD initiating NC. My reason for that is I feel that when we (the non's) initiate NC, there are more desperate attempts at reconnecting from the BPD, since they need to do the breaking up and not be broken up with...

But have any of you who have had your BPD initiate the NC, never heard another peep from them again even years down the road?

Any cases where even a year or two later not a single text, phonecall, letter, or even anything subtle? Any cases where the BPD literally just dropped off the face of the Earth?

Yup! Its been 2 1/2 years. I went away on business and she quietly moved out after having moved in 2 weeks earlier (we ordered our wedding rings the weekend before!). There was no argument or disagreement... .just 'poof'! The last thing I said to her was 'I love you' walking through the airport and she replied in kind. I never heard from her again... .ever.   
Logged
Duped 1
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 409


« Reply #52 on: April 04, 2017, 11:52:13 AM »

My life revolved around my BPD ex gf. I was with her about 5 days a week and yet she would complain constantly that she was all alone and we didn't spend enough time together... .

When we were together she just complained. LOL!
Logged
AustenJ
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 212



« Reply #53 on: April 04, 2017, 12:33:19 PM »

FSTL-

It is a struggle. It is difficult. Especially since we had such a close and positive relationship at work... .our work relationship was positively the most consistent and best part of our relationship... .I was willing to work 10 years past retirement age just so I could work with her. We laughed a lot and worked really well together. After she discarded me and replaced me, she still wanted us to be work friends (friendly at work, go out for drinks with coworkers)... .but when I asked her why it was important to her that we remain close work friends, she responded, "I don't know." It's like a 4-year-old trying to explain the importance of friendship. They simply cannot do it. She still wanted the attachment even though she was sharing someone else's bed. Still makes me sick at times. It is tough... .I know exactly what you are going through... .

But I deserve so much more than just a work friend. I wanted it all. I wanted to marry her. I deserve better. The work friendship only came with the full package. I'm not an alacarte relationship where she can just pick and choose the best parts... .she will not be able to triangulate with her new victim. I will not allow it.

It's everything or nothing. She chose nothing. So I treat her as nothing. I have to protect myself. She is toxic. She has destroyed dozens of relationships before me, and she will destroy dozens of relationships after me. We were nothing special. I was nothing special. She is definitely nothing special to any one, ultimately. It's tragic for her, but I have moved on. I wish you courage in your journey. You got this!
Logged
Icefog
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 61


« Reply #54 on: April 04, 2017, 04:13:44 PM »

My ex BPD broke up with me by text about three months ago after a three year relationship. No contact since. Before she did this I had identified traits that were concerning to me. When I did this I could seeing her splitting and disengaging emotionally. It was very obvious. She said relatively little to me the three times I attempted to address the BPD traits... .and then she was gone... abruptly and without any further contact. My thoughts are that when I identified her traits and her behaviors and wanted her to look at them that this was too threatening for her and instead of problem solving or communicating what was going on for her she chose to leave. I also believe she was grooming another as is her pattern and quite typical of borderlines. For her it is about survival and avoidance of pain. It is also about limited or no ability to generate genuine empathy. Additionally when I got too close to who she really was this was too threatening to her. Also what is notable is she is a high functioning borderline who is very attractive and her outward personality style towards others is a facade and she is very adept at hiding who she really is. I overlooked a lot in this relationship such as her substance abuse, her messed up family of origin that she was enmeshed in, her adopted family that she was not attached to and the conflict she had with them, her trauma history related to her giving a son up for adoption, her many failed relationships(2 marriages and many partners), and her physical environment that she lives in that is quite contrary to how she presents in the "outside world".  Her ex husband called me after she left and stated to me the identical situation that occurred to him... .and they have a child together. He came home one day to his bags packed... .had no idea anything was wrong in the relationship in fact when he was not working he was taking care of their son and her son from a previous relationship while she " took a break"... .which involved going to the bar, partying with other BPD girlfriends that reinforce her behavior and grooming other suitors. Her behavior is pathological and relentless. Its about rendering people insignificant and disposable. She does not discriminate and does it with friends, family and partners and it will not change. I'm not expecting any further contact although I play that out in my head regularly and have to use a lot of self talk as I would be vulnerable if it ever happened.  What is also interesting is that we work together peripherally and have to have regular contact... .to her it is like our relationship never happened  or so it seems... .its about her taking out what she believes is the trash and rendering someone insignificant.     
Logged
vortex of confusion
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3234



« Reply #55 on: April 04, 2017, 05:05:54 PM »

My life revolved around my BPD ex gf. I was with her about 5 days a week and yet she would complain constantly that she was all alone and we didn't spend enough time together... .

I think ex would mistake quantity for quality. We would be together all of the time yet it still felt like he wasn't there. Instead of checking in, he would want to spend MORE time together. I didn't want more time. I wanted him to check in. It seemed like the lights were on but nobody was home. At one of his first counseling sessions, he came home and told me that the counselor got onto him and said that he needed to make eye contact and pay attention to her. These were things that I had been saying for a while. He just wasn't there mentally.

His solution was to spend MORE time together. The solution I wanted was for him to check in and actually see ME rather than whatever fantasy he had in his head.

After a while, I would check out too because that seemed to be the only way to be around him without things escalating. I would sit and listen to him drone on and would sing "This is the song that doesn't end" in my head. It is a toxic dynamic and I contributed to it because I didn't set boundaries and I was as enmeshed as he was.

I think part of being enmeshed is what causes the feelings of being alone even though the other person is there. Of course, they are going to feel alone because the two of you are not separate individual beings. Being with you was just like being alone because there was no separation. At least that is my take on it.
Logged
Breathe066
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Posts: 78



« Reply #56 on: April 05, 2017, 11:38:03 AM »

VoC,

Familiar: "After a while, I would check out too because that seemed to be the only way to be around him without things escalating. I would sit and listen to him drone on and would sing "This is the song that doesn't end" in my head. It is a toxic dynamic and I contributed to it because I didn't set boundaries and I was as enmeshed as he was."

Brilliant: "I think part of being enmeshed is what causes the feelings of being alone even though the other person is there. Of course, they are going to feel alone because the two of you are not separate individual beings. Being with you was just like being alone because there was no separation. At least that is my take on it."

Just brilliant. That really is a perfect way to describe it. Yes, it feels very lonely to be enmeshed because you are alone. The other person has drowned inside of you or vice versus. There is no "other" person there. They are you, you are them, and it is like all the anxiety has doubled while the comfort has halved.
Logged
DaddyBear77
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 623



« Reply #57 on: April 24, 2017, 01:15:21 PM »

This thread has reached its posting limit. This conversation is continued here. Have a great day.

Staff only
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2021?

Pages: 1 2 [All]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2021 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
Andi1956
Anondad
Cnvi
doghouse
drained1996
EyesUp
Harri
JD2028
lovenature
Mac5
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
old97
P.F.Change
Skip
snowglobe
Swimmy55
Teno
Turkish
wendydarling

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!