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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: We all have a form of Stockholm Syndrome...  (Read 345 times)
FallenOne
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« on: April 24, 2017, 05:37:10 AM »

I see a lot of people on here missing and pining over their BPD ex's, and I know for sure I'm guilty of this too...

But you all need to ask yourselves, why you love and how you can love someone who doesn't really know what love is and who never really loved you?

They never loved you... They treated you like garbage and threw you away like garbage. And you know what? You didn't love them either... Your love for them is the same as the love a heroin addict feels when they inject it into their bloodstream... .They are your addiction.

And here we are longing for them and wishing they would just reach out to us, and wondering how they feel, and wondering about this and that and "I hope they're okay" and they were the love of my life etc, etc...


We know they're sick... But it also takes a sick person to love their enemy.
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marti644
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« Reply #1 on: April 24, 2017, 05:49:40 AM »

Well, we all know what reaching out to them does... I may be projecting some of my negative feelings for my ex here, but we all know what happens when you reach out to them... They take that as you saying "Hey! I'm still available! You still have me in your clutches" and it leaves us open to more recycle attempts and mind f**kery... .


In response to your comment on happenedtome's thread. I think its relevant to talk about it concerning this post too.

I agree that when we reach out to our exes that it usually comes to no good for us. I understand your anger, it comes in waves for me to.

But this is a choice if we let it hurt us. We allow people to have power over us because of co-dependency issues usually. Understanding the root causes of my co-dependency is what helps me heal. And at the crux of understanding BPD I realize the most important thing I have learned is not to take my exes behaviour personally. Her projections and anger have nothing to do with me (I am not perfect but the scale of her attacks were beyond disproportionate) and therefore I don't take responsibility for them.

What power does your ex have over you FallenOne? Do you believe the things she said about you and did to you were deserved? Why are you so hurt?

These things are obvious of course but spelling them out in detail has been super important to my healing process.

Marti
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FallenOne
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« Reply #2 on: April 24, 2017, 05:59:14 AM »

I don't believe we're all codependent... I don't believe I'm codependent. I have read into it a lot and I don't fit most of it. While I know most BPD relationships are codependent, I don't believe all of them are, and just because they last a while doesn't mean the partner is codependent.

She has a PFA on my head, so that's the only power she has over me. I have a hearing next month to most likely get it dropped (I have proof that she tried to contact me). I don't care about communication with her, I just want my firearms returned to me. She can go to hell...

No, the things she did/said to me were not deserved... Yes, I played my role in things. Yes, I did not always react well to her outbursts. Yes, I could have handled some situations better.

Why am I hurt? I was betrayed by someone who had me duped and fooled for 4 years and I feel like an idiot for believing her false love and letting her waste my time.

I'm tired of making excuses for these people... .That's all that they do themselves, is make excuses for their behavior, and here we are making me more excuses for them...

"They did messed up things... .but they're disordered." Might be an explanation, but it doesn't make it okay.

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roberto516
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« Reply #3 on: April 24, 2017, 07:10:54 AM »

I've been where you are. The anger and the frustration. How they used us and threw us away. It's so annoying. Last night I had a moment of real anger because I thought of last New Year's with her family. And her niece's husband kept saying "You have a good boyfriend there." "Better hold on to this one." He saw how I loved her. Everyone did. And I meant nothing to her. Just something she could use to fill her ego.

But deep down I'm mad at myself. Mad that I fell for it. Mad that, maybe 2 months into the relationship, I withdrew completely because I realized this therapist I was dating couldn't even talk about or let me express my emotions. I should have run then. But I didn't. And a part of me doesn't like myself for it.

I did and do love her. I don't like to admit that anymore. But if I keep my resentments going it will poison me. I will be just like her. Not telling you that you should feel this way. Because you are entitled to feel how you feel. But I understand it all. Far too well my friend.
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“Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart. The really great men must, I think, have great sadness on earth.”
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« Reply #4 on: April 24, 2017, 08:06:16 AM »

Few, if any, members here have Stockholm Syndrome. I don't know of anyone who has been diagnosed with this. It's a very specific condition. Smiling (click to insert in post)

Stockholm syndrome is a psychological response wherein a captive begins to identify closely with his or her captors, as well as with their agenda and demands.

There is a lot of Internet lore around this. Admittedly, back in 2007, we even carried the self published essay from a rural psychologist that endorsed this idea. Years later, we communicated with experts that quashed this idea.
https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a121.htm

That said, why do you think you have Stockholm Syndrome?
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Aesir
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« Reply #5 on: April 24, 2017, 11:08:50 AM »


"They did messed up things... .but they're disordered." Might be an explanation, but it doesn't make it okay.



Exactly
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« Reply #6 on: April 24, 2017, 11:29:44 AM »

I'm not sure anyone is "making excuses" for BPD. Especially in your case, your ex was diagnosed and institutionalized. She was on the high end of the spectrum of what members deal with here.

I don't believe we're all codependent... I don't believe I'm codependent. I have read into it a lot and I don't fit most of it. While I know most BPD relationships are codependent, I don't believe all of them are, and just because they last a while doesn't mean the partner is codependent.


I think its great that you are reading up!

But what do you think is going on with you? Your ex wasn't hiding mental illness - she was/is really ill.

You were fed up with her the last time she was institutionalized and broke up with her in the hospital. Brutal, but none of us know was going on exactly so we can't (and won't judge).

I think the real questions to ask are:

1) Why did you go back/recycle?
2) Why did you try to sabotage her new relationship?
3) Why did you hope so much for a reunion or even think it possible after the sabotaging? This wouldn't work with anyone.
4) When that failed, why did you flip over to "she's a monster".

Yes, I could have handled some situations better.

It's good that you can see that.

I might also suggest that you could handle this breakup a little more constructively than lashing out at "BPD" (in general) in most of your posts.

When we focus on "BPD population" in general, its usually to avoid facing the more difficult reality of our individual situation.

This (below) is an example:

I'm tired of making excuses for these people... .That's all that they do themselves, is make excuses for their behavior, and here we are making me more excuses for them... .


This is not why you hurt. This is not what is going on in your relationship. It's not whats happening here.

Drill down to YOUR reality. That's where the answer are.
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roberto516
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« Reply #7 on: April 24, 2017, 11:43:37 AM »

I just want to comment one more time.

Fallenone, I don't hear that you necessarily aren't aware of who you are and what you might have done. I sincerely feel like you just might want to know that you aren't alone with this anger. And I'm here to tell you that I too feel the anger. Not as much anymore. The 2nd discard has finally knocked more sense into me than the wonder and yearning for the "good times". But please know that you aren't alone. And it's okay to be angry. Please just allow the anger to tell you what it is there to tell you. Embrace it, and then allow yourself to let it go. If it comes back, which it will, embrace it again. Thank it for being in your life. And let it go again.

I understand your anger. I too lashed out at those who didn't deserve it. Not even my ex deserved it as crazy as that might sound. You aren't alone with what you are feeling. Any advice I give won't help. You have to come to that realization yourself. Maybe that will take some time. That's okay. There's no time table for this stuff.

Just my two cents. Strength and prayers my friend.
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“Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart. The really great men must, I think, have great sadness on earth.”
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