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Author Topic: One moment I resent her, the next moment I miss her intensely - 1  (Read 666 times)
FallenOne
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« on: March 29, 2017, 01:50:24 PM »

I've really been stuck in this mindset lately where some days I resent her, know that I'm better off now, and that I truly didn't deserve what she did... .This mindset makes me feel better.

Then, other days, I suddenly start missing her and I feel guilt stricken and full of regret for the mistakes I made and my choice to break it off a year ago and move out (when she was inpatient mental health)... .This mindset makes me feel truly terrible and is hard to deal with. Usually thoughts of suicide creep up during these thoughts.

My friends and family are confused by this... I'm confused by this... Because, here I am one day, saying how much I dislike my ex and that I hope she feels guilty and I hope she's this and that, and I rant about her to my friends and family. Then I'm suddenly saying, to the same people, how much I miss her and want things to be okay, and wish that I could go back in time and be at a point when things were still good...

I question myself a lot... Am I the one who was mentally ill? Was I really abusive? Do I deserve to be on the receiving end of a vindictive revenge act because I broke up with someone when they needed me most?

The hospital thing is what really has me hurting... The guilt and regret from this choice is overwhelming to me... For anyone who doesn't know my story, exactly 1 year ago I broke up with my BPDex girlfriend of 4 years after she was admitted to inpatient mental health and moved out after we had been living together for a year. I visited her and did this in person. Three months later, I went crawling back to her after some recycle attempts from her over those 3 months... We were on and off all summer while she bounced back and forth between me and my replacement... In December, she discarded me and filed a PFA against me, and is now with my replacement. Just an update for anyone reading/responding to this who doesn't know my story.
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« Reply #1 on: March 29, 2017, 03:43:19 PM »

i feel for you, FallenOne.

there is a middle ground here somewhere. mistakes were made on both sides. demonizing either party is not a path to healing.

work toward forgiving yourself. work toward forgiving her. peace with the pain and the guilt are on the other side. it will take time and effort. hang in there.

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FallenOne
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« Reply #2 on: March 29, 2017, 04:12:41 PM »

work toward forgiving her.

I wanna forgive her, and in a lot of ways I already have... This is on her now... I just wish she would come down from whatever peak she is on and make some sort of peace offering. I don't even want an apology... I just want a neutral peace offering.
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« Reply #3 on: March 29, 2017, 04:17:45 PM »

I just want a neutral peace offering.

i understand. i hope that it happens for you.
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« Reply #4 on: March 29, 2017, 04:19:28 PM »

The emotions are tough to deal with.  Like you, I find myself missing my exBPD on some days and then completely relieved that she is not in my life on others.  I do struggle because I always assumed she would be a part of my life forever.  I had that thought in my head for the last three years.  Even when she left me for another, I still never gave up on us and in my mind envisioned us always getting back together.  We did get back together for another six months but she ended it again.  As a result, for the first time in three years I have come to the realization that she really is no longer in my life.  It is a pang that comes out of nowhere and shocks my system.

All I can say is this... .you have to get through this somehow.  I agree, that is MUCH easier said than done.  I am addicted to my exBPD as you are.

Below is a quote that I took from one of your previous posts on a different thread.  I suggest you write this down on a piece of paper and read to yourself every time you start having doubts about what you did.  I still wish I could be with my exBPD but I just can't - not the way she is!  I want better for myself, I want something stable.  You do to, and never doubt that.

All BPD relationships end... It doesn't matter if it's a week or 20 years. It doesn't matter what you do, or how you handle it. There was nothing you could have done. It's a battle where neither side wins.
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« Reply #5 on: March 29, 2017, 04:26:47 PM »

I wanna forgive her, and in a lot of ways I already have... This is on her now... I just wish she would come down from whatever peak she is on and make some sort of peace offering. I don't even want an apology... I just want a neutral peace offering.

That's potentially a downward spiral.

In effect it's "settling", much like those who say they'll take someone back after cheating. But the reality is it's hard to settle. If you get what you want, a neutral peace offering, then potentially you'll want more, as then it will seem more possible. And then you're back to square one.
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« Reply #6 on: March 29, 2017, 04:30:48 PM »

That's potentially a downward spiral.

In effect it's "settling", much like those who say they'll take someone back after cheating. But the reality is it's hard to settle. If you get what you want, a neutral peace offering, then potentially you'll want more, as then it will seem more possible. And then you're back to square one.

That's true.

I currently wish my exBPD would contact me again so I could get some sort of neutral peace offering (or self satisfaction)... .but I know damn well it will lead me to wanting more and the recycle begins.  And I can't have that.
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FallenOne
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« Reply #7 on: March 30, 2017, 01:21:14 PM »

Would a peace offering really lead to a recycle though?

Why would she just "jump ship" with my replacement just because I wanted a nod and a handshake?
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« Reply #8 on: March 30, 2017, 02:43:52 PM »

Would a peace offering really lead to a recycle though?

Why would she just "jump ship" with my replacement just because I wanted a nod and a handshake?

A peace offering wouldn't lead to a recycle - if you didn't want that.  I'm just saying that would be thin ice because what if she contacts you on a day that you are missing her, instead of a day in which you resent her?  Could you keep it at just a peace offering?

She won't jump ship because you want a nod and a handshake... .that is in reverse for BPD.  She would jump ship then get in touch with you to see about that nod and a handshake if she is interested.

I think it's best to remember this... .you couldn't control her actions when she was with you so you sure won't be able to control them now that she isn't.  If you go to her asking for a peace offering more than likely you will get no response or a negative response.  All you can do is wait to see if she ever contacts you again and if she does then you can take the opportunity to make peace if that's what you want.

I know what you're going through because I miss my exBPD more than anything and that is extremely frustrating because I know I can't be with her - it's toxic for me.  I have constant internal turmoil because I desperately want her to contact me, but pray like hell she doesn't .  Right now... .I don't trust myself.  I have enough willpower not to contact her but I don't trust that I have enough to ignore or turn down her advances.  Sux.
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FallenOne
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« Reply #9 on: March 31, 2017, 03:05:15 PM »

I'm asking this question from the perspective of the BPD initiating NC. My reason for that is I feel that when we (the non's) initiate NC, there are more desperate attempts at reconnecting from the BPD, since they need to do the breaking up and not be broken up with...

But have any of you who have had your BPD initiate the NC, never heard another peep from them again even years down the road?

Any cases where even a year or two later not a single text, phonecall, letter, or even anything subtle? Any cases where the BPD literally just dropped off the face of the Earth?
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« Reply #10 on: March 31, 2017, 03:45:44 PM »

Are there any cases where they literally just dropped off the face of the earth?

Dunno but I wish mine would  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #11 on: March 31, 2017, 04:08:15 PM »

Nothing, just dirt and ignorance. Xw told me out of the blue I was never welcome in her house again, I saw her in the store one day, I said hi and she was her normal ignorant self. She never engages in any civil conversation what so ever in the past 2 years and before that it was a mish mash of sarcasm, feigned niceness and emotional belittling. She did come to me and tell me nobody wants me, she never wanted me, my son doesn't want me that everyone leaves my life bc no one wants me. That's pretty much it so with contact like that why would we want contact? But on the other side of this sick coin, I at this time am finding it extremely difficult dealing with the silent treatment.
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« Reply #12 on: March 31, 2017, 05:22:54 PM »

i will be better to answer in a few months after our cooling off period protection orders are lifted.

mine is reclusive, so only contacts are online.  I know he would mention and online x and how he knew that she moved onto someonelse.  ( I assume at one time he kept tabs on her)

there really were no other xs so i have no clue how he is or what he may do one the PO is lifted.   He mostly just had a few one nite stand type of things.  and one X he said tried to stab him in the back of the head with scissors when he broke up with her ( i now see why)

but he has no one but his online world, no friends nothing... 6 years as a recluse.
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« Reply #13 on: March 31, 2017, 05:45:23 PM »

my girlfriend asked by text for no further contact, about 5 -6 weeks ago. She'd also text to say we were both free to start dating again and she was planning her summer holiday without me, as though provoking a response. I just text her: okay, thanks. Nothing since. 
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« Reply #14 on: March 31, 2017, 07:16:21 PM »

The answer is ABSOLUTELY yes. When the BPD has exhausted all possibilities of manipulation and deceit and the non has uncovered 100% the truth and knows every last thing about the person, the game is finally over. When the non will no longer participate in any of the BPD games; recycling, paint it black, black or white, projection, the grand facade and cover up, no boundries, no compassion, no reciprication, etc. When the non has come to terms with all of this and calls out and confronts the BPD on all of it. Then the evil nightmare is finally over. The BPD is like a wild monkey trapped in a box. There is nothing left for the BPD to feed it's evil on. Then and only then, when the BPD is convinced everything has been found out and blocked, it will never be heard from again.
It then becomes time for the BPD to find another victim. Best of all, the non is finally free to become themselves again and have a real life. The biggest blessing a victim of BPD can ever have. To be free once and for all.
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« Reply #15 on: March 31, 2017, 07:58:21 PM »

First Cluster B relationship - She ended it 6 years ago.  Never heard from again.  I saw her last year at the gym for the first time... .I was running on the treadmill, she was running around the indoor track which passed 3 feet behind me.  She acted like I didn't even exist... .for dozens of laps until I was done with my run.  It was the weirdest feelimg ever... .like one of us was a ghost in some sort of alternate reality.

Most previous waif/hermit ex - haven't heard from her in 8 months since the day of the final split. I ended it after she pushed me away to the point where I was feeling only bitterness towards her and it became a one sided relationship on my part.  In the past short "breaks" we had, she would just continue doing all of our activities that we shared together... .with someone else.  Assume she's doing that now.
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« Reply #16 on: March 31, 2017, 08:02:51 PM »

The answer is ABSOLUTELY yes. When the BPD has exhausted all possibilities of manipulation and deceit and the non has uncovered 100% the truth and knows every last thing about the person, the game is finally over. When the non will no longer participate in any of the BPD games; recycling, paint it black, black or white, projection, the grand facade and cover up, no boundries, no compassion, no reciprication, etc. When the non has come to terms with all of this and calls out and confronts the BPD on all of it. Then the evil nightmare is finally over. The BPD is like a wild monkey trapped in a box. There is nothing left for the BPD to feed it's evil on. Then and only then, when the BPD is convinced everything has been found out and blocked, it will never be heard from again.
It then becomes time for the BPD to find another victim. Best of all, the non is finally free to become themselves again and have a real life. The biggest blessing a victim of BPD can ever have. To be free once and for all.


Pretty much this.  Spot on in my experience.
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« Reply #17 on: March 31, 2017, 08:10:45 PM »

It is true that if the non is the NC initiator there is a much greater chance for the BPD to want you back.
BUT when you have truly uncovered their lies an deceits, caught them red handed, it is also true that they will think twice before recycling because they just know it is going to be an inefficient use of their resources.
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« Reply #18 on: April 01, 2017, 02:01:34 AM »

The answer is ABSOLUTELY yes. When the BPD has exhausted all possibilities of manipulation and deceit and the non has uncovered 100% the truth and knows every last thing about the person, the game is finally over. When the non will no longer participate in any of the BPD games; recycling, paint it black, black or white, projection, the grand facade and cover up, no boundries, no compassion, no reciprication, etc. When the non has come to terms with all of this and calls out and confronts the BPD on all of it. Then the evil nightmare is finally over. The BPD is like a wild monkey trapped in a box. There is nothing left for the BPD to feed it's evil on. Then and only then, when the BPD is convinced everything has been found out and blocked, it will never be heard from again.
It then becomes time for the BPD to find another victim. Best of all, the non is finally free to become themselves again and have a real life. The biggest blessing a victim of BPD can ever have. To be free once and for all.
only with my ex gf for about 4 months, but I found her out and started confronting her in that time. In my case, I agree, once I questioned what the hell was going on with her, she had nowhere to go with all the lies and behaviour but to disappear forever. Or so I hope.
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FallenOne
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« Reply #19 on: April 01, 2017, 11:26:21 PM »

How many more of you were glued to your BPD 24/7? Were you together so much that you had trouble living your own life and having your own friends, seeing your own family and such?

In the beginning, it was especially like this for me... And even more so when we lived together.

I've noticed that my BPDex and my replacement are together 24/7 and might as well be the same person. They're glued at the hip.

Is this usually how all BPD relationships are? Does this trigger fear of engulfment in them?
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« Reply #20 on: April 01, 2017, 11:36:19 PM »

Of course they are together 24/7... .just like the majority of BPD relationships.  Just like yours.  Just like mine was.  It's two fold, part of the idealization plan and partly because the BPD hates being alone.

My exBPD wasn't afraid of engulfment, she didn't want to spend a minute apart.  What ended our relationship was when I hit the other end of her spectrum and became devalued.

Nonetheless, I played the role of the puppet through the whole thing.  I was willing to give up family and friends for her - hell, I gave up my life for her.  I thought I was just being a great partner.  A healthy relationship doesn't require you to give up your life, to be a great partner.
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FallenOne
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« Reply #21 on: April 02, 2017, 12:10:30 AM »

Do you think the behaviors come out more and the devaluation process comes on faster when you live alone together with the BPD?

I feel like when I lived with my parents, and I would hang out there with my ex, she was more balanced out being around other people AND me... I feel like her behaviors came out a lot more when we lived together.

What do you think of this?
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« Reply #22 on: April 02, 2017, 01:05:32 AM »

I wrote about this a month or so ago. When I started dating her we saw each other everyday and then she moved in after a month. From there she started working for me too. I own several businesses. We were together every single day other than maybe a week or two when she went out of state to visit family. She was next to me every single night for nearly two years. I loved it because I loved her and my parents have this type of relationship.

Now I'm left with everyone asking me where she is since for two years everywhere I went she did too
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« Reply #23 on: April 02, 2017, 01:12:18 AM »

I feel the same way. I resent her and the things that I allowed her to put me through but I miss her presence and talking to her too.
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« Reply #24 on: April 02, 2017, 01:45:39 AM »

Yes, we were. In the beginning as is sometimes true in non BPD relationships we couldn't bear to be apart. The honeymoon period that most go through. We were the last things on each others minds before we slept and the first thing when we woke, our texts bore that out. For two years, we lived in either of our homes, holidays, you name it even though a lot of that was unhappy in so many ways, as you know, i kept hoping he would fall back in love with me but he had to know where I was every minute. I was rarely with friends and when I was he constantly texted me, how long will you be etc. If I was driving back from somewhere, constantly, whats your ETA, where are you now. If we were staying at his home and I had gone back to mine to clean, do laundry etc, constant texts, if I said 2 hours and was back in 2 hours 5 minutes there was serious sulks and disreugulation, sometimes black anger and verbal abuse I got worn out trying to rush my own bits of life to fit in with his/ours.
It was stressing, unhealthy and oppressive. Before we split up the last time I wrote this to him:

When I met you became my first thought on waking and the last before I slept. That has never changed, but then it was with joy and happiness, now and for a long time it has been with a sense of loss and sadness. You were my person and I loved you with all my heart.

He didn't reply.

Love from
Sadly x
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« Reply #25 on: April 02, 2017, 03:32:25 AM »

We were glued to the hip five to six days a week. I never noticed till after the discard the passive aggressive ways she mentioned how I didn't want to see her for one day a week (so I could relax at home or go out with other friends). I just took it as signs of her love for me (which in her way it is love), not as a warning sign of abandonment issues.

What a complicated mess it is to date someone with BPD! I am not perfect and am a Rank 1 co-dependent but navigating through the disordered thought process is mind-boggling! Glad it's over.
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« Reply #26 on: April 02, 2017, 08:02:36 AM »

When I first met my exBPDgf, I had just came out of a marriage where there was no common interest.  My ex wife didn't enjoy anything that I did. And then I met my exBPD.  She was great.  She enjoyed everything that I did.  I couldn't believe I had gotten so lucky as to find someone like her.  We went to the gym together.  We went to the store together.  We did everything together.  It felt like a dream come true.  I didn't even take the time to think this isn't healthy.  It just felt right.  Especially after coming out of a loveless marriage. 

After 3 months we moved in together.  And for the next 2 years, things started dropping off.  I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong.  She started complaining more.  She stopped doing so much with me and we became like strangers.  I eventually moved out of my own house, but I still dated her.  As I look back and type this, what a mess.  But I couldn't let go.  I kept trying to get back to the honeymoon phase. 
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« Reply #27 on: April 02, 2017, 08:56:16 AM »

Sadly, what you said-- " I got worn out trying to rush my own bits of life to fit in with his/ours"-- is the most eloquent description of my relationship with my BPD husband that I have ever encountered.
I would actually become anxious if an old acquaintance attempted to talk to me at the grocer because I knew any chat would hold me up for several minutes and that he would be counting the time until I got home. If I said I'd run into an acquaintance, that would open up a whole new world of seething anger and insecurity, regardless of the person's gender. Female friendships were not allowed just as much as male friendships were not because any relationship outside of ours, even my relationship with my child, made him feel edged-out and less important.
He was also, and actually continues to be, the last thing I think of when I sleep and the first I think of when I wake. I love him deeply and I miss him just as deeply. I know he couldn't help the insanity that our relationship was. I also know that I did not always react in the best way. But it wouldn't have mattered because I always reacted "wrong."
The togetherness was initially great and he excused the isolation by saying we needed to "honeymoon" as all lovers did. But we never progressed to the next stage of a mature relationship--the phase where one feels secure and comfortable and so can venture out in the world and make friends without it becoming the launch for a massive, violent set-to. I think that's why pwBPD have so many relationships: The first phase looks just like the first phase of anyone else's great romance, it's the second phase, the settling in and opening up to the world, that reveals the pwBPD's inability to exist in a peaceful relationship, their intense need for conflict in order to keep the non-BPD off balance so they can control them. By constantly introducing new drama, the pwBPD keeps their victim status fresh, renewing the non-BPD's role as "guilty party" and keeping them always in a state of penitence so they don't get any ideas about being on equal footing. My husband talked more about "parity" than I've ever heard in my life elsewhere, but what he meant by parity was actually talionic--any perceived infraction on my part would be met with devastating "equality."
The need to stick together like glue, I think, was motivated by his need to make damn sure there were no "threats"--as he perceived almost anyone as a threat to our relationship. It was smothering and oppressive. Oddly, he knew that and would talk about how we needed to get out more and have our own time, but in practice it never worked. If my picking up a loaf of the bread at the store could result in his enraged walking out and threat of divorce, I can only imagine what would have happened if I had actually gone to an event with a friend (if I had had any friends). It is equally true that he could not enjoy recreational time away from me because of his need to know what I was doing and who I might be with. He did try to get involved in hobbies, but he would leave gatherings early to hurry home to make sure I wasn't cheating. A thoroughly miserable way to live.
That controlling, smothering manner all makes sense in view of the pwBPD's terrifying insecurity, but it usually results in exactly the thing the pwBPD most fears--abandonment--because a healthy person won't stand for it. Even a co-dependent like me "got worn out" with it.
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« Reply #28 on: April 02, 2017, 09:08:13 AM »

I think is is very common. I never experienced the devaluation phase because I am always the one the gets engulfed and has to have space. That sends the BPD into terror. She believes this 24/7 is normal and if you don't want that you're not normal. We are on our third and final breakup in 3 years.
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« Reply #29 on: April 02, 2017, 09:18:54 AM »

Breathe
and the rest of your post exactly describes the reality my life was with him too. I am quite a loner but have a couple of friends slightly older than me, a really lovely genuine couple and we think the world of each other. He met them, liked them I think despite I believe not wanting to and then ever after refused to join in with any meals out or get together's. Fortunately and despite the trouble it caused me I still managed to get with them though not as much as before I met him. This time last year when they called over to my house with birthday presents and their new puppies to show me he refused to come, he said, they are your friends not mine and then proceeded to bombard me with texts, like, are they still there, have they gone yet. So uncomfortable. At least yesterday when they came for an hour I had a nicer time without the pressure. Well, before his nasty texts started anyway.
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