It all makes sense...

[going places]

I was here years ago, losing my mind, getting frustrated, venting, whining, etc... .

My 23 year old daughter, who has not spoken to me since July 18, 2015, who had a baby girl, August 2016 has been diagnosed with BPD, MDD, PPD, and Anxiety.
Her husband has filed for divorce, she threatened suicide w/ a gun, and he now has protective custody of the baby.
This is her 2nd or 3rd 72 hour hold at the psych ward.

I have been to the library and checked out as many books as there are on the topic.
Some made no sense, some seemed to be right on the money.

She falls under the 'low functioning' BPD type.

Where did this come from? Did I pass it to her from pregnancy?
Is this in the genes?
One books said that it is brought on by a traumatic trigger/event?

Who would I look too in real life to sit down and talk too?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Slipping]

Dear Going Places,

I'm so very sorry for everything you are suffering.  I expect that many, if not most, of the parents here will completely understand the grief and guilt.  Is that what you're feeling? It is crushing, and I'm so very glad that you're looking for support.

I was in much the same place a few years ago.  My daughter, uBPD30, is also low-functioning. I found that most counselors, when I explained my situation, would simply roll their eyes when I mentioned "BPD."  The place I found the most help was with a DBT counselor.  He was the most knowledgeable about the science behind BPD, and also understanding about the disorder.

Which books, if you don't mind sharing, did you find to be helpful? The ones that made the most sense to me were "Loving Someone with BPD" and "Overcoming BPD." Some of the other books only made me more angry with my daughter... .not helpful at all.  I was angry enough!

I've read is that the science of BPD is years behind the research for other mental illnesses.  I hope that someday they will know more.  For now, it helps me to remember that for a very long time, the blame for schizophrenia and even autism was placed on the mothers.  And that turned out to be entirely false. There has been no gene identified as the cause; experts seem to believe that our kids are born more sensitive or emotionally vulnerable than most.  Think how parents can have 2 children, raise them the same, but only one develops BPD.

One thing that I've heard repeatedly is that we may never know how we got here, what actually caused it, but we have to find a way to deal with it.  Any guilt will only add to your burden, and it's heavy enough.  I found peace with my own guilt by practicing Radical Acceptance (info available on this site or in the books I mentioned), which allowed me to suffer without so much pain, and then I was able to turn to my spiritual beliefs for true comfort. 

Hope something I've said is helpful. 

Hugs to you,
Slipping

[Mutt]

I'd like to suggest a book too, BPD Demystified.‎

Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified

BPD could be passed down by genes, environmental, and you're right traumatic events that the person experienced in life. I'm sorry that you're going through this, it sounds like you're seeking answers, do you feel guilty for the events that transpired with your D?‎

[going places]

Dear Going Places,

I'm so very sorry for everything you are suffering.  I expect that many, if not most, of the parents here will completely understand the grief and guilt.  Is that what you're feeling? It is crushing, and I'm so very glad that you're looking for support.

Thank you for your compassion.
Grief, yes, guilt, a little, helpless for sure.

I was in much the same place a few years ago.  My daughter, uBPD30, is also low-functioning. I found that most counselors, when I explained my situation, would simply roll their eyes when I mentioned "BPD."  The place I found the most help was with a DBT counselor.  He was the most knowledgeable about the science behind BPD, and also understanding about the disorder.

My oldest, I will call her "K" talks to the youngest, I will call "A".
I will have K ask A if she is seeing a DBT counselor.
After her stay at the hospital, they assigned her a Social Worker and Counsler.
She does (ok, she SAYS) she is "officially" diagnosed as BPD.

Which books, if you don't mind sharing, did you find to be helpful? The ones that made the most sense to me were "Loving Someone with BPD" and "Overcoming BPD." Some of the other books only made me more angry with my daughter... .not helpful at all.  I was angry enough!

Stop Walking on Egg Shells by Paul Mason and Randi Kreger is what I have now.
The Essential Family Guide to BPD (spelled out) Randi Kreger

I've read is that the science of BPD is years behind the research for other mental illnesses.  I hope that someday they will know more.  For now, it helps me to remember that for a very long time, the blame for schizophrenia and even autism was placed on the mothers.  And that turned out to be entirely false. There has been no gene identified as the cause; experts seem to believe that our kids are born more sensitive or emotionally vulnerable than most.  Think how parents can have 2 children, raise them the same, but only one develops BPD.

I have 3.
My oldest, 26, my son 25 are fine.
My 23 year old is the one who suffers.

She was very sensitive as a child. She was ALWAYS my challenge.
I 'thought' she was just following a 'bad example' in her behaviors, as A LOT mirrors her father.
The more I read, the more I wonder.

One thing that I've heard repeatedly is that we may never know how we got here, what actually caused it, but we have to find a way to deal with it.  Any guilt will only add to your burden, and it's heavy enough.  I found peace with my own guilt by practicing Radical Acceptance (info available on this site or in the books I mentioned), which allowed me to suffer without so much pain, and then I was able to turn to my spiritual beliefs for true comfort. 

Hope something I've said is helpful. 

Hugs to you,
Slipping

Jesus is my Rock. I would be dust, without Him.
My guilt lies in a few places... .none of which I can do anything about today, except ask for forgiveness and not repeat.

Thank you so much for your reply.

[going places]

I'd like to suggest a book too, BPD Demystified.‎

Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified

BPD could be passed down by genes, environmental, and you're right traumatic events that the person experienced in life. I'm sorry that you're going through this, it sounds like you're seeking answers, do you feel guilty for the events that transpired with your D?‎

I am seeking answers.

When I was pregnant with her, I had an ultra sound and they told me that they detected 'water' on her brain (they called it water because it was dark).
I said "she's fine".
For 6 weeks I had an ultra sound every week.
They told me to do an amnio... .that she might have Downs... .I said I didn't care, I love her, and she's not going anywhere, so NO I will not.
On the 7th week, it was gone. Clean, clear, just fine.
The doc was baffled.

I don't know if guilty is the word.
Yes, my reaction to a VERY traumatic event was poor... .ok more than poor.
I waited too long to get professional help.
By then, our relationship was so hostile it was suffocating.
Regret is probably a better word.
I wish I would have gotten help sooner so I could have been the rock in the family.

PS: I just ordered the book

[Mutt]

It's a good book, it explains BPD neurobiology although it can get complicated in some spots. You have regret and you're concerned, don't be hard on yourself  Slipping mention Radical Acceptance, I would suggest that for you to, your D is who she is.

[Kwamina]

Hi going places

I am very sorry that your daughter is struggling and even put a gun to her own head. I also know from your other posts that she sadly has struggled with suicidal ideation and has made suicidal gestures before. It is horrible when a loved one struggles like this.

Regret is probably a better word.
I wish I would have gotten help sooner so I could have been the rock in the family.

Once we know better we can do better. Even when doing the best we can, we can still make mistakes or when looking back determine that we could have done better. What's done is done though. We cannot change the past, but we can learn from it and try to use that knowledge in the present as we lay the foundation for a brighter tomorrow. I think it's very positive that you are educating yourself about this disorder

Take care

The Board Parrot