Should I be over all of this by now?

[Larmoyant]

I’m not sure if this should be posted in detaching, but it’s really self-reflecting so I’ve posted it here.

I’m just venting really. Just writing out my thoughts when I woke this morning. I had a very troubled night and woke at 4am. I probably sound like a crazy person, but I just let the thoughts flow and take me where they did.

Towards the ‘final’ ending of the relationship I started getting used to his moods and sometimes when they weren’t off the scale I could handle them. One night I was kicked out of bed and banished to the sofa. I couldn’t sleep so cuddled up with his dog and we watched a movie. He came out several times scowling and looking angry before going back to bed. I think he was checking that I was still there. I find this incredibly sad given what I now know about pwBPD.

I can now understand lots of things which previously made no sense to me like sharing a lovely intimate night together then waking up in the morning with a pillow wedged between us and him getting as far away from me as he could. His swings from loving to hating me happened so fast at times and the effect on me was devastating yet I can’t help feeling such sadness for his suffering. I can see his anguished face now.

Then again, what about the anger and the rages, the insults which crushed my spirit and literally brought me to my knees so that now I don’t recognise the recluse I’ve become. I’ve withdrawn from life, friends and family, doing what I have to, nothing more.   

It’s coming up to 15 months since I ended it. A year since I last saw him. It’s a sad memory as we were both a mess, emotional wrecks. But he never really went away and I kept responding. So we ended up having a year-long break-up characterised by idealization/devaluation and push/pull peppered throughout. We both struggled to let go. I finally instigated NC last December and unlike many here got some closure. He said he cared for someone else now, but he loved me. Confusing as always. I didn't question it. It hurt, but I got to tell him that I loved him too.

I thought it was over. I was determined to give myself space and time to start recovering properly and it worked a little. I started to feel stronger. I do feel stronger. I ignored a few texts, felt sad when he phoned from a ‘private’ number. He didn’t say anything, but I know it was him. He then left a message saying I was being unreasonable not talking to him and I felt sorry for him as it must have taken a lot for him to do this. I responded saying I’d call him the next day. I needed time to gather my thoughts. I rang the next day and he didn’t pick up or call me back. It felt painful like the old, familiar push/pull.That was 3 weeks or so ago now. Silence since then. It set me back. 

I’m back to getting on with my life. I’m writing again, managing to focus, but nowhere near ready to start socialising again. I’ve neglected friends and family. Doing what I have to do, the bare minimum save for my mother who is unwell and fragile. But I have some plans just not quite ready to implement them.

He’s still on my mind. I won’t contact him of that I’m certain, but I’m still ‘attached’, still emotionally enmeshed with him. He has someone else now or so he says. Maybe, maybe not and then for how long? Lots of someones is probably more like it. Why do I care anymore? Why do I find myself waiting for his next call/text/email? Why am I waiting? What am I waiting for exactly? Why am I still so emotionally connected to him?

I wonder if this is connected to my depression which is quite severe? My life literally came to a standstill because of this relationship, but if I don’t start getting up and out I’ll end up dying like this. Is this ‘detachment’ taking too long? Should I be over all of this by now?

[jhkbuzz]

Just a couple of thoughts:

1. I was still pretty messy at the one year mark. Don't be harsh with yourself - the time it takes is the time it takes.

2. I discovered through therapy that the depth of my woundedness after the breakup wasn't all about my ex - our breakup somehow opened old, unhealed wounds from childhood - and it all mixed together to cause me a profound amount of pain. Working through this in therapy was really helpful - I sorted out what was painful about the r/s (there was lots) vs. the pain I brought into the r/s that I needed to heal on my own.

 

[Larmoyant]

jhkbuzz, thank you for your response.

Just a couple of thoughts:

1. I was still pretty messy at the one year mark. Don't be harsh with yourself - the time it takes is the time it takes.

.

My problem is that I worry about others opinions of me and their frustration that this is taking me a long time to recover from. My therapist, who I stopped seeing a few months ago, said that I was 'obsessed' with my ex and what had happened to me and that instead of researching BPD I should go to the library and research something else. I know she meant well, but I was very embarrassed. I wasn't ready to let go yet, and was still trying to understand what had happened. My family and friends also say things such as it's all over now, pick yourself up, etc. Yet this experience was devastating to me, life cchanging. It's not as simple as doing something else and I'm embarrassed by my lack of strength to get back into the world.

.2. I discovered through therapy that the depth of my woundedness after the breakup wasn't all about my ex - our breakup somehow opened old, unhealed wounds from childhood - and it all mixed together to cause me a profound amount of pain. Working through this in therapy was really helpful - I sorted out what was painful about the r/s (there was lots) vs. the pain I brought into the r/s that I needed to heal on my own.

.

This is the real problem I'm sure. My unresolved childhood wounds. Lucky Jim posted on Detaching recently about why we hold our pwBPDs pain. It resonated with me and fits in with what you said here and my post where I started out concerned about my ex’s anguish. What about my underlying pain? I think that holding onto his allows me to deny it, or push it away. Perhaps I haven’t completely let go of him because I am having such a difficult time facing what it is that is hurting?

[jhkbuzz]

My problem is that I worry about others opinions of me and their frustration that this is taking me a long time to recover from. My therapist, who I stopped seeing a few months ago, said that I was 'obsessed' with my ex and what had happened to me and that instead of researching BPD I should go to the library and research something else. I know she meant well, but I was very embarrassed. I wasn't ready to let go yet, and was still trying to understand what had happened. My family and friends also say things such as it's all over now, pick yourself up, etc. Yet this experience was devastating to me, life changing. It's not as simple as doing something else and I'm embarrassed by my lack of strength to get back into the world.

I'm not sure what to say about this. Maybe the difference is that I didn't really talk to a lot of people about what happened... .my best friend, a few family members... .but that's it. I saved it ALL up for my therapist. It took me a solid year to stop focusing on her - the first few months was just a SOLID wall of pain, and the rest of that year was trying to make sense of what had happened so that I could create a coherent story of the last 8 years of my life. I really didn't start focusing on myself until after the first year.

I'm sorry your therapist didn't understand your need to release that pain and make sense of what happened to you.  The experience was devastating to me, too. Don't be embarrassed, healing has no timetable. But don't sit around, either. Get out, spend time with friends, try new things.

This is the real problem I'm sure. My unresolved childhood wounds. Lucky Jim posted on Detaching recently about why we hold our pwBPDs pain. It resonated with me and fits in with what you said here and my post where I started out concerned about my ex’s anguish. What about my underlying pain? I think that holding onto his allows me to deny it, or push it away. Perhaps I haven’t completely let go of him because I am having such a difficult time facing what it is that is hurting?

I was so overly concerned with my ex and her thoughts and feelings and pain that it was RIDICULOUS. I read a quote around the year mark, it said "I should have loved myself with the love I gave to you." I really started thinking about that - why I was so willing to love her that I almost allowed myself to be destroyed in the process.

I ultimately found that, in some ways, it was easier to focus on her than it was to take a deep look inside myself - at my own pain and unhealed wounds.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Larmoyant,

I'd like to join  jhkbuzz and say that at a little over a year, I was still thinking about pwBPD. I wrote once that about a year out, I was on a train and heard a voice speaking that sounded very much like his. My heart started pounding and I went into a bit of panic mode.

Now, I can get an email from him and feel peaceful and even warmth in my heart for the time we had together (5 years later).

We all recover at our own pace. I understand feeling embarrassed and worrying about not being further along. I think so many of us have felt that way, too. We all have, however, our own issues that were brought front and center through these relationships, and depending on our coping skills, access to support, and a ton of other factors, we will recover at our own unique pace. So, I hope that you will be gentle with yourself. I have seen changes in you just from interactions on the this forum, so I am confident that things will keep getting better for you.   

I'm sorry that your therapist's remark embarrassed you. That didn't sound very supportive. I realize that sometimes therapists need to challenge our thinking, and that is often uncomfortable. There is an art to it, I imagine, and timing is important. When I expressed hope that maybe my relationship with pwBPD could work out in the future, I remember mine saying rather early that she "wanted something better for me" as she wiggled in her chair. I was slightly taken aback and hurt by that comment. Now I am very grateful that she said it, because I understand why, and I feel that she said it because she cared.

What about my underlying pain? I think that holding onto his allows me to deny it, or push it away. Perhaps I haven’t completely let go of him because I am having such a difficult time facing what it is that is hurting?

I think you have hit on the gold mine, here. From personal experience, I feel that many of us have been "trained" since childhood that putting energy and care into others' lives keeps us safe and happy. So much so, that we never learned, or have forgotten, how to shine that same caring light back onto ourselves. Also, when there is no drama, no loved one to rescue, love, and take care of, we are left with ourselves. What do we do then? How do we fulfill our emotional needs when there is no "other?" Suddenly our lives are ours again and we don't know what to do with them. At least that has been my experience. It's a grand adventure, in my view, and the growing pains can be tough, but they are not in vain. 

heartandwhole