BPD Mother With Dementia

[Depression = 72% of members]

This is my first post.  I will try to keep it short and to the point.  As background, I am retired, financially comfortable but not wealthy, and do not live within driving distance of my mother.  It's about a 3 hour plane trip.

I believe my mother (adoptive) has BPD.  She is in her late 80s and has shown symptoms of BPD since I was a small child.  She has been abusive to me all my life, both physically and mentally.  She generally manages to maintain with the "public", so I get the brunt of her drama and outbursts.  I have been afraid of her since I can remember.  Everything is always about her and she is obsessed with her divorce from my father, which happened 37 years ago.  She blames him for everything that's gone wrong in her life, and states that although she knew he was abusive to me, she never abused me in any way.  That is a lie, I remember multiple times when she hit me, said horrible things to me, and embarrassed me in front of friends and relatives. 

She started hallucinating several years ago.  These were full blown, detailed hallucinations about people in her backyard, sleeping in the trees.  This progressed to people coming into the house, moving things around, and sleeping in the spare bedroom.  Last year she called me and stated in no uncertain terms that she wanted to move and sell the house because the people were trying to take the house away from her.  She has told other people about these hallucinations. 

Knowing that she likes to blame others for her decisions, I told her she needed to find places, make appointments, and pick one.  She asked my cousin (her niece) to help her.  She found a senior retirement home, independent living option.  I helped with the paperwork, and my cousin and I got her moved. 

I have three powers of attorney - general, mental and healthcare - that she voluntarily signed after talking to her own lawyer.  She also put me on her accounts without me asking.  I was monitoring her finances, since she moved I have taken over to make sure the bills are paid.  I got her house sold and have taken steps to ensure there is enough money from her investment account to pay for her monthly bills.  My cousin is being paid to take her for medical appointments, shopping, and so forth.

She has recently been diagnosed with dementia and is on medication to slow it's progress.  I understand there is no cure, and the doctor said she would continue to deteriorate.  She is generally is fair physical health, although she complains constantly about pain from arthritis and her replacement knee.  Despite these complaints she refuses to take most medicine prescribed for her, including pain pills and anti depressants.   

It took me almost two weeks to mentally recover from being with her daily while helping her move.  All she did was complain, and one day she tried to slap me.  For the first time in my life I stood up to her and told her that if she hit me, I would leave and never come back.  She apologized but it was a typical "I'm sorry you were upset" rather than one that took responsibility.  The last time she attacked me, which was while my parents were divorcing, I refused to see her and didn't talk to her for 10 years.  Not a great coping mechanism but it was the one I chose at the time.

I've been in therapy for post traumatic stress disorder in the past, and I am currently seeing a therapist via internet.  She is pushing me to forgive my mother, saying that it would be best for me.  I am not sure I agree but I am processing that for now.

My issue at this point is accepting the fact that my mother has been mentally ill my entire life and is now in a mental state (dementia) that gives her a complete out on all her behavior.  She is starting to use this as an excuse to not remember things, or to get people to feel sorry for her.  Most of the people around her attribute her occasional public bad behavior to the dementia, since they haven't known her the way I have. 

I am experiencing a lot of anger about this entire situation.  I don't feel an obligation to her as my mother and I don't love her, but I do think I am probably the best person to handle her affairs at this point.  I have a legal background and she has enough money to live in a relatively decent place and get the care she needs.  She has demonstrated that she has poor judgment when it comes to money - she was giving a lot away to the son of a family friend who was taking advantage of her - and if someone doesn't keep control over her finances she is likely to be scammed or robbed. 

I am an only child so there are no siblings to help.  My cousin has done quite a bit to help, but I am not sure she is trustworthy when it comes to access to money, based on some things that happened when my grandmother was in a nursing home and my cousin's mother (my aunt) was handling my grandmother's money. 

I haven't found many resources concerning people with BPD who develop dementia.  It seems to me that it has lessened whatever emotional control my mother was able to exercise when she wanted to try to be nice.  She was pretty stable with me for about 15 years but has reverted to her old behaviors.  She continually complains about my not visiting her - I was just there 3 months ago and when I mentioned that she told me I was lying.  I really don't like to be around her because I am afraid all the time.  I have nightmares about her attacking me physically when I am driving her somewhere, that is certainly something she could do.  I am also afraid that if she attacks me I will get angry enough to hit her back, and I would probably be the one who got in trouble for that since she is a "poor elderly lady." 

Any advice would be very welcome. 

Thank you.

 

[jet222]

This is my first post.  I will try to keep it short and to the point.  As background, I am retired, financially comfortable but not wealthy, and do not live within driving distance of my mother.  It's about a 3 hour plane trip.

I believe my mother (adoptive) has BPD.  She is in her late 80s and has shown symptoms of BPD since I was a small child.  She has been abusive to me all my life, both physically and mentally.  She generally manages to maintain with the "public", so I get the brunt of her drama and outbursts.  I have been afraid of her since I can remember.  Everything is always about her and she is obsessed with her divorce from my father, which happened 37 years ago.  She blames him for everything that's gone wrong in her life, and states that although she knew he was abusive to me, she never abused me in any way.  That is a lie, I remember multiple times when she hit me, said horrible things to me, and embarrassed me in front of friends and relatives. 

She started hallucinating several years ago.  These were full blown, detailed hallucinations about people in her backyard, sleeping in the trees.  This progressed to people coming into the house, moving things around, and sleeping in the spare bedroom.  Last year she called me and stated in no uncertain terms that she wanted to move and sell the house because the people were trying to take the house away from her.  She has told other people about these hallucinations. 

Knowing that she likes to blame others for her decisions, I told her she needed to find places, make appointments, and pick one.  She asked my cousin (her niece) to help her.  She found a senior retirement home, independent living option.  I helped with the paperwork, and my cousin and I got her moved. 

I have three powers of attorney - general, mental and healthcare - that she voluntarily signed after talking to her own lawyer.  She also put me on her accounts without me asking.  I was monitoring her finances, since she moved I have taken over to make sure the bills are paid.  I got her house sold and have taken steps to ensure there is enough money from her investment account to pay for her monthly bills.  My cousin is being paid to take her for medical appointments, shopping, and so forth.

She has recently been diagnosed with dementia and is on medication to slow it's progress.  I understand there is no cure, and the doctor said she would continue to deteriorate.  She is generally is fair physical health, although she complains constantly about pain from arthritis and her replacement knee.  Despite these complaints she refuses to take most medicine prescribed for her, including pain pills and anti depressants.   

It took me almost two weeks to mentally recover from being with her daily while helping her move.  All she did was complain, and one day she tried to slap me.  For the first time in my life I stood up to her and told her that if she hit me, I would leave and never come back.  She apologized but it was a typical "I'm sorry you were upset" rather than one that took responsibility.  The last time she attacked me, which was while my parents were divorcing, I refused to see her and didn't talk to her for 10 years.  Not a great coping mechanism but it was the one I chose at the time.

I've been in therapy for post traumatic stress disorder in the past, and I am currently seeing a therapist via internet.  She is pushing me to forgive my mother, saying that it would be best for me.  I am not sure I agree but I am processing that for now.

My issue at this point is accepting the fact that my mother has been mentally ill my entire life and is now in a mental state (dementia) that gives her a complete out on all her behavior.  She is starting to use this as an excuse to not remember things, or to get people to feel sorry for her.  Most of the people around her attribute her occasional public bad behavior to the dementia, since they haven't known her the way I have. 

I am experiencing a lot of anger about this entire situation.  I don't feel an obligation to her as my mother and I don't love her, but I do think I am probably the best person to handle her affairs at this point.  I have a legal background and she has enough money to live in a relatively decent place and get the care she needs.  She has demonstrated that she has poor judgment when it comes to money - she was giving a lot away to the son of a family friend who was taking advantage of her - and if someone doesn't keep control over her finances she is likely to be scammed or robbed. 

I am an only child so there are no siblings to help.  My cousin has done quite a bit to help, but I am not sure she is trustworthy when it comes to access to money, based on some things that happened when my grandmother was in a nursing home and my cousin's mother (my aunt) was handling my grandmother's money. 

I haven't found many resources concerning people with BPD who develop dementia.  It seems to me that it has lessened whatever emotional control my mother was able to exercise when she wanted to try to be nice.  She was pretty stable with me for about 15 years but has reverted to her old behaviors.  She continually complains about my not visiting her - I was just there 3 months ago and when I mentioned that she told me I was lying.  I really don't like to be around her because I am afraid all the time.  I have nightmares about her attacking me physically when I am driving her somewhere, that is certainly something she could do.  I am also afraid that if she attacks me I will get angry enough to hit her back, and I would probably be the one who got in trouble for that since she is a "poor elderly lady." 

Any advice would be very welcome. 

Thank you.

 

[Turkish]

My mother has been deteriorating into this state for the past decade,  and is now in the process of becoming a ward of the state.  I told the social worker I didn't want any powers of attorney over her,  but that I could help if I could.

I can relate to everything you say about dementia and BPD. Outsiders may only key in on the dementia,  and hardly anyone knows about BPD. My mother can be a nice lady, when she doesn't split people black, and this is primarily what outsiders see.  Interestingly,  my mother also adopted me (at 2.5 years of age). I was ready to go  No Contact forever at 18, but swallowed my anger (she was my only family) and kept medium contact for many years.  I helped her out when I could financially.

It sounds like no one else is capable or trustworthy to take over your position. You must feel very alone... .

It's good that you are in therapy support. If the emotions are as strong as you say on your side,  I'd never be alone with her in a room if you do visit. 

[jet222]

Thank you.  Not wanting to be alone with her is why I don't want to visit. 

I talked to her on the phone yesterday and she was all over the place emotionally, of course all about how bad she feels.  She is stuck mentally in the year she and my father got divorced, and she brought up that I didn't talk to her for 15 years (it was actually 10 but she has no sense of time anymore).  She asked why so I told her it was because she hit me. 

Interestingly, I think I actually got an admission, indirectly, that this happened.  She said it didn't happen and she never hit me, ever.  I repeated that it happened, in a calm tone of voice.  She said I didn't understand the pressure she was under at the time.  I said, again calmly, that it didn't justify hitting me.  She then said "You provoked me."  I said calmly that I didn't, gave a few details about the incident, and changed the subject.

I actually feel positive about the phone call, even though she was not so nice through most of it.  I have always suspected that she knows what she does, or at least did in the past, and this confirmed it.  She may not be totally conscious of it but at some level she knows what she is doing is wrong.  I have read that BPDs can't face the reality of their situation very well, and since I am not a therapist I don't want to confront her further.  It was enough that I held my ground. 

I've been reading through some things here and I think this will be helpful.  Again, thanks. 

[Turkish]

I asked my ex if she remembered a significant event early in our r/s. She couldn't recall,  when with prompting. It was weird to me but I let it go.  Dissociation is a common trait.  Even if she remembers,  it probably is very different in her mind. 

Dissociation and Dysphoria

If you do choose to visit,  you could do so in a common area. 

It's been 3 weeks since my mother was put into a facility. I've put of calling to arrange a visit, so I'm not judging you. I can relate.