That didn't go well at all...

[daverisk]

The custody papers were a bad idea... .it REALLY went wrong... .and REALLY blew up in my face. 
She opened my phone when I was taking a shower and read my messages to my sister about the plan to get her to my office and present her with custody papers.  She naturally blew up... .amazingly, I stayed calm.  What seemed a good idea in its inception was a mistake... .and in honesty I was reacting as much to what I thought was cheating on her part as I was to concern for the safety of the children.

She explained that the reservation was made, but never paid for (there was no confirmation of payment email)... .to a)price the trip, and b) get email offers for get away trips... .for she and I... .one thing that does adds some (a lot) of credibility to this is that on the day she made these reservations she told me she wanted to go away on a trip... .just me and her... .when she got finished with the therapy.  True?  No idea.  I've decided I can't figure out how she thinks.

She refused to sign the papers but amazingly, she did go to the inpatient therapy... .verified, and she actually told me the name of her counselor, which she'd never done before.  I googled her... .she really exists... .

I have to learn to stop reacting to her in this way.  She lied about the loan papers... .that made me suspicious... .I opened her email... .saw something suspicious... .and reacted to that... .

I can't imagine the amount of added stress I put her under by my reaction... .and I'm genuinely sorry for that.  My lesson is I REALLY need to learn to stop reacting to her.  Even though I'm concerned about the bruise my daughter has on her leg... .I would not have went ahead with the custody papers had I not seen the hotel reservations.

In my own bout with "insanity" I actually drove over to the hospital last night to see if I could find her car... .there's just so many places it could be parked that I have no way of knowing where she might have put the car, if I was even at the right section of the hospital.  Folks, I want to get off the "crazy train," this emotional roller coaster is killing me... .quite possibly in a literal sense... .I don't sleep well, didn't eat at all yesterday... .I'm thinking counseling every two weeks  is not often enough.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey daverisk:   

I want to get off the "crazy train," this emotional roller coaster is killing me... .quite possibly in a literal sense... .I don't sleep well, didn't eat at all yesterday... .I'm thinking counseling every two weeks  is not often enough.   

Can you change it to every week?  Every two weeks is more suited for when therapy is progressing well, things are getting resolved and you are taking a step towards maintenance mode.   

She opened my phone when I was taking a shower and read my messages to my sister about the plan to get her to my office and present her with custody papers.  She naturally blew up   

 
You need to make sure you have a secret password on your phone and that the lock screen comes on in short order.  You should, also, take steps to make sure that email is private and password protected

I opened her email... .saw something suspicious... .and reacted to that... .   

Is this a personal email, sent to her account (not a joint email account)?

My lesson is I REALLY need to learn to stop reacting to her.   

Sounds like a good goal.  Have you been looking for things to react to?

[daverisk]

Naughty,

I'm going to talk to my counselor today about everything that has transpired and whether or not we need to "up" the amount of sessions... .I definitely need to get better at the self-maintenance.

I have a passcode on my phone, but she was able to figure it out either by watching me or by the smudge prints on the screen.  The email was one of her private email accounts... .she has several.  This particular one is her "junk" email where she gets a lot of her advertisements and is connected to her FB account... .I've had the password for quite some time... .she gave it to me over a year ago... .I just haven't looked.

Yep, I have to stop reacting to her... .for my own mental health, as well as hers... .and the kids.  Two of our daughters heard heard explosion... .great way to head to school in the morning.  I am trying to prepare myself mentally and emotionally to be the man I need to be for this... .either to help us heal... .or to help us calmly separate.  Whichever happens, I've got to avoid the rollercoaster.  This one was my fault... .I reacted.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Daverisk:   

I am trying to prepare myself mentally and emotionally to be the man I need to be for this... .either to help us heal... .or to help us calmly separate. 

Do you have some healthy ways to chill out and self-soothe?  When tensions are high, got to have some ways to reduce stress.   I'll offer a few options that you might find helpful.  The breathing exercises and practicing some mindfulness exercises are things that once mastered, can easily be slipped into your daily routine. 

IMPROVE THE MOMENT WORKSHEET
www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/improve_the_moment_worksheet.html

PANIC LIST
www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/panic_list.html

12 minute Thought Stream Meditation with Dr. Mike Dow
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N0Lo5tUXkVI

Breathing: Three Exercises - Dr. Weil
www.drweil.com/drw/u/ART00521/three-breathing-exercises.html

Finding Alternative Thoughts
www.dbtselfhelp.com/FindingAlternativeThoughts.pdf

MINDFULNESS EXERCISE - FROM BOOK" HAPPINESS TRAP"
https://www.thehappinesstrap.com/upimages/Informal_Mindfulness_Exercises.pdf

[Meili]

I had to learn, through therapy, that I do not have to react to the urges that would tell me to check my SO's email, or go to see if she's really where she said that she would be, etc. Those urges were based in fear, and my compelling desire to quash the fear were what was behind them.

Fear is just an emotion. Emotions do not require any action; they just are. In addition to the links provided by NN, you can also take a look at the link at the bottom of the page for the On-line Cognitive Therapy Program that has been reviewed by the bpdfamily.

[daverisk]

Meili,

Pretty much what my counselor related to me today.  Stop reacting. I think I need to do a bit more reading here in the tools section... .and my counselor is getting me some materials to work with as well.

[Meili]

Yeah, it's really easy to say "just stop reacting," but it's much harder to do. At least that was my experience. But, I did learn to stop reacting, and if I can do it, others can as well. It just takes practice and commitment.

Speaking of the tools around here, the article on Triggering and Mindfulness and Wise Mind has a lot to do with what we are talking about right now. Learning to compromise between both your logical and emotional minds to determine the best course of action is a great skill to have.