I'm so confused

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I've had a whirlwind of a past few weeks. My wife displays all the tell-tale characteristics of a BPD, but will not seek any help for the things that plague her. I don't want to be the one to indicate she might be dealing with it for fear that it will be turned back on me. I think she's a wonderful individual, but the intense fits of rage when she feels abandoned are getting impossible to deal with. Any potential friendships she has tried to foster over the years always seem to end badly with her saying that the people have issues. She's putting intense pressure on me to be her best friend, but our relationship can be suffocating at times with her feeling I'm not paying attention to her enough. I don't feel like we need to be doing the same thing concurrently to be spending time together. If we're in the same room, one of us reading and the other watching television, with occasional chit-chat, I think that's sufficient. As far as the outbursts go, there are no longer boundaries like there used to be. Now they're happening during my workday, and when they do, I feel completely derailed. They were happening at bedtime, keeping the kids up, and happening when I was walking out the door for work. Given all of this, I recently took a stand after years of these outbursts and moved out of the marital home. Physiologically they were taking their toll on me, and my work started to suffer, people openly wondering what was wrong with me. It seems the outbursts, while not as frequent, only intensified when they happen, and I am getting blamed for moving out. She keeps telling me that it's not fair for me to 'withhold love' from her because of her behavior, when in fact I'm just looking out for myself for the first time in the 25 years we've been together. I'm contemplating reconciliation, but afraid that there's going to be severe payback for my act of self-preservation if I move back in the house. What's ironic is that both my 18 yo daughter and I have both been to separate therapists in the past year to prove to her we're dealing with our own issues, and both of them, while not knowing the other, believe we're dealing with a BPD individual. I'm so confused. I feel like I deserve a better life than this, because I'm a hard worker and really care about my family and friends, but there's this part of me that feels horrible for leaving her because of her suffocating behavior. I don't know what to do... .stand my ground and let the marriage go, or move on and be happy. Please help!

[ocelot70]

I've had a whirlwind of a past few weeks. My wife displays all the tell-tale characteristics of a BPD, but will not seek any help for the things that plague her. I don't want to be the one to indicate she might be dealing with it for fear that it will be turned back on me. I think she's a wonderful individual, but the intense fits of rage when she feels abandoned are getting impossible to deal with. Any potential friendships she has tried to foster over the years always seem to end badly with her saying that the people have issues. She's putting intense pressure on me to be her best friend, but our relationship can be suffocating at times with her feeling I'm not paying attention to her enough. I don't feel like we need to be doing the same thing concurrently to be spending time together. If we're in the same room, one of us reading and the other watching television, with occasional chit-chat, I think that's sufficient. As far as the outbursts go, there are no longer boundaries like there used to be. Now they're happening during my workday, and when they do, I feel completely derailed. They were happening at bedtime, keeping the kids up, and happening when I was walking out the door for work. Given all of this, I recently took a stand after years of these outbursts and moved out of the marital home. Physiologically they were taking their toll on me, and my work started to suffer, people openly wondering what was wrong with me. It seems the outbursts, while not as frequent, only intensified when they happen, and I am getting blamed for moving out. She keeps telling me that it's not fair for me to 'withhold love' from her because of her behavior, when in fact I'm just looking out for myself for the first time in the 25 years we've been together. I'm contemplating reconciliation, but afraid that there's going to be severe payback for my act of self-preservation if I move back in the house. What's ironic is that both my 18 yo daughter and I have both been to separate therapists in the past year to prove to her we're dealing with our own issues, and both of them, while not knowing the other, believe we're dealing with a BPD individual. I'm so confused. I feel like I deserve a better life than this, because I'm a hard worker and really care about my family and friends, but there's this part of me that feels horrible for leaving her because of her suffocating behavior. I don't know what to do... .stand my ground and let the marriage go, or move on and be happy. Please help!

[DaddyBear77]

Welcome to the board, ocelot70!

I just wanted to reach out and tell you that many elements of your story sound very familiar to me, and I'm sure many others, too.

I've had many therapists independently observe that I might be dealing with a partner who has traits associated with both BPD and NPD. When my wife was younger, there was a lot of acting in, self harm, things like that. Since our daughter was born 3 or 4 years ago, things have shifted to more of an acting out. Like you, the outbursts came most intensely at night and in the morning while getting ready for work. I've had a dramatic drop in my productivity at work while dealing with these issues, which sounds like what you're describing too.

You say you've been with your pwBPD for at least 25 years now, and that you recently decided to take a stand. How did that make you feel? How do you feel now that you're on your own, and have had some space to think about it? How did you feel in the days and weeks leading up to your decision? If you reconcile, what kind of changes would you expect, if any? What are your limits? What are your boundaries?

Personality disorders are a very serious, very real mental disorder that has a very profound effect on the person with the disorder, as well as family members and friends. That's why this site exists! Regardless of whether you decide to reconcile, be sure you have realistic expectations of what may or may not change inside your relationship.

And finally, there is exactly one person that you can change in this scenario - yep, you guessed it - it's you!

Good luck, ocelot70, and welcome!

P.S. I follow very little, if any, of the advice I just shared. ;-)

[Lucky Jim]

Hey ocelot70, Welcome!  You've come to the right place, as DB77 notes.  That you had the courage to take a stand and move out, in order to re-assess your r/s, is admirable.  As a first step, I would suggest that you stop beating yourself up.  You're not "horrible" because you reached your limit.  Many of us have been in your shoes, believe me.  If your question is whether to stay or go, that's something you will have to answer yourself, but we can help you find the best path for YOU.  I emphasize you, because that's the place to start.  It seems like you already know this on some level.  Let us know how we can help.

LuckyJim

[TommyBahama]

That sounds so much like my life.  If e are both right next to each other in bed literally touching one another and I go on my laptop or I play a game on my phone (I don't play that long) or even do some studying then she would always say I am going to bed then.  She can't watch a movie or do anything because I am doing something else.  Everyone senses that I have changed the past two years.  I hope you can find some peace during this tough time.  Try to take care of yourself.