BPD Boyfriend Broke Up With Me...

[forever92]

Hi guys...

This is my first time here, so please all be nice!

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a year and a half and we live together. We have only more recently come to terms with the fact that he has BPD. I have told him that I will be there for him and will support him no matter what through whatever it takes to help him get better. I know everything there is to know about him and truly have seen every side of him too.

I believed our relationship was fine and that we were happy, however, a few days ago, out of the blue he broke up with me and the reasons were as follows;

That he simply does not love me anymore - Now, knowing him as well as I know him, I know that this is not true. He is not the type of man to say I love you when he truly does not mean it and recently, on more than one occasion he has told me that he does love me, completely unprompted and on his own accord.

He has said that I am too good for him and that he doesn't deserve me because he is apparently a bad person

He has said that he can not stand to by around me - But then, only a few hours after telling me this, lets me look after him, rub his tummy because he was suffering a stomach ache due to anxiety and then also continued to have sex with me that evening too (sorry if too much detail) but to me that does not sound like you can not stand to be around someone

He has said that there is no positives in our relationship - This is a complete lie, there are in fact many positives in our relationship. He often tells me that its like we were made for each other and we both want the same things out of life etc.

And the list of reasons literally carries on in this same pattern.

Knowing him like I do, it is honestly as if he has convinced himself that there is only negatives when it comes to me and our relationship and that he has truly convinced himself that he does not love me, that he is not right for me, that I am too good for him and all the rest, when in fact, he is lying to himself. It is like he has completely flicked a switch when it comes to me and our relationship and is really pushing me away.

He is adamant at the moment that the relationship is over and that I have to move out within two weeks (probably impossible) although, when I catch him off guard he still laughs with me, he can not look me in the eye without giggling and he definitely can not look me in the eye to tell me that he doesn't like me etc like he has been. I know that he is doing everything in his power to push me away but I really do not understand why.

I have tried the crying and begging approach because I am so distraught but it literally did nothing to him, even seeing me that upset. I am currently trying to remain positive and am trying to act as though I am fine around him and have even stayed away the past two days without contacting him with a hope that this might make him realise, however, I had to come back home this evening for work tomorrow. He is currently out and I have no idea what will happen once he returns.

He has also said this... ."Well, if I do realise that I have been stupid and regret breaking up with you and I come running back to you and you are stupid enough to take me back we will probably be stronger than ever" - The fact that he is even thinking about this possibility makes me wonder things even more.

I am utterly confused and heartbroken right now, because nothing adds up, the way he is acting and the things that he is saying are very different and I know for a fact the things he is saying aren't true either.

I honestly do not know what to do or how to act for the best... Has anyone else experienced similar to this and can help me please?

Thank you so much

x

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[ArleighBurke]

We have only more recently come to terms with the fact that he has BPD.

What did this entail exactly?

If you have never known about BPD until now, then YOU have a lot of learning to do. The behaviours you've described are typical BPD. To make sense of what he is saying, and knowing how to respond, you will need to do a fair bit of learning.

Have you read any BPD books? Stop Walking on Eggshells is a great start.
Have you read this site about techniques such as Validation?

I am utterly confused and heartbroken right now, because nothing adds up

Because you are listening to his WORDS. Ignore them. Listen to his FEELINGS. For a BPD, what they FEEL is paramount. Facts do not matter - and facts will be ignored in order to support what they FEEL. To help him, you need to understand what he feels, listen to him telling you what he feels, and guide him to a better place. THIS TAKES TIMES AND PRACTICE.

Hence my question - where are YOU on the BPD learning curve?

[stamusic]

Hey forever92!

You and I are both in a very very similar situation. It's so strange reading somebody else's story and seeing how the traits of their BPD partner are exactly the same to my BPD partner.
I've done a post myself also telling my story, but relating to you, my girlfriend of 8 months had told me 2 days before breaking up with me that she loves me and wants to marry me (same as your S.O., my girlfriend finds it very hard to be open with feelings and express the 'L' word). When she broke up with me it was like you say, a flick of a switch and she told me she has little feelings for me and was very blunt about it, as if trying to convince herself she no longer loves me.
It's learning that this is part of their BPD - their emotions are so 'black and white', but when it's up and they're telling you how much they are in love with you, it's definitely true. But they're so scared of this, that they feel they need to leave before they hurt you or before you hurt them -  their fears of abandonment, rejection ect.

Trying the pleading and begging for him to come back will only push him away further, but trust me I wanted to do nothing but cry and shake my girlfriend when she broke up with me... So I understand why you did that. Give him space, let him completely cut you off if he does that and give him the space he needs. My partner completely cut me off (deleting me off all social media and told me she didn't want to speak to me anymore and that we need to move on), but days after me giving her space not contacting her at all... She texts little 'chit chat' convos as her way of reaching out and showing she still cares.

For now, give him just that... Space and time to feel what he's feeling. Good and bad feelings for you.

Hope this helps!
xo

[g2outfitter]

As stamusic said... .give him space and as stated by AB, don't listen to the words.  My exBPD had a silver tongue filled with everything I wanted to hear but her actions never backed it up.  Your situation is similar as mine (which is a recurring statement on this site).  The biggest mistake I made was crying and begging because it does push them further.  This in my opinion is the same with BPD or nonBPD relationships though... .no one who is contemplating leaving is all of a sudden attracted to someone begging them to stay.  Besides, you should never beg someone to stay who can't realize your worth.

Me exBPD left me out of the blue after 2.5 years, then 3 months later we got back together.  Six months after that, she left me again.  I suspect the same scenario will play out with you (not saying the time frames will be the same).  I almost guarantee if you move out and ignore him he will be in touch in a very short period of time.  Keep ignoring him and if he gets mad tell him... .you asked for space didn't you?  I know this is much easier for me to say, than for you to do, but I speak from experience.

That tactic is the best way to get him back.  I am not saying that it is what you need to do to keep him to stay because there may not be anything you can do.  You need to come to the probability that even though you may get him back, that the likelihood of your relationship resuming as it was from the beginning is slim.  I'm afraid you have been painted black... .at absolutely no fault of your own.  Once that happens then it is very tough to keep the relationship going.

What is his past like?  Does he have a history of short and intense relationships.  My 3 year relationship with my exBPD was the longest of her life.  If he does have a history of short relationships let that be a sign.  I thought I would be different to my exBPD... .that was a pipe dream.  Same story, different verse.

I hate to sound so pessimistic but having a long term relationship with someone with BPD is close to impossible.  And even so, the games you have to play and the hoops you have to jump through are exhausting.  I finally realized that if given the choice, I could never get back with my exBPD because I could not wake up every morning thinking... .is today the day that the shoe is going to drop and she will end things again?  It never mattered how well the relationship was going, there was always something that would trigger an impulsive decision that had me gathering my things to leave.

I don't even know who you are as a person... .but I guarantee you deserve better than that.  We all do.

[g2outfitter]

I am sorry if my previous post seemed insensitive.  I have become that way over the past few weeks.  I truly am sorry for the pain you are feeling... .I know how much it hurts and how much it consumes you.  Take a deep breath and do your very best to think clearly and most importantly, act mentally mature.  It will be a tough process no matter what you do.  Take care of yourself... .eat healthy and do all you can to get sleep.

My prayers and thoughts are with you.

[stamusic]

I couldn't agree more, g2outfitter. If you've seen my post on another thread and read my story, I was the most optimistic ex girlfriend thinking that overtime she'll come back and we'll of course work things through.
As the days go on, I started to realised how different she had become and how the 'painted black' part is the darkest shade of black. I of course still believe and truly know that my ex is the sweetest girl that could possibly be and in no way means any harm or hurt... But the waiting game mentally pains you so much. There's days I'm feeling good and believe her and I are going in a great direction, and other days I can't stop crying because I feel I have lost her for good and need to move on.

Same as g2outfitter, I really really do not mean to be so pessimistic. In my heart some part of me feels she will want me back in her life as her partner again, and if that happens I'll take it as it comes and make sure I stand my ground with her with my boundaries. But as I'm sure you will all relate in some way, there's a part of me that wants her back so bad because of my insecurities.
But will she get better as the years go on... Who knows.

Again, sorry for sounding like such a pessimist! In a way I like posting these since it's like talking to myself in third person... Gives me insight.

Keep sharing your stories!
Hugs and love,

S xo