How to put 'stop walking on eggshells" to practice?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello,

We're new here and feel a little akward 0_o

Ok so lets tell about our situation in short: We're a young couple lets call us J (29 y/o male) and L (25 y/o female). We've been together a while now and are expecting our first baby this summer. We suspect J's mother to have BPD and this is causing some problems in our lives.

I (L) will tell the story from my persepctive since I'll be typing haha.

I was aquainted with J's mother for a while, she was a neighbor of mine and we worked in our community garden toghether. Let's call her R. I've know R as a kind, but very chaotic and emotional woman. I developed a some kind friendship with her but kept my distance. I noticed quickly that she had a lot of trouble with a lot of people. scaring people away from our garden project. I learned that when I kept things formal, clear and did not give into her drama our relationship worked just fine. Untill I fell in love with her son, J.

He already predicted that she would escalated because he had a new girlfriend, this had happened with his last girlfriend as well (that relationship did not end well). R was always very font of me so at first everything seemed to be fine. But after a while J started getting long text messages from his mother with all the pain he was causing her, everything he had ever done wrong, why he was such a horrible person and off course she brought up his last girlfriend. She blamed him that he was neglecting her (just like last time he had a GF) but at the same time she was pushing him away, saying things like "I never want to see you again". J tried to ignore the text's but I could see it hit him hard. The text made him very insecure about himself. At that point J and I visited a counselor (who was supposed to help him get his live back together so he could start finding a job again). After just one session the counselor quickly uncovered the real problem of J's choatic houshold and insecurity. His mother. He told us that her behaviour sounded like BPD or NPD behaviour. He helped us setting bounderies and helped us a lot, but that has been a while ago and we don't have the feeling things are getting better. She keeps exploding. Shortly after our first session R tried to commit suicide (well she did not try very hard, according to the docters, but ended up in the hospital to get her stomach pumped). in between things got better but now she is targetting me too and that never happend before. She always directed her blame towards J so I could help him with reality checks but now she is targetting us both and our live seems like chaos. That is why I read 'stop walking on eggshells' it has made me realise that R really does seem to have BPD (so many similarities!) but it also made me see that she can't really help herself. Our counsilor made it sound like she was delibritly manipulating us and that everything was staged. I want to tell R that she really don't have to fear us abondoning her just because we're having a baby but have no idea how to do that in a way it will come across, right now it does not matter what you say or not she's hurt anyways... .

well that was a rather long post 0_o not very coherent (is that the word, English is not my native language btw :O)

xxx L

[New_family]

Hello,

We're new here and feel a little akward 0_o

Ok so lets tell about our situation in short: We're a young couple lets call us J (29 y/o male) and L (25 y/o female). We've been together a while now and are expecting our first baby this summer. We suspect J's mother to have BPD and this is causing some problems in our lives.

I (L) will tell the story from my persepctive since I'll be typing haha.

I was aquainted with J's mother for a while, she was a neighbor of mine and we worked in our community garden toghether. Let's call her R. I've know R as a kind, but very chaotic and emotional woman. I developed a some kind friendship with her but kept my distance. I noticed quickly that she had a lot of trouble with a lot of people. scaring people away from our garden project. I learned that when I kept things formal, clear and did not give into her drama our relationship worked just fine. Untill I fell in love with her son, J.

He already predicted that she would escalated because he had a new girlfriend, this had happened with his last girlfriend as well (that relationship did not end well). R was always very font of me so at first everything seemed to be fine. But after a while J started getting long text messages from his mother with all the pain he was causing her, everything he had ever done wrong, why he was such a horrible person and off course she brought up his last girlfriend. She blamed him that he was neglecting her (just like last time he had a GF) but at the same time she was pushing him away, saying things like "I never want to see you again". J tried to ignore the text's but I could see it hit him hard. The text made him very insecure about himself. At that point J and I visited a counselor (who was supposed to help him get his live back together so he could start finding a job again). After just one session the counselor quickly uncovered the real problem of J's choatic houshold and insecurity. His mother. He told us that her behaviour sounded like BPD or NPD behaviour. He helped us setting bounderies and helped us a lot, but that has been a while ago and we don't have the feeling things are getting better. She keeps exploding. Shortly after our first session R tried to commit suicide (well she did not try very hard, according to the docters, but ended up in the hospital to get her stomach pumped). in between things got better but now she is targetting me too and that never happend before. She always directed her blame towards J so I could help him with reality checks but now she is targetting us both and our live seems like chaos. That is why I read 'stop walking on eggshells' it has made me realise that R really does seem to have BPD (so many similarities!) but it also made me see that she can't really help herself. Our counsilor made it sound like she was delibritly manipulating us and that everything was staged. I want to tell R that she really don't have to fear us abondoning her just because we're having a baby but have no idea how to do that in a way it will come across, right now it does not matter what you say or not she's hurt anyways... .

well that was a rather long post 0_o not very coherent (is that the word, English is not my native language btw :O)

xxx L

[New_family]

Ok so here is my practical question:

R sends us long text messages (like really long and 50 of them at once). Most of the time these text messages are a long strain of blame and verbal abuse. She clearly takes a victim role ("I feel ill and you're making it worse" "you can't expect from me that I'll be reasonable because I have a whiplash/burn out" "J did all these horrible things in the past to me and now you are doing the same!"

Well I don't want to read all those text because it are way to many and they are making me feel bad. So I keep telling her:

"I can see your upset because you send me all these texts, however it are very many so I'm not going to read them. Shall I come by your house later (today/this week) so we can talk in person?"

because when you talk to her in person most of the time things are just fine, but she only gets angrier after repeating this a couple of times. Know she never wants to see us ever again and says she never wants to see the baby (her grandchild)... .

So my question is do I repeat my boundaries (I don't want to read all the texts) over and over again or should I respond to her?

Advice would be very much welcome :D

[kitty1]

I was advised by my therapist that in scenarios like this you must remember you intentions when she makes you feel bad.
My mother send similar messages suggesting I made her feel bad or angry. I consciously no I did not but it is difficult to remember that.
But if you remember your intentions and what you perceived as truth- they sting a little less and you can explain yourself again and again if you need to calmly.
It helps me!

[New_family]

Thank you for your answer!
I really don't know how to talk to her through text messages.
My BF tends to ignore them but then they won't talk for months because she gets to angry for him not responding.

I think I'll keep responding that I don't want to make her feel bad but not going to read all those long messages.

[kitty1]

I think what we often forget is that to suffer from a disorder like BPD or NPD is that they must feel a lot of pain and distress regardless of what professionals or the DSM says.
Regardless of what causes the hurt she feels- whether it be insignificant or unreasonable to outsiders- that pain is hers and she experiences it when her messages are ignored or she perceives it.
Which is really difficult to manage from your point-of-view but it keeps me from getting too frustrated.

[TDeer]

My husband flat out doesn't respond to her when she's acting out. He doesn't want to give the attention for acting badly.


It's just like a dog, child, or other adult: don't respond to negative behavior with what they want. She clearly wants attention. Don't pay attention unless she's acting appropriately. Don't keep telling her. Carry out your consequences for her actions. Done. Period. End of story.

Let your partner deal with his family of origin. This includes his mom. Only deal with her when your guy is present. Don't contact her on the phone email or social media. Let him do all that. My BPD MIL did all of this and more (minus the suicide attempt) and I stood up to her. She still trees me as the scapegoat. She idealized me at first and our relationship sounds like what you described as being warm when you first knew R. I had to block BPD MIL. It was the best decision ever although I still feel weird about it occasionally, that's inconsequential when you realize how much grief you're saving yourself and your guy and your child.



I had to block her so that she wasn't contacting me inappropriately. Don't feel bad, she's not going to play by normal rules. Do not trust her.

At this point I only contact my BPD MIL when my husband and I have discussed it and agreed on what to say. Please let him deal with her bad behavior. I've only seen her once since the wedding. She really doesn't care about me even though she gave my husband a ring from her family that he proposed to me with. I knew this woman over a decade before marrying her son and none of that goodwill mattered.


She really just wants you gone. A lot of this will sound so ridiculous at first and you're going to think I'm the lunatic. She thinks her kids are hers to control and she doesn't want them getting married or leaving her. One of the main parts of BPD is fear of abandonment: real or imagined. You will not be able to convince her or help her. She will not listen. She'll act like it, but then trample your boundaries over and over. It's up to you to stop her. SHE is the one that needs to be in active recovery. SHE is the one that needs to do the work to appropriately keep her son in her life. HE needs to deal with his mother. R will hold a grudge until the day she dies and make you the bad guy for anything you do besides give in to her. Again, this sounds ridiculously over the top but it's all true. Stick close to your therapist.

This is all extremely important as BPDs are known for trying to break up marriages and families to serve their own wants.