Am I selfish?

[In a bad way]

That might not be the correct title and this might not be the correct place to post this and might get moved.
I just had a phone call telling me a very good friend has died, he walked in the house and dropped dead with a brain tumor, no signs of being ill.
After the initial me saying I can't believe it etc I just burst out crying, I am already in a state of depression every day and it overwhelmed me.
The person who told me tried to ring yesterday but I was to depressed to answer.
Why can't I just drop dead in a split second?

The man was a great bloke and very happily married for at least 25 years so why him?
I know I will get over this in a reasonable short time whereas after 10 months of splitting with my BPD that loss is still raw and has got me a virtual recluse except when I go to the pub.
I've hardly been out of this room at my mums for 4 days, I don't even open the curtains.


As I have said on other posts people dying is easier than being abandoned by the love of your life even though she abused me. It doesn't make sense.

I don't think I am selfish, I'm gutted for his family and friends. It's just that I can't get through a day where I don't think why can't I just die like that or in my sleep.
I do virtually nothing and am wasting my life, his life is over when it shouldn't be.
I would swap places if I could.
Am I selfish or am I feeling guilty for my thoughts?

Maybe I have lost track of what I am trying to say?
Also It's times like these you need that special person in your life to console you and talk to.
My ex had met this person a couple of times and had something in common and I feel the urge to tell her but she didn't respond to my last message last week. (that's on another post)
If I try to tell her she would probably think I'm harrassing her, and would she even care, I doubt it.
She would if we were still together.

[joeramabeme]

Maybe I have lost track of what I am trying to say?


I think you are wondering if you are being overly self-focused on your hurt.  This of course is subjective as only you know how much hurt you are feeling.  But in that vain, the other question to consider is are you doing anything to move away from being in the place where all you do is allow yourself time to dwell on the pain.  If there is a selfish part of it, this would be where it starts.

It is so easy to get stuck.  Some stuck time is needed.  But it also requires some effort to try and start the process of moving forward.  I know I held onto my pain for awhile as the only tangible memory I had of a 11 year marriage... .