emotions management

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I paid thousands of dollars (and worth every penny!) to learn something, and I want to share it here.

A few years back, my counselor made a suggestion that I thought was kind of childish and silly, but what the heck--my own methods weren't working, so why not? He told me to "schedule" my emotions. To purposefully select a time to sit down alone and allow myself to feel emotions without doing anything about them. This was designed to help me access my emotions from growing up in an extremely abusive childhood with a BPD mother. But the exercise has grown exponentially, and I believe it is useful to any person in any situation.

At first, when I tried this, I got zilch. Finally I started trying to just "reschedule" to when something actually did come up (when I could remember to, that is). But if I felt angry or sad or whatever, and I'd try to immediately sit down and focus on the feelings, they would pretty much disappear. My self criticism would take over, and I'd be sure to castigate myself that I wasn't doing it properly, I must be in denial, I must be a BPD, whatever. But I kept trying.

It took me a long time to understand that it wasn't the emotions that were "disappearing"--it was the intensity of the emotions. And that it wasn't the emotions themselves that were so painful, but the struggle against them. Once I gave up that struggle and allowed the emotions, the intensity melted away (not the emotions themselves).

Once I finally got that, a bunch of other things fell into place. Here they are, and they didn't happen in any certain order, but more like ever deepening layers intermingled with each other (and they continue to "quicken".

Speech to self: "they are just feelings, they won't kill you. Many feelings are uncomfortable--so what? Just let it happen, stop fighting it, stop trying to DO something about it to make it go away."
We want to "resolve" uncomfortable emotions (meaning "get rid of them". But emotions are only barometers of our thoughts. If you don't like how you feel, then change the way you think (and what you believe). We are willing to desert our goals just to avoid uncomfortable feelings. But we aren't willing to just give those feelings a couple minutes in the sun? Instead we banish them to the basement so they can become mutated motivating monsters.
Let go of the struggle against discomfort (which is most of the discomfort), allow the emotions (really, they won't kill you!), and then proceed with the actions that will take you to your actual goal (not the new immediate goal of avoiding the uncomfortable emotions, no matter the cost).

I don't drink or use drugs. I recognize that many people don't imbibe for the purpose of escape from unresolved pain, and many others do. And I also recognize that there are many, many other ways to try to do the same exact thing. Even workaholism, which is more socially acceptable but still self evasive.

Trying to divide our experiences and emotions into positive and negative, then trying to eschew/outrun/abolish the negative, with the hope of becoming "whole" is impossible. So much of what we do is directed at evading uncomfortable emotions (which really, really won't kill you!) Allowing the emotions their 2 minutes in the sun without DOING anything about them (trying to assuage or evade them) then allows us to examine the thoughts and beliefs behind the emotions.

This brought me to the next step, which is understanding that emotions aren't stand alone random things. They are reactions to, or barometers of, our thoughts, beliefs, and values. Thoughts cause emotions--not events (and here's a link that succinctly and very briefly illustrates that wonderfully www.allaboutdepression.com/workshops/CBT_Workshop/CBT_05.html )

Here's an example: Sometimes I am still angry at my mother for some of the things she did to me (especially if someone forwards to me her latest outrageous diatribe or attack). Instead of acting out of that anger, designing some action (like revenge or arguing or JADEing or something) to make that anger go away, I allow the anger, purposefully saying "for the next X number of minutes, I will allow this feeling and I will take no actions whatsoever about the feelings". As soon as I stop struggling against the anger, most of the intensity of the anger immediately goes away (again, it's the struggle against the feeling, not the feeling itself that was so intense). When I allow these feelings their couple of minutes in the sun, to just exist, this allows me to then examine the thoughts and beliefs behind the feelings (because feelings are barometers of our thoughts, beliefs, and values). In this example, my thoughts and beliefs that a grown woman torturing a small child (or a grown woman sabotaging her adult children simply to distract herself from her own inner turmoil) is absolutely wrong and cruel, leads me to decide that anger is indeed appropriate. Then I can decide my actions--if any--based on my values (not evasion of my feelings). In this particular case, no action is necessary. I have no contact with her, am no longer a child at her mercy, and don't need to protect myself from her, or "set the record straight", or defend myself from her spurious accusations/claims, or engage in any way.

Next example: Sometimes I feel deep shame. Same exercise--I sit on the couch and allow the shame a few minutes in the sun without DOING anything about it. Again, this allows me to examine the thoughts, beliefs, and values behind the shame. I was told repeatedly as a child that my mothers rage was my fault and that I was a bad person. "Causing" rage in someone else and being a bad person makes shame an appropriate emotional response! However, is this belief valid, or serving me well? Avoiding the feeling of shame doesn't change the belief. Examining the belief is the beginning of changing the belief (which first entails accepting that the emotional response to the belief is valid--it's not the feeling that is invalid, it is the belief. "Banishing" the emotion only causes it to pop up again and again elsewhere, because the belief behind it is still there) The examination of my thoughts and beliefs and values behind my emotions often changes my entire perception of an event or situation or interaction.

This, of course, requires practice. And is easier when I have time to reflect (rather than that immediate response required scenario in the grocery store or whatever--which also improves the more practice I get).

I like using the word "values" thrown in there along with thoughts and beliefs. Because it brings into the fold another issue that is improved with this practice--boundaries. 

What seemed at first like a childish and silly exercise has actually developed into one of the most valuable tools I have.

[doubleAries]

I paid thousands of dollars (and worth every penny!) to learn something, and I want to share it here.

A few years back, my counselor made a suggestion that I thought was kind of childish and silly, but what the heck--my own methods weren't working, so why not? He told me to "schedule" my emotions. To purposefully select a time to sit down alone and allow myself to feel emotions without doing anything about them. This was designed to help me access my emotions from growing up in an extremely abusive childhood with a BPD mother. But the exercise has grown exponentially, and I believe it is useful to any person in any situation.

At first, when I tried this, I got zilch. Finally I started trying to just "reschedule" to when something actually did come up (when I could remember to, that is). But if I felt angry or sad or whatever, and I'd try to immediately sit down and focus on the feelings, they would pretty much disappear. My self criticism would take over, and I'd be sure to castigate myself that I wasn't doing it properly, I must be in denial, I must be a BPD, whatever. But I kept trying.

It took me a long time to understand that it wasn't the emotions that were "disappearing"--it was the intensity of the emotions. And that it wasn't the emotions themselves that were so painful, but the struggle against them. Once I gave up that struggle and allowed the emotions, the intensity melted away (not the emotions themselves).

Once I finally got that, a bunch of other things fell into place. Here they are, and they didn't happen in any certain order, but more like ever deepening layers intermingled with each other (and they continue to "quicken".

Speech to self: "they are just feelings, they won't kill you. Many feelings are uncomfortable--so what? Just let it happen, stop fighting it, stop trying to DO something about it to make it go away."
We want to "resolve" uncomfortable emotions (meaning "get rid of them". But emotions are only barometers of our thoughts. If you don't like how you feel, then change the way you think (and what you believe). We are willing to desert our goals just to avoid uncomfortable feelings. But we aren't willing to just give those feelings a couple minutes in the sun? Instead we banish them to the basement so they can become mutated motivating monsters.
Let go of the struggle against discomfort (which is most of the discomfort), allow the emotions (really, they won't kill you!), and then proceed with the actions that will take you to your actual goal (not the new immediate goal of avoiding the uncomfortable emotions, no matter the cost).

I don't drink or use drugs. I recognize that many people don't imbibe for the purpose of escape from unresolved pain, and many others do. And I also recognize that there are many, many other ways to try to do the same exact thing. Even workaholism, which is more socially acceptable but still self evasive.

Trying to divide our experiences and emotions into positive and negative, then trying to eschew/outrun/abolish the negative, with the hope of becoming "whole" is impossible. So much of what we do is directed at evading uncomfortable emotions (which really, really won't kill you!) Allowing the emotions their 2 minutes in the sun without DOING anything about them (trying to assuage or evade them) then allows us to examine the thoughts and beliefs behind the emotions.

This brought me to the next step, which is understanding that emotions aren't stand alone random things. They are reactions to, or barometers of, our thoughts, beliefs, and values. Thoughts cause emotions--not events (and here's a link that succinctly and very briefly illustrates that wonderfully www.allaboutdepression.com/workshops/CBT_Workshop/CBT_05.html )

Here's an example: Sometimes I am still angry at my mother for some of the things she did to me (especially if someone forwards to me her latest outrageous diatribe or attack). Instead of acting out of that anger, designing some action (like revenge or arguing or JADEing or something) to make that anger go away, I allow the anger, purposefully saying "for the next X number of minutes, I will allow this feeling and I will take no actions whatsoever about the feelings". As soon as I stop struggling against the anger, most of the intensity of the anger immediately goes away (again, it's the struggle against the feeling, not the feeling itself that was so intense). When I allow these feelings their couple of minutes in the sun, to just exist, this allows me to then examine the thoughts and beliefs behind the feelings (because feelings are barometers of our thoughts, beliefs, and values). In this example, my thoughts and beliefs that a grown woman torturing a small child (or a grown woman sabotaging her adult children simply to distract herself from her own inner turmoil) is absolutely wrong and cruel, leads me to decide that anger is indeed appropriate. Then I can decide my actions--if any--based on my values (not evasion of my feelings). In this particular case, no action is necessary. I have no contact with her, am no longer a child at her mercy, and don't need to protect myself from her, or "set the record straight", or defend myself from her spurious accusations/claims, or engage in any way.

Next example: Sometimes I feel deep shame. Same exercise--I sit on the couch and allow the shame a few minutes in the sun without DOING anything about it. Again, this allows me to examine the thoughts, beliefs, and values behind the shame. I was told repeatedly as a child that my mothers rage was my fault and that I was a bad person. "Causing" rage in someone else and being a bad person makes shame an appropriate emotional response! However, is this belief valid, or serving me well? Avoiding the feeling of shame doesn't change the belief. Examining the belief is the beginning of changing the belief (which first entails accepting that the emotional response to the belief is valid--it's not the feeling that is invalid, it is the belief. "Banishing" the emotion only causes it to pop up again and again elsewhere, because the belief behind it is still there) The examination of my thoughts and beliefs and values behind my emotions often changes my entire perception of an event or situation or interaction.

This, of course, requires practice. And is easier when I have time to reflect (rather than that immediate response required scenario in the grocery store or whatever--which also improves the more practice I get).

I like using the word "values" thrown in there along with thoughts and beliefs. Because it brings into the fold another issue that is improved with this practice--boundaries. 

What seemed at first like a childish and silly exercise has actually developed into one of the most valuable tools I have.

[Kwamina]

Hi doubleAries

Great to hear from you again! You had a huge impact on me when I joined here as a little baby parrot

Thanks for sharing your experiences and what you've learned from them. I know you've been through a lot and it's wonderful to see you heal and continue to grow.

When reading your post, the underlying concepts of CBT indeed immediately came to mind:

Events lead to Thoughts which lead to Feelings which lead to Behaviors/Actions

Your post also reminds me of mindfulness meditation, specifically the parts of sitting with your feelings and allowing yourself to experience whatever feelings may pop up, focusing your attention but not what you see, clinging to nothing but also not pushing away anything, and not judging anything. Not judging your feelings nor your thoughts.

See you around!

The Board Parrot

[doubleAries]

Hi Kwamina!
 
My current counselor says she sees those elements in this as well, and also rational emotive behavior therapy. Sort of a mish mash of several things, completely unintentional by me.

My former counselor, who I really liked, took an administrative position at a college and couldn't swing a full time job plus his client load for several hours in the evenings. I thought, well, I think I did enough counseling, don't need it anymore, can move on from here on my own.

Didn't quite work out like that, LOL, but I did nonetheless continue developing--in my own methods and realizations--the "sit on the couch with your feelings" exercise. I don't actually have to sit on the couch anymore. Just reminding myself to sit on the couch and allow the feelings without taking any action is usually enough to trip the whole process, often in just a few seconds. Of course, I don't always remember to do this (progress, not perfection) but I do a lot more frequently with each practice.

What strikes me now is that I have what I call "epiphanies about things I already know" and this is one of them. It just finally clicked in a more conscious and comprehensive way, the steps that were taking place. Especially acceptance of life on lifes terms--that I am no longer seeking to escape discomfort, through evasion, blame, distraction, or "busy-ness". No, not that I embrace or seek discomfort! Hahaha--definitely not. But I accept that sometimes it is entirely appropriate.

I keep running across things online that are meant to be inspirational, about how to avoid all unpleasantness and live only in peaceful, blissful positivity. I find it childishly evasive. To seek to become completely immune to emotional reaction, and completely isolated from being affected by external things/people is pretty much seeking to become a psychopath.

I want to live.

[Kwamina]

What strikes me now is that I have what I call "epiphanies about things I already know" and this is one of them. It just finally clicked in a more conscious and comprehensive way, the steps that were taking place. Especially acceptance of life on lifes terms--that I am no longer seeking to escape discomfort, through evasion, blame, distraction, or "busy-ness". No, not that I embrace or seek discomfort! Hahaha--definitely not. But I accept that sometimes it is entirely appropriate.

Funny you should mention this, I have similar epiphanies, especially when reading about radical acceptance. I have read the material many many times already, but still I see new things in it every time. I read the words before but I see more connections every time I go through the material which almost makes it seem like I am reading an entire new text. Either that or my BPD family-members are secretly actually changing the text every time

Acceptance is the thing I struggle with most and the best way to deal with this is perhaps to just accept it  Accept life for what it is and as it is.

I want to live.

 I know what you mean, fully living also means allowing yourself to experience a full range of emotions.

[heartandwhole]

Hi doubleAries,

Thank you for sharing your epiphanies and insights. I think what you have written is so important for emotional health and balance. It seems to me that many of us spend a lot of time and effort to avoid feeling, and yet, allowing feelings to arise and move through us can be one of the most empowering things we can do to set ourselves free and, as you say, "live."

I admire your skill at doing this. My intentions are good, but I still find myself "bottling up" at times. I know that, because then at various innocuous moments a flood of feeling rushes over me. I like your idea of setting aside time to check in and let 'em rip. I try to give myself time every morning to be still, check in, and "be." Those moments tend to be peaceful, so perhaps it is becoming a kind of automatic reaction?

Lately I've suspected that there are some feelings needing attention that are lying just under the surface of my awareness. I'd like to hold a space, like you are doing, to let them come forward a bit more.

I also resonate very much with your thoughts about beliefs and their connection to what we feel. I think so many of us, when we feel something uncomfortable or painful, we think that it means something, that it is saying something true about us (and we often interpret whatever that is as a deficiency or something negative), when in reality, it's just a feeling. It will come and go. Of course, we can get a lot of information about what we are believing from our feelings, but if we can simply untangle the physical sensations from the "story" running through our heads, and feel the heat, the knot in the stomach, the coldness, the shortness of breath, whatever, and allow it to have some space in us without all the judging and analyzing, I find that the feeling moves through more quickly.

Once, I felt really angry at a lover who, I felt, was evading a conversation. Somehow I allowed myself to feel the anger without judging myself as wrong for it. I communicated that I was feeling very angry at him in the moment. My chest was burning and I wanted to yell (he wasn't with me--we were communicating by text). I felt the sensations and didn't try to block anything.  Suddenly my chest/heart area opened up and the sweetest peace washed over me. And I just felt love. That certainly wasn't my goal  . My theory is that underneath all feelings is a well of being that is peaceful and compassionate, for no reason.

Anyway, I didn't mean to go off too much on a tangent, but I wanted you to know that I admire your growth and you have inspired me to make more opportunities to feel. I suspect I need that right now, even though outwardly things appear calm.

heartandwhole

[doubleAries]

One of the biggest issues I am dealing with in counseling is what I call "mom's voice" or "the inner terrorist". A childhood in hell turned the little voice everyone has that says "hmmm... .maybe that wasn't such a good idea. In the future, I should... ." into a screaming banshee that instead bellows "YOU STUPID MORON! WTH is wrong with you?" (cursing edited) This makes many things difficult, including examining the thoughts, beliefs, values behind emotions. In fact, sometimes it IS the thoughts/beliefs behind emotions.

Thusly, one of the things I am going to focus on this week is examining the thoughts, beliefs, and values behind happy, positive, welcome feelings as well--not just the uncomfortable feelings.

[NewMamaIrl]

I am new to this, and I am really struggling. I want to keep trying, as my limited experience in doing it has been really successful and helped me with getting through some of the really negative emotions.

However, sometimes it is so hard. I find myself sweating and shaking with fear and dread, or gripped in panic, or flooded with such sorrow when I allow myself to sit with the emotions from my relatonship with my BPD husband.

Please tell me there is a shortcut to get through this? I find it so hard and I can't bear it some times.

[doubleAries]

NewMamaIrl-
The best "shortcut" I can recommend is the reminder that they are just feelings. They really, really won't kill you.

I spent many years looking for shortcuts in dealing with any number of things. Which is exactly what landed me in the messes I found myself in. Quite honestly, what I found myself doing was continuing a dysfunctional pattern until I reached a dead end, then looking for immediate gratification/relief... .then returning to the unrealistic dysfunctional patterns that inevitably led me back to the painful dead ends, repeat ad nauseam. The decision to make long term deep changes (and accepting that there is no such thing as immediate long term results) is when things began to actually change. I am reminded of the person who drinks to forget, and when it doesn't work and they have now developed additional problems because of the drinking, suddenly decide to pray to a God to rescue them from themselves--and then when relief finally comes, they return to the exact same methods that landed them in that boiling pot of water to begin with.

At the beginning of this new and awkward way of doing things more sustainably, I did just what I said in the 1st part of the post--I scheduled the emotions. Find a time when you can be alone and safe. Then give yourself, say, 10 minutes. Or even just 5 minutes.

The whole point of allowing the feelings without "doing something about them" is that you aren't actually practicing "having" feelings (you have them anyway, right?). You are practicing ALLOWING them. You are practicing allowing them instead of fighting them.

Looking for a way to do this without having to do it kind of defeats the purpose, doesn't it?

At first it is completely backwards from what you've always done, and seems counter-productive. That will pass.

Struggling against the feelings, sweating and shaking in fear of the feelings, dreading the feelings---THOSE are the things that are overwhelming. Get rid of those and you will find that the feelings themselves are much more manageable. I had to grasp the fact that I was accepting discomfort (including pain, anger, fear, powerlessness, self recrimination, and many other uncomfortable feelings)--NOT looking for "better ways" to evade it.

It takes practice. It does happen relatively quickly but not overnight. And I find that some of the things I experience crop up again and again. It's not a "one time, there, all done" kind of thing. It's a new way of life (because the old one just wasn't working).

If you are having true panic attacks, you should seek help from a physician. If you are just squirming from uncomfortable feelings, then change the way you deal with them. Change the ultimate goal--maybe sitting on the couch for 10 minutes isn't the exact method you want to use. But some method that includes the ultimate goal of gracefully experiencing life with all its warts and discomforts instead of seeking to evade the parts you don't like, is pretty much what has to happen.

At first, I kept going in circles--saying to myself "well, this certainly isn't working. I still feel these crappy feelings--they didn't go away!" And it took a while before I could notice that I was still trying to use my old method--evasion. I wasn't really allowing the feelings, I was still trying to make them "go away" so I wouldn't have to deal with it. That was the deeply ingrained pattern I was seeking to change and it was (is) difficult. But it gets easier as I keep practicing.

I can't tell you how to cope. I can only tell you what worked for me. And you can choose to incorporate some version of that, or not and look for something else. What works for me is to remind myself as often as necessary that while emotional pain absolutely sucks, it is still just a feeling and will not kill me. That to swallow that pain is to choke on it. That the determination to evade it is what hurts more than the pain itself. The struggle against it is more overwhelming and intense than the actual hurt. If I'm saying I can't stand the pain, then why intensify it?

True letting go isn't about evasion.

I'm sorry--I can't give you a shortcut that bypasses the work we all have to do. But I can offer strength and hope. And honest methods that create real change instead temporary immediate relief (which is really just called "distraction".

The first step is practicing allowing the feelings (even though you obviously don't look forward to it). When you get pretty good with that, the next step is examining the thoughts, beliefs, values behind the feelings. And honestly, I've discovered that's where a lot of the dread and desire to evade comes from--from not wanting to examine my self sabotaging thoughts and beliefs. Because if I do, then I have to change them. But actually doing that is not at all frightening--it's gratifying!

We all gravitate towards the false and temporary hope of some easier softer way. We want a pill that makes us feel "good", or makes us lose weight, or erases our coping methods without doing the work we know is actually required. But even if these things really existed and actually worked, they don't come with the self respect, self esteem, and accomplishment that comes with struggling against the odds and triumphing.

It sucks right now--but this too shall pass. Your strength, determination, and self respect will get you through this. If you were abused, then anger and grief are entirely appropriate (even if uncomfortable). Allowing the anger and grief--without "doing" anything about it (to make it "go away" is the most loving self honoring thing you can do. No, you aren't trying to hang onto these feelings forever (and at first, it feels like "wallowing". You are allowing the letting go process to happen naturally.

THAT is the "shortcut".

Evading it prolongs it.  

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi, doubleAries, thank you for sharing. This is really powerful and helpful stuff. I'm just learning to making room for and allowing my feelings to come to the surface, and to look underneath the most immediate one (like anger) to see what really lies underneath it (feeling disrespected, overlooked, not valued, for example). What you're sharing with us here ties in so wonderfully with this, I think.

I have been trying to practise, just a little, the thechnique of defining a feeling -> observing the feeling -> thinking about observing it. I'm not very good at remembering doing it, but when I do, it removes the intensity of the feeling, and the overwhelming rush of it goes down. I like what you're saying here about also giving ourselves time to just feel it for a moment and allow ourselves that space.

I have to read through this thread again, there were a lot of really interesting insights  

[NewMamaIrl]

Thank you!

That is really helpful. This website has been great the last few weeks trying to sort my head out.

Thank you :-)

[doubleAries]

EXTRA POINTS BONUS

examining the thoughts and beliefs behind emotions leads to conscious self awareness and the conscious ability to develop values. And values, of course, are the whole reason for boundaries--to protect our values from being eroded (not to control others behavior). Know thyself.

When this happens, I find I am no longer hanging around with people who trample all over me or who are so disordered they spin me into the twilight zone where I can't tell up from down. I don't feel guilty for not putting up with abuse. I don't have to ruminate about every crappy thing someone did to me (because I can tell the difference between myself and them, and how much crappiness I am willing to expose myself to before it starts eroding my self-worth and boundaries).