Taking stock of the trauma, years later...

[GlitterBug]

A post by Lucky Jim has prompted me to put this in writing as it's something I still struggle with even after 3yrs if NC (enforced by pwBPD)... .

My pwBPD was my closest friend, we were close from the age of 15 to 27.
We grew up together and lived together through our late teens and into our twenties.

I've been taking stock of the psychological damage left behind for me to fix for me.
As I remember back to the experiences, drama and traumas, I'm only now starting to realise that this was far from an 'ordinary friendship'... .

Suicide attempt: I found her during a serious attempt on her life (overdose), rushed her to hospital in my car as the ambulance wait was half an hour and I could get her there faster; steamed through every red light with her limp in the back seat. Doctors told me that had she not been found that night, she would likely have died.

She had a 3yr old daughter and I was petrified that her child (my god daughter) would be left without a mum- I worked to over compensate for her emotionally and tried to make things as easy for her as I could within my means.
Including, paying the rent she would spend else where on socialising, clothes, make up ect.
Buying clothes and food for her and her child, trying to eleviate the stress where I could (I was working full time and receiving a low salary at the time so it was a struggle).

I moved in with her eventually as she struggled to be alone and cope well.

Cleaned her home when it was so filthy, maggots would start breeding in the rubbish bin during the summer.

Finding her after she had self harmed; her daughter was away for the weekend with her father and I returned home to the flat we shared to find the bathroom covered in bloody hand prints, a blood soaked towel, kitchen knives and razor blades... .

My first thought was that she had bought a man back and he had attacked her (she was very promiscuous and sexually irresponsible - didn't protect her personal safety or sexual health). I walked into the living room to find her sitting on the sofa, knacked and drunk... .My eyes glanced down towards her thighs and they were covered in deep slashes that we're bleeding badly.
I knew in that moment that she had done this to herself.
She begged me not to tell anyone and I promised I wouldn't - I took her to the bedroom and quietly cleaned and dressed her wounds.
This was one of the hardest things I have ever experienced and I was in fear from that moment that her eventual suicide was the only inevitable outcome.
My best friend was suffering and I couldn't seem to help her.

I begged her to seek help, I went to the doctor with her but she just clammed up and refused to be honest about the extent of what was happening.

She fell pregnant by a one night stand and I accompanied her to the hospital when she opted for a medical abortion; I held her hand whilst she cried in pain.
I cried too. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed after it was over.

She got involved with a guy who was a violent alcoholic, she moved him into our home over night and he eventually pushed me out as he succeeded in controlling every aspect of her life.
I visited one evening for 'crisis talks' (her daughter was now of school age and the school were concerned that something at home was not quite right).
The house was filthy and her child was surrounded by alcohol dependent adults.
I arrived to find the child was at her fathers but my pwBPD was being subject to verbal and physical abuse.
I stepped him, threw him out and called the police.

These are the moments which I remember most clearly but there were many more incidents which fly through my mind from time to time.

Writing this is more cathartic and it makes me feel that it is ok that after 3yrs of NC, to continue to process this deeply troubling codependent high stress dynamic.

Most of this happened before I was 25 and started when I was 18. Selfishly I sometimes feel like care taking her robbed me of my young fun years.
There seemed to be one drama/trauma after another.

In the 3yrs we have had no contact, I have found a wonderful husband who wants nothing from me but love, laughs and companionship.
We are just about to complete on our first house purchase together and are hoping to start a family.

I am 31 now and still processing and coming to terms with the pain she left me to carry.

She walked away from me without a second thought, said horrific things and wished me a life of loneliness and solitude.
She has no idea that her pain was my pain and I will most likely carry some of that with me for the rest of my life.

[joeramabeme]

In the 3yrs we have had no contact, I have found a wonderful husband who wants nothing from me but love, laughs and companionship.
We are just about to complete on our first house purchase together and are hoping to start a family

Thank you for sharing that.  I know that at at some level the pain will never leave, but you have moved forward and will enjoy many more years.

[bunny4523]

My heart goes out to you but thank goodness she pushed you away my friend or you might still be on that roller coaster.

You deserve so much more from your life.  I'm glad your processing this pain so that you move on, be happy and stay that way.  It's a great idea to work on all of this before you start your family too.

You are free   The pain is in the past where it belongs.  Congratulations

[Ironcalves]

'She walked away from you without a second thought.'

If she did nothing else for you - that right there is the kindest thing she ever did.

I know it hurts, giving to people who betray us, we've all done it here, love, time, money and eeeeeeeendlessss bloody hours or advise which they seem to listen to but you eventually realise they just like hearing their name being spoken! Pearls before swine my dears.

Think of that, very literally, giving a pig expensive pearls and expecting them to thank you, or at least not roll them in pig dung. Who is the silly one on the analogy - the pig or the giver of pearls?

You (and I) wasted our time on people who can't accept and process what we give, they are not on our level - sounds like you found your level now though