Divorcing my wife that has BPD

[Canttakeit]

As much as I love my wife, I am 57 and married for 25 years, I just can't do it anymore.   I probably have 25-30 years left to live and I deserve to be happy.  She is the typical BPD.   Throws out threats about divorce then when you tell her fine, let's do it, she backs off.

But If I was the one to instigate it, she would try to crucify me and hire the biggest baddest lawyer.   And then she will spread lies about me and try to bury me.

Does anyone have any advice on how to peacefully accomplish the process?  I know it will be viewed as me abandoning her, but I just can't do it any longer.

My heart just hurts.

[Eve44]

I am just starting the divorce process with my husband myself - I have similar reasons for myself that you described but it definitely has come to a head because of his emotional abuse with the kids.

I am reading "Splitting" and would recommend that to you as you start this process-lots of tips in there on how to protect and anticipate the stuff the BPD's will throw your way in a divorce. No doubt she will strive to be seen as the victim but I think part of what we have to do is let go of what other people may think about us - it's just not worth it.  Tell everyone you know and love what you're doing before you do it so that they hear your side first.

And honestly... .congratulations on moving forward to reclaim your life and your happiness.

[Dutched]

Canttakeit


I am very sorry for you being on that crossroad now!
Have been there myself for a 30+ yrs.
And yes, several years with threats about divorcing too. First time I was overwhelmed. As from the 2nd time I, like you agreed, but stating that if she ends all, she will leave the house, not me.  She backed off. Until.

As from what I read on this board and experienced myself, there is no peaceful way, no decent way.

Please bear in mind that for her:  Feelings becomes Facts!

This Board is not to recommend anyone to end or to stay in a relationship.
By learning a lot can be accomplished, giving you more peace and more rest in your life.
Learning that there are tools on how not to engage in her emotional rollercoaster
Leaning to set boundaries for yourself
Learning to, although difficult, to be the person you were and inside you still are.

Please read, ask as much as you can. 

On the other hand, once you decided, we are there too.

Being of similar age please consider a procedure takes maybe a few yrs. Being in a r/s with such an emotional volatile person for so many yrs. have taken a toll! Therefore detaching and healing, not even to mention finding your own way again, will take tremendous efforts.
When (grown up) kids are involved, it takes a toll on them too, with a mom that tries to split you black.
Not to mention financial consequences.

Your heart hurts, one way or the other.

When and if you decide proceed, please protect yourself, watch your back all the time
= safeguard precious belongings, as from inheritances, family belongings.
= make sure to open already a 2nd bank account
= make sure to have original papers stored in a safe place (insurances, mortgage, etc)
= change passwords on your devices
= start to make back ups
= save and journal events, saying, behaviour (include date, time and, if any, witnesses!)
= make a financial plan in order to make it visible what you can afford
= get some legal advice already
= make sure to tell it will be divorcing a high conflict person
= See to it that your procedure will be based on facts, facts only

We have, as you already might have discovered, a ‘legal section’ on which members are of great support too.

Most of all for now, do not mention anything at all to your wife! Do not!

…Feelings becomes facts …

[ForeverDad]

Does anyone have any advice on how to peacefully accomplish the process?  I know it will be viewed as me abandoning her, but I just can't do it any longer.

No, actually it will be her claiming you're abandoning her.  On the other hand, you will take the position that you were driven away.  See the difference?  However, expect that your explaining that will be ignored by her.  Avoid endless circular arguments, she's not really listening and nothing you say will make her change.

After all these many years you know she won't change now.  So understand you can't avoid all disagreements.  So ponder what your new boundaries are and stick to them.  Don't weaken your newfound boundaries unless there's good reason to do so.  You changing boundaries at her demand or insistence is one way she can feel enabled to make more demands.

Are there any children?  If so, are they all grown now?  If there are minor children, then that can be a major issue with a separation and divorce.  If no minor children then it should be primarily about the division of assets and debts, perhaps also whether there will be some short term support.

CantTakeIt, how are you doing?  Please come back and update us.  Please take advantage of the immense store of collective wisdom here in peer support.