RO being served today and Im having full blown panic

[Crushedbyac]

Im terrified. I dont know of what, but Im terrified. I was 3 good weeks into NC and guess what, he got a new phone number. Why did I talk to him.  He sucked me right back in, telling me how good he was doing, going to therapy, exercising daily, taking meds... .hes been thinking alot, he knows he hurt me... .knows relationship is over but cant we still be friends, he misses our friendship.  He wont have the triggers if we stay friends, please dont block number.  I told him I dont want to be friends and I want the space and NC/LC I asked for.  he got mad, "Fine!" and "good night!". The the veiled threat, "I guess its all just business now!  I was trying to help you!". Next day the texts started coming in like everything was good and we are friends.  The texts were friendly but i wasnt really interested in what he was buying at the tech store, etc.  I responded like, ok, sounds good, have a good day. (I dont feel the need to be rude but Im sure I should have).  I didnt encourage the discourse. He texted me all day, of and on both weekend days with small talk, things about his day.  It was civil so I didnt feel the need to be a jerk. 

Monday morning we are back to the delusions and false accusations, full on, demanding I stop all my "sociopathic lies".  He "knows" what Ive done and his PI has "all the proof" and he wants to help save me from having to be subpoenaed and put on the stand when his lawsuit goes to court because I am "clearly involved" (not at all).   He supposedly in the process of having his forensic expert write their irrefutable report "proving" my guilt and complicit acts in his injuries (all 100% false).  But... .  If I just sign the paper his lawyer is drafting, admitting to all Ive "done", he wont involve me in the lawsuit.  If I dont "fess up" he will have to contact my family and work and friends to explain why he has to "ruin" me even tho he doesnt want to and that he tried to help me.  If I would just stop lying about everything.

Of course Im not going to sign his ridiculous paper of complete lies, so I have no choice but to accept (and assume) the alternate threat applies.  Even tho he is likely lying about all of this court/lawsuit stuff, I have to assume he isnt and protect myself and my family to the greatest extent, and that includes the possibility that he is angry enough to actually do what he claims, if for nothing except justified revenge (of abandonment and abuse) from his perspective. 

So yesterday I filed and got an RO.  It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do because no matter what someone does to me, I still dont want to hurt them on purpose, especially someone that doesnt get it anyway.  Its like beating up someone thats mentally retarded.  but its all I have left, I cant make him leave me alone and the threats are to much now. 

Its being served today and I am terrified.  I dont know what Im terrified about either.  Its supposed to make it all stop so I should feel calm, but I dont.  Im sick to my stomach, want to puke, having palpitations, and obsessing.  Ive done all the things I can and should do, new phone, new phone number, new email but Im still terrified.   I going between fits of crying and sheer terror.

I know that to him, this will be an act of war.  He will retaliate and I wont know when or what or where or through who.  I know that it will be a violation of the RO, but Im pretty sure he wont care, his anger and need for vengeance will be too overwhelming for him.  His hate for me for "ruining his life" now, will drive him.  And this will be proof positive of his current delusion (and probably all the others too) and of my only wish and goal to hurt him, get him to kill himself (he believes thats one of my goals).  Even tho all I have EVER done is try to end this peacefully, kindly.  Over and over and over... .but he truly believes that he is the one trying to 'help' and be kind to me!

Im at work right now which is best for me because Im not alone like if I went home, but I can focus on anything.  I called my therapist but she not available until tonight after work.  Im freaking out.  Sorry for the rambling, thank you for allowing me the space to get some of this out of my head.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Crushed, I'm sorry that you feel so anxious.  It's normal to expect the other shoe to drop in BPD r/s, because it happens a lot.  Boundaries are actually a good thing for a pwBPD, in my view, because otherwise they will trample all over you.  In a sense, by getting a RO, you have drawn a clear line in the sand.  I admire your courage, and keep up the good work.

LuckyJim

[Inneedofhelp]

I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. A lot of your story sounded so familiar to me. The lies and threats, the constant harassing. I've realized in trying to work through my own issues with a pwBPD that it will always be our fault and that conflict and chaos is somehow something they would rather have than quiet and solitude. It sounds like you did something very brave with the RO-something I have considered in some of the darkest moments, but I too am afraid of the retaliation. It doesn't seem fair and I too have those times where I feel like I am walking on eggshells (actually name of book someone recommended to me), and lately mine has escalated to what you are describing of fear/anxiety. I wish we could close our eyes and it could all go away, but instead we cannot let this take us down. Until I started reaching out on this site, and soon I will start my own therapy, I felt completely alone. I do not want to stress my family out with all of this-and as I read that is common to isolate and try to cope. I will send out positive thoughts to you!

[Circle]

I know how that fear feels.
The last time it got to that point with me,
I took a meditation class. It really helped
me to center and let go of the storm inside
and outside of me. I still do it here and there.
It's helpful. I recommend seeing an
actual teacher to learn, as that helps.
Yet, you can find good instruction on youtube too.
Here is one I found. I didn't review the whole thing.
So, if you don't like it; look for something better.
Remember, like the meditation instructors say,
peace has to come from within you. You've done
everything you had to do; now you have to
let go and find your calm again.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ULe0Lr_cwH4

Here is a link to a book by the founder of pure meditation:
https://www.abebooks.com/servlet/SearchResults?sts=t&an=Mata+Yogananda+Mahasaya+Dharma&tn=&kn=&isbn=

[Eve44]

You are truly doing the right thing, I believe that!  Hang in there and take good care of yourself.  I am about (I think) to file an RO on my husband that will involve a move-out.  I'm terrified.

Let us know how it all goes. Take care. 

[GlennT]

  I support 110% the value of RO's. They help us so much to maintain NC. I am also very familiar with panic attacks. They will go away along with the person with BPD and doing NC in time. The mentally disordered do not know the power an RO actually has until you put one in use, and you must use it whenever they come near you. I had to use mine four times before my mentally ill SO finally understood to stay away for good. RO's are great! Don't feel bad about that. You can make persons with BPD understand the ramifications of their behavior if after so many times they harass you, they will go to jail. Then they will stop bothering you eventually. So please use that  RO and don't feel bad.

[Panda39]

I support you getting a RO too since it helps support a boundary for you and helps keep you feeling safe.  However it is also up to us to enforce our own boundaries too.  Enforcing a boundary isn't about being rude or being a jerk it's about protecting ourselves.  Can you see where you might have done a better job enforcing your own boundary?  The boundary busting person is only half of the equation we play a roll too.

Like the little kid that want's candy in the grocery store and mom says no (not good for little kid "boundary".  The little kid begins to whine mom says no (reinforces the boundary).  The little kid starts to scream and cry (we've all seen this  ).  What happens if mom gives in and says yes?  That little kid has learned if they scream and yell loud enough mom will give in (boundary caves in).  If mom continues to enforce her boundary and say no the little kid will eventually figure out they are not getting any candy.

I hope everything went well and the day was uneventful 

Take Care,
Panda39

[ForeverDad]

He was expecting that you'd appease him just because he demanded it.  And perhaps there was a history of appeasement that led him to think he could push hard and make you agree to accept fault.  (Bill Eddy wrote a book "It's All Your Fault!" which describes the pattern of Blame Shifting.)  So good you didn't cave in to his pressure and fall into that trap.  Accepting fault would have exposed you to legal liability and possibly more.  It would have been a cloud over your head.

Be aware there will be tests and pressures to come.  Many will catch you off guard.  Be prepared for what he might do.  Presumably an RO will require that there be no contact, or perhaps only limited contact such as to handle parenting issues.  What if he contacts you?  Will you contact the police or your lawyer as appropriate?  Continuing the conversation is unwise and might give him a foot in the door to weaken the RO because you kept talking with him.  Needless to say, don't reach out to him!  You may feel lonely, sorry for him, whatever, but you can't sabotage your own RO.  It is there to protect you.

Your emotions will be up and down about this in the coming weeks and months.  Take advantage of the peer support here, especially when you feel weak or discouraged.  Take advantage of our collective wisdom.

Don't let him manipulate you or sabotage you.  Don't let him trigger you to overreact and then give him something to then claim he needs an RO against you.  Yes, that can happen.  So be careful what you say or do, for all you know he may be recording... .  But you're not going to be in contact with him anyway, right?  If some information needs to be passed, ask your lawyer how to get it done.  There are ways to follow the order and get get what needs to be done, accomplished.

[Crushedbyac]

Thanks all for encouragement and perspectives.  Its been a few days now and nothing has happened yet, but that doesnt mean hes not seething, developing new delusions, and making a plan "to destroy your [my] life with 'the real truth'" (his false delusional truth), a common threat Ive heard many times.  I know its crap because there is nothing Ive done, but it is still so disturbing and I wonder if he is actually going to the lengths to create this fake 'evidence' he claims to have, and then I start to obsess about that, how do you defend yourself from that kind of smear campaign or worse if he really did use it to file a legal action?  I know i shouldnt worry about the 'what if', but I also dont think I should put my head in the sand either.  If he is angry and delusional enough, he just might do what he threatens and I should be prepared.  Right now the anxiety of waiting for what I know is coming is consuming.  I cry for what Ive had to do (I know it was necessary) because I never wanted to hurt him this way, I just wanted him to stop and move on. :'(

All this time I didnt know about BPD until things got so bad I spent days online researching what didnt make any sense, looking for others that had similar experiences and hopefully advice.  Through that I found this website and it has been a blessing, but before I simply didnt know, I couldnt accept that we couldnt end it peacefully and I tried for a year.  Of course with each attempt to end came the assaults that I now understand that is not possible.  I am afraid it will never end.  What happens when the RO ends, that also terrifies me.

We didnt live together, btw, and no children.  We are both in our 50s and the r/s was for the past 4 years (the last year+ Ive been attempting to end, peacefully, ha!) Im doing better, but still pretty significant waves of high anxiety and fear.  Im trying to calm myself by talking with my mom and staying busy at work, but Im anxious about this weekend, being home alone.

[ForeverDad]

Often the other person will find someone else.  Meanwhile, time and distance help immensely.

Filing for an RO sets a clear line in the sand, a firm boundary.  Let's hope he's one of the majority that obey those court orders.  Be careful not to let him bend the RO requirements.  He needs to follow the order, as do you.  If you let him violate it in seemingly minor ways, then you can be undermining your order, sabotaging yourself.  Eventually the order will expire and enough time should have passed for it all to stay in the past.

[Panda39]

Im trying to calm myself by talking with my mom and staying busy at work, but Im anxious about this weekend, being home alone.

Maybe plan on spending some time out and about this weekend... .run some errands, go to lunch and a movie with friends, take a nice long walk somewhere pretty or invite some friends over.  I would also screen your phone calls let them roll to voicemail for awhile.

I know it's stressful and those of us with a person with BPD in our lives are always waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop, but this is a legal boundary hopefully he can understand that.

Hang in there,
Panda39