Don't know if I should say "I'm Sorry"

[ChetManly]

I have been in a relationship with a girl with quite severe BPD now for a little over a year. We love each other very much and I have read every piece of information about how to behave with a BP that I can find. We are both 30 but none of us is on any kind of therapy because we simply can't afford it. This being said she pushes herself to the edge for my sake, to be able to give me what I need. There are just some things she simply doesn't understand and this takes me to my question.

She has a very hard time with my family and friends because she simply doesn't know how to share love. They live in Sweden, I have always had the best relationship with them until after I met her. They have no idea that she has BPD and is worrying and wondering what is going on over here.
And right now I have a friend over from Sweden, he has never acted in a bad way towards her but she still feels threatened by him.

We had him over for dinner yesterday (biiiiiiiiiiiig thing for her) because I promised her to let her participate first time I met with him. She was really pissed the whole time at me (I had done nothing wrong, she was just upset) and when he was about to leave she went out by herself to get a smoke. I told him we would walk with him to the bus stop a block away, we went out and I asked her to join us to the bus stop. She get super upset because "I had made this decision without her", "I chose him" etc. I went in with her, asked her the whole time to join us, she was more than welcome, I wanted her to come etc. She just told me to "Go to hell", "You chose him" etc. I tried to convince her for five minutes, managed to keep my calm all the time but eventually I went out and walked him to the station, without her. When I came back she was mortified. She threw things, hit me about a hundred times, cried, told me I had chosen him and let her down etc., after everything she does for me etc. I kept my calm all the time but started asking myself, should I tell her I was sorry for not letting her in on deciding? That I didn't ask her if we should follow him to the busstop instead of making that decision for myself?

I know she has no right whatsoever to decide how I met or behave with my friends, this is my decision alone, she just has such an extremely hard time coping with that. In her head we are on the same level when it comes to my decision over my friends etc. It feels like this is the main part for her to understand, that all of the decisions are actually mine but that I have her in my mind all the time when I make them. And her issue with sharing my love is not helping either.

Should I apologize even though I know that I have done nothing wrong, these are things she should learn by herself but may not be open to? Is is better for her that I am hard or is that only going to make her feel unloved and prevent her from wanting to progress in the future?

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[isilme]

It's not being "hard" to not apologize.  I think you can validate that you know her feelings were affected by including your friend without apologizing, which in her mind would be admitting you did something wrong, but you did not.

"I realizing having BOB over made you feel like BOB was chosen over you.  BOB was not.  You were included in each part of the evening, and only your choices to walk out/not participate resulted in you being apart from us.  There is no choice between you and any FRIEND, but I am not going to stop socializing with friends.  You are welcome to be part of it or not - it is your choice."  Someone else can prolly put this into SET and make it come out better.

Don't apologize.  Don't chase when the pwBPD leaves the room.  Let them go sulk.  Chasing just tells them they are having the reaction they want and encourages it. 

[icestormwarmshowers]

I have been in a relationship for four years with someone with BPD.  It has been on again, off again.  Currently, off again.  I wish that I could recant some of the apologies that I have offered to try to make the insanity end.  I cannot.  The reason I say this is because it seems that everytime that I have apologized when I have done nothing wrong, and I KNOW that I haven't, it is brought up in later upsets.  She will reference the time when I did x,y,z.  I think that acknowledging her pain, is different, like the other person who replied said.  I still struggle with apologizing, and when I do, she will sometimes escalate further, with certainty of her being wronged.  I also think it is vital for you to make it clear that maintaining a healthy social life, with friends is something that people do.  Do not allow her to isolate you.  That is my two cents. 

[ChetManly]

Yeah, thanks for your input. I know what you mean about wishing you could take some of the apologizes back. I feel the same way because some of them meant I didn't really stay on the right track. It's the same with some promises I've made. It's like I've dulled her into a false sense of safeness because of them, instead of having her face reality. It's just hard to know if the right thing is to always force her to do all the work at once you know... .I know she can never get a clear sense of what's right and what's wrong if I accept behavior that is wrong but I am afraid she'll break if I don't give her reliefs from the hard work.

[Tattered Heart]

We have a saying around here: ":)on't validate the invalid." It's so easy for us nons to just try to keep the peace by saying or doing whatever our pwBPD wants just to stop the whirlwind. But then we end up stifling ourselves, giving up our values, or constantly feeling bad for what we've done (even if we've done nothing wrong).

Validate what she is feeling: "I can see how you would feel left out... ." For me, usually after I validate what my H is feeling, he doesn't remember that he wanted an apology. He often forgets that he was even accusing me of anything because he just wanted to be heard and for me to acknowledge what he was feeling.

[ArleighBurke]

"I realizing having BOB over made you feel like BOB was chosen over you.  BOB was not.  You were included in each part of the evening, and only your choices to walk out/not participate resulted in you being apart from us.  There is no choice between you and any FRIEND, but I am not going to stop socializing with friends.  You are welcome to be part of it or not - it is your choice." 

Yeah - I agree with the intent, but not this wording.

You do not have to apoligise to her for YOUR behaviour (I don't think you did anything wrong), but you can empathise and be sorry that she felt bad... .Slight difference but big to me (and it'll FEEL like an aplogy to her).

"I realise having BOB over made you feel like BOB was chosen over you." -> Good so far
"BOB was not". No. This is invalidating - it implies that her feeling was incorrect. It is also focussing on the EVENT - which is the wrong focus - the focus needs to be on her FEELING (remember her FEELING is not right or wrong. It may have been triggered by something that 99.999999% of other people would be OK with, but her feeling EXISTS and is the focus). I would try "I'm sorry that it make you feel that way. You are my girlfriend and you SHOULD be able to feel always like my #1. "
Then play it by ear... .allow her to say something back (she'll probably complain). Empathise AGAIN with how she feels and THEN insert some truth... .  "I do choose you, but I also want to be able to spend some time with my friends. And I'd love you to be a part of that, or not - that's your choice.". Then I'd probably redirect away: "How about we go out to dinner tonight... ."