Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 03:22:11 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Survey: How do you compare?
Adult Children Sensitivity
67% are highly sensitive
Romantic Break-ups
73% have five or more recycles
Physical Hitting
66% of members were hit
Depression Test
61% of members are moderate-severe
108
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: My BPD wife accused me on an affair with coworker's daughter - HELP  (Read 432 times)
Sprout2

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 7


« on: April 06, 2017, 02:00:13 AM »

I'm not sure where to start. This is only my second post. This was the first trigger that sent our world into a total chaos. We have been together for over 6 years and married for 4.5. Both on our second marriage. We are in our early 50's. We have had a fantastic relationship until just the past few months.

She was diagnosed with BPD over a year ago and I never researched it or questioned it as nothing had ever come out that would cause me pause. That was until a few months back. We were at one of my coworkers' house for a get together to watch a PPV fight. He invited me downstairs to watch and my wife was busy visiting with other guests so I went with him. His 20-something year old daughter was down there.  Shortly after we were down there my wife came down and joined us. We watched the fight and left later once it was over. Nothing discussed on ride home. I thought it was an enjoyable evening.

So my first shock to BPD occurred just over a month later when she accused me of having an affair with this coworker's daughter. She described that evening as she came downstairs and "This Girl" gave her a look like she was interrupting something. Mind you her father was next to me on the couch And his daughter was on the other side of the room. I laughed off the accusation and was slammed with, "That's exactly how guilty people act".  I have been to this coworker's house twice and both times my wife was with me. No matter what facts I present, she is adamant that I have cheated on her. Nothing makes sense.

I really don't know what to do. I've stopped defending myself since when I try she says, "You will continue to deny, deny, deny". I've tried to just say I'm sorry you feel that way and even gotten angry about it. It has driven a huge wedge that I'm worried may never be repaired. Anyone have advice that may help?  I feel really lost right now.
Logged
PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Tattered Heart
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 1943



« Reply #1 on: April 06, 2017, 08:24:05 AM »

Sorry you are going through this. The accusations are so difficult to deal with because no matter how you respond, they will still believe what they are going to believe. One thing I would suggest since it has been a couple months since the accusation, is to validate then put some boundaries on the conversation. It could go something like this:

"I understand that you are worried I may have cheated on you. I love you and I have not cheated. I don't like being accused of something I didn't do and I won't allow myself to continue to be accused." Then walk away from the conversation.
Logged

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life Proverbs 13:12

Stolen
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 207


« Reply #2 on: April 06, 2017, 10:27:01 AM »

Sprout,

This recent thread had some fascinating insights to jealousy: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=307673.0

And I've been where you are with this - its very hard "defending" against such accusations.

Logged
Wrongturn1
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Posts: 591



« Reply #3 on: April 06, 2017, 10:35:56 AM »

Also, not sure whether you have considered this or not, but false accusations are a form of abuse.  I'd suggest implementing a boundary along the lines of what Tattered Heart said.  If you establish that boundary early and often, it might result in fewer false accusations in the future.  

I've faced false accusations from my uBPDw regarding everyone from a gal from our church group, to waitresses at family dinners, to Beyonce, and even ladies that my wife spotted that I never even saw at all.  It gets old very quickly.  Since I started establishing boundaries around this behavior, it has decreased dramatically.  My standard script is something along the lines of:  "No, I did not cheat on you or oogle girl XYZ.  These false accusations are abusive and I won't be in a conversation where I'm being abused."  Then be prepared to walk away or leave the room or house if needed.
Logged
Sprout2

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 7


« Reply #4 on: April 07, 2017, 10:15:04 AM »

Great suggestions.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post). Thank you. I started seeing a councilor 3 weeks ago. He's the one who made me aware of this site. We started to discuss boundaries at the tail end of our session earlier this week. I'll let you know how things play out this weekend. Thanks everyone.
Logged
pleasehelptexas

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 4


« Reply #5 on: April 15, 2017, 06:15:54 PM »

Yes, my wife also does this type of thing on occasion, but it is typically extremely vile when she does - like accusing me of "f__king" women at church etc... and describing the actual act.  Its generally incoherent nonsense.

the advice of tattered heart is generally good for dealing with people with BPD, but it doesn't always work.  If she is really upset it won't really do anything and the violent tantrum will continue.    I think ultimately it depends on why she is acting out.  Is it to "test" me to see what I will take, that I won't abandon her - OR - does she just feel a little hurt / disrespected.   

THis is why dealing with BPD is so draining - they are always on the lookout for reasons to be offended and constantly testing loyalty.  I think considering these motivators is crucial for dealing with a BPD person.
Logged
Grey Kitty
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #6 on: April 15, 2017, 06:33:41 PM »

One thing that might help you is to focus specifically on the behavior that is the problem.

Right now, problem #1 is abusive accusations of cheating from your wife.

Here's the subtle part--it doesn't matter much if your wife believes you are cheating or not.

As long as she's not abusing you and taking it out on you, she can believe what she wants to believe, and (relatively, anyhow!) it doesn't hurt you.

This is critical because it is much easier to protect yourself from the accusations (by removing yourself if needed when she won't stop!) than it is to change her mind. That is pretty much impossible!
Logged
pleasehelptexas

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 4


« Reply #7 on: April 16, 2017, 08:49:37 PM »

One thing that might help you is to focus specifically on the behavior that is the problem.

Right now, problem #1 is abusive accusations of cheating from your wife.

Here's the subtle part--it doesn't matter much if your wife believes you are cheating or not.

As long as she's not abusing you and taking it out on you, she can believe what she wants to believe, and (relatively, anyhow!) it doesn't hurt you.

This is critical because it is much easier to protect yourself from the accusations (by removing yourself if needed when she won't stop!) than it is to change her mind. That is pretty much impossible!


Um- when she is in that mood there is no 'stopping' if one tries to take a time out when she is like that you get accused of not caring.  Its a feedback loop into the fear of abandonment cycle.    When she is having an episode there is seemingly little that can be done to clam her down.  Even if all the things she says are nonsense. 

It's difficult to really decide whether she honestly believes these things or has feelings like she presents, or if its just a manipulation.  Because she almost always operates in manipulation mode around me.  Almost always.


Logged
Grey Kitty
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #8 on: April 17, 2017, 08:15:20 AM »

Um- when she is in that mood there is no 'stopping' if one tries to take a time out when she is like that you get accused of not caring. 

That is exactly what the accusation is for--it is there to keep you there, make sure you stay there as an emotional punching bag getting beat up, or stay there and be provoked until you start fighting back. And it always makes things worse, either way.

You know you care about her. You know you aren't abandoning her to hurt her, or because you don't care about her.

You don't need to prove this to her in order to get her permission to leave.
Logged
pleasehelptexas

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 4


« Reply #9 on: April 17, 2017, 09:00:22 AM »

That is exactly what the accusation is for--it is there to keep you there, make sure you stay there as an emotional punching bag getting beat up, or stay there and be provoked until you start fighting back. And it always makes things worse, either way.

You know you care about her. You know you aren't abandoning her to hurt her, or because you don't care about her.

You don't need to prove this to her in order to get her permission to leave.


I love and care about her so much, but I am just really tired and worn.  Im tired of noone believing me and having noone to talk to that will take me seriously.  Im tired of all the negativity and snarky provacative comments.  Im tired of not being encouraged and having a positive influence there.  Tired of not having energy for other things.  Tired of constantly questioning myself. 
Logged
Grey Kitty
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #10 on: April 18, 2017, 11:33:20 AM »

I love and care about her so much, but I am just really tired and worn.  Im tired of noone believing me and having noone to talk to that will take me seriously.  Im tired of all the negativity and snarky provacative comments.  Im tired of not being encouraged and having a positive influence there.  Tired of not having energy for other things.  Tired of constantly questioning myself. 

I'd suggest you take that level of exhaustion as a sign to protect yourself better, enforce better boundaries.

Another word for "negativity and snarky provacative comments" is verbal abuse. Remove yourself from it.

If you describe specifically how things go in a typical situation, we can help you apply the tools to protect yourself better.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!