My therapist recommended the book and mind blow is all I can say

[Butterflydreamer]

Hi all. I've been married for 28 years and have alway blamed myself for my husband being unhappy, spappy and out of control at times. I was a single married mom, if that makes sense. There is so many things I did wrong in his eyes. Now I can see it wasn't me or at least all me.
I've been trying to get out of the marriage since 2001. Long time. Ups and downs and until I realized I shut myself down, completely off, that I needed to find myself and get out!
I'm trying hard saving money and have went back to hairdressing after 24 years, something he tried hard and always has tried to get me not to do.
My therapist says I need to get out before I serve him papers so working towards that goal, but still very scared!
Thank you for all for your time. And for a place to go.

[RAPIDclassic1]

Welcome, more experienced mods will say something more profound no doubt but I was in for 28 years myself, so your post hit a chord with me.  What book are you referring to?  Mine was "Walking on Eggshells,"  like a bomb went off!  I'm not completely free yet, but out and so close to complete separation... .stay the course and be strong; you must do it and you will.

[Mutt]

Hi Butterflyfreamer, 



I'd like to join RAPIDClassic1 and welcome you to the group. Twenty years is a long history I bet that you have some stories that you can share with the members. I'm glad that you decided to join us. Wow, I could of written your post, like you, I didn't find out about BPD until after the split, I guess what I mean is I went through several years with no knowledge about BPD, I was almost convinced that I was to blame for the problems in our marriage, there were some spots where I thought I was losing my mind, I couldn't make sense of her behaviors and I honestly thought that I was going through an experience that nobody else was going through until I found BPDFAMILY and I was reading through the thread and post after post I could relate with what that member was going. I'm motivated to greet people like you, like us because our experience has a name attached to it, it's called "Borderline Personality Disorder" i'm looking forward to reading more your posts. You're not alone. Hang in there.‎

[Turkish]

How is the financial situation, is one form of his control regarding money?

[Inneedofhelp]

Your post sounds so much like my life too! I have been married for 17 years, the last 6 separated but not in a healthy way-he has controlled all of it after I left the house 6 years ago out of fear from his rage that I thought was just related to the isolated incident of me finding out about his affair and contacting that person. I had no idea that his rage, which has escalated since that time, his irrational behavior and emotional responses to all that I do are from BPD. Although it doesn't help in the darkest moments when I still don't know what to do, I now better understand that he is the one that is not ok and I am not to blame for all that he throws my way. A marriage therapist about 2 years ago suggested to me privately that he might have BPD, but only recently did I learn more about it and luckily find this site. I don't feel as alone, and it gives me some strength to deal with all that comes with this dysfunctional relationship. As I try to detach and start living on my own, it fuels his anger to see me moving away and in the last few months his anger is almost constant. I tried to rationalize with him that this was not good for either of us and got him to agree that we should start the divorce, but I think that triggered his anger and fear of abandonment more so he is volatile now. It is more complicated because we have 2 children, and he loves his children, so I don't want to get police/lawyers involved but I'm not sure what else is left if he won't quietly walk away.
Is the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells"? I want to get that, and heard that "Splitting" is also helpful at this stage. We are not alone, and we are worthy of a better life.