Spouse won't see my family

[DearHusband]

Before I found out about BPD, I just thought my spouse was being abusive. I'd had enough and, in researching verbal abuse, came across the advice that you should tell people if you suspect you are being abused. So, I told my parents some of the things that were said. My BPD spouse found out about this and doesn't want to have anything to do with them now. Too embarrassed. This has been going on for a few years now. My spouse used to send me articles on why you shouldn't dish about your partner to your family and tells me what an awful person I am.

My family would like to see me and the kids for Easter. BPD spouse is becoming dysregulated. Any advice would be appreciated.

[PeteWitsend]

Before I found out about BPD, I just thought my spouse was being abusive. I'd had enough and, in researching verbal abuse, came across the advice that you should tell people if you suspect you are being abused. So, I told my parents some of the things that were said. My BPD spouse found out about this and doesn't want to have anything to do with them now. Too embarrassed. This has been going on for a few years now. My spouse used to send me articles on why you shouldn't dish about your partner to your family and tells me what an awful person I am.

My family would like to see me and the kids for Easter. BPD spouse is becoming dysregulated. Any advice would be appreciated.

sounds very similar to my situation, right down to the sending of articles (oh, some article on the internet says I'm wrong?  Well, then... .)

At least in your case he doesn't try to keep you from seeing them.  My wife threatens that "her" kids won't get to see their grandma, says I'm a "mama's boy" and all sorts of other BS when I tell her my mom wants to visit (I've been independent since college and haven't even lived in the same state as my mom for over 20 years... .)

I do agree to some extent that you shouldn't speak ill of your spouse outside of the marriage, and unless there is physical or mental abuse you need help dealing with, should keep the run-of-the-mill type BPD problems to yourself.  Your family will of course want to try to help work things out and unless they're familiar with the nature of BPD, they'll likely only make things worse. 

one thing that can help is to warn your family not to take things your BPD spouse says to them personally.  In my case that helped avoid further conflicts when my wife sent out crazy text messages out of the blue, or emails. 

[PeteWitsend]

oh yeah, advice!

tell your pwBPD spouse you'd like your family to come for a visit, and it means a lot to you, but you understand if he doesn't want to be there... .you'll have them stay in a hotel or something, or he can leave during the day, and you'll explain his absence as something he had to do, etc. (work?)

it sucks, and it creates more stress for you, but it's one way to try and navigate these waters.  I'm facing the same situation coming up... .trying to minimize opportinities for conflict.

[Grey Kitty]

Your spouse is behaving badly -- refusing to see your family, and making an issue of it with you. Consider what you can and can't do, and go from there:

1. Do you see your family or not? That is your choice, make the correct one. Please don't let his bad behavior isolate you from them or damage your relationship with them.

2. Does he see your family or not? That's his choice; leave it to him, and be clear that you are leaving it to him.

If he doesn't want to see them, consider accommodations, like seeing them someplace other than your home so he isn't forced to leave.

3. If he refuses, what do you tell your family? I'd recommend keeping it short, sweet, and true, without inviting more discussion about it. "H couldn't make it." "H isn't here."

I'd recommend against going too far to lie for him / cover for him. That feeling of doing such things is really corrosive to YOU.

Lastly, remember that his not being there is better than him being there and dysregulating and spoiling everybody's time.

[Jester20]

Hi,
Just from my experience my mother and brother will no longer speak to ME because I confinded in them a few issues regarding my husband ( I never disclosed his BPD ) at the time he hadn't been diognosed with it and like you I just thought he was a nasty piece of work. they told me to divorce him or they didn't want to know me... .they haven't contacted me for 2 years.
I confinded in his mum ( after he attempted) and she does know his diognosis. This was after he was diognosed and I told her about the abuse I was going through and I didn't know if I would have to leave so she might have needed to help him financially... .and guess what... .now she doesn't speak to me! She hates me because she doesn't think her son is capable of this ( he was previously a high functioning BPD) so she might not have seen this side of him.

SO... .from my experience involving any family has backfired! Pretty ___ty eh?

[DearHusband]

Hulu,

That sucks. In my case, my spouse had done enough that they knew what was going on. They had seen the behavior first hand. Still, I've really cut back on saying anything to my family about my situation at home.

Tonight is a rough/peaceful night. Rough because my spouse is dysregulating. Peaceful because they left. The kids and I were playing a game. pwBPD says they don't want to play, but then gets upset because no one begs them to join in. Leaves and then text bombs.

"No one cares. We all ignored them. I'm teaching the kids to ignore them."

That last one has me thinking. I do ignore their behavior to some extent. I am teaching the kids to ignore the attacks and bad behavior. I may not be doing it consciously, but I am still doing it.

BTW: My username is LindaDH. The DH stands for Dear Husband, so it's my wife that has BPD.

[DearHusband]

Update: She came home last night and announced that I would have the kids today as the three of us don't want her in our lives. We had planned to go to my Mom's for Sunday dinner. The kids and I will still do that.

I'm planning to NOT reach out to her about going. Prediction: She will take that as a confirmation that I don't care and will text bomb me as it nears dinner time. I will get the cold shoulder tonight and will be asked to sleep on the air mattress again tonight (also last night).

[DaddyBear77]

Hi Mr LindaDH - sorry about the confusion. Even I was confused about the gender specifics - one suggestion might be to go into your profile and add your gender, if that's important to you, that way we can reference the avatar and not be unintentionally offensive.

My experience differs significantly from other posters in regards to bringing my parents and brothers "into the loop" on what's happening.

I spent 10 years in the relationship without knowing what BPD was. My parents suspected things and as I think back, it was my mother who first mentioned personality disorder. For the 7 years that followed, I had varying degrees of contact with my parents and brothers, but each of them have been extremely supportive. They've been willing to listen and offer advice on what to do in certain situations and I've found them extremely helpful and important to my recovery from my own codependent issues.

I think the best advice is to follow the path that feels right to you. If you feel like you're crossing a line and over sharing with your parents, say "I can't really go into that" or "that's something I can't really talk about." Be honest with them and yourself. The one thing I'd strongly suggest you do NOT do is isolate yourself from them. in my experience, if we start to rely solely on the perspective of our pwBPD, we are setting ourselves up to live inside their disordered view of the world which only makes things harder when we realize we need to escape.

[Grey Kitty]

I'm planning to NOT reach out to her about going. Prediction: She will take that as a confirmation that I don't care and will text bomb me as it nears dinner time.

What about turning your phone off or setting it aside while you have dinner?

[DearHusband]

Daddybear,

Don't worry, I was never offended. I just realized the name I chose was neither as obvious nor as humorous as I originally thought. Fortunately, my spouse isn't around to point out that I made things confusing for other people, and thereby embarrassed her.  

My experience has been more like yours. My parents realize that relationships go up and down and aren't over until they're over. They treat my wife graciously no matter what. My wife cut my mom off for a few years after a disagreement. Then, when my mother was late to come take care of the kids because she was in a fender bender, my wife chewed her out. My mom was hurt and surprised that my wife was not more sympathetic. It was all about her.

Some of this is cultural. My wife is asian and feels that the mother-in-law should come take care of the kids and give her a break. My mom wants to see the kids, but also talk to her daughter-in-law. My wife finds this dialog draining, however. She just wants to leave.

Thanks,
DH

[DearHusband]

Thanks Grey Kitty. I set it aside with the ringer off.

When I came home with the kids this afternoon, she was in the bedroom and she stayed there until it was almost time to go. She came out and was upset that I hadn't come in to ask her to go once more. Then she proceeded to send me texts - "YOU'RE SCUM!" "YOU SLEEP IN THE OFFIVE FROM NOW ON YOU FILTHY SCUM" But, that was it. So, pretty good. I had a nice time at my Mom's. She sent home flowers for my wife.