Fear

[Huh?]

With all the news about Syria recently (which is horrible by the way), I've been triggered with some memories regarding my waif/hermit ex fiancé.

In 2012, the last time Syria was in the major news due to missile strikes or something... .I don't really remember.  I just remember coming home from work, it was a Friday and I was exhausted.  When I opened the door to our apartment... .she was sitting at the table on her laptop in full panic mode.

This happened a lot.  I'd be going about my day, I'd open a door to wherever she was and she was freaking out about something and I'd have to talk her down and calm her.  Anyways, she was convinced the world was ending and she was freaking out because we didn't have rations and were unprepared.  She had already ordered herself a survival sleeping bag before I got there (yes, just for her... .not me. Haha) and now she wanted to go out and get food, water, candles, etc.

Eventually, I calmed her down promising over the weekend we'd go get the things she wanted... .which we did... .gallons and gallons of water, rice, etc.  Fun way to spend the weekend... especially carrying all that stuff up to our tiny third floor apt.

She lived in a constant state of fear.  After she threw me out to "work on us" and I moved 50 miles away with my family, she'd call me in the middle of the night when it was windy outside and want to stay on the phone until it stopped.  She'd call me in the middle of the night when the fire alarms would go off in her complex, frightened and wanting me to stay awake with her.

On and on it went, we'd be running together and if a car slowed down near us she was convinced they wanted to kidnap her... .but she was so grateful I was there to protect her and keep the bad people away.

Yet, she wouldn't let me come home... .she was happy having me around for a few hours every couple of weeks.  For almost three years she kept me at arms length, her "protector" and "knight in shining armor" while we "worked on us" until I said enough is enough... .and of course, I was painted black and haven't heard from her since... .9 months now.

In a weird way, I took a lot of pride in the fact that I was needed by her, part of the rescuer complex I had I guess.  I'm not going to lie though, it was really frustrating because of course, if I ever had an issue that I needed help with... .she was nowhere to be found.

This isn't normal behavior right?  Man, I was in a fog.  Gotta love these disordered relationships... .nothing ever makes sense.  

Thanks for the listen.

[Idsrvt2]

My x was fearful of the world ending as well he had stock piles of paper towels and canned goods... one time he said they were expired but they cost too much to replace and put the expired can in the cabinet.  I could not believe it.   In the end he texted that he feared me and sadly never
Felt comfortable around me and now he knows why...
I replied that he fears everyone, which he does.  He carried a gun most places he went

No your xs behavior is not normal and I'm sorry you have been triggered this stuff is just so complex to get your head around .

Was yours reclusive too?   

[Huh?]

My x was fearful of the world ending as well he had stock piles of paper towels and canned goods... one time he said they were expired but they cost too much to replace and put the expired can in the cabinet.  I could not believe it.   In the end he texted that he feared me and sadly never
Felt comfortable around me and now he knows why...
I replied that he fears everyone, which he does.  He carried a gun most places he went

No your xs behavior is not normal and I'm sorry you have been triggered this stuff is just so complex to get your head around .

Was yours reclusive too?  

Of course, no sooner do I post this I see that the US has just launched missiles against Syria. Crazy timing.

She was reclusive in that she doesn't really have any friends, the friends she did keep she didn't like.

I was her only companion... .until I wasn't.  One day she just didn't want me around anymore.  After the argument that had me move out, pictures of me disappeared at our house, I dissapeared off her social media.  She didn't care if we saw each other during the week or on weekends.  She did recently admit, it was around this time she briefly dated a "friend" that "just wanted sex".  My gut was screaming that there was somebody else back then, and I was right.  Since then I never spent holidays with her, as she preferred to be alone or with her family she hated.

This went on for almost three years.  Of course she professed her undying love for me and couldn't wait to get married, wanted to travel with me, etc etc... .but it was just excuse after excuse because of her fears... .or whatever or whoever reason.

I finally said enough after years of doing all the traveling when we did schedule a time to see each other... .it was totally one sided.  When I asked for effort on her part, she would give me the silent treatment for weeks until I caved and it would go right back to the way it was.

Last words she said to me were, "I love you and will go wherever you go".  I said, "I'm not an idiot.  You wouldn't even drive 50 miles to reciprocate the effort to see me on the weekends... .you really think I believe you'd follow me anywhere?"

Silence ever since.  

Back to the topic... .I understand being prepared for a catastrophic event... .such as a natural disaster, or even world war 3... .but the fear was all the time.  

One time visiting a small town, we split ways for about 15 minutes.  When I came out of the store She knew I went to... .I found her standing in the middle of the street terrified.  I asked her what was wrong... .she was angry at me for leaving her.  She said she went into a coffee shop and everybody in there was eyeballing her... .and then she ran out of there and the people in town were staring at her and she couldn't find me. She was mad at me for leaving her.  I was dumbfounded and once again, had to talk her down and assure her everything was okay.  I walked her back to the coffee shop and she was able to get the coffee with my company.

Is this a form of trauma bonding? Because as messed up as these situations were... .and made me feel really uncomfortable... .in a weird way made me feel like her protector... .like I said earlier, like she needed me.  

It was irritating one minute, but made me feel proud the next.  I don't know.  

Oh yeah, and like your ex with his gun... .she slept with a taser under her pillow, carried pepper spray, and also had a brass knuckle device on her key chain.  She's 5 foot, 100 lbs... .I just chalked it up to her small size... .but I see there is more going on.

*Edit* Man, just reread this and I can believe what I wrote above seemed like normal life for me back then.  In perspective, It's nowhere near the craziness I've read from other members here about their relationships... .but in addition to all the other stuff, just from what I wrote above my exs thinking was clearly not healthy. It helps to write it out I guess.

[stimpy]

Is this a form of trauma bonding?

Huh, I wouldn't have said so in all honesty. Trauma bonding is where someone feels attached to another person (their abuser) because of the insidious behaviour pattern of the abuser. The abuser, by giving and then taking away from their partner, that is by discarding and then re-cycling, over and over and over again, creates in the victims mind both chemical and behaviour habits that are highly addictive. So if the abuser dumps you, making you feel terrible and causes you a trauma, then when the re-cycle comes, you as the victim get a tremendous high as the relationship starts again. That high, literally can become addictive - like any high. As the pattern repeats over and over it creates a dependency and that dependency is addictive and is a bond. But the bond is completely dysfunctional... .hence a trauma bond.

If the person is BPD, and is being driven by their emotions, then the trauma bond is a by-product of their dysfunctional behaviour - it is not their intention. If they are more NPD, then trauma bonding is the aim.

To me, what she was demonstrating was a type of victim status (but  a victim of people in a shop?) and this sounds a bit like paranoid personality disorder. But if she is thinking of herself as a victim, then your natural inclination might be to adopt the role of rescuer, and save her from the situation she is in... .standing in the middle of the road... .but again, her behaviour is dysfunctional and your feelings of what to help and protect her are natural ones, it is natural to protect what we hold dear, our children, our loved ones. But is it really the sign of a functional normal relationship?

[Huh?]

Huh, I wouldn't have said so in all honesty. Trauma bonding is where someone feels attached to another person (their abuser) because of the insidious behaviour pattern of the abuser. The abuser, by giving and then taking away from their partner, that is by discarding and then re-cycling, over and over and over again, creates in the victims mind both chemical and behaviour habits that are highly addictive. So if the abuser dumps you, making you feel terrible and causes you a trauma, then when the re-cycle comes, you as the victim get a tremendous high as the relationship starts again. That high, literally can become addictive - like any high. As the pattern repeats over and over it creates a dependency and that dependency is addictive and is a bond. But the bond is completely dysfunctional... .hence a trauma bond.

If the person is BPD, and is being driven by their emotions, then the trauma bond is a by-product of their dysfunctional behaviour - it is not their intention. If they are more NPD, then trauma bonding is the aim.

To me, what she was demonstrating was a type of victim status (but  a victim of people in a shop?) and this sounds a bit like paranoid personality disorder. But if she is thinking of herself as a victim, then your natural inclination might be to adopt the role of rescuer, and save her from the situation she is in... .standing in the middle of the road... .but again, her behaviour is dysfunctional and your feelings of what to help and protect her are natural ones, it is natural to protect what we hold dear, our children, our loved ones. But is it really the sign of a functional normal relationship?



Thank you Stimpy, for your explanation and for your insight.