Feeling angry, hopeless, and lonely because of a mother with BPD

[feelinghopeless]

I am a 35 year old woman who has had a lifetime of emotional abuse from my own mother, as well as sexual abuse from a non-family member when I was young. I am reaching the end of my rope with my mother. Setting boundaries with her do not help. I am constantly feeling guilty about everything. I am unable to have friendships or romantic relationships that last more than a few years. I tend to "freak out" over small things and am realizing that it is because it's the behavior model I learned from my mother. I am so so so angry with her, and need her to LEAVE ME THE F*** ALONE! But asking her nicely for space makes her freak out like it's the end of the world and it's making me isolate myself even more. I have no idea what to do anymore. :'(

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome feelinghopeless:    

I'm so sorry your mom is driving you crazy.  I hear your frustration.  

 I am reaching the end of my rope with my mother. Setting boundaries with her do not help.    

Can you give a couple of examples of boundaries you are having trouble with?  The thing about BOUNDARIES, is that the other person won't like them.  It is up to you to consistently enforce them.  (i.e. Your mom calls you on the phone and is angry and calling you names.  You tell her "I need for us to have a mutually respectful conversation.  That doesn't appear possible now, so I need to hang up.  We can talk another time, when you are calm."  Then immediately hang up the phone, even if she is still talking.)

 I am constantly feeling guilty about everything    

Many people with a disordered parent struggle with FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt. If you click on the green words, it will take you to an article that could be helpful for you to read.

Can you share what you feel guilty about?  Is it that your mom constantly criticizes your and expects you to be her caretaker?

I tend to "freak out" over small things and am realizing that it is because it's the behavior model I learned from my mother.  

It can help to have some things you can do to self-soothe when you freak out.  It there something you have tried?  Journaling can help you get your feelings out in a healthy way.  It can really help to keep you from sending an angry email, text msg or make an angry phone call.  Give it a try.  I've written out some things that bother me.  Many times, after I've written it out, it gave me a chance to step back and gain a different perspective.  It can be reinforcing, when a day or two later, you are so glad you vented on paper and it didn't go any further.

Is it possible for you to try some therapy?   Have you tried mindfulness, meditation or some form or exercise to help improve the moment, when you feel like freaking out?

[Kwamina]

Hi feelinghopeless

I would like to join Naughty Nibbler in welcoming you to bpdfamily. I am sorry though for the difficult circumstances that have brought you here.

You have experienced years of abuse from your mother. That definitely isn't easy and I am glad you are reaching out for support and advice here. Is this the first time that you're reaching out for support? Have you perhaps ever had the help of a therapist to help you cope with all of this?

It is horrible that you were also sexually abused by a non-family member. I can imagine how this can have a traumatic effect, did you get any kind of therapy or counseling to help you process this?

Many of our members find themselves struggling with certain things in their adult lives as a result of what they've been through with their disordered parent. Often children of disordered parents will copy or learn certain unhealthy behaviors and coping mechanisms from them. Fortunately these behaviors and coping mechanisms can also be unlearned or at least better managed through hard work. We cannot change what we can't acknowledge so you reaching out here and acknowledging your struggles is a very important first step

I encourage you to take a look at the Survivors' Guide for adults who suffered childhood abuse, you can find it in the right-hand side margin of this board. The guide aims to take us from survivor to thriver through three major stages: 1. Remembering --> 2. Mourning --> 3. Healing. When you look at the guide, where do you feel you are now? Which steps listed currently resonate the most with you?

Take care and I hope to read more of your story later

The Board Parrot