Is my ex suffering from BPD or it's all in my head? :( New here pls help

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all 

My bf suddenly left me while we were planning our engagement... I suffered a lot... I felt that my life is over.
I believe (as well as two of my friends who are psychologists) that he has BPD.  I would really appreciate your opinion  
Some signs I saw that make me think he has BPD: 
1.  The beginning of the rs was intense.  He was calling me ALL the time and he wanted to be with me ALL the time.  I felt like i was suffocating.
2.  During the first two months of the rs he was getting really upset and he was shouting to me every time I was chatting on social media with guys (good friends) or my ex (again, good friend)... He was getting angry and breaking up with me like once a week! He even told me "you are worth of NOTHING" once.  However, all the anger stopped when he started taking antidepressants and tranquilizers (for his panic attacks)
2.  Within two months of the relationship he told me that if things go well he would like to get engaged soon and he suggested that we can try, if i want to, to have a baby 
3. I noticed from early in the relationship that he had weird mood swings.  For example, morning: he was sitting very quiet smoking and didn’t talk to anyone, including me, and evening: he was singing to me in the car REALLY loudly and he was dancing and tooting to other cars without reason
4. Last January (we were together for 10 months), he saw an innocent msg from my ex bf that we broke up mutually – asking me how am I.  He got really upset and left from my house.  Since then, everything changed... For 2.5 months he was trying to leave me while at the same time he was trying hard to stay... (push pull i guess?)
It was the most weird thing that happened to me... .he was telling me ‘’The problem is not love... is happiness... i don’t feel happiness’’  or "I don’t want to lose you but I think I need to be on my own’’.  He kept telling me ‘’give me some time alone’’…The next day he was calling to see how am I…Then again “I need to be alone” and the next day ‘’I’m scared if I leave you I will regret it that I did the worst mistake in my life’’ 
3.  During these weird "push pull" months, he also developed severe erectile dysfunction that didn't seem to go away  (he is only 27) and his physician told him that and the problem is clearly mental
4. When I got so sick and tired from his cold and distanced push pull behaviour i decided to take a step back and continue my life... .I thought "if he stays, he stays"... i cannot be sad and worried anymore.  When i did that and i stopped giving him attention - he came back full force! he became the same loving bf he used to be, he started telling me about weddings and babies again, and the erectile dysfunction disappeared!
5.  Exactly 1 year after the first break up….just 20 days before my masters degree ends and we can move in together.  He suddenly became really anxious that I don’t want to marry him.  He kept saying “you are not ready to commit, otherwise you wouldn’t wait for the masters to finish you would move in right now” and AGAIN in a few more days “I feel I am suffocating, I feel sick, I am not sure if you want to be with me and get engaged” (projection/fear of intimacy?)…”This relationship doesn’t move forward. We have to get engaged exactly the day you finish your masters or that’s it” “enough”.  I got angry and I told him that he cannot pressure me like that and that he acts really weird whats wrong with him? 
6. And…... the next day he broke up with me.  He told me “It is not love.  Is happiness. I can’t find happiness. You don’t make me happy, I was never happy in my life” and “get over it and continue your life” “I don’t feel anything for you”.  I have tried hard but he was cold. Distanced. He was a 100% different individual.
7. Seven days after we broke up my cousin saw him in a restaurant with a NEW gf and HER family (I got replaced!)
8.  I found out that when my ex was young (around 14-15), his mom had an affair... my ex didnt know... and when he got home early one day from school, he caught his mom having intercourse with her lover. In their own house (I guess this explains a lot?)
9.  Other BPD behaviour i noticed: He was worried all the time that i will leave him for someone else and he was threatening me "if you ever leave me for someone else, i promise you i will make your life a living hell" or "I'm worried that i am wasting my years with you and you gonna leave me".  Also, sometimes he was pretending that he was fainting.  And he was telling lies.   
10.  Finally, i found out that he was in a serious relationship with a girl before me for about 1 year, when all of a sudden he told her he doesn't love her anymore and he was with me in like 10 days.

[Ginie]

Hi all 

My bf suddenly left me while we were planning our engagement... I suffered a lot... I felt that my life is over.
I believe (as well as two of my friends who are psychologists) that he has BPD.  I would really appreciate your opinion  
Some signs I saw that make me think he has BPD: 
1.  The beginning of the rs was intense.  He was calling me ALL the time and he wanted to be with me ALL the time.  I felt like i was suffocating.
2.  During the first two months of the rs he was getting really upset and he was shouting to me every time I was chatting on social media with guys (good friends) or my ex (again, good friend)... He was getting angry and breaking up with me like once a week! He even told me "you are worth of NOTHING" once.  However, all the anger stopped when he started taking antidepressants and tranquilizers (for his panic attacks)
2.  Within two months of the relationship he told me that if things go well he would like to get engaged soon and he suggested that we can try, if i want to, to have a baby 
3. I noticed from early in the relationship that he had weird mood swings.  For example, morning: he was sitting very quiet smoking and didn’t talk to anyone, including me, and evening: he was singing to me in the car REALLY loudly and he was dancing and tooting to other cars without reason
4. Last January (we were together for 10 months), he saw an innocent msg from my ex bf that we broke up mutually – asking me how am I.  He got really upset and left from my house.  Since then, everything changed... For 2.5 months he was trying to leave me while at the same time he was trying hard to stay... (push pull i guess?)
It was the most weird thing that happened to me... .he was telling me ‘’The problem is not love... is happiness... i don’t feel happiness’’  or "I don’t want to lose you but I think I need to be on my own’’.  He kept telling me ‘’give me some time alone’’…The next day he was calling to see how am I…Then again “I need to be alone” and the next day ‘’I’m scared if I leave you I will regret it that I did the worst mistake in my life’’ 
3.  During these weird "push pull" months, he also developed severe erectile dysfunction that didn't seem to go away  (he is only 27) and his physician told him that and the problem is clearly mental
4. When I got so sick and tired from his cold and distanced push pull behaviour i decided to take a step back and continue my life... .I thought "if he stays, he stays"... i cannot be sad and worried anymore.  When i did that and i stopped giving him attention - he came back full force! he became the same loving bf he used to be, he started telling me about weddings and babies again, and the erectile dysfunction disappeared!
5.  Exactly 1 year after the first break up….just 20 days before my masters degree ends and we can move in together.  He suddenly became really anxious that I don’t want to marry him.  He kept saying “you are not ready to commit, otherwise you wouldn’t wait for the masters to finish you would move in right now” and AGAIN in a few more days “I feel I am suffocating, I feel sick, I am not sure if you want to be with me and get engaged” (projection/fear of intimacy?)…”This relationship doesn’t move forward. We have to get engaged exactly the day you finish your masters or that’s it” “enough”.  I got angry and I told him that he cannot pressure me like that and that he acts really weird whats wrong with him? 
6. And…... the next day he broke up with me.  He told me “It is not love.  Is happiness. I can’t find happiness. You don’t make me happy, I was never happy in my life” and “get over it and continue your life” “I don’t feel anything for you”.  I have tried hard but he was cold. Distanced. He was a 100% different individual.
7. Seven days after we broke up my cousin saw him in a restaurant with a NEW gf and HER family (I got replaced!)
8.  I found out that when my ex was young (around 14-15), his mom had an affair... my ex didnt know... and when he got home early one day from school, he caught his mom having intercourse with her lover. In their own house (I guess this explains a lot?)
9.  Other BPD behaviour i noticed: He was worried all the time that i will leave him for someone else and he was threatening me "if you ever leave me for someone else, i promise you i will make your life a living hell" or "I'm worried that i am wasting my years with you and you gonna leave me".  Also, sometimes he was pretending that he was fainting.  And he was telling lies.   
10.  Finally, i found out that he was in a serious relationship with a girl before me for about 1 year, when all of a sudden he told her he doesn't love her anymore and he was with me in like 10 days.

[happendtome]

Reading this then you really should be happy that thing ended. Think, how would your life look like if living with him? after few years, after decade? Happy or terrible? That trauma what he received after seeing his mom with another man is probably just only his excuse to show himself as victim. I am man myself, and i know pretty well if i would have seen something like this in my teenyears it wouldnt have caused me a trauma. Annoyed maybe, but nothing else

[Idsrvt2]

I'm sorry you are going through this too.  My x said the same when he broke up with me, the final breakup he said he felt nothing at all for me , but it's just not me he feels no connection with anyone, he always found texts I sent as mean and they were not mean .  He also talked about moving in and having a life's together and how nice it would be to have me to come home to and talk about our work days.  My x was also always conflicted about what he wanted and said he would be tortured the rest of his life over what he did to me.   He knew I was the best thing to come into his life in years, but like he told me his head was just too messed up.  Mine has eeectyle disfunction as well.   
He's had a history of short relationships and hanging on a fake video game world.

Mine is a recluse , so most likely I was replaced by someone online.
Mine admits he needs help... .but has a very odd family dynamic where his sister controls all he does.   

I'm a month out of the relationship , but I think In time we will look back and be thankful they dumped us.   I have a protection order he slapped me with... they really have no attachment to people , no bonds or deep connections.

[RAPIDclassic1]

Hi Ginie,

Your question is interesting as are the symptoms you mention.  My thought was that your ex was more like a controlling personality than a BPD but could easily be either or both or something in the general ballpark.  These extreme promises of marriage and babies seemed to be more about aligning you than true affection.  It's also highly impulsive behaviour and the mood swings fit into many of the more extreme personalities out there.  Regardless of the specifics, as happenedtome & Idsrvt2 mentioned, you are better out of it before babies and the rest, really.

[vortex of confusion]

Welcome to the forums!

Ultimately, it doesn't really matter if it is BPD or not. The bigger picture is that the two of you were in a toxic relationship and he exhibited behaviors that were NOT healthy.

One thing that I have read a lot about on these forums is that it is common for somebody with BPD to have a big hole inside them that they are forever trying to fill. They are seeking happiness from outside of themselves rather than from within. They will find a person (or a thing) and it will be all exciting and wonderful and then when the newness wears off they discard it and go on to something else. It is like when a little kid gets a new toy for Christmas. They play with it and play with it and then at some point they get bored with it and it falls by the wayside.

How are you holding up with all of this? Losing somebody that had once proclaimed so much love for you is very, very painful. In the beginning, it is easier to focus on what was "wrong" with the other person. I had so many questions about how ex could do the things that he did and I tried to make sense of him and his behavior. Now, a year after kicking him out, I am trying to focus more on why I allowed those things to happen. Why did I listen to things that didn't make sense? Why did I do the things that I did?

Have you looked at any of the lessons available on these forums? Immediately after a break up, there is a bit of shell shock like, "What in the world just happened?"

[cubicinch]

Immediately after a break up, there is a bit of shell shock like, "What in the world just happened?"

this is so true, along with many other comments being made here. But this is how it should feel, because it should give us that wake up call to realise something is seriously wrong and we need to step back and try to find clarity. Also we need to remember this trauma so hopefully we don't let it happen again. The danger is that it can be so traumatic that we let it stop us from finding the happiness we thought we had with that person. It's difficult. More so because a lot of us are carers to stand for it in the first place. We can't understand how they can be like they are, it's not logical to us; it's a way of life they've created for themselves since childhood probably, as a coping strategy.