Hello (I think I'm the daughter of a Borderline)

[lonelysurvival]

I've been meaning to join this site for some time now. I'm 29 and I hail from the Capitol Region of upstate NY. I live in my dad's foreclosed house ( he left us 5 years ago) with my mom, who I strongly feel has BPD from the testimonies of others who have dealt with this-for years I thought maybe bipolar then I read about BPD and had a eureka moment. Why do I feel this?
1 she is almost always yelling, if not, she talks to herself almost all the time.
2 she goes off at any little thing, hair trigger temper.
3 her rages can be vicious, what I'd describe as verbal violence.
4 She displays behaviors such as projection and transference daily, always directed at me.
5 She frequently will put me in catch 22 scenarios where no matter what I do, she'll get mad and start screaming.
6 Her past is pretty secretive and her family disgusts me, she's their dirty little secret and almost like a joke to them. They turned their backs on her and us kids as they knew she was sick and they did nothing though they live 45 minutes from here.
I could do more but yeah. I shared an audio clip of my mom's rage with my therapist and she said she thought my mom was more ill than BPD, as BPD clients she had would storm out and then threaten suicide, but I feel the mother/child dynamic would be different than a shrink/borderline one. Also I think she was counseling male borderlines. (and of course, high vs low functioning BPD. My un-expert opinion is BPD possibly with other problems comorbid, her traits if I used the Borderline mother book would be witch/queen mostly. This may sound harsh, I don't hate my mom, I pity her, but I have to find some reason for my suffering, some explanation in it all. Your thoughts would be appreciated, I will tell more, I have lots to tell... .one question I do have though, if refusing treatment, do borderlines tend to escalate in their rages/aggression over time? That's been happening lately. 
Hello again.

[Pilpel]

My first impression, before even getting down to your therapist's thoughts, was also that your mom sounds like she has something more severe than BPD.  When you say that she is "almost always yelling, and if not, she talks to herself"  are you being literal?  Maybe someone else on here has a similar experience but that sounds like it could get a bit more into mental illness.  But I just have one undiagnosed N/BPD SIL as an example in my life.  Maybe someone else has an experience more like yours and hopefully they can share.

I did want to say, though, I have a BIL that is mentally ill, though I'm not sure what his official diagnosis is.  And I can see some similarities between both the mentally ill brother-in-law and the N/BPD sister-in-law.  The similarities I've noticed: paranoia, negative thinking, blaming others, and rages.

It must be very stressful to live with your mother.  How are you coping with the hair trigger temper and yelling?  Have you read Stop Walking on Eggshells?  I ask because we have used that method explained in that book, calmly repeating what she says back to her, and it does seem to help de-escalate the drama.  However we've tried to use the same method with the mentally ill BIL, and he just gets annoyed. 

[lonelysurvival]

Hi. She talks to herself in an angry way, like, it's aimed at me so I'll hear it, but sometimes she'll talk to herself hmm like she's usually just always talking or writing she would write all over her books in them.
I have read stop walking on eggshells, I wasn't ready to do what it said cause you kind of have to be past the anger point towards the BPD to use the strategies, also I felt like it, well, my therapist put it best when I described it to her "you shouldn't have to play therapist to your mom" cause it's all about validating the BPD so they dont rip your head off. But who's validating us nons? IMO, it's just another way all the attention is on the borderline, just in a healthier way, yeah.
Also I've noticed well I've read you have to establish boundaries with your BPD, I tried it once, even in a respectful way, with her, such as calmly stating "you will not speak to me like that" and she flew into violent  rages and literally screamed "HOW DARE YOU!" called me a slew of names, so, boundaries don't work with my mother, they send her into a rage and leave me feeling more, not less afraid.

[Romania]

But who's validating us nons? IMO, it's just another way all the attention is on the borderline, just in a healthier way, yeah.

WOW this really resonates with me! 

It sounds like there may be more going on based on what everyone is saying here.  There is a lot to learn here about SET, JADE, getting out of the FOG, and BIFF.
It also takes a lot of practice!  I am glad you are here and hope you can find everything you need to ease some of the tension you  must be feeling!

*offers hugs

[Pilpel]

IMO, it's just another way all the attention is on the borderline, just in a healthier way, yeah.

lonelysurvival, I totally agree with what you're saying.  We've used repeating back, but it's been in a formal setting, where she's agreed to do it.  I also find it hard to do just spur of the moment.  And personally I have mixed feelings about it, too.  There have been good things: we don't walk on eggshells as much, she's a little more tolerable, I've learned not to feel so anxious about conflict, and it's given me a format that has allowed me to say things to her that would normally cause her to twist off.  But I would say that without a doubt my SIL has used the reflective talking format to manipulate to get her way and try to get sympathy after she did something horrible to someone else.  It's also allowed me to observe her manipulate in a different way, and it's brought me closer to a point where I feel more at peace if it comes to cutting ties with her and my brother.  Right now I've been avoiding getting to that point, because we want our kids to maintain a relationship with their cousins.

So how are you coping with living with mom, being she's so high stress?  Do you have to live with her?  Are you planning on moving out at some point soon?  That just sounds so emotionally draining.  I hope you're taking good care of yourself.

[lonelysurvival]

It is. I have no where else to go, I've been at homeless shelters and the people there can be just as crazy as my mom, so IMO it isn't an improvement. It's this or living in my Buick. 
There were issues this morning (too long a story) I got back and she isn't here, now i'm scared cause that probably means she's drinking. Problem is mobile crisis refused to help me unless she was suicidal or homicidal ("she has rights."  evidently I don't. When I've called the police in the past it always backfires on me, there's always one cop who thinks I deserve this for living here and or she convinces them I'm a bad daughter and I'm the problem; she can be monstrously abusive one moment and then crying for the police moments later telling them how I'm the abuser, but she knows all she has to say is I'm an unruly overgrown teenager, a lazy, bad seed, and the cops will take her side. I don't know who to turn to when I'm scared, so it usually leaves me with nothing.

[Pilpel]

I'm sorry to hear that you're options are slim right now.  I'm glad to hear you're at least about to talk to a therapist!